Humor Quotes - Page 188

Is somethin' wrong?" said Daft Wullie."Aye!" snapped the kelda. "Rob willnae tak' a drink o' Special Sheep Liniment!"Wullie's little face screwed up in instant grief."Ach, the Big Man's deid!" he sobbed. "Oh waily waily waily - "Will ye hush yer gob, ye big mudlin!" shouted Rob Anybody, standing up. "I am no' deid! I'm trying to have a moment o' existential dreed here, right? Crivens, it's a puir lookout if a man cannae feel the chilly winds o' Fate lashing aroound his nethers wi'out folks telling him he's deid, eh?

Perhaps not," said Will, who had ears like a bat's. "But I would make a radiant bride.

Okay, on my first night, he tried to chat me up. You know how the story goes. ‘You have the most beautiful eyes, I’m very rich, want to see my bedroom?’ Blah, blah, blah.”“And because you turned him down, he’s more determined than ever,” Will guessed, with amazing accuracy. “You did turn him down, right?”“Of course,” I told him, insulted by the insinuation I would drop my knickers for a glass of wine. “Do you think I’d risk my job for a quick tumble in the sheets with him?

There were pecans, there were cashews and then there was just plain nuts.

The nice part about being a pessimist is that you are constantly being either proven right or pleasantly surprised.

Dude, I don’t want to talk about Lacey’s prom shoes. And I’ll tell you why: I have this thing that makes me really uninterested in prom shoes. It’s called a penis.

So let me get this straight. You were living in a tent in the woods, but now you're living with Prince Charming and anger management boy? SERIOUSLY?!

Sometimes you must agree with someones opinion for the sake of being polite and modest, but within you, you know that you are not foolish and crazy.

I see a light in the kitchen. Let us not deprive Molly any longer of the chance to deplore how thin you are.

True evil is always petty and often incompetent.

When you feel neglected, think of the female salmon, who lays 3,000,000 eggs but no one remembers her on Mother's Day

There isn't a thing I can't do now that I didn't do when I was twenty-one...which gives you an idea of how pathetic I was when I was twenty-one. (That's a lie, but I might as well tell you something right here at the beginning of the book. Anytime I can get a laugh I'm not going to let the truth interfere with it.)

I am the Captain of my own life.

I had a dream about you last night.. You were balancing ten tiny footballs on your nose while dancing with a turquoise unicorn.

After earning a degree in Marketing at Auburn University, I spent the next five years in the business world, which is a polite way of saying that I had eleven jobs in a five-year period, including door to door sales, skip tracing people who didn’t want to be found, repossessing cars and collecting on defaulted student loans. During this five-year period, I did an in-depth study of abnormal psychology and sociopathic behavior – and then I divorced him.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where’s the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

One day, we will live in a world without salads. It is a dream I have.

No one's an angel - especially if he's a man

The German language is so sonorous, isn't it? Beautiful language...the language of poetry. Angry, angry poetry.

Have you ever kissed anybody?" he asked and took a sip.I smirked. "There aren't a whole lot of opportunitiesin the digital world. I did practice on my hand once. It didn't do anything for me".Justin coughed on the water he was swallowing and I slapped my hand over my mouth."Did I just say that aloud?" I mumbled.He was half coughing, half laughing. "Yes, you did", he managed to say.

[The cats] scamper in front of my legs, causing me to fall and face plant into whatever furniture is closest. They especially like to play this game when I’m carrying piping hot coffee.

The greatest violence, and the greatest threat to humanity, is the growth of MONEY.

I do not believe in any religion, I will have nothing to do with immortality. We are miserable enough in this life without speculating upon another.

Delivering a commencement address is a great responsibility; or so I thought until I cast my mind back to my own graduation. The commencement speaker that day was the distinguished British philosopher Baroness Mary Warnock. Reflecting on her speech has helped me enormously in writing this one, because it turns out that I can’t remember a single word she said. This liberating discovery enables me to proceed without any fear that I might inadvertently influence you to abandon promising careers in business, the law or politics for the giddy delights of becoming a gay wizard.

Whatever demon invented stiletto-heeled boots should roast in hell...

Diplomacy is the delicate weapon of the civilized warrior."- Hun, A. T.

Feelings are like chemicals, the more you analyze them the worse they smell.

#Twitter: proudly promoting ghastly grammar and silly misspelling since 2006.

After a dream like that, you're grateful that it was just a dream, that no matter how bad your actual life, it couldn't be worse than your dream life.

(This is from me: I found this and I'm dying I apologize for any non-Supernatural fans out there but omg the fandom must read this.)Dean: Dad, this is Cas.John: I'm not working with any other hunters, Dean.Dean: He's not a hunter, Dad. He's an angel. John: Well, I knew you were gay but that's no way to introduce me to your boyfriend.Dean: What? No Dad, he's literally an angel. From Heaven.

