Humor Quotes - Page 79

I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer

It is not summer, England doesn't have summer, it has continuous autumn with a fortnight's variation here and there.

The "inner circle of humanity" recognizes others through frequency, regardless of walk of life or "positioning in the astral". This is an operation run invisibly from Outside the astral. Going Home represents the final shift to one's true spiritual families of light, in all dimensions of harmonics; higher vibrations/love in unity consciousness, above, below and literally "everywhere and everynow".

Here are the Top Ten things that your parents say to you:-Is that all you're going to do all day, sit in front of the computer?-When I was your age I had two jobs.-Why don't you wear some clothes that fir for a change?-Turn it down. I can hear it all the way over here.-You're not eating that for dinner.-Did you do your homework?-Stop mumbling and speak up.-Now what did you do?-Because I said so.-No.

The other shoppers were too well behaved to stare at the green-headed stoner and the tear-streaked lady zigzagging up the aisles with a chubby bearded guy scurrying behind them picking up the things they dropped.

Don't read it. Just shred and burn, or your eyes will melt.

Television's perfect. You turn a few knobs, a few of those mechanical adjustments at which the higher apes are so proficient, and lean back and drain your mind of all thought. And there you are watching the bubbles in the primeval ooze. You don't have to concentrate. You don't have to react. You don't have to remember. You don't miss your brain because you don't need it. Your heart and liver and lungs continue to function normally. Apart from that, all is peace and quiet. You are in the man's nirvana. And if some poor nasty minded person comes along and says you look like a fly on a can of garbage, pay him no mind. He probably hasn't got the price of a television set.

In truth, Freud sees nothing and understands nothing.

The bourbon goes into the recipe, Miss Connor, not into you,” he’d said from directly behind me. He had a way of doing that, catching me in the act. I suppose the number of times I screwed up made me an easy mark. My spine straightened at the scolding, but my mouth did what it knew best. “Well, that’s just a waste of perfectly good bourbon if you ask me.

No, little one, George's ghost won't come back. Human beings don't have souls. No soul, no ghost. Simple.""How can you say that?" protested Mopple. "We don't know whether humans have souls or not.""Every lamb knows that your soul is in your sense of smell. And human beings don't have very good noses." Maude herself had an excellent sense of smell, and often thought about the problem of souls and noses."So you'd only see a very small ghost. Nothing to be afraid of.

Spike (to Giles) : Oh, poor Watcher. Did your life pass before your eyes — 'Cuppa tea, cuppa tea... almost got shagged... cuppa tea'?

Change is inevitable - except from a vending machine.

One of the many downsides to being a drug addict is never really knowing if the stuff is real.

Of course, you didn't want our help. Now I have to go beat up some soldier just to keep my ego intact.

People have many cruel expectations from writers. People expect novelists to live on a hill with three kids and a spouse, people expect children's story writers to never have sex, and people expect all great poets to be dead. And these are all very difficult expectations to fulfill, I think.

She wore an A-line bridal gown with a V-shaped neckline while Apollo playing Bach's Air on the G string.

Smiling is definitely one of the best beauty remedies. If you have a good sense of humor and a good approach to life, that’s beautiful.

I'm glad you escaped, Kyra," Fred said, looking serious again. "And that I found you.""Me too," Kyra said, glancing up at him. "It wouldn't have been much of a life trying to live in the dumbwaiter."Fred leaned down and kissed Kyra full on the lips.Kyra pulled away. "How do you know I'm interested in you? Just because you've decided I'm worth hanging around for doesn't mean I feel the same way."Fred cocked his head at her. "Really?""Oh, okay," Kyra said.Then she kissed him back.

Someday, my young friend, you'll find out that girls are actually people too. Just like you and me.

What were you chanting when you gave me your blood?”“More of my vampire magic. I cast a healing spell to aid the powers of my blood.”She sniffled, her nose stuffy. “It was better than Vicodin.”“Vicodin?”“A painkiller from my world.”“A killer of pain. Did you love him?” The words were growled.A burst of unexpected humor gave her strength. “No. In fact, he was hard to shake. He, uh, stalked me, that kind of thing. I had to pretend he didn’texist.”Nicolai kissed her temple and relaxed against her.

All he had was nothing, but that was something, and now it had been taken away.

Percy: Dad-Poseidon: Very well! It shall be as you say. But my son, pray this works.Percy: I'm praying, I'm talking to you, right?Poseidon: Oh...yes. Good point.

You must be a rich human,” went on Holonie. “You could have come here with bodyguards, dogs, something. But you came here alone. Very risky. Nearly insane. Completely stupid.”Elbryn laughed his flat, humorless laugh. “Thanks?

He sees me when I'm lying. He hears me when I flirt.

Twinkle twinkle little star, I want to hit you with a car. Throw you off a bridge so high,Hope you break your neck and die.

I'm a born-again atheist.

Where's the dam water fountain I'm thirsty?

I don't want to settle down because God has satisfied me and heard my prayers. I want to stay hungry and thirsty for the things of God.

The death of a billionaire is worth more to the media than the lives of a billion poor people.

Things stayed peaceful in there, even as the crashing vehicles and the cries of the injured and dying reached a crescendo outside. "I fry mine in butter!" indeed.

Sorry," I said to the Duke."Eh, it's not your fault. It's Carla's fault. You were turning the wheel. Carla just wasn't listening. I knew I shouldn't have loved her. She's like all the others, Tobin; as soon as I confess my love, she abandons me."I laughed. "I never abandoned you," I said patting on her back."Yeah, well, (a.) I never confessed my love to you, and (b.) I'm not even female to you.

Feeling extremely foolish, the acting representative of Homo sapiens watched his First Contact stride away across the Raman plain, totally indifferent to his presence.

