Humor Quotes - Page 35

Some legends say that Hera's breast milk sprayed across the sky and created the Milky Way. I don't know. That seems like a whole lot of solar systems from just one squirt

One man's deviance is other man's lunch break.

Really, there was only one problem with Mr. Davis, as far as Gregory was concerned; He taught math.

Call me sentimental, but there's no-one in the world that I'd like to see get dysentery more than you

I do not do free e-books. I occasionally like to eat that thing you people call "food".

From the people who brought you "zero tolerance," I present the Gun-Free Zone! Yippee! Problem solved! Bam! Bam! Everybody down! Hey, how did that deranged loner get a gun into this Gun-Free Zone?

After I returned to New Jersey, I thought I was safe, because I did not think Kenny G could leave the bad place, which I realize is silly now - because Kenny G is extremely talented and resourceful and a powerful force to be reckoned with.

[Phoebe Broome] 'Well,' she said at last. 'You've now met my father. At his worst.'[Lord Vladimir] 'Being myself widely considered my family's most difficult member, I would not presume to comment.''That is... gentlemanly of you.

So what did you do, drug me, stuff me in the trunk, then dump me like a sacrificial offering into that vampire’s coffin? - Shella

Never run after a man or a bus, there's always another one in five minutes.

Here's to another year and let's hope it's above ground.

He looked at the beautiful woman frowning up at him and his cock did nothing. His eyes shot back to Zoe and damn if his cock didn't twitch happily. Trevor swallowed hard as realization hit.There was something wrong with his dick.

We are racing down Main Street. Arthur is right on the tail of a blck sedan with tinted windows that won't pull over. He slams the horn."Arthur," I say.The car doesn't yield."Arthur," I say.He hits the horn again, still close on the car's bummper."Arthur, our turn was back there.

I hope you're pleased with yourselves. We could all have been killed - or worse, expelled. Now if you don't mind, I'm going to bed.

Husbands are chiefly good as lovers when they are betraying their wives.

I had a dream about you last night. It wasn't until after you sold me the talking car, I realized you were the world’s best ventriloquist.

Tough time don't lasts-Tough People DO

Kelley. Your name is Kelley, isn't it?" He didn't wait for her confirmation. "Yes. Well. Tell me...that bit just now...was that from Dante's Inferno?"Uh...no," Kelley stammered. Her face felt hot.Really?"I'm in for it.Are you sure?" he continued. "Because it most certainly wasn't from this play. And it bloody well sounded like hell.

Wrath: look at how their folklore portrays our species. There's Dracula for Christ's sake, an evil bloodsucker who preys on the defenseless. There's piss-poor B movies and porn. And don't get me started on the whole Halloween thing. Plastic fangs. Black capes. The only thing the idiots got right are that we drink blood and that we can't go out in daylight. The rest is bullshit, fabricated to alienate us and stimulate fear in the masses. Or just as offensive, the fiction used to create some kind of mystique for bored humans who think the dark side is a fun place to visit.

The wealthiest Person on earth is one who is free from the love of Money

I'm in a squad where I'd rather shoot the C.O than the enemy.- Cooper HawkesKnock it off. -T,C. McQueenYou know what I'm saying, Sir. I mean I never felt like shooting you. -Cooper HawkesStop it, Hawkes. You're making me all misty.-- T.C. McQueen

Well sure, who doesn't need a boyfriend? but realistically, those exotic creatures are hard to come by. At least a quality one.

The smoke stung at the corners of Uri’s eyes as he struggled to open them. He could hear the battle sounds all around him and smell the iron from the blood drenched warfare in the air. Much to his surprise, death had not yet claimed him. He could feel Raimie’s body under his own, no warmth came from him, however, and Uri feared the worse. Over his shoulder, he heard a large blast and the earth shook under him.The trackers had obviously followed someone through. There were hundreds of designated transportation locations as part of the evacuation drill. Absolutely nobody was allowed to transport directly to a primary facility for this exact reason. If a tracker were to follow your transportation signature to the next facility, the Guardians could be nearly wiped out in one night. The secrecy of the facilities and cloaking spells were key in their safety.Uri knew if he or Raimie had any chance of surviving, he needed to get clear of the fighting and find a healer. Attempting to sit up, he braced his weight on the earth just beside Raimie’s head. He quickly reconsidered as the unbearable pain shot through his side. Running his hand down to the source, he could feel the shaft of an arrow jutting out from his side; a warm wetness covered his fingertips.In the distance, Uri could hear someone crying out in agony, not a voice he recognized, yet the pain in it seemed all too familiar. Another blast rang out from behind him as Uri slumped to the ground, groaning in pain.

Puppies are cute. I'm fierce!""Yeah!" Evelyn snorted. "Romas says you're as fierce as a kitten.""A kitten?" Kiera's tone grew more hurt. "I'm not afraid of him, just because he's twelve feet tall and can bench press me with his toes. It's not nice of him to say that

Conscience is what makes a boy tell his mother before his sister does.

Margaret Atwood, the Canadian novelist, once asked a group of women at a university why they felt threatened by men. The women said they were afraid of being beaten, raped, or killed by men. She then asked a group of men why they felt threatened by women. They said they were afraid women would laugh at them.

