Humor Quotes - Page 216

Anything not worth doing is worth not doing well. Think about it.

1. Reading becomes knowledge.2. Applying knowledge becomes experience.Most people have done 1 but they forget 2. These people blow too much without effective result.

Many a man was caused to perish by something that he and many men cherish.

I took a deep breath and sighed in awe. My proverbial penis had just gotten a serious chubby.

DI Cartwright: The cat is booby trapped? DI Quill: Welcome to my world.

And before you barrel through some idiotic Cosmo girl list of how-well-do-you-know-your-man questions, let me say that I don't know squat about him except that he kisses like a god and screws like a devil.

The scent of growth, quiet and green, hung heavy in the air. I heard everything. I saw everything. I could count the craters on the moon. I could count every mosquito buzz past, bypassing my tender skin out of respect for a fellow bloodsucker.

Kira: L, do you knowGods of deathlove apples?L: Damn you, Kira...

Whenever you are in transition it is always important to choose the words that you use. You call it crises in your life and I call it transition.

Wit ought to be a glorious treat, like caviar. Never spread it about like marmalade.

You should eat a waffle! You can't be sad if you eat a waffle!

We need to pull over now," she screeched as she gagged. "Paper is not supposed to be made out of poop.”"Did it taste like poop?" Hank inquired as he quickly pulled into a rest stop filled with church buses."Since I don't eat poop," Dima snapped, "I wouldn't know.""But you do eat people?""I do not eat people," she yelled."But your people eat people?" I prodded nicely."Occasionally," she hissed. "And your people sniff each other's asses when in animal form..."She had a point - and a foul one at that.

We live in a dimension where it is necessary to find a balance between wants and needs, or desires and yearning, or answers and questions. The totality of these makes up what we know as reality or truth, at least adolescent truth—facts. The fact of the matter is, you have to live in society one way or another, and there’s a reason for that, so the base of engagement begins with acceptance of the variables as they actually are.

So…just to be totally clear, you are a lesbian, right?” Lydia met Harper’s gaze. “I am, and I’m damn proud of it.” “That’s pretty cool.” “Glad you think so,” Lydia said with a smirk. “I’d hate to get another detention for painting you and this ugly-ass badger.

... had to pee like a racehorse at an Iced Tea convention.

Or you just not ask her.""You might as well slit my throat.

I know that big people don't like questions from children. They can ask all the questions they like, How's school? Are you a good boy? Did you say your prayers? but if you ask them did they say their prayers you might be hit on the head.

Puss hopped down from the couch and rummaged in Mark’s closet until he found a black leather belt. This he looped along his shoulder, around his waist, and then clasped together. “I’m off to make war, so that you may have love.

See, that’s the difference,” Mauvin said. “I suffer a loss and people console me. Royce suffers a loss and whole towns evacuate.

Everyone says it's wrong, 'drinking and driving', don't they. I can tell you two things that are far more dangerous than 'drinking and driving': 1. 'drinking'; 2. 'driving'.Do you know how many people were killed last year in Britain as a direct result of alcohol abuse?--thirty-five-thousand!Do you know how many people were killed as a direct result of driving a car?--twenty-two-thousand!Do you know how many people were killed as a direct result of drinking _and_ driving?--five-hundred! ::pauses::I'm not taking any fuckin' chances!::swigs his beer::

it can't be wrong, if it feels so wrong

What I'd like to read is a scientific review, by a scientific psychologist--if any exists--of 'A Scientific Man and the Bible'. By what route do otherwise sane men come to believe such palpable nonsense? How is it possible for a human brain to be divided into two insulated halves, one functioning normally, naturally and even brilliantly, and the other capable only of such ghastly balderdash which issues from the minds of Baptist evangelists? Such balderdash takes various forms, but it is at its worst when it is religious. Why should this be so? What is there in religion that completely flabbergasts the wits of those who believe in it? I see no logical necessity for that flabbergasting. Religion, after all, is nothing but an hypothesis framed to account for what is evidentially unaccounted for. In other fields such hypotheses are common, and yet they do no apparent damage to those who incline to them. But in the religious field they quickly rush the believer to the intellectual Bad Lands. He not only becomes anaesthetic to objective fact; he becomes a violent enemy of objective fact. It annoys and irritates him. He sweeps it away as something somehow evil...

Also, I am not sure what you are teaching in your classroom, but Seb came home the other week talking about a healthy eating pyramid. I had to explain to him that pyramids are made of stone and therefore not edible, so I would appreciate your not filling his head with these fanciful notions.

