Humor Quotes - Page 201

If you ever need to confirm that a girl is worth coming back from Hell for, show her your monster arm and see what she says.

Normal" is just a setting on your dryer.

I can't go on, I'll go on.

I hate being a teenager.""Why?""Hormones." With a sad half smile, he left.

JAQUES: Rosalind is your love's name?ORLANDO: Yes, just.JAQUES: I do not like her name.ORLANDO: There was no thought of pleasing you when she was christened.

I walked back into the bedroom and, after all that, I actually was surprised. She lay on the bed, her hands nonchalantly behind her head, with the banana between her legs. Only half of it was alfresco. It was if we'd had sex and then, before heading for the bathroom, I'd bookmarked her vagina so as not to lose my place.

...whenever a woman describes a man as sweet, the dalliance is doomed.

Do not believe anything I tell you. Do not take my advice.

Personally, I think so-called "common language" is more interesting and apropos than "proper English"; it's passionate and powerful in ways that "wherefore art thou ass and thy elbow" just isn't.

I've had quite enough danger for a while I think. I might have some more when I'm thirteen, but definitely not before then...

I'll only go if there's cake.~Tobias "Four

Ah,” said Magnus. “Nerd love. It is a beautiful thing, while also being an object of mockery and hilarity for those of us who are more sophisticated.

The brains of members of the Press departments of motion-picture studios resemble soup at a cheap restaurant. It is wiser not to stir them.

His cell-phone rang. Dominic fumbled for it on the nightstand next to the couch, the dim lights not helping his endeavour. He had piercing, generic, banal fluorescent lights on his face all the time at work and at University, it was so bad it made him loathe even natural sunlight. Lucky this apartment’s living room light had a dimmer. He flipped open his phone and said hello. ‘Hey Dom, how you doin’?’ a voice boomed. It was Ben. They proceeded to talk about the upcoming exams, which were deceptively close as it was week 10 at the moment. Yes, they would be alright. Yes, they would meet up afterwards. No, he hadn’t studied more than Ben had. As he clapped the phone closed after the genial conversation reached its natural nadir, he had forgotten most of what had been said

Alice laughed. 'There's no use trying,' she said. 'One can't believe impossible things.'I daresay you haven't had much practice,' said the Queen. 'When I was your age, I always did it for half-an-hour a day. Why, sometimes I've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast. There goes the shawl again!

If you owe ten pounds to the Bank of England, you get thrown in jail, but if you owe a million pounds, they invite you to sit on the Board

Each year comes with its own memories! Memories that make us ponder! Memories that shake our nerves and thought to think about things we did, things we could have done, things we should have done, the right time and timing for the yes and no we could have say with courage or humility, the right time and timing of our steps and things we should have never done! When you remember the year, you remember something! Something good or something bad!

A lady's imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.

Nothing's really changed since then, except that now any children we have might be wizards themselves, and I'll be hopelessly outnumbered.

Fuck, Christina.”“Yes, fuck Christina. I think she'd like that.

Fine. Okay. I killed her. But I didn’t mean to. And I didn’t kill her, kill her.”“Oh, I see. As long as you didn’t kill her, kill her, then that’s okay.

Yeah. Floyd is his batman."His what?"Batman, like in the British army, each officer had a batman, a personal servant."You spend too much time reading, Spenser. You know more stuff that don't make you money than anybody I know.

I've never wished a man dead, but I have read some obituaries with great pleasure.

It is said that whomsoever the gods wish to destroy, they first make mad. In fact, whomsoever the gods wish to destroy, they first hand the equivalent of a stick with a fizzing fuse and Acme Dynamite Company written on the side. It's more interesting, and doesn't take so long.

There is no where that life problem can take you that God's presence cannot reach you. There is nothing that people can do to you that can keep God from getting to you.

You don't need everyone to like you, just the right one(s)!

A girl’s got to use what she’s given and I’m not going to make a guy drool the way a Britney video does. So I take it to extremes. I don’t say I dress sexily on stage - what I do is so extreme. It’s meant to make guys think: ‘I don’t know if this is sexy or just weird.

And if I ever see you or your fake ass Chanel earrings around here again, I will shove my very real, very pointy Jimmy Choos up your prissy little ass. Do I make myself clear?

He awoke at six, as usual. He needed no alarm clock. He was already comprehensively alarmed.

Every single good person is a good person for their own sake, not for the sake of humanity, not even for the sake of another human being.

Love is the best thing in the world, except for cough drops.

