Quotes.gd
  • Home
  • Authors
  • Topics
  • Quote of the Day
  • Home
  • Authors
  • Topics
  • Quote of the Day
  • Home
  • Authors
  • Topics
  • Quote of the Day
  • Top 100 Quotes
  • Professions
  • Nationalities

Humor Quotes - Page 21

    • Love Quotes
    • Life Quotes
    • Inspirational Quotes
    • Philosophy Quotes
    • Wisdom Quotes
    • God Quotes
    • Truth Quotes
    • Happiness Quotes
    • Hope Quotes
    • Success Quotes
  • Follow us on Facebook
  • Save us on Pinterest
  • Follow us on X
On Wall Street, the lawyers play the same role as medics in war: They come in after the shooting is over to clean up the mess.
Michael Lewis
On the stand, I asked the witness, “What's your occupation?”“Make-up artist.”“Objection!” I replied, “Lack of foundation.
Natalya Vorobyova
I don't like to overdose. Call me old-fashioned.
Chelsea Handler
Don't Panic.
Douglas Adams
The one I felt and still feel most is lack of time. I used to have time to think, to reflect, my mind and I. We would sit together of an evening and listen to the inner melodies of the spirit, which one hears only in leisure moments when the words ofsome loved poet touch a deep, sweet chord in the soul that until then had been silent. But in college there is no time to commune with one's thoughts. One goes to college to learn, it seems, not to think. When one enters the portals of learning, one leaves the dearest pleasures--solitude, books and imagination--outside with the whispering pines. I suppose I ought to find some comfort in the thought that I am laying up treasures for future enjoyment, but I am improvident enough to prefer present joy to hoarding riches against a rainy day.
Helen Keller
If a problem is clearly stated, it has no further interest to the physicist.
Peter Debye
Life is mean! Don't lose your humour jacket. You'll really need it.
Nike Thaddeus
Her sleep was enlivened by several dreams. One where Professor Wanstead's bushy eyebrows fell off because they were not his own eyebrows, but false ones. As she woke again, her first impression was that which often follows dreams, a belief that the dream in question had solved everything. 'Of course,' she thought, 'of course!' His eyebrows were false and that solved the whole thing. He was the criminal.
Agatha Christie
I disapprove of matrimony as a matter of principle.... Why should any independent, intelligent female choose to subject herself to the whims and tyrannies of a husband? I assure you, I have yet to meet a man as sensible as myself! (Amelia Peabody)
Elizabeth Peters
Kimaria smirked and placed her hands behind her back. “Come now. It doesn’t have to come to that. Violence is so beneath us.” “No, it isn’t,” said Helianthus at once.“Well . . . it is beneath me,” the high queen said and touched a hand to her chest. “Unlike you, I am civilized. I wear shoes and I have a last name.” They watched as she eased into a chair. She crossed one leg over the other, folded her arms, and regarded them calmly. “Aren’t you the least bit curious as to how I snatched the famed Nineveh Atvaris from our dark past? You can’t be that boring.
Ash Gray
As thou hast said unto thy servant, that thou, which gives life to all, hast given life at once to the creature that thou hast created, and the creature bare it: even so it might now also bear them that now be present at once.
Compton Gage
Anyway.I’m not allowed to watch TV, although I am allowed to rent documentaries that are approved for me, and I can read anything I want. My favorite book is A Brief History of Time, even though I haven’t actually finished it, because the math is incredibly hard and Mom isn’t good at helping me. One of my favorite parts is the beginning of the first chapter, where Stephen Hawking tells about a famous scientist who was giving a lecture about how the earth orbits the sun, and the sun orbits the solar system, and whatever. Then a woman in the back of the room raised her hand and said, “What you have told us is rubbish. The world is really a flat plate supported on the back of a giant tortoise.” So the scientist asked her what the tortoise was standing on. And she said, “But it’s turtles all the way down!”I love that story, because it shows how ignorant people can be. And also because I love tortoises.
Jonathan Safran Foer
[In the Universe it may be that] Primitive life is very common and intelligent life is fairly rare. Some would say it has yet to occur on Earth.
Stephen Hawking
From this moment on I'd dedicate my life to rock and roll and take as many drugs as possible. What could possibly go wrong?
