Humorous Quotations Quotes

Enjoy every ounce of your life, get high and be sincere to anybody that comes around you.

Sam's phone buzzed. She fished it out of her pocket, checked the screen, and cursed. "I have to go.""You just got here.""Valkyrie business. Possible code three-eight-one: heroic death in progress.""You're making that up.""I'm not.""So...what, somebody thinks they're about to die and they text you 'Going down! Need Valkyrie ASAP!' followed by a bunch of sad-face emojis?

I was my own boss, but that all changed the day I got married.

Wisdom of the Ages: "Virtual Reality" A fairly plausible explanation for the abundance of Virtual People running around these days.

Don't ask for a girl's hand in marriage and forget to ask for her leg too.

I doubt you would recognize an adventure of any sort if it came right up and bit you on the a---Mother!I was going to say arm.

If you fall in love with a character, then you are actually falling in love with the author that wrote the character. Therefore, you could conclude that if you are said author, you are in love with yourself.

There is nothing wrong with being a puppet if love is the one pulling the strings.

The only time I hold my wife's hand tightly is when my wallet is in her other hand.

Get high on love, not drugs.

Wisdom of the Ages "US News Media" If the devil is the father of all lies, isn't the US News Media their bitchy stepmother?

Women are the best thieves you will ever meet; they steal your heart and your last name, but never get to spend the night in jail.

Ask your wife for forgiveness, even when you’re right.

Women are heavyweight boxers; only, they punch with words, not fists.

As the nicknames get shorter, people come closer.

If all else fails, stop drop and roll..works for me..:)

Wisdom of the Ages: "Brian Williams Week" Just like me in 2003, it looks like Brian Williams ended up "Between Iraq and a Hard Place.

Pop music is like an auditory cup of coffee. It has no nutritional value but it gets you going.

Money can't buy love, except on Valentine’s Day.

Chances are that there are white people who brag about being the first to move out of a suburb that has been intruded by blacks.

Be calm when your wife yells at you, calmer when she chastens you, but be terrified when she ignores you.

Wisdom of the Ages: "Rainier" A beer and a mountain. You drink enough of one and the next day you feel like you fell off the other.All next week Wisdom of the Ages will be featuring the Seattle Seahawks and Super Bowl Topics. Tomorrow's Topic: "Tom Brady's Balls.

Raising a child is a time of RAPID CHANGE! From the ages of 0 to 19, a PARENT can age over 30 years!

Wisdom of the Ages: "Soylent Green" No matter how many times I see that movie, I still get a hankerin' for a Big Mac.

When I was young, I believed God was a woman because I couldn't come up with any other explanation as to why the universe was so tidy.

A mother’s eyes are like God; impossible to get away from, they see everything.

As a reformed procrastinator, I'm now getting things done in the first 10 seconds of the last minute.

Wisdom of the Ages: "Ferguson Riots" They were ready to tear America to shreds over their grief-right until the TV cameras left to cover the football games.

If you blame gravity for falling in love, even God has the right to laugh at you.

I can't seem to recall if I've ever had amnesia before.

You just wanted to walk in front of me so I'd have to stare at your butt

God doesn't send atheists to Hell -- there's no room with all the Christians down there.

Love came, it saw, and it conquered me.

Praise can be your most valuable asset as long as you don't aim it at yourself.

I have to tell you the truth. But you are too ugly for it.

The easiest way to be the prettiest girl at a party is to rig the guest list.

So that's the telephone? They ring, and you run.

I love you as I do all - not at all.

Nostalgia ain't what it used to be.

If God had a wife, He would be in trouble too if He dodged His chores.

Wisdom of the Ages: "National Symbol" With the preponderance of lawyers, banksters, arms, drug and tobacco dealers in our government, shouldn't our national symbol be changed from the eagle to the vulture?

Wisdom of the Ages: "President's Day" One allowed the Federal Reserve and one got lead. One got a city and the other got dead.

Weakness is weaker when discovered by others.

Good judgment comes from experience, and experience - well, that comes from poor judgment.

EWI: Emailing While Intoxicated

For the love of mercy, I cannot walk into mediation with a swollen vagina, Cash. Please.”I smile against her thigh, rubbing my scratchy face against the softness of her skin.“Is that what I’m doing?” Innocence—fuck no. I can’t even fake that shit.

Wisdom of the Ages: "Valentine's Day" Because she never forgets, especially if you do.

So, your god is the only god? Okay, but then, so is my dog.

My mind ran over everything that had happened lately, and running on such thoughts made even my feet hurt.

She never saw the point of making fun of strangers – how could you possibly know enough about them to hit below the belt?

...there occurred to me the simple epitaph which, when I am no more, I intend to have inscribed on my tombstone. It was this:"He was a man who acted from the best motives. There is one born every minute.

If men could be bought like clothes at an outlet, only then would women always get what they bargained for.

Wisdom of the Ages: "Unsuccessful pick-up lines" 'My parole ends today, let's celebrate!

His question is pretty dangerous for me to try to answer, so I don’t—it continues to hang out there like the stained underwear at a slumber party that goes unclaimed.

Oh God, my stomach must have won a medal- it's doing a lap of honour now.

Special Super Bowl Wisdom of the Ages: "Marshawn Lynch" Not really shy. Still extremely embarrassed he believed you can't be charged for beating up on large groups of people-as long as you are carrying a football.

When I am alone, I drink my tea with pinkie raised, like a kid playing "tea party." At times, a fancy British accent is involved. Dahling!

How beautiful would history have been if it could be written beforehand and then acted out like drama!

Men like to borrow kisses because they know they will have to pay them back.

This is unacceptable! We’re English, damn it! We know how to build things where they shouldn't be! - Governor Dewar