Humor Quotes - Page 166

Do you wanna go out for lunch? In celebration?” I askedand then touched my lips in thought. “Or we could swing by the storeand get something really good for dinner?”Wesley glanced at me sideways with a puzzled expression Icouldn’t figure out. He looked back at the road. “Maybe later,” he said, chewing on his thumbnail.“Why? Since we’re out, we might as well stop….”“We can’t right now. There are things I have to do first,” he said,looking at me with a grin.“What?” I asked, innocently walking into his trap, though Ishould’ve known better by now.“Like take you home and fuck you up, down, and sideways,” heanswered, like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

How easy it is for so many of us today to be undoubtedly full of information yet fully deprived of accurate information.

Some men are born mediocre, some men achieve mediocrity, and some men have mediocrity thrust upon them.

Count yourself fortunate." He made an elegant sweep of his hand toward the sun. "Daylight does not make them turn to ash, but they become bloody damn infants, whinging on about irritated eyes and sluggish limbs and so forth.

This life’s hard, but it’s harder if you’re stupid.

Hi! Jock Camp here,I wrote this book out of a genuine need: lots of people like to suck cock, but few people know how to suck cock deep. When they do they gag. While gagging can be fun with the right guy, it's not for everyone. Sometimes you just want to suck cock deep and enjoy deep cock. If that's you, or someone you know, please try this fun and easy guide. Let's Suck Cock! Jock Camp

Worrying is stupid. It's like walking around with an umbrella waiting for it to rain.

It’s a bit burned,” my mother would say apologetically at every meal, presenting you with a piece of meat that looked like something — a much-loved pet perhaps — salvaged from a tragic house fire. “But I think I scraped off most of the burned part,” she would add, overlooking that this included every bit of it that had once been flesh. Happily, all this suited my father. His palate only responded to two tastes - burned and ice cream — so everything suited him so long as it was sufficiently dark and not too startlingly flavorful. Theirs truly was a marriage made in heaven, for no one could burn food like my mother or eat it like my dad.

Don't blame you," said Marvin and counted five hundred and ninety-seven thousand million sheep before falling asleep again a second later.

You can pipe anything to anything else, and usually it'll do something. With most of the standard Linux tools, it'll even do what you expect.

If by ‘foe’ you mean a brutal killer, then I suppose I’d fall into the ‘friend’ category,” I replied cynically. “Although in your case, we may have to find a secret option number three.

Gravity is a contributing factor in nearly 73 percent of all accidents involving falling objects.

People talk too much. Humans aren't descended from monkeys. They come from parrots.

Oh, gods. Not the flying!”“I heard you mounted my sister well enough.”“I want you never to make that statement again.

The monkey didn't help matters any. He was sitting on top of the microbus, just watching the undead plunge to their end. His face appeared so serene, so intelligent, as if he truly understood the situation. I almost wanted him to turn to me and say, 'This is the turning point of the war! We've finally stopped them! We're finally safe!' But instead his little penis popped out and he peed in my face.

It's not like there's a law against flying.""Yes there is. The law of gravity.

Kenji snorts.“That’s because you’re not fragile,” Kenji says. “If anything, everyone needs to protect themselves from you. You’re like a freaking beast,” he says. Then adds, “I mean, you know—like, a cute beast. A little beast that tears shit up and breaks the earth and sucks the life out of people.

That's what got her, of course. That everyone thought it so unbelievable that she could possibly attract a man like him. It shouldn't upset her because it was true. She couldn't. Not in this world, in this lifetime. Yet she didn't appreciated everyone else acting as if they were the most improbable twosome since Quasimodo hit on Esmeralda.

Just because you are on a path to damnation, doesn’t mean you’re going to get there. Be willing to change your travel plans.

When in danger or in doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.

I know a man who drives 600 yards to work. I know a woman who gets in her car to go a quarter of a mile to a college gymnasium to walk on a treadmill, then complains passionately about the difficulty of finding a parking space. When I asked her once why she didn't walk to the gym and do five minutes less on the treadmill, she looked at me as if I were being willfully provocative. 'Because I have a program for the treadmill,' she explained. 'It records my distance and speed, and I can adjust it for degree of difficulty.' It hadn't occurred to me how thoughtlessly deficient nature is in this regard.

College is a different scene than it was ten years ago. It used to be all about sex and drugs. Now it’s all about texting and fast food.

Carpenter: "Call Shen Te, someone! She's good!"Shui Ta: "Certainly. She's ruined.

I keep telling myself sensible things, but I never seem to listen!

Your whole being is deeply troubled- personified the vision of a child's purity, lost in the wilderness of an ever-unchanging and imperfect world.

Anubis is associated with the mummification and protection of the dead for their journeys through Denver International Airport to the afterlife. He is usually portrayed as being half human and half jackal, and holding a metal detector in his hand ... Anubis is employed by the Department of Homeland Security to examine the hearts of all travellers to make sure they have not exceeded the weight limit for psychological baggage ... He is also shown frisking mummies and confiscating firearms and other contraband. It doesn't take much to tip the scales in favour of a dead body cavity search or an afterlifetime travel ban.

So does that mean if you won’t fuck me because I’m high, I could fuck you because you’re not?