Sorry. Didn't mean to step on any dead toes.

He's not doing anything he shouldn't be doing, right?" "Like what?""Like hitting on you.""Ew. No, of course not. He doesn't see me that way." Michael shook his head and went back to his coffee."What? You think he does?""Sometimes he looks at you a little... oddly, that's all. Maybe you're right. Maybe he just wants you for your blood.""Again, Ew! What's with you this morning?""Not enough coffee.

Yes, we'll have to put a stop to this bookworming. No future in that.

Though you can live for as much as you like, but your longevity is stupidity if you were leading a worthless life.

What do you think the Order is going to do?" he asks. "Help us open a door to Hell, if we're lucky," I reply. Lucky. Ha ha. The irony.

When asked what profession they like least, most people will give the obvious answer: clowns.

Keep your head high and your skirt down.

The doctors found out that Bunbury could not live, that is what I mean - so Bunbury died.He seems to have had great confidence in the opinion of his physicians. I am glad, however, that he made up his mind at the last to some definite course of action, and acted under proper medical advice.

Fact: upon locking yourself our of your apartment you will immediately need to use the bathroom. Fact: and then you will stand in place and watch your door. You will just stare. As though rebuffed by it. As though it has done this to you.

Definition of rock journalism: People who can't write, doing interviews with people who can't think, in order to prepare articles for people who can't read.

There's a cover for every pot, but I've never seen so many mismatched pots and covers in all my life. - Ellen Wasserfeldman, from Notes from Ellen Wasserfeldman by Alisa Dana Steinberg

The people who establish the laws, acts, and regulations already did the tedious work; the rest of the process is just putting the “Credit Acts into Action.” - The Credit Repair Book: The Credit Repair Company's Secret Weapon.

Why is it so sexy when hot guys stare each other down like that? Why do I feel like licking the air? Am I ovulating?

Orgasms are a myth. Like good credit scores.

Everyone is born creative; everyone is given a box of crayons in kindergarten. Then when you hit puberty they take the crayons away and replace them with dry, uninspiring books on algebra, history, etc. Being suddenly hit years later with the 'creative bug' is just a wee voice telling you, 'I'd like my crayons back, please.

To begin with, I dined there on Monday, and once a week is quite enough to dine with one's own relations.

The composite of what you know to do—that which compels you, that which you are naturally already drawn to, that which exploits the unique potentials inside you, that which you know you are capable of doing, that which will build a bridge between imagination and reality—causes a relationship that obliges sacrifice.

We need the Fallen Legion,” I said without preamble, trying to catch my breath after running after her.“And I need an evil-proof bubble to put Jules in,” Firen said dryly.“That’ll teach me to start off a conversation with a demand,” I grumbled.

Paris answered for him. "Last time he spread the flashing love, Reyes threw up all over his shirt. I never laughed so hard in my life. Lucien, though, has no sense of humor and vowed never to take us again.""I'm surprised you didn't mention the part where you fainted," Lucien said wryly.Strider chortled. "Oh, man. You fainted? What a baby!""Hey," Paris said, frowning at Lucien. "I told you I hit my head midflash."Lucien

Why not?

Lady, I do not make up things. That is lies. Lies are not true. But the truth could be made up if yo know how. And that's the truth.

The Democrats are the party that says government will make you smarter, taller, richer, and remove the crabgrass on your lawn. The Republicans are the party that says government doesn't work and then they get elected and prove it.

I thought that one was going to hit me,” I said, watching the disappointed girl stalk off into the crowd. “Being your girlfriend is dangerous.” “What can I say? I’m a magnificent specimen of manhood. Of course they all want me. But I do appreciate you protecting my honor.

Oh, man," Xavier groaned. "See what you've done--now I'm stressing.""You can't! You're the stable one!"Xavier laughed and I realized his distress had been feigned to illustrate a point. He wasn't worried in the slightest."Just relax. Go and run a bath or have a shot of brandy.""Okay.""That second bit was a joke. We both know you can't hold your liquor.

Hey,” Watney said over the radio, “I've got an idea.”“Of course you do,” Lewis said. “What do you got?”“I could find something sharp in here and poke a hole in the glove of my EVA suit. I could use the escaping air as a thruster and fly my way to you. The source of thrust would be on my arm, so I'd be able to direct it pretty easily.”“How does he come up with this shit?” Martinez interjected.“Hmm,” Lewis said. “Could you get 42 meters per second that way?”“No idea,” Watney said.“I can't see you having any control if you did that,” Lewis said. “You'd be eyeballing the intercept and using a thrust vector you can barely control.”“I admit it's fatally dangerous,” Watney said. “But consider this: I'd get to fly around like Iron Man.”“We'll keep working on ideas,” Lewis said.“Iron Man, Commander. Iron Man.

Adrian had always found it amusing that a guy could be drilling Stacia up her ass while she considered herself to be a virgin. Her intent had been to present herself as such when she found "Mr. Right.

You know what would help?" I asked, not meeting his eyes."Hmm?""If you turned off this crap music and put on something that came out after the Berlin Wall went down."Dimitri laughted. "Your worst class is history, yet somehow, you know everything about Eastern Europe.""Hey, gotta have material for my jokes, Comrade." Still smiling, he turned the radio dail. To a country station."Hey! This isn't what I had in mind," I exclaimed. I could tell he was on the verge of laughing again."Pick. It's one or the other."I sighed. "Go back to the 1980s stuff."He flipped the dail, and I crossed my arms over my chest as some vaguely European-sounding band sang about how video had killed the radio star. I wished someone would kill this radio.

There is nothing that I so greatly admire as purposefulness. I have an enormous respect for people who know exactly what they are doing and where they are going. Such people are compact and integrated. They have clear edges. They give an impression of invulnerability and balance, and I wish I were one of them.