Humor Quotes - Page 55

Rejection is one thing - but rejection from a fool is cruel.

This was one of those times that a pint just wouldn't cut it.

She's my best friend, and I know she means well, but as she talks I'm mentally calculating all the ways I could silence her. I'm bigger than her... I wonder if I could use my straw for some sort of MacGyver inspired weapon.

So, if there are any couples here this evening having a secret extramarital affair, I encourage you to breed.

God knows I had not wanted to fall in love with her. I had not wanted to fall in love with any one. But God knows I had and I lay on the bed in the room of the hospital in Milan and all sorts of things went through my head but I felt wonderful...

No one will laugh at how great things are for somebody.

Can dragons fly?"The apparent change of subject didn't seem to startle the Mage. "No. Not at all. They do not have wings, ... "If you want a flying spell creature, you need a Roc.""A what?""A Roc. It is a giant bird," Alain explained. Mari shook her head. "A giant bird. I'm crazy to be listening to this, you know that?""I have thought…” He fumbled for words, for a moment looking just like any other seventeen-year-old young man. Was that actually embarrassment showing? “You might…be interested…someday….in flying…on a Roc. I mean…with me.” 
“Are you asking me on a date?” Mari tried desperately not to laugh at his discomfort. “A date on a giant bird?”
“Um…I do not know…just something to do…together. That is not dangerous,” Alain added hastily. 
“Doing something together, that isn’t dangerous?” Mari asked. “That would be a change of pace for us, wouldn’t it? … "Have you ever gone…flying…with a girl before?” 
Was he blushing? Just the faintest hint of it, but—stars above. She had made a Mage blush. 
“No,” Alain said.

(I didn’t tell him that thediagnosis came three months after I got my first period. Like: Congratulations! You’re a woman. Now die.)

Most investigators don't even know what the word means. You stop the cops from using informants and the only crimes they'd ever solve would be those by deranged postal workers who come to work once too often.

I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read in the train.

I would rather write a book without a title if my true friend chooses to live in a million dollar home in London and acts foreign.

Jev stroked his chin. "Do I look like a summer fling?

No threatening the cat!" Mr. Snuggly said.

My first semester I had only nine students. Hoping they might view me as professional and well prepared, I arrived bearing name tags fashioned in the shape of maple leaves.

How am I going to explain to my kids one day that I can't buy them a happy meal because the toy will make them fat?

What irritates me most of all about these morning people is their horribly good temper, as if they have been up for three hours and already conquered France. Particularly since the vast majority of them, in spite of rising so appallingly early, have performed anything but great deeds. In Berlin I have time and again met people who make no secret of the fact that their only reason for stirring at such an ungodly hour of the morning is so that they can leave the office earlier in the afternoon. I have suggested to several of these eight-hour logicians that they ought to start work at ten o'clock at night, thereby allowing them to leave at six in the morning and perhaps even arrive home before it is time to get up. Some even took this for a serious suggestion. In my opinion, only bakers need to work early in the morning.

I’m not sure how people drink out of skulls,” Jinx added. Calvin had too many holes in him to make a good cup.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

You make me sound like an arrogant ass," he said."Are you?""No! I'm just me.

But there is in everything a reasonable division of labour. I have written the book, and nothing on earth would induce me to read it.

I don't know what I expected – no maybe I do, Al Pacino from Scarface- but this drug dealer is more like Al Pacino at the beginning of The Godfather reasonably bemused, untouched by his criminal world, sitting with Diane Keaton whispering about Luca Brazzi, not yet asleep with the fishes, or like Al Pacino from Glengarry Glen Ross, although actually, now that I think about it, he's not like Al Pacino at all but more like Kevin Spacey from that film, and who's ever been afraid of Kevin Spacey?

Out of curiosity, when do I grow up and become a fullfledgedman with a penis?”“When words like ‘hump day’ don’t make you giggle like atwelve-year-old,” he retorted, blowing smoke my way.“Wow, that long?

The sleds accelerated quickly as they glided effortlessly over the smooth ice. We had never before experienced such a quick, easy slide. usually we wished we could push ourselves to make our sleds go faster. But not this time. The crystals of ice started flying past at an incredible rate of speed. No longer aware of where my sister and her sled were, all I could see was raw ice whizzing by ten inches under my chin at a rate of speed I never imagined I would experience on a sled. I felt like I was flying!

I enjoy poetry where I can talk as bizarre as I please, but theology or philosophy, I always respect the truth by taking it a step further.

You're such a cynic," Molly said."I think cynics are playful and cute.

I think I'm going through a bit of ADD. I'm reading 3 books simultaneously and it's something that I don't recommend. It's like watching TV with two others who keep changing the channels...

Civilization is vastly overrated.

Do you answer a question directly?""Hard to say. Ah, there, I've done it again

{Calpurnia)"My mother…she’s desperate for a daughter she can dress like a porcelain doll. Sadly, I shall never be such a child. How I long for my sister to come out and distract the countess from my person."He joined her on the bench, asking, "How old is your sister?""Eight," she said, mournfully."Ah. Not ideal.""An understatement." She looked up at the star-filled sky. "No, I shall be long on the shelf by the time she makes her debut.""What makes you so certain you’re shelf-bound?"She cast him a sidelong glance. "While I appreciate your chivalry, my lord, your feigned ignorance insults us both." When he failed to reply, she stared down at her hands, and replied, "My choices are rather limited.""How so?""I seem able to have my pick of the impoverished, the aged, and the deadly dull.

