Humor Quotes - Page 196

I was nearly unnerved at my proximity to a nameless thing at the bottom of a pit.

Beware Stephen! There will probably be a magical combat of some sort. I daresay I shall have to take on different forms – cockatrice, raw head and bloody bones, rains of fire, etc., etc. You may wish to stand back a little!

You say: 'Oh, please forgive'You say: 'Oh, live and let live.'But sorry doesn't help us.Sorry will not save us.Sorry is just a word you find so easy to say (so you say it anyway).Sorry doesn't help us.Sorry won't protect us.Sorry won't undo all the good gone wrong.

Failure: the renewable resource.

This supreme instance of Troy's goodness fell upon Gabriel's ears like the thirteenth stroke of a crazy clock.

It's funny when people say something is "unreal" about something that is, in reality, real. I'm so guilty of it, it's real!

Think I have made a terrible mistake going to college. Have decided to become a shepherd and spend my days tending to flocks of goats

Man who hates cats is insecure, but a man who likes them is one worth keeping. If he can appreciate a cat, he can appreciate a strong, independent woman.

I'm on the Internet. I stay informed. They let old people on the Internet, you know.

We, humans, have come up with so many superficialities that are completely unnecessary for our existence and happiness on earth.

Peace, love, and chicken fingers man...

PHI is one H of a lot cooler than PI!

In such societies it is common for ordinary people to seek out celibate spiritual leaders for marriage, love and sometimes sexual guidance. This strikes me as a particularly stupid kind of folly. Nobody ever asks a vegetarian for a recommendation for a steak house

How is it that I am completely naked while you haven’t shed even one stitch of clothing?”“Because you were dinner, Rebecca.”A snort escaped, mixing with her laughter. “Remind me to have dinner with you more often. I have been missing out.” “You? What about me?

Remember, we're madly in love, so it's all right to kiss me anytime you feel like it.

A zoo is a good place to make a spectacle of yourself, as the people around you have creepier, more photogenic things to look at.

Does it not occur to people that I might be artificial by nature?

A palindrome,” I said the first time she told me. She looked at me, perplexed, and that’s when I knew I could never love her. What a waste of a palindrome she was, that Hannah.-Owen Gentry

If you know how to open doors with just a smile, you must need your teeth capped every six months

People, generally, suck.

The important thing is to keep them pledging," he explained to his cohorts. "It doesn't matter whether they mean it or not. That's why they make little kids pledge allegiance even before they know what 'pledge' and 'allegiance' mean.

We don’t ask when people age out of singing, or eating ice cream; why would we stop making love?

[Myrnin to Claire about their costumes of Pierrot and Harlequin, respectively]"Don't they teach you anything in your schools?".""Pity. I suppose that's what comes of your main education flowing from Google.

The expression 'Those who can't do, teach' is a curious one, because if you look at the world , you'll see that teachers aren't particularly worse at doing things than anyone else, so perhaps the expression might be better worded as 'nobody can do anything

If I had been born in the 1700′s, presumably children had a bigger vocabulary than I had which means I wouldn’t have been able to recite fairy tales to kids because I’m not smart enough.You know…?I’d have to be like…..uh:In time passed, though not long ago, there lived three pigs in stature, little in number, three, who being of an age both entitled and inspired to seek their fortune did set about to do thusly.When they had traveled a distance, pig numbered first spake saying, “Harken Brethren, head this impetuous realm! Tarry me far from hearth and home I fear we shall fair *snort* not well!” And so being collectively agreed, but individually impaled, the diminutive swine sought each to erect himself an abode.....

Ceres wanted a united front in the plant war.""The plant war," Percy said. "You're going to arm all the little grapes with tiny assault rifles?

It was a scary thought. A man could be surrounded by poetry reading and not know it.

For what religion has never had sects? Rest assured, Extremism is always the derrière.

Bike lane: the section of the road that accommodates wide loads and has speed bumps to protect drunk drivers.

The assholes are always puzzled when the order of the universe is restored, when they are held accountable for their cowardly, pretentious, loveless ways.

Mike nodded. A sombre nod. The nod Napoleon might have given if somebody had met him in 1812 and said, "So, you're back from Moscow, eh?

