Humor Quotes - Page 68

I could use you—if you pass the tests, of course. There are three of them. You have passed the first.""What are the other—" Hrun paused, his lips moved soundlessly and then he hazarded, "two?

Gradually my whole concept of time changed until I thought of a month as having twenty-five days of humanness and five others when I might just as well have been an animal in a steel trap.

The house in the story is based on my friend Tori's house in Kinsale, Ireland, which is obviously not actually haunted, and the sound of people upstairs moving wardrobes around when you are downstairs there and alone is probably just something that old houses do when they think they are unobserved.

My tastes are simple: I am easily satisfied with the best.

Being rich or famous is the only profound thing that some people have ever said.

I have the word of God and my bible is very interesting, this book was conceived in battle, Jesus Christ our Saviour was conceived in brokenness, out of barenness to redeem a people who were in bondage to their sin. I know exactly where to go when the people start getting confused, trading lies for truth, buying injustice for justice and even when the media starts to show me the prospectives of the world that I am living in, I have my prospective from the word of God.

Kei: Is there anything else you need while I'm here, Your Highness?Cabot: No, but you can leave the sarcasm in there.

But the helmet had gold decoration, and the bespoke armorers had made a new gleaming breastplate with useless gold ornamentation on it. Sam Vimes felt like a class traitor every time he wore it. He hated being thought of as one of those people that wore stupid ornamental armor. It was gilt by association.

Some men’s chests are more buttlike than some women’s butts.

And yet another moral occurs to me now: Make love when you can. It's good for you.

Only the good die young, the bad petite-mort

a politician is an arse uponwhich everyone has sat except a man

You know when I'm down to my socks it's time for businessThat's why they're called business socksIt's business, it's business time

An uncomfortable marriage can not bear the strain of the death of a beloved donkey.

But who wants to be foretold the weather? It is bad enough when it comes, without our having the misery of knowing about it beforehand.

This (San Francisco) is the most beautiful city in America, Probably because it looks nothing like America

Nowhere have I ever heard of Satan taking the form of an avuncular hippie. No doubt he could. It just seems inefficient.

Weirdism is definitely the cornerstone of many an artist's career.

You're amazing," she whispered hoarsely.He pushed back the hair from her face. "You too.""How? All I do is let you play me like a piano."He chuckled. "You've got a great keyboard.

I can see how I could write a bold account of myself as a passionate man who rose from humble beginnings to cut a wide swath in the world, whose crimes along the way might be written off to extravagance and love and art, and could even almost believe some of it myself on certain days after the sun went down if I’d had a snort or two and was in Los Angeles and it was February and I was twenty-four, but I find a truer account in the Herald-Star, where it says: “Mr. Gary Keillor visited at the home of Al and Florence Crandall on Monday and after lunch returned to St. Paul, where he is currently employed in the radio show business… Lunch was fried chicken with gravy and creamed peas”.

Yes, we'll yell, 'Help, help us, goose girl, and bring the terrifying legion of warrior geese'.

In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra.

Mars and my own stupidity keep trying to kill me.

As a gentleman- assuming you still have some pretensions in that direction- of honor- again, perhaps presumptuous, but still supposing your passing acquaintance with the concept- it is your duty- I won't even trouble to speculate here, but remain naively hopeful- to protect those under your care.

Just because you have baggage doesn't mean you have to lug it around.

When life hands you lemons say,"Lemons? What else have you got?"- bumper sticker

I sort of kind of said something a little like that but maybe not clearly enough to sound like that... But it's what I meant.

We laughed together. It’s so lovely laughing with a man. It feels positive. Relaxed…

I care. They bother me. And that's why I'm stupid. That makes me exponentially more stupid than stupid. I'm stupid to the power of stupid.

Everything was fine, would continue to be fine, would eventually get even better as long as the supermarket did not slip.

Oh, don't mind me," came an extremely sarcastic voice near the wall. “You two go ahead and make out–I'll just sit here and bleed quietly.

The urge to change my mind and not go at all is enormous. I’m absolutely terrified to leave on that boat. But, if I don’t go, there’ll be one more broken person in this world who gave up a dream to sit in a chair, pick up the TV remote and shrink.

Inside, my soul is curled tightly bearing the burden of massive sins from another life. And my eyes look far at the hell around me... a sharp grin tugs at the corner of my lips.

On the corner of Cathedral Road a raven sat in a tree watching him. He knew it was Dorkus for two reasons. Firstly, he'd told Dorkus to stay there to keep an eye on Michael. Secondly, he was wearing a top hat, carrying a cane, and if Corvid's eyes were right, he now had spats over his feet."Cacaw," Dorkus said."Really?" Corvid replied, "we're back to cawing?""I thought it would be less suspicious in public.""You do know you just said that carrying a cane and wearing a top hat and a pair of spats?

