Humor Quotes - Page 74

You know you’re dealing with a numpty when her saving grace is that she didn’t help to cover up a murder.

Will Cato's alien buddies come en masse and invade Earth? He's not sure but he'll try to keep humanity in the loop.

It could have been a thief or a murderer. I considered crying out. A thief would run away, but a murderer would murder me. On the other hand, the murderer would probably murder me if I didn't too. That was his whole thing.

Some people never go crazy. What truly horrible lives they must lead.

There was a sound like a human yawn, and then the skull turned slightly toward me and asked, "What's up, boss?""Evil's afoot.""Well, sure," Bob said, "because it refuses to learn the metric system. Otherwise it'd be up to a meter by now.

You made me feel less alone;you made me feel not quite sodeformed, uninformed and hunchbacked.

I have no way to describe this, and I am positive that this is all just a horrible dream I have yet to wake up from. The vice principle is insane. My own uncle is insane. Those stupid kids are insane. Mother Nature is insane...

There will be days that you don’t want to dress up and if you have some decent looking athletic wear, you can give the illusion that you’ve just been working out, as opposed to giving up on life.

It's like smoking compost through a raccoon.

Because as you become better at everything, as the innate skills actually manifest in reality, the bar rises for the next jump. The core demand for evolution is relentless, and respect, happiness, love and joy are irrevocably tied to it.

What’s the worst that could happen?”“Don’t say that!” Bess and Corwin yelled at the same time.“You two are so superstitious.

I'm sorry I hurt your hand...with my face."-Bobby Pendragon

Don’t know what I’m talking about? Don’t know what I’m talking about!” My shout hit notes that normally only Wagnerian sopranos can reach. “You think you’re a freaking leprechaun, but I don’t know what I’m talking about?

101 Reasons Why its great to be a woman : We have three times the amount of potential sick leave. Take into account all those days you are unable to work owing to pre, during and post menstrual tension.

Victor patted my hand. 'I like you, Sky. You're a fighter.''I am, aren't I? Hear that, Zed? No more bambi comparisons. I'm a Rottweiler -with a temper.''A very small Rottweiler,' said Zed, still not convinced.

Would Crazy Horse have spent this much to remodel a kitchen?

It was February sixth: eight days until Valentine's Day. I was dateless, as usual, deep in the vice grip of unrequited love. It was bad enough not having a boyfriend for New Year's Eve. Now I had to cope with Valentine datelessness, feeling consummate social pressure from every retailer in America who stuck hearts and cupids in their windows by January second to rub it in.

Don't forget to give Neville our love!' Ginny told James as she hugged him.!' Neville-'James rolled his eyes.....

There's a friendly tie of some sort between music and eating.

I hate you," I muttered.Noah smiled wider. "I know.

I had a boyfriend who told me I’d never succeed, never be nominated for a Grammy, never have a hit song, and that he hoped I’d fail. I said to him, ‘Someday, when we’re not together, you won’t be able to order a cup of coffee at the fucking deli without hearing or seeing me.

I grew up once, I decided never to do it again

He opened the first letter, No "Dear Mr. Woods." It was a page full of profanities. There was something oddly refreshing about honest, to-the-point hate mail. No hypocrisy and forced politeness. Too many letters ripped you to shreds, then closed off 'Sincerely yours.

You can drag my body to school but my spirit refuses to go.

I have been thinking about what might happen if they installed clappers to turn on and off the lights in a concert hall. Maybe they could spare the cost of hiring some people for the next rock concert.

Toadstool mandarins are a form of toxic jellyfish whose tentacles are loaded with entheogenic venom. The effects of a mandarin sting are threefold. The first is a sharp stinging sensation; the second a nasty red welt, which may fester if not treated with a salve of toadstool mandarin doodoo. And the third is a bold of self-awareness, thanks to the entheogens in the venom. Having been stung, a victim's typical reaction will be something like:Owww. Zark, that hurts.Then:Oh no. Look at this nasty red welt. I'm in the swimsuit competition later.And finally:What? I'm a latent misogynist with father issues!If a person is allergic to mandarin venom, one sting will prompt total self-awareness, leading to either immediate catatonia or a career as a talk show pundit.

A few dud universes can really clutter up your basement.

My tendency to make up stories and lie compulsively for the sake of my own amusement takes up a good portion of my day and provides me with a peace of mind not easily attainable in this economic climate.

Look at me!Look at me!Look at me NOW!It is fun to have funBut you have to know how.

Everything will turn out right, the world is built on that.

High School. Society’s bright idea to put all their aggressive, naive youth into one environment to torment and emotionally scar each other for life.

Never before have the tools of value creation been so great and the potential artisans so busy watching the Kardashians.

