Humor Quotes - Page 5

He was especially excited about Aguirre, the Wrath of God. "Look at this crazy dude," he yelled, point at Klaus Kinski, who on the cover is wearing a Viking helmet and looks like a psychopath. So--with Dad's permission--we put the film in and watched it. This would turn out to be the single most important thing ever to happen in our lives.

Siblings that say they never fight are most definitely hiding something

If I’d known a sixty-niner was the way to your heart I would have done it weeks ago.

Just remember, we're all in this alone.

As a general rule, I preferred not to have my soul reaped.

This is a lovely party," said the Bursar to a chair, "I wish I was here.

Randy lay there like a slug. It was his only defense.

Solutions sometimes present themselves after a reset.

I tried to hang myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying.

I didn't understand how. But the toilets had responded to me. I had become one with the plumbing...

I want to make sure I remember what real ugly is. I might want to tell my grandchildren someday.

He rarely saw a doorway without advancing through it as if he owned it. Since he owned a good many doorways, he would have pointed out that this was a reasonable assumption.

The French have a new president, the British will soon have a new P.M., and we envy them as we endure the endless wait for this small dim man to go back to Texas and resume his life.

Henry Jones: I didn't know you could fly a plane!Indiana Jones: Fly -- yes, land -- no.

If you are against abortions, don't have one.

You see, that is the sad, sorry, terrible thing about sarcasm.It's really funny.

I’ve been drunk for about a week now, and I thought it might sober me up to sit in a library.

What do you think we should do about Sampson?" I asked."I would have to say...stop him," Sam said."How?" I asked her."Someone who is as powerful and as smart and crazy as he is should do it.""Okay, but who?""Well...you should.""So you think I'm crazy?" I asked her.

No headboards were broken.

That awkward moment when you realize someone was actually home the whole time you were singing on the tops of your lungs.

One very important key to maintaining our daily sanity is a simple scheduling tactic I call Putting Things the Hell Off.

She had not made a decision to give up sex, only the clamor of romance, because it was exhausting her, doing her no good and too much harm...

As a kid my heart would break for the villains.

Many a parent, sad to say, has used their child as an opportunity for them, the parent, to do, through their child, something or some of the things that they, the parent, did not do or did not do successfully.

Does getting nailed by a werewolf count as bestiality?

Sam's phone buzzed. She fished it out of her pocket, checked the screen, and cursed. "I have to go.""You just got here.""Valkyrie business. Possible code three-eight-one: heroic death in progress.""You're making that up.""I'm not.""So...what, somebody thinks they're about to die and they text you 'Going down! Need Valkyrie ASAP!' followed by a bunch of sad-face emojis?

She had the blood of the sun running through her veins and the dust of stars at her fingertips. Her every breath birthed new cosmos and her thoughts were the super moon of the darkest night. Every word was a supernova and every step an inescapable singularity. Her touch though...it was soft.

If I was on the road to Hell, at least I was going in style.

I think the very word stalking implies that you're not supposed to like it. Otherwise, it would be called 'fluffy harmless observation time'.

It seemed weird calling a teenager 'sir' but I'd learned to be careful with immortals. They tended to get offended easily. Then, they blew stuff up.

Many a death was precipitated by the food, the job, or the medication whose main function was to postpone it.

Dear Lord please show me what really matters so that I may be able to determine what is distraction and God's direction in my life.

She frowned at me. "You need some rest. You look like hell. And you're obviously tired enough to have gotten the giggles."Wizards don't giggle," I said, hardly able to speak. "This is cackling.

My daughter asked if the boogie man was scary. I said, "Not as scary as the boogie woman.

It was all fine until the girls started drinking. (Everything is always fine up until that point.)

I must do whatever I can to find the best partners possible." "Did you kick their butts?" He frowned. "The buttocks are among the least sensitive places to hit someone." I laughed. "It's a figure of speech." "To kick butts. Interesting.

Traditionally, true contemplation involves an act of devotion, wherein self-consciousness is removed by transferring consciousness onto the thing at hand. The better you perceive it, the less you observe yourself doing that. In other words, you could say that, at least for the extended moments of engaging it, you love it more than yourself.

It is not enough to be a man.

I think you better hurry along with that French toast making, Stud. You know—before my fetus eats your face.”“It would be equally as delicious.

Tyrena did not laugh again but her smile slashed upward in a twist of green lips. “Martin, Martin, Martin,” she said, “the population of literate people has been declining steadily since Gutenberg’s day. By the twentieth century, less than two percent of the people in the so-called industrialized democracies read even one book a year. And that was before the smart machines, dataspheres, and user-friendly environments.

