Humor Quotes - Page 6

I believe that there is an equality to all humanity. We all suck.

Have you got something against faith?”“Have you got something against reason?

Every brilliant theory in physics, for example, has been proven mainly wrong, except for the most recent ones, which will be. The big players, like Newton and Copernicus, gave us answers that were later proved more wrong than right. What they did—and why they are valued—is direct our attention to more piercing and compelling questions or possibilities. (I’d suggest the same holds true for the big spiritual players, but that’s a different letter.)

For like as the ground is given unto the wood, and the sea to his floods: even so they that dwell upon the earth may understand nothing but that which is upon the earth: and he that dwell above the heavens may only understand the things that are above the height of the heavens.

Ugh!' snarled the Wolf, as he limped through the brushwood with his tail between his legs, 'this is perfectly monstrous weather. Why doesn't the Government look to it?

At the Slavemarket:“How is her disposition?” “Meek as meek can be; we tried training her in the care of sheep, but they bullied her, and drove her to tears.”Iayd turned to Fudail’s henchman Falih. Falih was a bald, fat man charged with keeping the slaves in line. His face bore scars that seemed to indicate that he had just recently tried to rob an eagle nest whilst the eagle mother was still at home. His legs stood knock-kneed and he held his groin as if something serious was amiss with the heirlooms entrusted him.“I swear to you, she is an angel sent to earth to spread kindness,” Falih said, his voice somewhat out of pitch. Something must be wrong, thought Iayd.

My body held on though I held snapped threads in my hands and patches of my flesh were missing entirely. I was proud of my little mess... all the mistakes, every scar and every tear, told a story of a life I was strong enough to bear. I wear a patch of pride upon my chest, showing all my self-glory of the good times and the rest.

There, just beyond his open palm, was our mother’s face. I wasn’t expecting it. We hadn’t requested a viewing, and the memorial service was closed-coffin. We got it anyway. They’d shampooed and waved her hair and made up her face. They’d done a great job, but I felt taken, as if we’d asked for the basic carwash and they’d gone ahead and detailed her. Hey, I wanted to say, we didn’t order this. But of course I said nothing. Death makes us helplessly polite.

I have only made this letter longer because I have not had the time to make it sho

It's not that I want you to go, it's just that I don't want you to stay." - China Sorrows -

He’s my new partner JJ and I don’t think he likes you very much. Last guy he took a dislike to still can’t eat anything more solid than yogurt.’ ‘Can’t you keep him on a leash?’ ‘Sure I can. The leash is in the car. I’ll go get it. You guys will be OK by yourselves for ten minutes or so, right?

If women were as good as men they'd be a lot better!

I'm being ironic. Don't interrupt a man in the midst of being ironic, it's not polite. There!

If at first you don't succeed, remove all evidence you ever tried.

Film lovers are sick people.

To be allowed even one color plate in these rather stiff formal articles consisting largely of long scientific names, tables of measurements, fin counts, descriptions of viscera, ect., gives me a feeling of aesthetic release that perhaps the conservative businessman feels when he tops off a dull gray suit and plain white shirt with a red tie.

Don't ever mistake silence for ignorance, when it is obviously stupidity

See, you think I give a shit. Wrong. In fact, while you talk, I'm thinking; How can I give less of shit? That's why I look interested.

I'm Razo, a member of Bayern's Own," he said, stopping himself from adding "Loafing is just a hobby of mine.""Bayern's Own? But you're a child." Razo looked up to the sky. "I'm not a child, I'm just short.

I assure you, my good Lestrade, that I have an excellent reason for everything that I do.

Have you noticed that whatever sport you're trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent?

Transcendence is more about the personal act of not engaging the enemy, finding a way out of the cage that is being designed for you at a particular moment by others, circumstance, or your own bad habits and ignorance.

Tatiana is a ridiculously curvy thing of dreams, with smooth succulent thighs, long strawberry blond cascading beneath a teal bandana, and a nympho sparkle in her eyes that says pick me, lick me, spank me, or I punish you. Raw innocence and mayhem at once.

Oral Roberts is a greed-crazed white-trash lunatic who should have been hung upside down from a telephone pole on the outskirts of Tulsa 44 years ago, before he somehow transmogrified into the money-sucking animal that he became when he discovered television.

Why do I spend every moment with you thinking about why I did not go in the opposite direction when I had the chance?

It is proved by surveys that happiness does not come from love, wealth, or power but the pursuit of attainable goals.

It’s like this…a starving man would gladly eat a radish, right? In fact, a radish would be a feast if that’s all he had. But if he had a buffet in front of him, the radish would never be chosen.

That's kind of a leap, but the Russian judge gave you a nine point five for style, so okay.

I don't want unnecessary violence, sergeant," said Blouse."Right you are, sir!" said the sergeant. "Carborundum! First man comes through that door runnin', I want him nailed to the wall!" He caught the lieutenant's eye, and added: "But not too hard!

I suppose we ought to be getting home, in any case.”“Oh god, is it wartime already?”“Look on the bright side: it’ll be dinner when we get back.