I'm considering writing a self-help book and giving people 20 cents to read it. This way, I can be sure they all get new paradigms.

Psychology is more concerned with identifying the degree of mental disorder and less with its cure!

The verse is supposed to get you hard so the chorus can suck you off.

If you want to make God laugh, tell him-her your plan

I know you're the only pistol champion we have, but I'd rather they no see enough of you to hit. You're also the only wife I have...""You're so sweet.'"...at the moment.

Life's a party. So smile and eat shit and pretend it's fucking caviar.

You know what you need?”“What?”“You need to think about what a badass bald man would do in this situation”“There are no badass bald men. By definition.”“What about Dwight D. Eisenhower?” Carlos suggested.“President Eisenhower?”“Doesn’t he qualify as a badass?” Carlos insisted.“Look, he may have been president, but he doesn’t exactly come to people’s minds when you ask them to think of a badass.”“All right. How about Kojak?” Carlos asked.“That police detective show with Telly Savalas?” Sammy asked.“Yeah, Kojak. He was a badass. Always cool under pressure.”“All right,” Sammy replied. “Let’s just say, for the sake of argument, that Kojak was a bald badass. So what?’“So you have to imagine how Kojak would deal with this situation we have in front of us. He wouldn’t be worried about whether this girl digs bald guys. He would just walk right up to her, knowing that he’s a badass and just take care of business. You see, it’s all in the delivery.”“The delivery?”“Yeah, the execution

Ms. Wormwood: Calvin, can you tell us what Lewis and Clark did? Calvin: No, but I can recite the secret superhero origin of each member of Captain Napalm's Thermonuclear League of Liberty. Ms. Wormwood: See me after class, Calvin. Calvin: [retrospectively] I'm not dumb. I just have a command of thoroughly useless information.

There were no windows in my bedroom, so I had to sit up and read my clock to figure out how angry I should be at my visitor. Eight A.M. I hated whoever woke me up. Had they come an hour earlier, I would have also hated their families and any household pets.

Now what state do you live in?''Denial.

Of course I love you. For real. I will sure come and personally meet you myself. Just to make sure you're well. When is your funeral?

This damn ring had derailed her life. No wonder Gollum had gone insane.

Daniel: So, how are you?Sophie: Buckling under the weight of a thousand expectations. You?

Love came, it saw, and it conquered me.

Something can be very funny and then suddenly very terrifying-very exciting, and suddenly very ridiculous. I think that’s what life is like, that’s what interests me.

And then everything was in the hands of gravity, which has never had much love for the terminally stupid.

That Jim Crow there in the window," answered the urchin, holding out a cent, and pointing to the gingerbread figure that had attracted his notice, as he loitered along to school; "the one that has not a broken foot.

In the world of today, human desires far supersede human needs. Waste, as you can see, is the result of all of those contradictions. That is how we ended up complicating our world.

You are so lost to your higher self that you would resent me for my achievements, rather than celebrate them with me, sexually?

Life is like a one rung ladder, some days you can be on the top and bottom of the world at the same time

Oh the wonders of being married. Put a gun in one hand and a woman in the other, I'm never sure who's going to kill me first.

I spill my emotions and hopes on pieces of paper and pixels of screens, combining and creating, merging traditional methods with artificial means.Words carved in ink and electricity to facilitate simplicity and eradicate toxicity. No matter what fashion, form, font, method or avenue, the simplest and most meaningful words remain ever so true; I choose and love, only forever you.

I'm sorry," he says."What? Why?""You're fixing everything I set down." He nods at my hands, which are readjusting the elephant. "It wasn't polite of me to come in and start touching your things.""Oh, it's okay," I say quickly, letting go of the figurine. "You can touch anything of mine you want." would be so bad.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Fine, I'll teach you,''Besides, there's only so many times a girl wants to fall on her butt in front of the boy she's out to impress.

Well finish your story anyway."Where was I?"The bubonic plague. The bulldozer was stalled by corpses."Oh, yes. Anyway, one sleepless night I stayed up with Father while he worked. It was all we could do to find a live patient to treat. In bed after bed after bed we found dead people.And Father started giggling," Castle continued.He couldn't stop. He walked out into the night with his flashlight. He was still giggling. He was making the flashlight beam dance over all the dead people stacked outside. He put his hand on my head and do you know what that marvelous man said to me?" asked Castle.Nope."'Son,' my father said to me, 'someday this will all be yours.

You must be a blast on long car rides.”“Oh, I am. You haven't experienced fun until you try to fuck in the front seat of a Civic.

From my earliest years I had always wanted to be a writer. It was not that I had any particular message for humanity. I am still plugging away and not the ghost of one so far, so it begins to look as though, unless I suddenly hit mid-season form in my eighties, humanity will remain a message short.