It'd be great to be so famous that if I murder someone, I will never, ever, ever serve any jail time, even if it's totally obvious to everyone that I did it.

You thought I was a werewolf?" Dervish asks."Yes" I answer hollowly."You ass.

It's astonishing the amount of time that certain straight people devote to gay sex - trying to determine what goes where and how often. They can't imagine any system outside their own, and seem obsessed with the idea of roles, both in bed and out of it. Who calls whom a bitch? Who cries harder when the cat dies? Which one spends the most time in the bathroom? I guess they think that it's that cut-and-dried, though of course it's not. Hugh might do the cooking, and actually wear an apron while he's at it, but he also chops the firewood, repairs the hot-water heater, and could tear off my arm with no more effort than it takes to uproot a dandelion.

Them Frenchies!’ ‘Unchristian, that’s what I call ’em,’ responded Mr. Stubbs severely. ‘I fair compassionate that wench.

Housework won't kill you, but then again, why take the chance?

Now,I'm no scientist,but I know what endorphins are. They're tiny little magical elves that swim through your blood stream and tell funny jokes to each other. When they reach your brain,you hear what they're saying and that boosts your health and happiness. "Knock Knock... Who's There?.. Little endorphin... Little endorphin who?... Little Endorphin Annie." And then the endorphins laugh and then you laugh. See? Its Science.

Wherefore the present age is given up as a reproach to the heathen, and for what cause the people whom thou hast loved is given over unto ungodly nations?!

Life is half delicious yogurt, half crap, and your job is to keep the plastic spoon in the yogurt.

I mean really, how could an artistic individual stay grounded in the nitty-gritty of how many minutes per pound meat has to stay in the oven when trying to fathom the creative philosophy behind the greatest artistic minds of the world?

I used to ask myself, ‘Sergei, would you rather spend your money on drink or women?’ and thanks to the club, I spend it on both and am called a patron of the arts.

Actually, I was prone to random acts of stupidity. I considered it to be one of my talents.

I don't think you should be an Auror, Harry," said Luna unexpectedly. Everybody looked at her. "The Aurors are part of the Rotfang Conspiracy, I thought everyone knew that. They're working to bring down the Ministry of Magic from within using a mixture of dark magic and gum disease.

Want to have a short phone call with someone? Call them at 11:55 a.m., right before lunch. They'll talk fast. You may think you are interesting, but you are not more interesting than lunch.

Sleepwalking is the perfect exorcise for lazy people

More wine," Lightsong said, raising his cup."You can't get drunk, Your Grace," Llarimar noted. "Your body is immune to all toxins.""I know," Lightsong said as a lesser servant filled his cup. "But trust me—I'm quite good at pretending.

Around eighth grade Margot started getting really sensitive about her weight, even though she wasn’t remotely fat—just a little round-faced. So Margot did what any normal fourteen-year-old girl would do. She started puking on purpose, every day after fifth period. Of course now, she does more than puke. But we don’t talk about that. Because real friends don’t judge each other for what they do to survive in hell.

Not all. Some of them he probably lectured to death.

You’re right, I do indeed want you. That doesn’t change the fact that you’re an asshole.

At 8:23 there seemed every chance of a lasting alliance starting between Florin and Guilder.At 8:24 the two nations were very close to war.

I had no desire to hear another woman tell my boyfriend how hot he was. If I wanted him to know, I'd damn well tell him myself.

It's a dirty way to fight, but I'm late for lunch."- Valek to Yelena

There's a fine line between minimalism and not trying very hard.

to pee or not to pee that is the question

One last word,' I said in my horrible careful English, 'are you quite, quite sure that—well, not tomorrow, of course, and not after tomorrow, but—well—some day, any day, you will not come to live with me? I will create a brand new God and thank him with piercing cries, if you give me that microscopic hope''No,' she said smiling, 'no.''It would have made all the difference,' said Humbert Humbert.Then I pulled out my automatic-I mean, this is the kind of fool thing a reader might suppose I did. It never even occurred to me to do it.

I'm fine," Kate said. "In fact, since my last two dates were so awful, things can only get better.""Bad deduction," Jessie said. "If that were true, I'd be dating Harrison Ford by now.

Some people drip wax on themselves like a human chianti bottle to see if they feel anything….but getting a wicker basket to fit them is a fiasco

Every Friday is black where I work.

Do I really run like that?" (Kitty)"Yup," Martini confirmed. "Don't worry, I think it's sexy.""Thank God. I think I look like a cheetah on drugs.

When someone tells you somebody’s been murdered, laughing is probably not the best response. You know, for future reference.But laughing is exactly what I did.

I was in the supermarket the other day, and I met a lady in the aisle where they keep the generic brands. Her name was 'woman.