And by golly, love sure was a battlefield. Benatar was right about that.

Paranormal. It rolls off the tongue with such poetry but it means something like, beyond normal. There is nothing paranormal about magic. Magic is the norm. —Penny SweeneyMagic All Around

This bastard was in a self-help program? For what? Square-jawed, cleft-chin sufferers? Handsome Bastards Anonymous?

When life gives you lemons, you make lemonade. Then find someone who's life is givin' them vodka and have a party!

Like a battalion of marines at roll call, her neck hairs marshaled to five-alarm status. She stumbled back to her desk, jerked open the botton drawer, retrieved a pair of Nighthawk binoculars, fixed the scopes on him, and fiddled with the focus. Gotcha. Hair the colour of coal. Chocolate brown eyes. A five-o'clock shadow ringing his craggy jawline. Handsome as the day was long...He sauntered towards her, oozing charisma from every pore. Charlee forgot to breathe. And then he committed the gravest sin of all, knocking her world helter-skelter. The scoundrel smiled.

Then I say, "Let's go and brush our teeth." So Lola says, "But Charlie, I can't brush my teeth because somebody is using my tooth." "But who would use your toothbrush?" I ask. Lola says "I think that lion. I saw a lion with my toothbrush and now he's brushing his teeth with it." "But it isn't this your toothbrush Lola?" "Oh," says Lola, "he must be using yours.

Blood rushed to the regions of my body that I associated with naughtiness, and I was powerless to stop it.

Courage is not beating up the bully or letting the bully beat you up, it is standing strong before the bully and seeing him for what he truly is: a child of God in need of an attitude adjustment.

Regardless of what others may tell you, you only need two Mexican-Americans for a Mexican standoff.

everything is negotiable. everything.

He says I'm beautiful as a red tomato

You're thinking that if the North Pole has little elves and shape-shifting reindeer that maybe werewolves aren't quite so farfetched. Am I right? Well, you're wrong. There's no such thing as werewolves. That would just be crazy.

Promise me, Amelie, that you’ll crucify me with silver before you allow me to fall in love.”“I hardly think there’s any chance of that,” Amelie said. "I doubt you have the capacity.

There are some young almond tress, which ordinarily look as if drawn by a childish hand. Now, as the wind sets their weak branches gibbering, they seem like shamanistic scratches on the white bone of the brittle bright night.

Hell's bells, Susan, you don't know what you've done. You've got to get outof here."She snorted. "Like hell.""I mean it," I said. "You're in danger.""Relax, Harry. I'm not letting anyone lick me, and I'm not looking anyone in the eyes. It's kind of like visiting New York.

One of the comics said he thought I was talented but wouldn't ever make it as a stand-up. It hurt. Looking back now, I can see clearly how experienced comics get bitter. It's a tough business, and often things don't work out the way you think they will. But rage and jealousy comics can feel for others' success is a highly toxic waste of time.

We are all planted in God's vineyard and our lives are filled with potentials and purpose and we have all been given the hopes to anchor our lives even in the most disappointed times. So God is waiting to see what you and I will make out of the raw materials that He has given to us. He is waiting to see what we will make out of the discouragement and disappointment. I believe that in those deepest places of disappointment that the greatest grace will manifest.

Our love was a two-person game. At least until one of us died, and the other became a murderer.

There is nothing, he tells me, more odious than a German. However, their women are seductive, and they make the world's most beautiful music. My employer sings me a German song. He sounds like a buffalo in distress. Afterward he makes me read to him from the Bible.

The children were overwhelmingly morbid. Not a single adult asked me where butterflies go when they die, but this question was more popular than pixie sticks with the under-four-foot set. I cursed parents for not preparing their children. When I was five, my mother and sister sat me up on the kitchen counter and explained the facts of life: the Easter Bunny didn't exist, Elijah was God's invisible friend, with any luck Nana would die soon, and if I ever saw a unicorn, I should kill it or catch it for cash. I turned out okay.

I must say, Graystone, you are surviving married life very nicely." Peter helped himself to claret from the decanter that had been set out in the library."Thank you, Sheldrake. I flatter myself that not every man could survive being married to Augusta.

Don't eat till you're full, eat till you're tired.

Unless you're in an early seventies-era Eagles cover band, a founding member of a religious cult, or sleeping under a bridge in Seattle, lose the beard and get a haircut. Power doesn't have time for any form of hirsute hipster self expression.

We heard the army before we saw it.The noise was like a cannon barrage combined with a football stadium crowd- like every Patriots fan in New England was charging us with bazookas.

Young people, nowadays, imagine that money is everything.Yes, murmured Lord Henry, settling his button-hole in his coat; and when they grow older they know it.

The good thing is Jason and I both outrank you so we can both tell you to shut up.