Humor Quotes - Page 179

So. You're a fallen angel." She folded her arms."I'm not fallen," he said roughly."Then what are you?"He shrugged. "Busted.

Generally it appears the case that, when faced with all life's problems, the baby, he wants to cry about everything, the child wants to question everything, the teenager wants to rebel against everything, the young adult wants to solve everything, the middle-aged adult wants to protect everything, and the elder wants to accept everything.

Note from Alien cookbook: “The more intelligent the human is, the better it tastes.

Jack," said Charles, "he's making up words again.""Yes," Jack replied, "but he's getting better at it, don't you think?

I was flipping channels, watching this cheerleading program on MTV. They took a field hockey girl and “transformed” her into a cheerleader by the end of the show. I was just wondering: what if she liked field hockey better?

Three weeks hadn't changed Cop Central. The coffee was still poisonous, the noise abominable, and the view out of her stingy window was still miserable.She was thrilled to be back.

Could the two people who are making out please be quiet?" the Colonel asked loudly from his sleeping bag. "Those of us who are not making out are drunk and tired.

The madrigore of verjuice must be talthibianised.

Driving a hot car is a lot like sex to me, or a lot like I keep thinking sex should be: A total body experience, overwhelming, to all the senses, taking you places you've never been, packing a punch that leaves you breathless and touches your soul. The Viper was way more satisfying then my last boyfriend.

A generous donor (who had no doubt lived a life that imperiled his mortal soul) had granted [the Sisters] more than one hundred waterfront acres.

I'm seven hundred years old, Alexander. I know when something isn't going to work. You won't even admit I exist to your parents." Alec stared at him. "I thought you were three hundred! You're seven huundred years old?" "Well," Magnus amended, "eight hundred. But I dont look it. Anyway, you're missing the point. The point is-" But Alec never found out what the point was because at that moment a dozen more Iblis demons flooded into the square. He felt his jaw drop. "Damn it." Magnus followed his gaze. the demons were already fanning out into a half circle around them, their yellow eyes glowing. "Way to change the subject, Lightwood.

I know writers who use subtext, and they're all cowards.

He's probably somewhere right now eating a Big-N-Tasty. The man has a coffee pot, a microwave, AND a mini refrigerator in his classrooom. If you plan on having a conversation with him, I suggest you do it over the phone. Otherwise, you'll need a motorcycle helmet just to avoid the Snickers shrapnel flying from his mouth!

It would seem that you have no useful skill or talent whatsoever," he said. "Have you thought of going into teaching?

Decide the type of person you want to be, and when others aren’t looking, unique up on them.

I love that name. A country named Chad. Sounds like somebody who lived next door to the Brady Bunch. But if Chad actually lived next door to the Bradys, Greg would be roasting over a slow fire and Marcia would be standing naked on an auction block, because Chad is one of the hungriest, craziest, most desperate places on the planet.

If you get yourself killed, I'll find your grave and spit on it," she threatened.

Only criminals and madmen walk into Central Park after midnight...or, occasionally, an actor. (Dark City Lights)

A wolf is clever-clever-clever, and they are as faithful as a debt unpaid.

Twango's hospitality, though largely symbolic, does him credit.

Sable hair bisected his pecs and arrowed down to the straight and unequivocal statement of his returned interest. Forcing my gaze to his face, I said, "I really don't think we have time for that.""You know that, and I know that, but HE doesn't believe it.""Believe it," I told HIM.J.X.'s mouth tugged into one of those heart-stopping smiles. "Maybe you should whisper in his ear.

Smartass Disciple: Three years! I've listened you preaching just for this silly truth?Master of Stupidity: Who said I was preaching? Who said anything about the truth?

He sang softly, less with words and more with thought. She cradled his head, stitching together his fragmented heart.

I'm a terrible person. I should have stayed in college. I should have gone skydiving while I had the chance. I should have gone swimming with dolphins. I should have seen The Spice Girls perform on their reunion tour!

Whatever the unknown in Europe, it had to be better than the known in a small town, where truth was hidden behind smiles, pleasantries, and an abundance of stretch lace at weddings. Whatever, the yet-to-be-written truth about her own life, it seemed certain to be waiting elsewhere on a blank page, somewhere people made no attempt to predict the future based upon a person's past. Quote from: A Summer Abroad, Mrs. Duchesney's First Real Mysteryc. 2013 Peggy Kopman-Owens

She’d rather make love to him then watch any movie. “We don’t have to. Did I do something wrong?”That made him turn to her. “Of course not.”“Oh. Then don’t you want to…” She trailed off, a blush rising.“Are you kidding me? More than anything.” His expression softened. “But, Maira, I don’t want to rush you, make you do something you aren’t ready for.”She stared at him. He was so pretty. Was he also stone-cold stupid?How could he think she wasn’t ready for it? She’d already thrown herself at him. Twice now, if he counted the kitchen disaster.

