Humor Quotes - Page 218

I know nothing,” I say, cheerfully.“You never seem to. Have you ever wondered why that is?”“It’s very deliberate. I’ve found that knowledge is usually a burden. I prefer to be surprised and then eventually horrified.

His eyes are peculiar. There is nothing in them, like an eclair without the cream filling. It's wrong, lack of cream.

Never mind that. What's going on with you and Heath?"Annabelle pulled a little wide-eyed innocence out of her rusty bag of college acting skills."What do you mean? Business.""Don't give me that. We've been friends too long."She switched to a furrowed brow. "He's my most important client. You know how much this means to me."Molly wasn't buying it. "I've seen the way you look at him. Like he was a slot machine with triple sevens tattooed on his forehead. If you fall in love with him, I swear I'll never speak toyou again." Annabelle nearly choked. She'd known Molly would be suspicious, but she hadn't expected an outright confrontation. "Are you nuts? Setting aside the fact that he treats me like a flunky, I'd never fall for a workaholic after what I've had to go through with my family." Falling in lust, however, was an entirely different matter."He has a calculator for a heart," Molly said. "I thought you liked him.

And what about us? Do you want a vampire boyfriend?" He laughed bitterly. "Because I forsee many romantic picnics in our future. You, drinking a virgin piña colada. Me, drinking the blood of a virgin.

It wasn’t the first time he’d run for his life. And it most likely wouldnot be the last. In the past few decades, though, he’d mostly run fromangry fathers who’d found him where they felt he should not be. Or he’drun from town guards—sent by angry fathers who’d found him where theyfelt he should not be.

It was an odd situation. For a century and a half, men got rid of their own hair, which was perfectly comfortable, and instead covered their heads with something foreign and uncomfortable. Very often it was actually their own hair made into a wig. People who couldn't afford wigs tried to make their hair look like a wig.

Two things I learned a long time ago, Cate: Don't hold a grudge longer than it takes to work your way through a pan of brownies all by yourself, and don't begrudge someone an apology if they deserve it.

Two languages in one brain? No one can live at that speed!

If we get a 3D printer at the office, the first thing I’m printing with it is a new 3D printer just for me!

We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is in it and stop there lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot stove lid. She will never sit down on a hot stove lid again and that is well but also she will never sit down on a cold one anymore.

Once again, we come to the holiday season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.

A pessimist is a man who thinks everybody is as nasty as himself, and hates them for it.

There's nothing sillier in the world than a teacher telling you don't do it after you already did it.

Oh, dear God and baby Jesus in the manger, my eyes!” Dee shrieked. “My eyes!

[The materialist] thinks me a slave because I am not allowed to believe in determinism. I think [the materialist] a slave because he is not allowed to believe in fairies.

It's like a jolt of electric, but worse.

In other words, he looked like uniformed police hotness, and she wasn’t entirely uninterested in being cuffed. Wait. That’s a bad thought. I don’t mean it. She took him in again, her throat suddenly dry. Well, she didn’t exactly not mean it, but she knew better than to want it.

The Captain was wearing his best blousey shirt, his beard was gleaming in the early morning light and he’d polished all his gold teeth. As he strode manfully towards the shore, the only thing that could have make him look even more heroic that he already did would have been the theme to Flash Gordon playing in the background, but it was a hundred and seventy years too early for that.

Two wrongs don't make a right, but they make a good excuse.

Relationship (definition): Liaison usually involving two people and their dirty dishes.

It was an ancient policy with her to be on good terms with anything that outweighed her and had so many teeth, so she broke the bacon in two and gave him the smaller piece. He was a dog. He would not realize he had been slighted.

It is right that one must come so far to see the world as it is meant to be.

Woven words are little conviction when I present myself as a man of fiction. And you a woman of lies and deceit, stumbling forward on two left feet. You are an exquisite figurine of an incomprehensible place, While I, a soldier of my cause, my race. A single sip of you would satiate thirst, hunger and empty. Yet, you stand unmoved, comfortable knowing you could stave desires plenty. To my heart, you are known as 'shatter.' Between saint and sin, you are the latter. End, not even my finest words will matter. The still, the silence, even then, you are famine to my soul. My chest lacks certain weight now; I simply wish to be whole. Now, I stand before you broken, humbled and so bare, Only to see your infinite eyes brimming with no care. Your heart is a cauldron that burns darkest fuel. And I a remnant of smog, the overly-bitter fool. The man of fiction stumbles forward on two left feet, The woman of lies weaves words of conviction and deceit.

Maybe he thinks he can rescue me? No one is that stupid.

The more thou search, the more thou shall marvel.

I like visiting people in prison. I can say whatever I want to them, and they can’t do anything about it.

Or -- and this she knew was a far more accurate way of looking at it -- the book was true and reality was lying.

