Humorous Quotes

Well done girl, I . . I admire your treachery.' Ecruba hissed at Edith.

The only enemy which stands between the talent you posses and success you achieve is known as "EGO" in our Society

And I was all, "Don't be gross, you crustacious fuck. You pull that thing out and I'll pepper-spray you until you fry." (You have to be stern with weenie waggers--I've been exposed to on the bus over seventeen times, so I know.)

When people ask how old I am, I just tell them twenty-one, and if they assume I mean years instead of decades or centuries, then that can't be my fault, can it?

I don’t really believe in aliens. I like to think of them as planet challenged.

Life is a university, you will keep learning new things all the time. The tombstone will be your degree.Make sure it's worth a fortune for those who admire you.

Kind of a bummer, getting your butt kicked by a dead guy.

Let blockheads read what blockheads wrote.

if anyone comes into my domain without explicit permission, I’m going to impale you in a way that will give you the very best idea of what it feels like to be a corn dog.

If You Lose Your Keys, At Least It's Better Than Losing Your Car.

While I still did not know what self- actualization that sat on the top level of the pyramid meant, I could believethat if I knew I would be able to say something positive about it as well inmy life.

Whenever they are condemning weaves or breast implants, some people speak so passionately that their false teeth almost fall out.

Many of my ex-girlfriends were habitual half-asian daters. These women considered half-asian men 'exotic,' 'sexy,' and 'just-like-Keanu Reeves-in-the-Matrix. I consider these stereotypes appropriate because I got laid.

We need to mask your scent.” If stranger words had come out of his mouth, she hadn’t heard them. But then it clicked. “The thing can smell me.”And it did get a good whiff at the house

True Relations never break and relation which breaks were never true

Shut your gob, You tell me nothing in my kennel. Here, I am Queen Bitch, and you will muzzle yourself. Kebibi Ahuda to prisoner

Pray GOD by HEART, Not by HABIT.

Youth isn't all it's cracked up to be either.""Then you're doing it wrong.

You know what we have to do?"The Italian nodded. "I know.""You don't look too happy about it.""Defacing a beautiful building is a crime.""But killing people is not?" Dee asked."Well, people can always be replaced.

Very few problems cannot be solved by either coffee, wine or chocolate.

Many a parent, sad to say, has used their child as an opportunity for them, the parent, to do, through their child, something or some of the things that they, the parent, did not do or did not do successfully.

Sam's phone buzzed. She fished it out of her pocket, checked the screen, and cursed. "I have to go.""You just got here.""Valkyrie business. Possible code three-eight-one: heroic death in progress.""You're making that up.""I'm not.""So...what, somebody thinks they're about to die and they text you 'Going down! Need Valkyrie ASAP!' followed by a bunch of sad-face emojis?

What happened when the Verb asked the noun to conjugate? She said "no-no!", forgot the "o" and decided to become a nun!

Literacy rate tells us about the section of society who can read and write, but do we have a tool which can share the stats about out how many educated illiterates we have in our society.

I’ve got more faith in my shotgun than any man, that’s for sure.

Searching through Monster.com while on the clock feels like being on Tinder while still married.

Jersey cows,” Eva explained after Jac complimented the luxurious taste. “The butter and cream here are better than anywhere in the world.”“Not that we’re prejudiced,” Theo teased.

It commenced raining one day and did not stop for two months. We went through ever different kind of rain they is, cep'n maybe sleet or hail. It was little tiny stinging rain sometimes, an big ole fat rain at others. It came sidewise an straight down an sometimes even seem to stand up from the ground. Nevertheless, we was expected to do our shit, which was mainly walking upland down the hills an stuff looking for gooks.

I know I really shouldn't be complaining right now,

I'm infatuated with you, I cannot deny it. Physically speaking, you're a very attractive man. But I don't like you, the vast majority of the time. So far as I can gather, you behave abominably in public and are only marginally better in private. I only find you remotely tolerable when you're kissing me.

Observ

Rats! It's rainy outside,And to be a good fellaInvite a smile so wideNobody needs umbrella!

I was my own boss, but that all changed the day I got married.

