Humor Quotes - Page 186

Whenever He answers prayers, God usually prioritizes those by people who, instead of their mouths, have prayed with their hands and/or feet.

If nursing were easy, there wouldn't be so many helpful products.

A good night sleep, or a ten minute bawl, or a pint of chocolate ice cream, or all three together, is good medicine.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

An intricate string made up of infinite knots and curls. Taking a step back, it really did seem so fragile. As if the smallest breeze of opportunity would cause it to snap. It held strong though, fastened to me and you as a line of steel.

Thanks so much," Daisy said as graciously as she could to the gift of edible underwear from her fiancé's grandmother. She was pretty sure this wasn't covered in any of the bridal etiquette guides.

Tut, Tut, looks like rain

Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to compute it.

Wait, Richard Cheney, as in Dick Cheney? You're a vampire named Dick Cheney? Somehow, that makes you seem more evil.

Rule #3 - It's okay to believe yourself better than the rest of the planet, so long as you keep it to yourself.

A man's plumbing is like his mind: simple, very few surprises. You ladies, on the other hand...well, God put a lot of thought in making you.

What would men be without women? Scarce, sir...mighty scarce.

Some people would not have remained with their partners, if the unfortunate things that have happened to them had happened to their partners, or if the fortunate things that have happened to their partners had happened to them.

Famine sometimes increases the number of people who are overweight.

He walked straight out of college into the waiting arms of the Navy. They gave him an intelligence test. The first question on the math part had to do with boats on a river: Port Smith is 100 miles upstream of Port Jones. The river flows at 5 miles per hour. The boat goes through water at 10 miles per hour. How long does it take to go from Port Smith to Port Jones? How long to come back?Lawrence immediately saw that it was a trick question. You would have to be some kind of idiot to make the facile assumption that the current would add or subtract 5 miles per hour to or from the speed of the boat. Clearly, 5 miles per hour was nothing more than the average speed. The current would be faster in the middle of the river and slower at the banks. More complicated variations could be expected at bends in the river. Basically it was a question of hydrodynamics, which could be tackled using certain well-known systems of differential equations. Lawrence dove into the problem, rapidly (or so he thought) covering both sides of ten sheets of paper with calculations. Along the way, he realized that one of his assumptions, in combination with the simplified Navier Stokes equations, had led him into an exploration of a particularly interesting family of partial differential equations. Before he knew it, he had proved a new theorem. If that didn't prove his intelligence, what would?Then the time bell rang and the papers were collected. Lawrence managed to hang onto his scratch paper. He took it back to his dorm, typed it up, and mailed it to one of the more approachable math professors at Princeton, who promptly arranged for it to be published in a Parisian mathematics journal.Lawrence received two free, freshly printed copies of the journal a few months later, in San Diego, California, during mail call on board a large ship called the U.S.S. Nevada. The ship had a band, and the Navy had given Lawrence the job of playing the glockenspiel in it, because their testing procedures had proven that he was not intelligent enough to do anything else.

I stood up in a flash and flushed a light shade of furious.

Recent studies have shown that approximately 40% of authors are manic depressive. The rest of us just drink.

I also found it particularly encouraging that the decent people in his life were now outnumbering the crazy bitches

As I got closer to the fence, I held my shirt over my nose to block the smell. One stallion waded through the muck and whinnied angrily at me. He bared his teeth, which were pointed like a bear's.I tried to talk to him in my mind. I can do that with most h

Go on, get out! Last words are for fools who haven't said enough!

It's such a silly little thing, the heart.

MagicSandra’s seen a leprechaun,Eddie touched a troll,Laurie danced with witches once,Charlie found some goblins gold.Donald heard a mermaid sing,Susy spied an elf,But all the magic I have knownI've had to make myself.

Maxwell Arbus was the reason Saul lost an eye?" "Yes," Millie answers stiffly. "But that was a long time ago. Saul has moved on. So have I." Whatever checks I'd held on my emotions shatter. "Moved on?!" Whirling around, I storm at Millie, waving my arms like a maniacal marionette. "I don't care if it was so long ago we could only get with a TARDIS! There is no moving on because it's happening right now!

Ah, pay no heed if your enemies laugh. They'll not be able to once you lop off their heads.

So the gods,” Moash said, nursing his own drink, “were pleased that you solved problems on your own . . . by going to other gods and begging them for help instead?”“Hush,” Rock said. “Is good story.

If the president and the Vice President dies who becomes President" "Thats easy Arnold Swartzanager

Never buy your kid a Puzzle that you can't solve!

There is a tremendous amount of farting in prison.

...killing Dirk, killing anybody, was not going to change anything apart from Francisco's f***ing ego, which was already large enough to house the world's poor twice over, with a few million bourgeoisie in the spare-room.

Sometimes, though, you have to do things for family, even if you'd rather not.

Passing their toilet training is the very last thing that some adults did that has made their parents proud of them.

I think I did pretty well, considering I started out with nothing but a bunch of blank paper.

I'm not that shallow, asshole. I don't need money. It's way more important for them to be good-looking.

I deem myself as intellectual and analytical as much as I can but still never miss the chance to goof around and joke about anything but I never laugh at nobody. Good humor is about laughing with not about laughing at.

It was a sign of how worried and confused I was that I wasn’t completely distracted by the sight of his powerful thighs flexed in front of me.