We made it back to the airport without getting mugged, stoned, shot at, pounced on, bombed, shelled, garroted, gassed, pitched into, caught in a cross fire, sniped at, blockaded, napalmed, or trip-wired. No one even hit us with a water balloon.

Is she worth it though?" he asked and she shrugged."That's up to you to decide. Either way, I support you, love you, and will stand beside you," she whispered against his lips. "And when you're ready, I'll Spartan kick her in the face.

Rosie get off your desk, and please put your beard away.

Just don't take any class where you have to read BEOWULF.

I mean that it's all right to go to bed with an asshole but don't ever have a baby with one.

...but I’d learned a long time ago that the worse things are, the more people lie about them.

Life is worth living as long as there's a laugh in it.

I am often thought of as being remarkably bright, and yet my brains, more often than not, are busily devising new and interesting ways of bringing my enemies to sudden, gagging, writhing, agonizing death.

Sasha snorted. "I have never in my extremely long life seen anyone take so long to answer a question. It's like you went into your brain and got lost. you need a bread crumb, buddy?" He made a noise like he was calling his pet. "Here Lassie, here. Come back girl.

If I’m going down, I’m going down with lipstick on.” ~Maggie Mae Castro

Puns are the highest form of literature.

Looking but not seeing is the hearing but not understanding of the eye.

So if animals aren't our friends, then what are they? The answer can be summed up between two buns.

Thine own things, and such as are grown up with thee, canst thou not know; How should thy vessel then be able to comprehend the way of the Highest, and, the world being now outwardly corrupted to understand the corruption that is evident in my sight?

Familiarity breeds contempt and children.

Forgive, O Lord, my little jokes on TheeAnd I'll forgive Thy great big one on me.

Some women barter their bodies like whores with wedding bands. Some use sex like a sword. But some women can touch a man and heal like Jesus.

In a fair fight, the don's man would almost certainly paint the walls with Locke and Calo's blood, so it stood to reason that this fight would have to be as unfair as possible.

Every fairy tale, it seems, concludes with the bland phrase "happily ever after." Yet every couple I have ever known would agree that nothing about marriage is forever happy. There are moments of bliss, to be sure, and lengthy spans of satisfied companionship. Yet these come at no small effort, and the girl who reads such fiction dreaming her troubles will end ere she departs the altar is well advised to seek at once a rational women to set her straight.

Like all the other arrivals to the tournament, Hank had erected a banner in front. It was a long, tapering pennant with a blue and red circular design in the center and the words GO CUBS! on both sides. Interesting," said Hugo. "What does it mean?"It was a gift from Sam," Hank explained as they entered the tent. "He said it used to represent Triumph over Adversity, but now better represents Impossible Quests and Lost Causes."I think I preferred not knowing that," said Hugo.Hank grinned. "You're a Sox fan too, hey?

The ocean swells around us. Sometimes, we are in a bowl of water and sometimes on the top of the lip. The horizon curves.We are sitting on top of the world.In theory, anyone is on the top of their world at every moment, given that the Earth is truly round. But, it’s hard to see that in a subway under New York City and completely obvious out here.

That’s rich, coming from you, Hellcat, I would’ve thought it was impossible for a Vampire to get grey hairs until I met you! (Alexander)

I had a dream about you last night.. You were in the amazon rain forest yipping like a dog.

Romantic literature is in effect imaginative lying.

Let me tell you: the only way to get rid of dragons is to have one of your own.

I see the world, it makes me puke,But then I look at you and know,that somewhere there's a someone who can soothe me.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

When we played softball, I'd steal second base, feel guilty and go back.

Fifteen minutes later, Betsy came thundering down the stairs. "I'm going to the mall with Sierra to see a movie."Michael leaned forward, switched off the television. "Can you please rephrase that in the form of a question?""Sure. Can I have some money?

I recommend you don't attend the wheat and chaff bonfire.

Th' first thing to have in a libry is a shelf.Fr'm time to time this can be decorated with lithrachure.But th' shelf is th' main thing.

The right place; that was what he was looking for. The right place. Place was all important, place meant everything. Take this rock…"Take you, rock," he said. He squinted at it.Ah yes, here we have the nasty big flat rock, sitting doing nothing, just amoral and dull, and it sits like an island in the polluted pool. The pool is a tiny lake on the little island, and the island is in a drowned crater. The crater is a volcanic crater, the volcano forms part of an island in a big inland sea. The inland sea is like a giant lake on a continent and the continent is like an island sitting in the seas of the planet. The planet is like an island on the sea of space within its system, and the system floats within the cluster, which is like an island in the sea of the galaxy, which is like an island in the archipelago of of its local group, which is an island within the universe; the universe is like an island floating in a sea of space in the Continua, and they float like islands in the Reality, and…But down through the Continua, the Universe, the Local Group, the Galaxy, the Cluster, the System, the Planet, the Continent, the Island, the Lake, the Island… the rock remained. AND THAT MEANT THE ROCK, THE CRAPPY AWFUL ROCK HERE WAS THE CENTER OF THE UNIVERSE, THE CONTINUA, THE WHOLE REALITY!

At least that left hope for him. Except "Beauty and the Geek" wasn’t exactly the proper translation of the popular fairy tale.

Step ahead immediately and do what you have to do before it's too late.