Craig Ferguson
My girlfriend and I just had make-up sex. We both wore make-up.
Randy Kagan
Transform yourself from desperate doormat to outspoken doormat-wielding proctologist.
Marla Buchanan
Most human beings strongly believe that money is way less important than the life of a human being, but in reality five hundred, fifty, or even five dollars are way more important to the lives of most human beings than the lives of most human beings.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, "Why god? Why me?" and the thundering voice of God answered, There's just something about you that pisses me off.
Stephen King
No one can know your strength and weakness better than yourself.
Rahul Kumar Tilwani
New Rule: If you're one of the one-in-three married women who say your pet is a better listener than your husband, you talk too much. And I have some bad news for you: Your dog's not listening, either; he's waiting for food to fall out of your mouth.
Bill Maher
Recovery through sleep isn’t going to happen if the majority of the components of your being aren’t getting enough stimulation or resistance to work against. Your brain may be tired after work, but if your body and emotions haven’t been challenged through the day, they’re going to keep irritating you even if you’re asleep. They don’t need rest; they need work for real recovery to take place.
Darrell Calkins
Look on the bright side," said Simon, "If they need a human sacrifice, you can always offer me. I'm not sure the rest of you qualify anyway.
Cassandra Clare
What makes you think I’d know this woman?’ Hunter knew what he was trying to do. ‘Listen, P-Diddy . . .’ ‘D-King . . .’ ‘Whatever.
Chris Carter
Ben was in his truck, window down, idling at the curb, dark lenses hiding his eyes from her, looking effortlessly big and badass.The way she wished she felt.
Jill Shalvis
A classroom . People trying to stick me in classrooms was becoming as predictable and annoying as people trying to kill me, but with less-fun results.
James Patterson
This is my knife. It is very sharp and very eager to hurt you.
Lemony Snicket
You’re seeing someone else, aren’t you?" Seeing someone else? How on earth could that explain any of this? Why would seeing someone else necessitate bringing home a middle­-aged woman, a teenaged punk and an American with a leather jacket and a Rod Stewart haircut? What would the story have been? But then, after reflection, I realised that Penny had probably been here before, and therefore knew that infidelity can usually provide the answer to any domestic mystery. If I had walked in with Sheena Easton and Donald Rumsfeld, Penny would probably have scratched her head for a few seconds before saying exactly the same thing. In other circumstances, on other evenings, it would have been the right conclusion, too; I used to be pretty resourceful when I was being unfaithful to Cindy, even if I do say so myself. I once drove a new BMW into a wall, simply because I needed to explain a four­-hour delay in getting home from work. Cindy came out into the street to inspect the crumpled bonnet, looked at me, and said, “You’re seeing someone else, aren’t you?” I denied it, of course. But then, anything – smashing up a new car, persuading Donald Rumsfeld to come to an Islington flat in the early hours of New Year’s Day – is easier than actually telling the truth. That look you get, the look which lets you see right through the eyes and down into the place where she keeps all the hurt and the rage and the loathing... Who wouldn’t go that extra yard to avoid it?
Nick Hornby
Yes, and you did it spectacularly. They were the best non words ever not spoken.
Robert Thier
For a time Emerson politely endeavored to conceal his boredom - like most men, he is profoundly disinterested in all children except his own - ...
Elizabeth Peters
This is my favorite part of the hunting. Getting to know them . Hearing their legends. I want them to be as large in my mind as they can possibly be, and when I see them I don't want to be disappointed.
Kendare Blake
Besides, we were fifteen, and we couldn't get our feelings to match up with our brains. So we went with our feelings.
Karen Swallow Prior
At a time like this maybe the world is looking at us not just at a miracle crusade or sunday church service but the way we are living. Maybe they want to see whether what our Master left for us worked for us; there is a counter spirit to the spirit of fear, it is the love of God.
Patience Johnson
