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Humorous Quotations Quotes - Page 2

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Only love will attract love.”~ Amunhotep El Bey
Amunhotep El Bey
An inch to a man’s heart is a mile to his wallet.
Matshona Dhliwayo
Wisdom of the Ages: "Skull and Bones" A secret society of spoiled twits whose apparent purpose in life is littering the landscape with as many as possible.
Matthew Heines
Falling in love with someone is intentional, even if it was their looks that tripped you.
Matshona Dhliwayo
Wisdom of the Ages: "Women" Any culture that has supported the education, rights and sanctity of women has dominated those cultures who have not. As Lycurgus the Spartan lawgiver once said, "Strong women make strong men.
Matthew Heines
The fastest way to end an argument with your wife is to admit she’s right.
Matshona Dhliwayo
Special Super Bowl Wisdom of the Ages: "Unger Games" If your meals depend on you beating the Seahawks, you're gonna go "'Unger-y.
Matthew Heines
99% of all problems can be solved by money -- and for the other 1% there's alcohol.
Quentin R. Bufogle
Deep down, he's shallow.
Peter De Vries
In my book an erection constitutes personal growth.
Amunhotep El Bey
A bug lies in quiet repose;when he passed no one knows.Did he suffer, was he pained?Before he died, was knowledge gained?Were all life’s pressures much too great.To put upon so small a weight?Although not one for pessimism,I think he died of journalism!
Nikhil Sharda
Nothing spices up one's sex life like having a partner.
Jacob M. Appel
A man who boasts he's the head of the home must never forget the woman is the knife at his throat.
Matshona Dhliwayo
Intelligence is being intelligent enough to know you're not so intelligent as you intelligently once thought.
Carroll Bryant
Wisdom of the Ages: "Government" Like a mafia protection racket-without the protection.
Matthew Heines
Wisdom of the Ages: "Humility" If you don't have it, you're gonna get it.
Matthew Heines
Love is a hook; the moment a man swallows it, a woman knows she has him forever.
Matshona Dhliwayo
Is it a lucky break if you get run over by an ambulance?
Stewart Lee Beck
Nice guys finish last but bad guys don't finish at all.
Matshona Dhliwayo
Love is as we will it to be." ~ Amunhotep El Bey
Amunhotep El Bey
She complains that I'm lazy, but I just like to save my energy for dinner.
Matshona Dhliwayo
The easiest way to remember your future wife’s birthday is to marry her on Super Bowl Sunday.
Matshona Dhliwayo
Observation:Thanks to technological advances, avid readers seem to be replacing DTBAD (Dead Tree Book Acquisition Disorder) with an alphabet soup of more more modern-day hoarding behaviors: EBAD (E-Book Acquistion Disorder), EGAD (Electronic Gadget Acquisition Disorder), and ABAD (Audiobook Acquisition Disorder). Of course, there's also MYBAD (Movie and YouTube Acquisition Disorder: the hoarding or obsessive viewing of digital films and videos, some based on books). If any of these syndromes describes you, take heart: there's probably an app for that! - 8/9/2013
Lisa Tolliver
Belief is a wonderful way to pass the time until the facts come in.
Carl R White
The early bird gets the worm that should have slept in.
J.S. Davey
The Butcher of Babylon featured in over 500 porn films between 1974 and 1982, and was best known for his motto: Come for the butcher, stay for the meat.
Mark Jackman
A kiss is the only thing you can throw at someone without being held criminally responsible.
Matshona Dhliwayo
My partner and I were going to renew our vowels, but the consonants revolted.
Stewart Lee Beck
He was king, if he didn’t have enemies he wasn’t doing it right.
S.E. Zbasnik
Shelly looked around the jamb again as though whatever animal that had been terrorizing her had a weapon. “That doesn’t look like typical rat shit. You may be right. This needs to be handled right now. You’re a lesbian, get in there and do battle.” “What does being gay have to do with trapping a squirrel?” “Two women live together, who kills the vermin?” Shelly asked with a hand on her hip. “The pest control people, that’s who.” “Butch up and get your ass in there. I won’t tell anyone if you scream like a five-year-old girl.” “I’m a femme lesbian, which puts me in the same class as you.” Ryann pointed to her face. “Note the makeup. Besides, you were the one who always played in the dirt and rode horses.” “There weren’t any squirrels in that dirt with me! I’ll pick up a bug or a frog, I even handled a grass snake once, but I do not deal with rodents.” Ryann leaned against the doorjamb and stared into the room. “It’s most likely under the couch. Where’s Grant?” “After-school detention for piercing his and the noses of his friends with pushpins.” Ryann stared at her in horror. “What is wrong with your kids?
Robin Alexander
Just to keep the bad dreams at bay, she took a swig out of a bottle that smelled of apples and happy brain-death.
Terry Pratchett
Boys are raw materials that women manufacture into products called men.
Matshona Dhliwayo
Leaning forward in the chair, Harley squeezed out a controlled fart, so no one could hear it. This damn reception area was like a echo chamber. If he weren’t careful, it could reverberate around the hall like a shotgun blast.
Alan Kinross
Be calm on your wedding day; she won’t kill you in front of a hundred people, no matter what you've done.
Matshona Dhliwayo
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