Wisdom of the Ages: "Hillary" Has replaced the term "battle-axe" to describe an undesirable mother-in-law in 37 languages.

Wisdom of the Ages: "Virtual Reality" A fairly plausible explanation for the abundance of Virtual People running around these days.

How bad could things be if my hair was neat?

One can hardly do anything productive when one knows there is cake in the fridge.

I'm hoping you end up happily married to the man of your dreams and have a hoard of beautiful kids that'll keep you on your toes by turning your neighbours into various types of pond-life." He then shot her his signature grin. "But if it happens to be me, then I wouldn't say no."(Karl to Elena in The Witching Pen)

Love a girl trulyExpectation: MarriageReality : Friendzoned

Many a survivor of a plane crash who is or was against cannibalism and had never eaten human flesh once found themselves in a situation where they had to either eat human flesh, or go the way of all flesh.

Memory is like a box of chocolates. They disappear quickly.

Tenderhearted people are silent sufferers they just learn the art to fly with broken wings.

Valkyrie walked to the back door, which hadn't been closed properly, shut it and locked it. There was now a baby in the house, after all. She couldn't take the chance that a wild animal might wander in and make off with Alice, like those dingoes in Australia. She was probably being unfair to both dingoes and Australia, but she couldn't risk it. Locked doors kept the dingoes out, and that's all there was to it, even if she didn't know what a dingo actually was. She took out her phone, searched the Internet, found a picture of a baby dingo and now she really wanted a baby dingo for a pet.

Okay, I've only just found out the final lineup for Slytherin," said Angelina, consulting a piece of parchment. "Last year's Beaters, Derrick and Bole, have left now, but it looks as though Montague's replaced them with the usual gorillas, rather than anyone who can fly particularly well. They're two blokes called Crabbe and Goyle. I don't know much about them--""We do," said Harry and Ron together."Well they don't look bright enough to tell one end of a broom from another," said Angelina, pocketing her parchment, "but then I was always surprised Derrick and Bole managed to find their way onto the pitch without signposts.""Crabbe and Goyle are in the same mold," Harry assured her.

I enjoy self-publishing & sending publishers rejection letters. They're like, 'Who is this guy?' And I'm like, 'the end of your industry.

Even the world’s greatest actor cannot fake an erection.

Although they probably know that some children were used and some children are used as miners, most adults are ignorant of the chocolate industry’s use of minors.

Life is same for everyone. The difference is only that some are living by heart and some for only sake of living

Having plans sounds like a good idea - until you have to put on clothes and leave your house.

Some kleptomaniacs do not steal things only; they also, while some only, steal lovers.

I have two moods:1. Sleep is for the weak.2. Sleeping for a week.

You know, in some cultures, when you save someone's life, you're then responsible for it."Allison thought about telling him she'd seen the same movie and was pretty sure the claim was bogus. Instead, she offered her own bit of nonsense. "In some cultures, saving a life is considered an interference with fate and is punishable by death.

Jesus girls! Wake up! If a guy wants to drain you of your energy, emotions, and life force he won’t sparkle in the sunshine, he’ll just marry you.

For a sane person to sincerely be happy that someone has succeeded, they have to either be profiting or likely to profit from that person’s success, or be that person.

I know you believe you understand what you think I said, but I'm not sure you realise that what you heard is not what I meant.

Opportunity comes to everyone it depends on you whether you take it or leave it. Learn to take risks and play hard because at the end you'd be thankful for your struggle.

Yes. Right. You should probably, um..."She had no idea what he should do.Kiss her, she thought. Isn't that what people did after they survived thrilling, near-death experiences together? She was sure it wasn't an appropriate suggestion, but this close, it was all she could think about.

Someone has opened the flood gates of stupidity...

Every person has his secret; in reverie, unbeknown to others, he finds peace, freedom, sorrow and love.

Chekhov. Well he was a bit of a lad. He had at least two dozen relationships, possibly three; some of them long term; most of the woman wanted to marry him and throughout that time he was still a constant frequenter of brothels. ‘‘Mercy. It’s a wonder he got time to write at all.