EARLY BIRDOh, if you’re a bird, be an early birdAnd catch the worm for your breakfast plate.If you’re a bird, be an early early bird--But if you’re a worm, sleep late.
Shel Silverstein
It’s not great when your husband thinks the only guy who can talk to you, is some other guy.
Jonas Eriksson
There was one floor that was all gynecologists. They could tell by the remnants of weird optical contraptions- all the convoluted tools men use when they're searching for the source of their anxieties.
Carl Watson
What’s your name?' she asked, and surprised herself. But for some reason, she wanted to know.Dean’s brother—he hadn’t been just some nameless Bad Guy Number Four. This vampire wasn’t, either. He had a name, a history, maybe even people who cared what happened to him.'My name is none of your business,' he said, and continued to stare out the window, even though there was nothing but blurry brick out there.'Can I call you None for short?
Rachel Caine
The second most dangerous thing about money is that it leaves most of the people who have a lot of it with the unshakable belief that they are intelligent and well informed. The most dangerous thing about it is that it leaves most of the people who do not have a lot of money with the very same belief.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Heaven has no taste.""Now-""And not one single sushi restaurant."A look of pain crossed the angel's suddenly very serious face.
Terry Pratchett
The Shrink always warned me that carriers stay wracked with lifelong guilt. It's not an uplifting thing having turned lovers into monsters. We feel bad that we haven't turned into monsters ourselves--survivor's guilt, that's called. And we feel a bit stupid that we didn't notice our own symptoms earlier. I mean, I'd been sort of wondering why the Atkins diet was giving me night vision. But that hadn't seemed like something to worry about...
Scott Westerfeld
Ouch! I feel bitch slapped-- Matt Carter
Natasha Larry
You can tell a lot about a country by its prisons. In hippy-dippy Socialist Sweden, rapists and murders (all three of them) while away their days making arts and crafts in what are essentially taxpayer-funded mental health clinics. The Swedes’ theory seems to be that a) anyone who commits such a crime must be crazy and b) with enough art therapy, the individual in question will soon become just another law-abiding, nude-sunbathing pot-smoker. In America, we think people in prison are either the victims of some terrible government conspiracy, the victims of “society”—whatever that means—or heinous evildoers. And if they are heinous enough, we fry them with electricity, unless of course they find Jesus first. The Swedes, in a nutshell, are tolerant and forgiving, verging on the naïve; Americans are religious and vengeful, suspicious of their government, and suckers for tear-jerking tales of redemption.
Maureen Klovers
What starts in the heart doesn't stay in the heart, it either turn into action or words.
Patience Johnson
Notice that your judgments of what exists are the same kind of judgments you make about how to live your life. There aren't two kinds of things we do: judge what exists and decide what we want to do about it. Fundamentally, there is one kind of thing we do: live our lives. And we can reflect on this activity more or less abstractly.
Eric Kaplan
She settled into a sitting position, wincing. "Oh, my poor rear end. I hope you appreciate what I went through to get here."Alain watched her anxiously. "You have hurt your...""My butt. Yeah." She returned his gaze, puzzled. "I'll survive. Why are you blushing?""Blushing?" His face felt warm. What did that mean?"Yes." Mari laughed. Does talking about my butt embarrass you? I'm sorry. It's nothing special.""I..." His face felt even warmer. "I think it is.""You do, huh? Where have you been all my life?"This time he gave her a mystified look. "I sent almost all of it inside a Mage Guild Hall. The one in Ihris. You know this."Mari laughed again.
Jack Campbell
He would have shaved the centaurs, dipped them in honey, covered them with feathers, and hung them up like a bunch of pinatas. I'm just saying." - Warren
Brandon Mull
Piper went a little crazy. She cried out with relief and dove straight into the water.What was she thinking? She didn't take a rope or a life vest or anything. But at the moment, she was just so happy that she paddled over to Leo and kissed him on the cheek, which kind of surprised him."Miss me?" Leo laughed.Piper was suddenly furious. "Where were you? How are you guys alive?" "Long story," he said. A picnic basket bobbed to the surface next to him. "Want a brownie?