Success starts with a Vision

I want to be the guy in a movie who's, I don't know, out walking his rabbit on a leash (I don't have a rabbit) and knows exactly how to strike up a quirky, compelling conversation. Though maybe if you're walking a rabbit on a leash, you don't even have to speak; the rabbit does the work for you. Not that Zuzana seems like the rabbity type. Maybe if I were walking a fox on a leash. Or a hyena. Yeah, if I had a hyena, I'd probably never have to start a conversation again.Except for, "Sorry my hyena ate your leg.

Searching through Monster.com while on the clock feels like being on Tinder while still married.

I can absolutely assure you that birth is nothing like holding an ice cube in your hand for a minute and breathing through the "pain.

Once you get off the bandwagon of believing that truth is your enemy and is bad news with all kinds of associated unhappy obligations, you can then afford to take it on with some enthusiasm and start to have some fun with it. You can begin to trust yourself and play with mystery and big questions without the need for a crutch of an answer to lean on and sell to others (“Here you go, this crutch worked for me.”). And you then begin to see these big words, like imagination, fearlessness and truth as signposts to more fun, instead of the reverse as you do now. To start the engine, just follow what you yearn for, make a contract with that which compels you, and fulfill the trust of that contract through choice and action.

The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.

It's so hard to believe in anything anymore. I mean, it's like, religion, you really can't take it seriously, because it seems so mythological, it seems so arbitrary...but, on the other hand, science is just pure empiricism, and by virtue of its method, it excludes metaphysics. I guess I wouldn't believe in anything anymore if it weren't for my lucky astrology mood watch.

You mean other than the wings? I once ate nine snicker bars in a row without barfing. It was a record.

She came awake, stomach rumbling, and opened her eyes to see a plate being held right under her nose. When she reached for it, Shane snatched it back. 'Nuh-uh. Mine.''Share!' she demanded.'Man, you are one grabby girlfriend.'She grinned. It always made her feel so fiercly warm inside to hear him say that- the girlfriend part, not the grabby part. 'If you love me, you'll give me a taco.''Seriously? That's all you got? What about you'll do sexy, illegal things to me for a taco?''Not for a taco,' she said. 'I'm not cheap.''They're brisket tacos.''Now you're talking.

I never hated a man enough to give him his diamonds back.

When red-headed people are above a certain social grade their hair is auburn.

God prepared a table before me in the presence of my insecurity, in the presence of my deficits, in the presence of my addictions, in the presence of my confusions, in the presence of what I have lost, in the presence of the threat that I won't make it, in the presence of my enemies, I am looking straight ahead.

She doesn't understand that a writer is a special creature--that I'm different from everyone else. I'm not saying I'm superior to other people, just more sensitive, I guess.

Seriously, I ‘ve got to know if I need to protect you from people running with pencils." ~ Laney

This is the funniest book I’ve ever held in my hands. --Dave Barry, Pulitzer Prize winning humorist and author says about Radical Sabbatical

Please consult your child’s Witch doctor before using this product. Diapers may cause severe allergies, internal bleeding, and irreversible sex change.

So it's true what they say about warlocks, then?" true?". "You can't be rude to everyone who talks to me."Alec made a wide, sweeping gesture. "And why not? Cramping your style, am I? I mean, maybe you were hoping to flirt with werewolf boy here. He's pretty attractive, if you like the messy-haired, broad-shouldered, chiseled-good-looks type.""Hey, now," said Jordan mildly. Magnus put his head in his hands. into?""Mermaids," said Magnus into his fingers. "They always smell like seaweed."," Alec said savagely, and kicking back his chair, he got up from the table and stalked off into the crowd.

I have to return some videotapes

My advice for those of you who felt being marginalised, undervalued and taken for granted; guess what? That is the Arena where God creates Leaders.

Isn’t it amazing, amazing, amazing that something so specific can be so resonant? These are the filaments, filaments, filaments from that Walt Whitman poem. It makes me think that the thoughts that I have in my head that make me feel the most lonely because I don’t think anyone else thinks them, are also the thoughts that have the most potential that make me feel connected. I just have to get them out some how gossamer thread.

Abignades or abegnadesA term used in te department of the Landes for the intestines of a goose cooked in its blood. Abegnades are found almost solely in the chalosse region, where they are eaten on bread fried in goose fat, with slices of lemon.

Rats! It's rainy outside,And to be a good fellaInvite a smile so wideNobody needs umbrella!

Is food a substitute for love? No, love is a substitute for food. And a pretty poor substitute at that.

I can chase you, and I can catch you,but there is nothing I can do to make you mine.

I’ve been living on the edge for so long, my friends call me Cliff

You can flip a coin but Schrodinger's pet cat will still be in that box.

William: My brother has an appreciation of art, so I imagine the woman he chooses must be beautiful beyond the pale. Once he outgrows his current predilection with painting and accepts his family responsibilities, he'll need a wife who can move throughout society. She must have proper carriage and be a witty conversationalist. She should have excellent bloodlines as well, in the event of offspring.Emma: With the possible exception of a witty conversationalist, I believe you've described all the attributes of a racehorse.

Could you attempt, at least, to make yourself presentable? I know this is a war, but the rest of us are trying to pretend it's a party.

Lazy people, the truly lazy people live on information, strategies, ideas, plans and many other criticals, simply to spend one hour of hard work and make the rest feel like a breeze.

I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.