Humorous Quote Quotes

Sam's phone buzzed. She fished it out of her pocket, checked the screen, and cursed. "I have to go.""You just got here.""Valkyrie business. Possible code three-eight-one: heroic death in progress.""You're making that up.""I'm not.""So...what, somebody thinks they're about to die and they text you 'Going down! Need Valkyrie ASAP!' followed by a bunch of sad-face emojis?

The pressures of business relationships: so I tell the guy I usually have my tea time at 10 o’clock every morning. He calls me at noon (very upset) because I didn’t meet him on the golf course.

The only time I hold my wife's hand tightly is when my wallet is in her other hand.

Get high on love, not drugs.

Women are heavyweight boxers; only, they punch with words, not fists.

Be calm when your wife yells at you, calmer when she chastens you, but be terrified when she ignores you.

A mother’s eyes are like God; impossible to get away from, they see everything.

What if my boobs decide to grow WHILE I'm at school?

Jean-Baptiste Say may have coined the term 'entrepreneur' but he totally missed the opportunity to put it on a t-shirt and sell it.

I don't imagine book elitists as my audience when writing. I dream about teachers, morticians and garbage men instead.

Don’t stop writing until someone pries the pen from your cold, dead hands.

The easiest way to be the prettiest girl at a party is to rig the guest list.

After giving it some thought, I've decided to name my monkey mind Ricky Bobby. I was thinking about Latin names like Javier, but I don't want to make my jumping, distractable self sound mysterious and sexy. Ricky Bobby makes me laugh. A name like that seems silly, not strong. Just a goofy little thing that doesn't know what to do with its hands, likes to go fast, and loves tiny, infant, baby Jesus.

If God had a wife, He would be in trouble too if He dodged His chores.

I'm friends with a guy who is friends with a former Playboy model. So I guess you could say I'm 1 degree away from 212 degrees.

If Socrates was alive today he would say : I know that I know everything. That's what contemporary philosophers do.

What goes up must come down. Which is why we invented Viagra, to make it stay up a little longer.

I'm not afraid of you!' The wombat yelled. 'I saw you get stuck in the washing machine once. Round and round you went! Who's afraid of something that can't defeat a rinse cycle?

Falling in love with someone is intentional, even if it was their looks that tripped you.

Understandably she had a lot of suitors, just like any other girls in China with two arms and legs.

Love is a hook; the moment a man swallows it, a woman knows she has him forever.

There were pecans, there were cashews and then there was just plain nuts.

She complains that I'm lazy, but I just like to save my energy for dinner.

Special Super Bowl Wisdom of the Ages: "Wilson or Brady?" The writing is on the ball...

The easiest way to remember your future wife’s birthday is to marry her on Super Bowl Sunday.

Some of us are looking at the stars, but all of us are living in the gutter.

GPS has saved countless relationships because us men do not like to ask for directions. Now if women could only come with relationship GPS we would be one step closer to world peace.