What the hell was going on, why did I care, and why, oh why, did I not carry a pocket rocket in my purse? My girlie bits were still on fire, screaming for release after Mr. Sex God’s orgasmic touch.

The carriage could only clop along at about ten miles per hour, which only accentuated Imogene’s excitement. She urged it onward: "Fly, horse, fly!

What happened when the Verb asked the noun to conjugate? She said "no-no!", forgot the "o" and decided to become a nun!

I love our judicial system It's where Trump's fanciful delusions go to die.

Should I pull on a shirt?" he asked with hint of amusement. I WILL NOT BLUSH. "No." He'd be doing the world a favor if he never wore a shirt again, but I wasn't going to tell him that part. "You're fine.

Huxley: "Tell me something Bryce, do you know the difference between a Jersey, a Guernsey, a Holstein, and an Ayershire?"Bryce: "No."Huxley: "Seabags Brown does."Bryce: "I don't see what that has to do..."Huxley: "What do you know about Gaelic history?"Bryce: "Not much."Huxley: "Then why don't you sit down one day with Gunner McQuade. He is an expert. Speaks the language, too."Bryce: "I don't..."Huxley: " What do you know about astronomy?"Bryce: "A little."Huxley: "Discuss it with Wellman, he held a fellowship." Bryce: "This is most puzzling."Huxley: "What about Homer, ever read Homer?"Bryce: "Of course I've read Homer."Huxley: "In the original Greek?"Bryce: "No"Huxley: "Then chat with Pfc. Hodgkiss. Loves to read the ancient Greek."Bryce: "Would you kindly get to the point?"Huxley: "The point is this, Bryce. What makes you think you are so goddam superior? Who gave you the bright idea that you had a corner on the world's knowledge? There are privates in this battalion who can piss more brains down a slit trench then you'll ever have. You're the most pretentious, egotistical individual I've ever encountered. Your superiority complex reeks. I've seen the way you treat men, like a big strutting peacock. Why, you've had them do everything but wipe your ass.

When I get sad, I stop being sad and be awesome instead.

There are essentially three types of people: those who love life more than they fear it, those who fear life more than they love it, and those who have no clue what I'm talking about.

His eyes are covered by impermeable marble, a solidity that can never be breached. You think there is gold and warmth behind the facade of cold, but if only you could see your reflection in the marble. You would see how you burn, how brightly you glow, enough to incinerate anyone else whole.

Learn from yesterday, live for today, look to tomorrow, rest this afternoon.

To label someone as selfless is symptomatic of having bought the preposterous claim that a human being can have great concern for other human beings and little concern for themselves, or that, when taken to extremes, a human being can have great concern for other human beings and absolutely no concern for themselves.

Will put his hand on Nico's shoulder. "Nico, we need o have another talk about your people skills.""Hey, I'm just stating the obvious. If this is Apollo, and he dies, we're all in trouble."Will turned to me. "I apologize for my boyfriend."Nico rolled his eyes. "Could you not―""Would you prefer special guy?" Will asked. "Or significant other?""Significant annoyance, in your case," Nico grumbled

Fafhrd stopped, again wiped right hand on robe, and held it out. "Name's Fafhrd. Ef ay ef aitch ar dee."Again the Mouser shook it. "Gray Mouser," he said a touch defiantly, as if challenging anyone to laugh at the sobriquet. "Excuse me, but how exactly do you pronounce that? Faf-hrud?""Just Faf-erd.

Why do people say "grow some balls"? Balls are weak and sensitive. If you wanna be tough, grow a vagina. Those things can take a pounding.

Drinking is fun! It makes me feel horrible and sexy!

We're all guilty of saying insincere things at one point or another, if only just to make the moment not totally suck as much as it truly does.

It is. I’m your boyfriend now, whichmeans there’s no room for your hipster admirer. He’ll just have to lick his wounds while we lick other things.

What if it tempt you toward the flood, my lord?Or to the dreadful summit of the cliffThat beetles o'er his base into the sea,And there assume some other horrible formWhich might deprive your sovereignty of reasonAnd draw you into madness? Think of it.[The very place puts toys of desperation,Without more motive, into every brainThat looks so many fathoms to the seaAnd hears it roar beneath.]

There was a party of well-dressed people with Gilt, and as they progressed accoss the room the whole place began to revolve around the big man, gold being very dense and having a gravity all of its own.

Failure is something you experience on your way to success - unless you're a skydiver.