Humor Quotes - Page 181

He looked at her, amazed with her sudden nerves. “Sweetheart… marrying was never on any list of mine.” He reached for her hand and held it tightly in his. “But marrying you… now that’s something different.

The only thing altruism will get you here is a boot stomping on your head.

Now, public libraries are most admirable institutions, but they have one irritating custom. They want their books back.

I don’t think we’ve been introduced,” I said. “My name’s Zara. I’m strong, I’m fast, and I totally kick ass. It’s great to be me...but that means right now it sucks to be you.

What's this about?""Finally. Interest," was the only response."If this is one of your tricks..." Like the time Torin had ordered hundreds of blow-up dolls and placed them throughout the fortress, all because Paris had foolishly complained about the lack of female companionship in town. The plastic "ladies" had stared our from every corner, their wide eyes and let-me-suck-you mouths taunting everyone who passed them.Things like that happened when Torin was bored.

The chef turned back to the housekeeper. “Why is there doubt about the relations between Monsieur and Madame Rutledge?”The sheets,” she said succinctly.Jake nearly choked on his pastry. “You have the housemaids spying on them?” he asked around a mouthful of custard and cream.Not at all,” the housekeeper said defensively. “It’s only that we have vigilant maids who tell me everything. And even if they didn’t, one hardly needs great powers of observation to see that they do not behave like a married couple.”The chef looked deeply concerned. “You think there’s a problem with his carrot?”Watercress, carrot—is everything food to you?” Jake demanded.The chef shrugged. “Oui.”Well,” Jake said testily, “there is a string of Rutledge’s past mistresses who would undoubtedly testify there is nothing wrong with his carrot.”Alors, he is a virile man . . . she is a beautiful woman . . . why are they not making salad together?

Really the only time men and women get along is when women want sex.

There are many other little refinements too, Mr. Bohlen. You'll see them all when you study the plans carefully. For example, there's a trick that nearly every writer uses, of inserting at least one long, obscure word into each story. This makes the reader think that the man is very wise and clever. So I have the machine do the same thing. There'll be a whole stack of long words stored away just for this purpose."Where?"In the 'word-memory' section," he said, epexegetically.

Some people are disappointed in their life because they are trying to use the tools that God did not authorised them to use in their life, trying to build on a purpose that is not even attached in their personality.

Forty dollars for one adult nonrefundable ticket. You’re in luck — your bus leaves in a half hour. But there’s no dogs, unless that’s a service animal.”“Oh, yeah,” Call said, with a quick look down at Havoc. “He’s totally a service dog. He was in the service — the navy, actually.”The woman’s eyebrows went up.“He saved a man,” Call said, trying out the story as he counted the cash and pushed it through the slot. “From drowning. And sharks. Well, just the one shark, but it was a pretty big one. He’s got a medal and everything.

Pointed teeth would give one an appearance of ferocity," he said, tapping a straight white tooth. "Although that might require one to follow through with biting someone from time to time, and the thought is enough to make one feel ill. I don't even like my meat cooked rare.

Sure I eat my feelings, but I save the emotional roller coaster for dessert

And there it is! Bravo! I knew it was only a matter of time before Byron realized he had an audience. That man is simply incapable of keeping his shirt on when there are spectators. One Christmas Eve, he stripped his shirt off right in the middle of the choir's rendition of Oh Child of Bethlehem. Coincidentally, the next song was Come Let Us Adore Him and the imbecile actually launched into some interpretive dance.

If I was made of cake I'd eat myself before somebody else could.

Mistletoe," said Luna dreamily, pointing at a large clump of white berries placed almost over Harry's head. He jumped out from under it. "Good thinking," said Luna seriously. "It's often infested with nargles.

One morning you wake up with more life behind you than in front of you, not being able to understand how it’s happened.

I swear, talking to you is like talking to a really good-looking and mildly stupid brick wall.

Better a witty fool, than a foolish wit.

Moments later as we crossed the road to the 50’s diner, I recited the restaurant rules in my head one more time.Rule one: Keep your hands clean.Rule two: Careful with the food trays.Rule three: Visit the soda fountain as often as you like, but don’t make yourself sick.Rule four: Enjoy the poodle skirt.

One of the perils of life is to be asked a question which the wisest of them cannot answer. But a smile does the job.

Life is full of intriguing souls that you cannot penetrate… An uncomfortable percentage of those anguished and impregnable souls also have suffering hearts that are further tormented by a deluded mind. They will hurt out of an impulse, and then live their lives after that without the slightest remorse.

Jacob offered Ann pot, this time from a bowl. She shook her head no.“You gotta keep doing it and eventually it will start to feel good, and your body will adapt,” he encouraged. It was the same thing her mom’s yoga instructor had said to her once and her answer was the same both times.

Well, good Christ, how was I supposed to know all that, Hannah? Who looks into the fine points when he's hungry? I'm eight years old and chocolate pudding happens to get me hot. All I have to do is see that deep chocolatey surface gleaming out at me from the refrigerator, and my life isn't my own.