Do you expect to learn anything at Shiz?” he asked. “I have already learned not to speak to strangers.” “Then I will introduce myself and we will be strangers no longer. I am Dillamond.” “I am disinclined to know you.

Hunter was bipolar, for crying out loud. He had checked into the nut house on more than one occasion and, honestly, I was already starting to feel the anxiety of living together. I would need to get my martial arts skills up to par to deal with this lunatic. I knew that I would also need to pick up a copy of Kill Bill at my next convenience and take notes as I watched, just in case a fight happened to break out in the kitchen. Also, at night, I had decided that I would need to sleep with either a small pistol or a flamboyant hunting knife under my pillow for a quick grab, in case he skipped his meds one night and decided to kill me. I needed to be prepared for the unthinkable.

My sub doesn't pay for me,” he says, pulling me to my feet. “That just doesn't happen.”“But we ordered so much,” I say helpl

I had only four hairs worth shaving, but I managed to inflict five cuts attempting to remove them.

I'm not obliged to defend your dignity. Provided you have any.

A country road, a gravel road, is a sign of civilization, sure, but it’s just a farm, an easy conquest. Iron means a stronghold, people who can defend what’s theirs.

Weetzie could see him--it was a man, a little man in a turban, with a jewel in his nose, harem pants, and curly-toed slippers. "Lanky Lizards!" Weetzie exclaimed."Greetings," said the man in an odd voice, a rich, dark purr."Oh, shit!" Weetzie said."I beg your pardon? Is that your wish?

I love you and it's getting worse.

The next thing Jordana says makes me realize that it's too late to save her. "I've noticed that when you light a match, the flame is the same shape as a falling tear." She's been sensitized, turned gooey in the middle. I saw it happening and I didn't do anything to stop it. From now on, she'll be writing diaries and sometimes including little poems and she'll buy gifts for her favourite teachers and she'll admire the scenery and she'll watch the news and she'll buy soup for homeless people and she'll never burn my leg hair again.

Claire was struggling through last summer’s diary volume when Myrnin popped in through the portal, wearing a big floppy black hat and a kind of crazy/stylish pimp coat that covered him from neck to ankles, black leather gloves, and a black and silver walking stick with a dragon’s head on it. And, on his lapel was a button that said, If you can read this, thank a teacher.

Don't think because you can't affect something at a great level that God can't use you in a great way. David didn't even train one day with the armies but He won the war. He didn't even have a weapon but he killed a giant.

Well, man, you know what they say."No, I don't. I don't know what they say. I don't even know who they are. Who is this they? They seem pretty smug. They seem to think they know shit. Fuck them.

There’s never enough time for all the naps you want.

Hear about the hidden time. Some think the hidden time is yet to come. The Kingdom of God does not come by Observation. It is hidden in the inner dimension.

Wisteria hangs over the eaves like clumps of ghostly grapes. Euphorbia's pale blooms billow like sea froth. Blood grass twists upward, knifing the air, while underground its roots go berserk, goosing everything in their path. A magnolia, impatient with vulvic flesh, erupts in front of the living room window. The recovering terrorist--holding a watering can filled with equal parts fish fertilizer and water, paisley gloves right up over her freckled forearms, a straw hat with its big brim shading her eyes, old tennis shoes speckled with dew--moves through her front garden. Her face, she tells herself, like a Zen koan. The look of one lip smiling.

I do maintain that if your hair is wrong, your entire life is wrong.

Having a great intellect is no path to being happy.

But giving drugs to a cat is no joke, Kemp!

Since I can't turn into a bat and fly, I'll still need my bus pass

Any civilization where the main symbol of religious veneration is a tool of execution is a bad place to have children.

...and specimens like this confirmed there had been some kind of divine rule in the universe because no natural selection process was up to the task of creating something like him. This was some god’s, somewhere’s, handiwork.

He's acting as foolish as a kitten... but then, everyone's entitled to a little foolishness once in a while.

Face it," Gary told her kindly. "You'll never catch up. You just do as much as you can and take the punishments without saying anything. Sometimes I wonder if that isn't what they're really trying to teach us--to take plenty and keep our mouths shut.

Anyone who knew the word slattern was worth cultivating as a friend.

EH.MA.GAWD.

In high school, she’d been the loner fat girl and I’d been the asshole jock. There had always been something between us; we had gotten on so easily. I remember being both confused and upset that when I’d finally experienced that thing everyone called chemistry, it had been with her of all people.

Dicky was intelligent but he ended up selling tea because he was socially retarded.

The wacky thing about those bad guys is that you can't count on them to be obvious. They forget to wax their mustaches and goatees, leave their horns at home, send their black hats to the dry cleaner's. They're funny like that.

I’m not superstitious. I’m a witch. Witches aren’t superstitious. We are what people are superstitious of.

Just because he might not know the difference between a spanner and a hammer, didn’t mean a good dose of Heroic kicking wouldn’t solve the same problem.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?