Firen didn’t waste any time setting up the meeting with Egnatious. The following day she was in such a rush to tell me about it that she burst into my room without knocking and found Andrew and me in an intimate and compromising position reminiscent of the game Twister. Also, I cannot confirm or deny if there was food involved. Let’s just say I toppled over in embarrassment, taking Andrew down with me in a great heap. Firen didn’t fare any better, as she nearly knocked herself out when she ran into the doorframe in an attempt to escape. We were both scarred for life, especially after Firen apologized for walking in on our “naked fun time,” which was apparently what Joseph called it. There were some things people should never know, and that was one of them.

Sebastian,” Katarina said, turning to her nephew. “You’ve grown.” “It happens,” Sebastian quipped, flashing her his usual lopsided grin.“Goodness,” she said with smile, “you’ll be a danger to the ladies soon.”Harry very nearly rolled his eyes. Sebastian had already made conquests of nearly all the girls in the village near Hesslewhite. He must give off some sort of scent, because the females positively fell at his feet.It would have been appalling, except that the girls couldn’t all dance with Sebastian. And Harry was more than happy to be the nearest man standing when the smoke cleared.

Hello Dad! It is now three in the morning. Do you know where I am?

Wanted: Steel toed Bible thumpers to reach a monster truck mad world.

I can last two months on a good compliment.

It is hard to convince people of this, but oatmeal truly is miraculous. It gives you an amazing amount of energy, like cocaine.

A death in reverse is the rewinding of life. I do not die of old age, in a bed surrounded by strangers my loved ones paid to take care of me. I die in reverse. I die falling backinto a younger age. From my forty-five years to twenty-five. To sixteen. When we were in love. To fourteen: when we first met. To five. To one. To the hospital my mother died at from the complications of my existence. A life for a life.

Why on earth would you buy a car like this if you can't drive a stick? There are dozens of cars--new cars--that have automatic transmission. It'd be a million times easier." Adrian shrugged. "I like the color. It matches my living room.

An elite confederacy of nerds. My peeps

When it comes to their love lives, some people do not really have high standards; they merely have low sex drive.

If I say you're a goatherd's son, you say, 'Yes, Lord Ralon.'"Alanna gasped with fury. "I'd as soon kiss a pig! Is that what you've been doing-kissing pigs? Or being kissed?

Hope can be foolish or misguided, but there was no such thing as false hope. Hope was always true even when there was no evidence to support its claim.” - Liam

Don't go a-hunting for a moose where there ain't no moose to hunt.

Lady, I was gonna cut you some slack, 'cause you're a major mythological figure...but now you've just gone nuts!

A prig is a fellow who is always making you a present of his opinions.

Men don't ask other men if they're getting home OK, they just assume that beneath the frail, weak exterior lurks a muscle-building kung fu master fearless of ever being mugged.

Son-- "We don't need ladders, we have obsidian, bro."Mommy's thoughts-- "............................... .......fucking minecraft

He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebearers, but by diligent hard work, he overcame them.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.

These books can't possibly compete with centuries of established history, especially when that history is endorsed by the ultimate bestseller of all time." Faukman's eyes went wide. "Don't tell me Harry Potter is actually about the Holy Grail.""I was referring to the Bible."Faukman cringed. "I knew that.

If ever there was something she needed to stick around and fight for, Luc was that something.

Is this the girl?” Kieran’s voice was very different: It sounded like waves sliding up the shore. Like warm water under pale light. It was seductive, with an edge of cold. He looked at Emma as if she were a new kind of flower, one he wasn’t sure he liked. “She’s pretty,” he said. “I didn’t think she’d be pretty. You didn’t mention it.”Iarlath shrugged. “You’ve always been partial to blondes,” he said.“Okay, seriously?” Emma snapped her fingers. “I am right here. And I was not aware I was being invited to a game of ‘Who’s the Hottest?'"I wasn’t aware you were invited at all,” said Kieran. His speech had a casual edge, as if he was used to talking to humans.“Rude,” said Emma.

All I know is just what I read in the papers, and that's an alibi for my ignorance.

Now then," he mused, "how does one fly a dragon?

Don’t worry, I’m not quitting. I’ve decided I’m going to stay andmake his life a living hell while I run his business into the ground.--Kim to Abe

People often think I'm a faker, but I'm usually honest, in a certain way--in such a way that often nobody believes me!

Why do we have to humiliate someone to crack a joke??? Do what u would like people to do with u..

Never use naughtiness in mixed company, unless your witticism is so funny that your audience will shoot tears of happiness out of their eyes with a velocity sufficient to powerwash a small bus. Any joke that falls short of that standard will make you lose respect in the eyes of everyone except your best friends, who, as you know, lost respect for you long ago.

When I pass the bar, you'll be barred from bars but put behind them.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

Hey, yummy leather guy? Can you hear me? (Amanda)

What the hell is instant? Nothing is instant. Instant rice takes five minutes, instant pudding in an hour.

I used to give advice, and no one wanted it. Now I give suggestions and everyone asks for more.