Rick Riordan
Kloo nodded at Lex in an indescribably maternal way, somehow cramming a lifetime of compassion, support, and tenderness all into one slight bounce of the head.
Gina Damico
When speaking to an asshole, why expect anything but shit?
Donna Marie Timney
I guess 'joint' would imply two people had ownership, which, thanks Life, is simply no longer the case.
Ann Benjamin
How did you become blind, uh, Jeff is it?"Yeah, Jeff. Well, I looked directly at the sun, you know, the way they always tell you not to. If only I had listened.
James Patterson
Well, Diotallevi and I are planning a reform in higher education. A School of Comparative Irrelevance, where useless or impossibe courses are given. The school's aim is to turn out scholars capable of endlessly increasing the number of unnecessary subjects.
Umberto Eco
What the hell?” I muttered. Then I realized it was Jack Quinn’s car. Jack was a Hound and Bea’s boyfriend. The left blinker flashed on for just a second, and then Jack drove at speed again.“Zayvion, I’m sorry to tell you I think I have a crush on another man.”“Who is this unfortunate and soon-to-be-dead fool?” he asked.“Jack. That’s his car. He must have been waiting for us, or maybe he followed us.”“Jack Quinn has been following us?” Shame said.“And now he’s taking us to Collins, I think.”“Or a trap,” Shame said.“He’s a Hound, Shame.”“My statement stands.”“You still don’t get it, do you?” I turned left, following the car. “Hounds are loyal. Jack and Bea told me they’d help me if they could. They’re not going to turn against me while I’m in trouble.”“What happens when you’re not in trouble?” Shame asked.“Don’t know. It’s never happened.
Devon Monk
Why do you work so hard to make yourself disliked? I should think you'd find it happens enough on its own without putting yourself to any extra trouble.
Steven Brust
norris didn't cry, but he was apt to puke on them, the way he had puked on homer gamache that time he had found homer sprawled in a ditch out by homeland cemetary, beaten to death with his own artificial arm.
Stephen King
You are judged many times more by what you do in groups than for what you do as individuals.
Compton Gage
I don't get it. Basketball is so supremely boring. I can't understand the point of watching ten giants running from one end of the field--court--to the other throwing an orange ball through a hoop in the air. I guess it's better than golf, but so is watching paint dry.
Carter Quinn
At the dealership, I pulled out the sieve and toyed with it threateningly. When the salesman was ready for me, I held it up, told him I was not a tourist and demanded a large discount.
Tahir Shah
Did you get notes for me?""No", Ronan replied,"I thought you were dead in a ditch.
Maggie Stiefvater
The waiter approached.'Would you like to see the menu?' he said. 'Or would you like to meet the Dish of the Day?''Huh?' said Ford. 'Huh?' said Arthur.'Huh?' said Trillian.'That’s cool,' said Zaphod. 'We'll meet the meat.
Douglas Adams
I believe you to be Filidor Vesh," said the dwarf."You are entitled to your beliefs, however ill-founded," Filidor replied. "No doubt you will wish to search further for this Vesh, rather than impose your presence upon a man called hence by urgent affairs."The dwarf transferred his grip from Filidor's mantle to his arm. His gaze swept quickly over the young man's features. "This belief is supported by the evidence, since you answer to a point the description furnished me.""You are plainly the dupe of some prankster, who abuses the dignity of your years by sending you on a fool's errand," said Filidor. "Were I you, I would seek out the rascal and thrash him.
Matthew Hughes
PreviousPrevious Previous 1 … 19 20 21 22 23 … 222 Next NextNext

Related Topics

Limp
Quotes
Word Junkies
Quotes
Sensible
Quotes
Teen
Quotes
Peeled
Quotes
Beatrice Stark
Quotes
Paranormla
Quotes
Fonts
Quotes

Quotes.gd

  • About Us
  • Contact Us
  • Privacy Policy
  • Terms
  • DMCA

Site Links

  • Authors
  • Topics
  • Quote Of The Day
  • Top 100 Quotes
  • Professions
  • Nationalities

Authors in the News

  • LeBron James
  • Justin Bieber
  • Bob Marley
  • Ed Sheeran
  • Rohit Sharma
  • Mark Williams
  • Black Sabbath
  • Gisele Bundchen
  • Ozzy Osbourne
  • Rise Against
Quotes.gd
  • Follow us on Facebook Follow us on Facebook
  • Follow us on Instagram Follow us on Instagram
  • Save us on Pinterest Save us on Pinterest
  • Follow us on Youtube Follow us on Youtube
  • Follow us on X Follow us on X

@2024 Quotes.gd. All rights reserved