So it's true. You can walk in sunlight. I thought perhaps it might have worn off.""If I feel the urge to burst into flames, I'll let you know.

A truly compassionate man gives a poor woman a portion of his meal before he eats, not after he has eaten.

Suffer love! A good ephitet! I do suffer love indeed, for I love thee against my will.

You mean you don't want to come in and hold my hand while I piss?

You have no idea how crazy I am, I should be wearing yellow Caution tape, I'm that bonkers.

I always like a dog so long as he isn't spelled backward.

Shut the front door!” Jenna exclaimed.Andrew disappeared into the foyer, and when he returned, his eyebrows were furrowed in confusion. “The door is shut?

Then why are you here?” Emma demanded. “Oh, is this one of those missed-connections things? We met the other night, you felt a spark? Sorry, but I don’t date trees.”“I am not a tree.” Iarlath looked angry, his bark peeling slightly.

If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would have made them cute and furry.

Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed there are many rewards, if you disgrace yourself you can always write a book.

I never made a mistake in my life; at least, never one that I couldn't explain away afterwards.

The highest perfection of politeness is only a beautiful edifice, built, from the base to the dome, of graceful and gilded forms of charitable and unselfish lying.

Death drives desire.

I took a deep intake of breath and gathered all my strength to unleash the arrogant, cold-hearted royal bitch who must hide somewhere in deeper layers of my being. We all must have one somewhere, and she should see the light of day sometimes.

I do not," I felt oddly appalled by her statement. "I'm an excellent liar. Ask my dentist. He swears I floss regularly.

I will never deny that life isn't fair. It seems as though when a woman leaves a man she is strong and independent, but when a man leaves a woman he is a pig and a jerk.

I am the son and the heir of a shyness that is criminally vulgar.

Well, Hell was worse, of course, by definition. But Crowley remembered what Heaven was like, and it had quite a few things in common with Hell. You couldn’t get a decent drink in either of them, for a start. And the boredom you got in Heaven was almost as bad as the excitement you got in Hell.

You know you are a human when a beautiful image appearing on television/computer/smartphone/tab screen appears more alive than a living being.Basically, we are stupid.

Because you're a girl and when a girl says she's fine, she's lying.

You know, one time I saw Tiger down at the water hole: he had the biggest testicles of any animal, and the sharpest claws, and two front teeth as long as knives and as sharp as blades. And I said to him, Brother Tiger, you go for a swim, I’ll look after your balls for you. He was so proud of his balls. So he got into the water hole for a swim, and I put his balls on, and left him my own little spider balls. And then, you know what I did? I ran away, fast as my legs would take me “I didn’t stop till I got to the next town, And I saw Old Monkey there. You lookin’ mighty fine, Anansi, said Old Monkey. I said to him, You know what they all singin’ in the town over there? What are they singin’? he asks me. They singin’ the funniest song, I told him. Then I did a dance, and I sings, Tiger’s balls, yeah, I ate Tiger’s balls Now ain’t nobody gonna stop me ever at all Nobody put me up against the big black wall ’Cos I ate that Tiger’s testimonials I ate Tiger’s balls. “Old Monkey he laughs fit to bust, holding his side and shakin’, and stampin’, then he starts singin’ Tiger’s balls, I ate Tiger’s balls, snappin’ his fingers, spinnin’ around on his two feet. That’s a fine song, he says, I’m goin’ to sing it to all my friends. You do that, I tell him, and I head back to the water hole. “There’s Tiger, down by the water hole, walkin’ up and down, with his tail switchin’ and swishin’ and his ears and the fur on his neck up as far as they can go, and he’s snappin’ at every insect comes by with his huge old saber teeth, and his eyes flashin’ orange fire. He looks mean and scary and big, but danglin’ between his legs, there’s the littlest balls in the littlest blackest most wrinkledy ball-sack you ever did see. “Hey, Anansi, he says, when he sees me. You were supposed to be guarding my balls while I went swimming. But when I got out of the swimming hole, there was nothing on the side of the bank but these little black shriveled-up good-for-nothing spider balls I’m wearing. “I done my best, I tells him, but it was those monkeys, they come by and eat your balls all up, and when I tell them off, then they pulled off my own little balls. And I was so ashamed I ran away. “You a liar, Anansi, says Tiger. I’m going to eat your liver. But then he hears the monkeys coming from their town to the water hole. A dozen happy monkeys, boppin’ down the path, clickin’ their fingers and singin’ as loud as they could sing, Tiger’s balls, yeah, I ate Tiger’s balls Now ain’t nobody gonna stop me ever at all Nobody put me up against the big black wall ’Cos I ate that Tiger’s testimonials I ate Tiger’s balls. “And Tiger, he growls, and he roars and he’s off into the forest after them, and the monkeys screech and head for the highest trees. And I scratch my nice new big balls, and damn they felt good hangin’ between my skinny legs, and I walk on home. And even today, Tiger keeps chasin’ monkeys. So you all remember: just because you’re small, doesn’t mean you got no power.

Why do you have bungee cords back here?" she asked."I'm dating again.

The murder of a child has no justification, even if the bombs have missed their mark.

Freedom was the price of privacy.

Charlene says:I hope I can be a star. I want to be able to set goals so I know where I'm going. It feels like I've been sort of floating around without being sure where I'd end up because I haven't figured out what I'd really like to do.