I'm poor and my cat is huge.

We had a teacher called Fanny Menlove, and I remember once when she was out of the room Nancy went up to the blackboard and wrote it backward - Menlove Fanny - and we all fell around laughing. She got into big trouble, but she didn't seem to mind. She had no fear.

Excruciating agony makes me cranky.

For those whose ganglia were formed pre-TV, the mimetic deployment of pop-culture icons seems at best an annoying tic and at worst a dangerous vapidity that compromises fiction's seriousness by dating it out of the Platonic Always, where it ought to reside.

This isn't where I intended to be. Killing a person has a funny way of getting your life off-track. (Dark City Lights)

Q: But what do you think that the Bible, itself, says? Don't you know how it was arrived at?A: I never made a calculationQ: What do you think?A: I do not think about things I don't think about.Q: Do you think about things you do think about?A: Well, sometimes.

It came charging toward me, several hundred pounds of angry-looking monster, and I did the only thing any reasonable wizard could have done.I turned around and ran like hell.

Big changes could come quickly, and he wondered what else might happen to his heart while he wasn't paying attention.

Waking up, for many people, is apparently a positive experience. There are twittering birds and the smell of fresh coffee fills the air.These people do not live at my house.

Atheism is not a philosophy; it is not even a view of the world; it is simply an admission of the obvious. In fact, 'atheism' is a term that should not even exist. No one needs to identify himself as a 'non-astrologer' or a 'non-alchemist.' We do not have words for people who doubt that Elvis is still alive or that aliens have traversed the galaxy only to molest ranchers and cattle. Atheism is nothing more than the noises reasonable people make in the presence of unjustified religious beliefs.

Beatrice: I wonder that you will still be talking, Signior Benedick: nobody marks you.Benedick: What, my dear Lady Disdain! are you yet living?

And pictures of perfection, as you know, make me sick and wicked.

Never attribute to malevolence what is merely due to incompetence

Is this about what happened to you and the old Sector 7?” I asked with a growl of my own.His hands tightened their grip on my shoulders. “How did you know about that?” “Tabby-Chan told me.”“Freaking Meko-Chan,” Kuroi uttered, “I swear, that kid is gonna get it. What did she tell you, exactly?”“She told me not to tell you that she told me what you told her.” I realized what I said. “Oops.” ~Luna's POV, Clash of the Clans: Shinobi 7 Companion Book #1

I fall asleep with the sound of her voice echoing in my head, and a feeling in my chest like someone is scooping my heart out with a spoon.

I'd never been a good damsel in distress. I was a "hands-on" damsel.

'How old were you when you realized you were... different?' Logan opened his mouth, then smiled slyly, 'What sort of different? Gay different, magic different, or just plain fucked-in-the-head-crazy different?' Collin bit back a smile at Logan's delivery, 'Magic different.' 'Ah,' Logan said, 'Pity, the other stories are a lot more fun.'

No one believes a liar. Even when she's telling the truth.

Well, I've always wanted to call my son

Why does everyone have to pretend to be stupid and not know long words?

I've stopped drinking, but only while I'm asleep.

A dysfunctional family is any family with more than one person in it.

Hearts can't be broken because they're made of marzipan.

Let's see," mused the dragon, "that doesn't tell us much, does it? What sort of a word is this? Is it an epithet, do you think?"Gawaine could do no more than nod."Why, of course," exclaimed the dragon, "reactionary Republican.

Dear Literary World, Sorry for breaking down your door...I'll pay for that!!! Since I'm here and planning to stay a while, let me tell you some stories!!

I have a theory that as human beings get older, chemicals are released into the brain to prepare us for the end. Sort of like how the nurse lubes your ass up before the anus-cam. It makes the whole thing a lot easier to swallow. Easier, not enjoyable.

Now, nature, as I am only too aware, has her enthusiasts, but on the whole, I am not to be counted among them. To put it bluntly, I am not the type who wants to go back to the land; I am the type who wants to go back to the hotel.

Somehow it seems to fill my head with ideas—only I don’t exactly know what they are!

My friend says she's smart. She reads a book to fall asleep.