Humor Quotes - Page 44

Crazy is relative.

You leave me tied up like a dog? Then you had better remember that this bitch bites!

Be careful the mistake of yesterday always lives with tomorrow.

...And so we go and I meet his parents. And it's a very strange thing meeting your girlfriend's boyfriend's parents for the first time. Part of you is angry for obvious reasons and part of you still wants to make a good impression. On a side note, they seemed in perfect health.

When I dreamed about becoming a fantasy adventurer, I was always a max-level character with epic gear. Look at me. I’m wearing vendor trash.

If there's a place for me in Hell I hope it's next to someone like you

Women have problem areas in a way that men don't. We have big hips and muffin tops. Men just have the thing where they create wars and wreak havoc all over the globe.

Yes, contractions can be intense,' Noura continues. 'But your bodies are designed to handle it. And what you must remember is, it's a positive pain. I'm sure you'll both agree?' She looks over at Mum and Janice.POSITIVE?' Janice looks up, horrified. 'Ooh, no, dear. Mine was agony. 24 hours in the cruel summer heat. I wouldn't wish it on any of you poor girls.'But there are natural methods you can use,' Noura puts in quickly. 'I'm sure you found that rocking and changing position helped with the contractions.I wouldn't have said so,' Mum says kindly.Or a warm bath?' Noura suggets, smile tightening.A bath? Dear, when you're gripped by agony and wanting to die, a bath doesn't really help!'As I glance around the room I can see that all the girls' faces have frozen. Most of the mens' too.

If you didn't have me to rake you over the coals now and then, there wouldn't be any fire in your life at all.

It's early on a beautiful winter morning. The house is quiet. The sun is shining. I'm thankful. I'm happy. My cup runneth over. Now there's coffee everywhere.

I don't know it is that I always feel that other people can create things but that I can't. I imagine it's simpler living in remote tribes or communities where one is obliged to have a go or else you have to do without. I suppose it is fear of failure in an age where political correctness is trying to erase the word 'failure' from the language. It's OK to fail isn't it, but only if you've tried? What is so bizarre is that when one does try, one rarely falls short. Obviously some people do things better than others but if it gives you pleasure, then so what? As my grandmother used to say, 'patience and perseverance made a bishop of his reverence!' So don't say you can't make candles or soap or that you can't spin or weave until you've tried it. As for mending, well, if you're not throwing everything away, then you have no option but to make do and mend. After all, the only way to get rid of shopping malls and supermarkets with their food miles is for people not to shop in those places and the way to cure this mercenary mercantile world is to make your own things.

Awww," Minho said. "That's almost as sweet as that time she slammed the end of a spear into your shuck face.

If you love something set it free, but don't be surprised if it comes back with herpes.

Humor is mankind's greatest blessing.

Evelyn was an insomniac so when they say she died in her sleep, you have to question that.

The best conversation I had was over forty million years ago,' continued Marvin.

Writer's block' is just a fancy way of saying 'I don't feel like doing any work today.

What are you doing?” I asked. “Are we getting all Fifty Shades up in here?” He shushed me. “Nothing that dangerous. You won’t need a safe word.

Elaine: Ugh, I hate people.Jerry: Yeah, they're the worst.

Nonsense! I have merely come to terms with the fact that I am perfect, and I have decided life must go on, and I must learn to live with myself...

The hamster-powered hat is the same as any other hat. It keeps your head warm and looks smart,” the inventor said. “The hamster generates heat by running on the wheel. If you get a big enough hamster, it will keep your whole face warm.

Gruff,” I said, “I find myself largely clueless about why mortal women do what they do. It will take a wiser man than me to understand what’s in a fae woman’s mind.

You’ve jerked my heart more than your dick.

Luck is a woman. She's drawn to those that least deserve her.

I had no vote in the making of such a law, and I have no intention of abiding by it, either.

None could guess my confusion, my host of deluded illusions and elusive delusions! A mantle of marble hiding a crumbling core of sandstone. See how they stare at me, wondering, all wondering, at my secret wellspring of wisdom...' Let's kill him,' Crokus muttered, 'if only to put him out of our misery.

When I envied a man's spurs then they were indeed worth coveting.

A beautiful face like yours should be smiling. Why don't you smile?""I do smile. When something beautiful happens in a book, I can't help but smile.

There's and entire world outside these bleak pages, one full of SUNRISES and KITTY-CATS and late-night BURRITO RUNS and the horrible, creaking amble of us all towards DEATH. It is to that world that I am afraid I must release you to now.

Let me ask you a question Alex. What do you think is the greatest evil on this plant today?""Is that including, or not including you?

Your Maker has rescued you from the darkest corner of your own heart... What he asks in return is obedience. And the courage to do what is necessary.