Well, I’m not kissing the mundane," said Jace. "I’d rather stay down here and rot.""Forever?" said Simon. "Forever’s an awfully long time."Jace raised his eyebrows. "I knew it," he said. "You want to kiss me, don’t you?

Ya were going to turn me into a rat? Had I known that I wouldn’t have tried to turn ya into a snake.

We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.

Lysistrata: Oh, Calonicé, my heart is on fire; I blush for our sex. Men will have it we are tricky and sly...Calonicé: And they are quite right, upon my word!Lysistrata: Yet, look you, when the women are summoned to meet for a matter of the last importance, they lie abed instead of coming.Calonicé: Oh, they will come, my dear; but 'tis not easy you know, for a woman to leave the house. One is busy pottering about her husband; another is getting the servant up; a third is putting her child asleep or washing the brat or feeding it.

The arrival of a good clown exercises a more beneficial influence upon the health of a town than twenty asses laden with drugs.

You look as scary as a buttered muffin.

Everyone is a Butthole.

The first moment someone calls for a revolution is usually the last moment I take them seriously.

When it comes to your self-esteem, it is best not to value the opinions of deluded psychopaths.

And, she was able to tell herself with some satisfaction, the man in question - one Colin Bridgerton - felt precisely the same way........His earth shook, his heart leaped, and Penelope knew without a doubt that his breath was taken away as well. For a good ten seconds.Falling off a horse tended to do that to a man.

In countries where all the crooked politicians wear pin-striped suits, the best people are bare-assed.

There are these two young fish swimming along and they happen to meet an older fish swimming the other way, who nods at them and says "Morning, boys. How's the water?" And the two young fish swim on for a bit, and then eventually one of them looks over at the other and goes "What the hell is water?

She was small. Her shadow moved in the dance of chaos before her as the inferno blazed behind her and licked the sky with its many tongues. She clutched an indistinguishable toy with both arms tightly. Her face was serene. Her eyes shone with courage more immense than the surrounding flames. She was small, but at that moment, I've never seen a bigger person.

I don’t experience writer’s block, I only have periods of severe writer’s diarrhoea; an incoherent mess of unfitting words placed in random sentences. Luckily, I can usually separate the shit from “the shit” later on.

Not just in America. When I left my primary school, my father said, 'Son, you are now a man,' then he gave me a scented candle and told me how babies are made." Vik fought to keep his lips from twitching.

I mean, I can understand not being as pricey as Percy or Jason, maybe... but am I worth, like, two Franks, or three Franks?

. In gym, she would purposely get on the opposite team of me and since we were still doing dodge ball; she would try to hit me. This brings us to one of the only things I understood from my brother and dad when they were explaining stuff to me: I now had quicker reflexes thanks to the awakened shifter gene. She couldn’t hit me even if the ball got launched by a canon.Well, maybe not a canon, but something that would launch it pretty fast.

I had a dream about you last night... You replaced all the people in your life with kittens. It felt more like a prediction of the future.

Purity. Serenity... Solitude: What you ought to uphold. But the important thing is whether you believe it.

Toys have taken over my family room. I watch Mary Poppins, and no matter how many spoonfuls of sugar I eat, action figures won’t march into a bin with the snap of my fingers.

Next time I tell you someone from Texas should not be president of the United States, please pay atten

It's impossible to walk through solid rock... You have to walk between the molecules that make up the rock.

That's the coolest thing I've ever seen," Puck said."How cool will it be when it kills us?" Sabrina asked."Considerably less cool," Puck replied.

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas I'll never know.

As heirs to a legacy more than two centuries old, it is understandable why present-day Americans would take their own democracy for granted. A president freely chosen from a wide-open field of two men every four years; a Congress with a 99% incumbency rate; a Supreme Court comprised of nine politically appointed judges whose only oversight is the icy scythe of Death -- all these reveal a system fully capable of maintaining itself. But our perfect democracy, which neither needs nor particularly wants voters, is a rarity. It is important to remember there still exist other forms of government in the world today, and that dozens of foreign countries still long for a democracy such as ours to be imposed on them.

I can't decide whether I'm a good girl wrapped up in a bad girl, or if I'm a bad girl wrapped up in a good girl. And that's how I know I'm a woman!

Afterward, there was some debate as to whether we'd actually "done it properly," which gives you some idea of the awesome skill and artful dexterity of my lovemaking technique.

It's all very well to put the government in the hands of the perfect man, but what do you do when the perfect man gets a bellyache?

Stocks may come and stocks may go, but food goes on forever.