Your smile can becomes a quote for a change

Anybody who says they are a good liar obviously is not, because any legitimately savvy liar would always insist they're honest about everything.

Just give me a comfortable couch, a dog, a good book, and a woman. Then if you can get the dog to go somewhere and read the book, I might have a little fun.

Have I cheated death again? Hades must be allergic to me.

Tacos.""Tacos?" I echoed.This seemed to amuse him. "Tomatoes, lettuce, cheese.""I know what a taco is!

Love is a hook; the moment a man swallows it, a woman knows she has him forever.

Well,” she said. “I’m frustrated.”“Don’t make me angry-kiss you.”“Give me the laundry.”“Tempers rising, faces flushed … This is how it happens.

I'll take the cemetery," Kane said. He didn't sound excited. Rather, he sounded resigned. "The club might collapse if I go.

Hertzfeld recalled that Gates just sat there coolly, looking at Steve in the eye, before hurling back, in his squeaky voice, what became a classic zinger. "Well, Steve, I think there's more than one way of looking at it, I think it's more like we both had this rich neighbor named Xerox and I broke into his house to steal the TV set and found out that you had already stolen it.

At best he read popular science magazines like the Scientific American he had now, to keep himself up-to-date, in layman's terms, with physics generally. But even then his concentration was marred, for a lifetime's habit made him inconveniently watchful for his own name. He saw it as if in bold. It could leap out at him from an unread double page of small print, and sometimes he could sense it coming before the page turn.

A man grows weary of having no lovers but his fingers.

So why did poor artists originally hang around in cafes?""I don't know. Inspiration from the atmosphere.""Ha! No, you've been tricked, too, just like the rest of us. Cafes didn't have inspirational atmosphere at first. That only came later, when you knew artists had been hanging around in them.

US government button specifications run to twenty-two pages. This fact on its own yields a sense of what it is like to design garments for the Army.

We learned the seven traditional ways to make words unclear.""Seven? That many? Which was the most effective?""Poor grammar skills.

Okay, guys. Stop it. Are you going to start peeing on me to mark your territory?

It's okay to keep a broken oven in your yard as long as you call it art.

In some cases, it is the woman’s stomach—not her heart—that has left her man for another.

if you have returned in my life then either its a deception or its a dream...from now no nightmares onwards

Every child needs a father. Even if he turns out to be Darth Vader.

Get some sleep, Secretary General, get some sleep. Revolution can wait till the morning.

I always thought time was the most valuable currency, but I realized the people we spent our time on and loved us back, that love held even more meaning to me.

You're in a rather odd mood today."I'm soaking wet, Eloise."No need to snap at me about it, I didn't force you to walk across town in the rain."It wasn't raining when I left,". There was something about a sibling that brought out the eight-year-old in a body.I'm sure the sky was gray," Clearly, she had a bit of the eight-year-old in her as well.

Zaphod did not want to tangle with them and, deciding that just as discretion is the better part of valor, so was cowardice is the better part of discretion, he valiantly hid himself in a closet.

LADY BRACKNELLI had some crumpets with Lady Harbury, who seems to me to be living entirely for pleasure now.ALGERNONI hear her hair has turned quite gold from grief.

Iron deficiency can lead to a wardrobe full of crumpled clothes

There's some heinous fuckery goin' on mon.

There may come a day when internet comments sections are deemed, for the good of humanity and the sanity of civilization in general, to be a form of biohazard or metaphysical catastrophe.

So what do you think the physical effect was?"Roman Laughed. "Buddy," he said, "she was tripping.

Third Cosmic Seal:(Shiva Seal 999 - Seal Destruction) One who has received this Cosmic Seal is empowered to control not less than 2,500,000 spirits which depends on the mastership of one's occult and psychic projections. Women are generally kept at this level with a few women exceeding this level.

This is me.’" He handed her the precious scrap of paper. ‘Call me or I’ll call you, but one of us will call, yes? What I mean is it’s not a competition. You don’t lose if you phone first.

The only way to entertain some folks is to listen to them.

One act presses upon another, on a path we have no choice but to follow, and each time there are reasons. We do what we must, we do what we are told, we do what is easiest. What else can we do but solve one sordid problem at a time? Then we look up and find... this.

Try to imagine the calamity of that: Zack, age twenty-eight, with no management experience, gets training from Dave, a weekend rock guitarist, on how to apply a set of fundamentally unsound psychological principles as a way to manipulate the people who report to him.

Coco Chanel is said to have said that a girl should be two things: who and what she is. I say a girl should do two things: what and who she wants.

Are you going to rape me at any point or anything?" I just figured it was good to get things out in the open, get myself in the right headspace. He whipped his head around and looked at me like I'd just insulted his grandmother. "The fuck? No, I'm not." He gave me the squint side-long. "Are you going to rape me?

Hobbies of any kind are boring except to people who have the same hobby. This is also true of religion, although you will not find me saying so in print.

You know you're a hot mess when the only person buying you drinks all night is yourself.