It's lovely. If only you could frost someone to death.""Don't be so superior. You can never tell what you will find in the arena. Say it's a gigantic cake-

Do not put statements in the negative form.And don't start sentences with a conjunction.If you reread your work, you will find on rereading that agreat deal of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing.Never use a long word when a diminutive one will do.Unqualified superlatives are the worst of all.De-accession euphemisms.If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is.Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky.Last, but not least, avoid cliches like the plague.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

This squirrel is inadequately afraid of humans! Squirrel, I am a threat to you! We are enemies! Please get off my bench! Oh, god! Oh, god! Don't touch me—oh, god!

Sooner or later everyone behaves badly. Some of us are just better at it than others.

Anyway, it’s unthinkable! Dragons and knights are born enemies. They need to be enemies just like dogs hate cats, cats hate mice and mice hate scientists. Without somebody to hate where would all the hate go? The hate would just boil up inside you, eat away and cause you to have indigestion then a heart attack. We need to release the anger, and we release it on dragons who release it back on us. We slay them and they roast us. It is the natural order of things, Emma.

Can you surf really well, then?"I looked at Grover, who was trying hard not to laugh."Jeez, Nico," I said. "I've never really tried."He went on asking questions. Did I fight a lot with Thalia, since she was a daughter of Zeus? (I didn't answer that one.) If Annabeth's mother was Athena, the goddess of wisdom, then why didn't Annabeth know better than to fall off a cliff? (I tried not to strangle Nico for asking that one.) Was Annabeth my girlfriend? (At this point, I was ready to stick the kid in a meat-flavored sack and throw him to the wolves.)

Sex drives the world and sex in on every human mind, be it a prophet or be it a saint, history has full of evidences.

Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on theroad an hour.

Thirty--the promise of a decade of loneliness, a thinning list of single men to know, a thinning brief-case of enthusiasm, thinning hair.

Yes, the long war on Christianity. I pray that one day we may live in an America where Christians can worship freely! In broad daylight! Openly wearing the symbols of their religion... perhaps around their necks? And maybe -- dare I dream it? -- maybe one day there can be an openly Christian President. Or, perhaps, 43 of them. Consecutively.

People don’t just appear on the beach unless they’re demigods or gods or really, really lost pizza delivery guys. (It’s happened—but that’s another story.)

The dining hall in our section of campus was like something out of an Ayn Rand novel: big, utilitarian, and impersonal.

Nick got home the first week in December, to find New York still wallowing in its post-Armistice euphoria. Service men were celebrities wherever they went, and nothing was too good for them-especially the ones who were wounded-until it came down to such practical matters as finding housing or a job...It too him awhile to come to the conclusion that all the talk about help for veterans was just that, and anything that was done for him would have to be done by himself.

One of the most amazing things that we often forget is this: God never forgets us! Face it; you could hide under a rock, BUT, God will still be beside you saying, "Rock bottom, already?

I like to search for class struggle in strange domains. For example it is clear that in classical Hollywood, the couple of vampires and zombies designates class struggle. Vampires are rich, they live among us. Zombies are the poor, living dead, ugly, stupid, attacking from outside. And it's the same with cats and dogs. Cats are lazy, evil, exploitative, dogs are faithful, they work hard, so if I were to be in government, I would tax having a cat, tax it really heavy.

The manlier you are, the harder it is to understand what a woman wants: there is not a hint of female brain in you.

The moment was surreal. A sometimes-autistic young man with two identities lecturing a room full of zombies on feelings and realities.

Are you an idiot, or an idiot?' Gargarin hissed.'The first one. I really resent being called the second.

Welcome to Hell. Here's your accordion.

There's always someone we'd love to kill, the trick is to make it not look like an accident

If looks could kill...well, Dick was already dead, so nothing would happen. But Gabriel was not laughing."See Dick," Dick said, pointing at his chest. He then swept his hand dangerously close to mind. "Jane. Dick and Jane. Come on, you humorless jackass. That's funny.

Let’s just say, there’s not much of a moon out tonight,” Nose continued anyway, “but if Yale joined us, there would be.

Half is better than none unless it be of a wit.

I don't know whether to toss you through that window or shake your hand and say 'Well done'" Henry said in a tired voice.

How did you-"Fool your guards? They're not very good, the forgot to check the ceiling for spiders."Valek grinned. His angular face softened.

Do little pink fairies sing and dance in your world, Peabody?""Sometimes, when it's very quiet and no one else can see.

Did he just rip out the engine?" I asked."Yes", Saiman said. "And now he is demolishing the Maserati with it."Ten seconds later Curran hurled the twisted wreck of black and orange that used to be the Maserati into the wall.The first melodic notes of an old song came from the computer. I glanced at Saiman.He shrugged. "It begged for a soundtrack.

You're only a man! You've not our gifts! I can tell you! Why, a woman can think of a hundred different things at once, all them contradictory!