The self can watch itself becoming lazy, or non-watchful; this is an asset that can make both for humor and profound well-being.

Wisdom of the Ages: "Government" Like a mafia protection racket-without the protection.

I'd rather be fried alive and eaten by Mexicans.

I am starting to talk fast now, and I have to remember to slow down because when I get excited, I start to sound like myself and my American accent goes away.

And, whoa!" He turned to Mr.D. "Your the wine dude? No way!"Mr.D turned hi eyes away from me and gave Nico a look of loathing. "The wine dude?""Dionysus, right? Oh, wow! I've got your figurine!""My figurine.""In my game, Mythomagic. And holofoil card, too! And even though you've only got like five hundred attack points and everybody thinks your the lamest god card, I totally think your powers are sweet!""Ah." Mr.D seemed truly perplexed, which probably saved my life. "Well, that's...gratifying.

...Bad leaders are known to destroy one, more or even all of the foundations of their people’s way of life...

When I was still quite young I had a complete presentiment of life. It was like the nauseating smell of cooking escaping from a ventilator: you don't have to have eaten it to know that it would make you throw up.

Three months before I met you, I was looking for the next thrill, the next party, the next girl. And then I walked in and found you perched in my kitchen like the most beautifully confident creature I'd ever seen, and I knew you'd be a wildfire.

Be happy, be fun, let your hair down and be AGELESS!

Nineteen ninety-eight was a banner year for Connie. She was separately invited by two male former college friends to participate in an ménage à trois with them and their wives, despite her overbite and diminutive breasts.

She is so tiresome. ‘Am I a vampire, am I a wolf, am I a vampire, am I a wolf, I cannot decide, so I’ll be both!

If you want to go foraging into the wilds of Canada without proper gear, you deserve what you get, even if that happens to include being attacked by an undead moose.

Whatever doesn't kill them, makes them make reality TV shows...

One who is seeking the truth sooner or later finds a woman.

Who cares about fault? As my dad would say, ‘Blame is like your rear-end and reflection. Seeing either always leaves you looking back.’ I’m more worried about what’s in front of me. And right now . . . the view is all messed up.” ~ Ellia

But family connections are weird. Even if your relatives aren't good to you, they're still your blood. You can't lose that connection completely. And believe me, I've got a few relatives on my dad's side I'd love to lose.

Don't be afraid to make an ass of yourself. I do it all the time, and look what I got." (Spoken at a graduation ceremony while holding aloft an honorary doctoral degree from McGill University)

You have purged your way. You are ready to lead sons of men.

He exhaled in disgust. “High school is boredom punctuated by humiliation.

Maybe it was me," Grandma said."Sometimes they sneak out.Did I fart?

I had a dream about you. You were crying, and I couldn’t tell if it was because you were sad or because you’d been laughing too hard. So I decided to find out by telling you that I’d just heard from the cops, and your mother had been murdered. Before I got to the punch line you started sobbing in a different manner, so I realized you’d been laughing earlier. By that time the mood had changed, and I decided it best not to deliver the punch line after all. So I sat down next to you and put my arm around you and tried to console you for your perceived loss.

I’m now ‘Doctor’ to the patients and I have to cover my ignorance by waving my arms and looking grave.

The ill-informed masses included her own family among their ranks, a family that specialized in being both inconvenient and asinine.

Pain, Rhuan decided, did not simply hurt. Pain also exhausted a person, sapped his soul, thinned his spirit. Worse, pain was tedious.

[Jo to her mother] I knew there was mischief brewing. I felt it and now it's worse than I imagined. I just wish I could marry Meg myself, and keep her safe in the family.

Wisdom of the Ages: "Humility" If you don't have it, you're gonna get it.

You need to have faith and trust, Moira.""And a little bit of pixie dust?

Colleges hate geniuses, just as convents hate saints.

She's on the stairs, ma'am, getting her breath,' said the young servant, who had not been long up from the country, where my mother had the excellent habit of getting all her servants. Often she had seen them born. That's the only way to get really good ones. And they're the rarest of luxuries.

If there is a god maybe it rewards those who don't believe on the basis of insufficient evidence--and punishes those who do.

In politics, stupidity is not a handicap.

Abraham Lincoln did not shoot John Wilkes Booth. Titanic did not sink a North Atlantic iceberg. And Fox News is neither fair nor balanced. These are simple historical facts intelligible to all adults, most children, and some of your more discerning domesticated animals. But not... to Bill O

The Scientific Method is a wonderful tool as long as you don't care which way the outcome turns; however, this process fails the second one's perception interferes with the interpretation of data. This is why I don’t take anything in life as an absolute…even if someone can “prove” it “scientifically.

And now that I have been scammed once, I felt like it could not happen to me again.