You better hope she doesn't say a word," Gabe warned, lifting a finger to Uri's nose.Uri grabbed the finger laughing, "What are you going to do, cupcake? Seduce me to death, in all your sexy glory?""Just shut up," Gabe groaned, pushing the door shut in his friend's face.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course

Slowly, Jimmy held up his outstretched hands. Men had been arguing for two hundred years about this gesture; would every creature, everywhere in the universe, interpret this as "See--no weapons"? But no one could think of anything better.

One day, I want enough money to be at the center of a corruption scandal.

Cats gravitate to kitchens like rocks gravitate to gravity.

From time to time, you may see a girl wearing her black opaque tights as pants. They are, in fact, not.

One of the Georges," said Psmith, "I forget which, once said that a certain number of hours' sleep a day--I cannot recall for the moment how many--made a man something, which for the time being has slipped my memory. However, there you are. I've given you the main idea of the thing; and a German doctor says that early rising causes insanity.

Did I hurt your feelings again? Sorry. When this is all over I'll send some flowers to your inner child.

Your friend's poetry is terrible," he said.Clary blinked, caught momentarily off guard. "What?""I said his poetry was terrible. It sounds like he ate a dictionary and started vomiting up words at random.

And here is the shocking plot twist: as farmers produced those extra calories, the food industry figured out how to get them into the bodies of people who didn't really want to eat 700 more calories a day.

You know, sarcasm is the lowest form of wit.''And yet it is still extremely funny.

Quotation, n: The act of repeating erroneously the words of another.

The selfish and self-centered have a hard time being kind, even though you and I know that kindness is a source of relief to the soul.

And she swung the old oar at him with all her strength.It hit with a great thwack, splintering in two, and he went over the side, into the dark, cold waters of the lake, sinking like a stone.It took her two seconds. And then she let out a scream for help, tossing the broken oar away from her, and jumped into the water after him.It was very cold, numbingly so, and as it closed over her head she grabbed forhim, wrapping her arms around his body, ready to sink to the bottom with him.Instead he kicked, pushing them up so that they broke the surface, his armclamped around hers as she struggled. "Jesus, woman!" he snapped. "When did we have to become Romeo and Juliet?

This was like being in one of those National Geographic magazines. We were among the natives now.

To function efficiently, any group of people or employees must have faith in their leader."- Capt. Bligh(ret.)

Ask Gandhi, and eye for an eye makes us both blind.....ask an engineer, and the numbers don't lie - the first to strike wins.

Who was the guy who first looked at a cow and said 'I think I’ll drink whatever comes out of these when I squeeze ’em?

I believe more in the scissors than I do in the pencil.

The problem with all politicians is that they are human.

He cracked his crooked smile that made all women swoon except the ones who wanted to slap him. Faye was a fence-sitter on the subject.

If Marilyn Monroe was alive right now, what would she be doing?'Clawing at the roof of her coffin.

I'll try to turn the other cheek....But I've only got two and they're both stinging.

The first domesticated animal was the scapegoat.

The dimple in his left cheek was ironic-it gave the impression that he was sweet as a cupcake. (Dark City Lights)

Well, more or less, you just got struck by lightning.""Wait, what?" My brain stopped processing for a prolonged moment unable to wrap around that one. How the hell had that happened? "So basically I was filled with 1.21 jiggawatts?Can I travel through time now?

The smell of burning firewood and the molding of organic, earthy substances reminded her of jumping wildly into the enormous leaf piles of autumns past and she suddenly wished that it was appropriate for someone her age to do such a thing.

Women talk when they want to. Or don't.

You can thank Henry Ford for that. He was a warlock, you know.

Men weigh love with hands.

I really should be studying now, but you're much more important to me than a .50 calibre machine gun.

That civet-jasmine blend you're wearing tonight absolutely clashes with the third-level formal style of your dress, you know.

Just about a month from now I'm set adrift, with a diploma for a sail and lots of nerve for oars.

They watched the rain and downed their Cokes like a pair of diabetics in a suicide pact.

She’s an absolute idiot!” she added with the wisdom invariably shown by people who, not being in love themselves, feel that a clever man should only be unhappy about a person who is worth his while; which is rather like being astonished that anyone should condescend to die of cholera at the bidding of so insignificant a creature as the comma bacillus.

I suppose I'll have to add the force of gravity to my list of enemies.

How ya doing?” Gabby’s face came into view, and she grinned down at me. She’d stopped doing her healing thing, and the pain rushed in.“I’m just peachy,” I quipped, throat scratchy. “Only hurts when I breathe or blink or exist, if I’m being honest.