Irritatingly angry people have no sense of humor when wearing their “angry pants.

Out of the corner of her eye she thought she saw Jace shoot her a look of white rage - but when she glanced at him, he looked as he always did: easy, confident, slightly bored."In future, Clarissa," he said, "it might be wise to mention that you already have a man in your bed, to avoid such tedious situations."" Simon demanded, looking shaken."Ridiculous, isn't it?" said Jace. "We would never have all fit.""I didn't invite him into bed," Clary snapped. "We were just kissing.""Just kissing?" Jace's tone mocked her with its false hurt. "How swiftly you dismiss our love.

I smiled, reached into my pockets and pulled out a pair of ultrapowerful earplugs, the kind that are standard issue for skyway construction workers, artillery soldiers, and roadies for the thirty-five most popular teen boy bands.

Women are like shower faucets, you must treat them carefully, because if you do not, it will either burn your balls or freeze your ass.

Who? Mr. Dalton has his hand firmly on Grace's elbow, as though she can't manoeuvre herself through the blockade of tables and chairs.She could fly right through you, thinks Jack.

If I could bottle kindness, I wonder if formaldehyde would preserve it.

My point is, life is about balance. The good and the bad. The highs and the lows. The pina and the colada.

Remember what happened last time with the 'cuda.

There is no real distinction between who can and cannot be a teacher. All that matters is that this person should have knowledge of the subject matter, empath and compassion with others, and, above all, a great sense of humor which is the true mark of wisdom.

She’s a mixed-breed and not the least bit aggressive.She decided long ago she wanted to be a pet dog, not a guard dog. I think that’s another reason why that man wanted to get rid of her. I’ve never understood all this fascination with aggressiveness. It’s like an epidemic. People don’t just want aggressive dogs, they want to be aggressive themselves.

What is love when it's not for dopamine?

Goddammit! How does the world keep spinning with women on the planet?"Ian St. John in THE POMPEII SCROLL

I had a dream about you last night. We watched pornography together, but purely for the storyline.

And it's really very difficult to kill someone when all your inner instincts would oblige you to take off your hat first!

If I were you, I’d clear those cobwebs out because there isn’t a shop-vac out there strong enough to handle that job.

Shigure: JUST LISTEN TO ME FOR A SECOND, KYO!Kyo: SHUT UP! I HATE THIS! DO YOU REALLY GET THAT MUCH ENJOYMENT FROM PLAYING WITH PEOPLES' LIVES?!Shigure: Well, yes, now that you mention it, I do--BUT THIS IS FOR YOUR OWN GOOD!Kyo: Man, your persuasion skills SUCK!Tohru: Um, welcome home. Dinner's-Kyo: NOT HUNGRY!Shigure: KYO! DON'T TAKE THIS OUT ON TOHRU! And come back to the entrance hall this instant and take those shoes off!Yuki: He's right, Shigure. You really do suck at persuasion.

Now I feel like James Bond. Suave and intelligent, breaking all the codes while looking fabulous.

Can't stay long, Mother," he said. "I'm up front, the prefects have got two compartments to themselves-""Oh, are you a prefect, Percy?" said one of the twins, with an air of great surprise. "You should have said something, we had no idea.""Hang on, I think I remember him saying something about it," said the other twin. "Once-""Or twice-""A minute-""All summer-""Oh, shut up," said Percy the Prefect.

Surrounded by enemies, surrounded by evil, surrounded by darkness, injustice......."don't be afraid , those who are with us are more than those who are with them"2 Kings 6:16

Don’t worry, hero. If the vamp shows up, I’m here to protect you.”“Great, I can hide behind your massive ego.

Men are like dogs," Stacy was fond of saying. And she usually went on to add that, like dogs, they all took up too much space on the bed, and they always went for the crotch.

Who wants to go down the creepy tunnel inside the tomb first?

If a boy doesn't respect his mother...run!

This world, I am afraid, is designed for crashing bores.

...I doubt very seriously whether anyone will hire me.'What do you mean, babe? You a fine boy with a good education.'Employers sense in me a denial of their values.' He rolled over onto his back. 'They fear me. I suspect that they can see that I am forced to function in a century I loathe. This was true even when I worked for the New Orleans Public Library.

Dresses won't worn out in the wardrobe, but that is not what dresses are designed for.

He was a glass half full kind of person and she was...what? The glass is going to break before you can even pour kind of person. Yikes.

Did you eat my Twinkies?"She gulped. Keeping her eyes glued to the whip, she said, "Exactly what Twinkies are we talking about?""The Twinkies in the cupboard over the sink. The only Twinkies in the trailer." His fingers convulsed around the coils of leather.Oh, Lord, she thought. Flayed to death for a Twinkle."Well?""It, uh — it won't happen again, I promise you. But they didn't have any special marking on them, so there was no way I could tell they were yours." Her eyes remained riveted on the whip. "And normally I wouldn't have eaten them— I never eat junk food-—but I was hungry last night, and, well, when you think about it, you'll have to admit I did you a favor because they're clogging my arteries now instead of yours."His voice was quiet. Too quiet. In her mind she heard the howl of a rampaging Cossack baying at a Russian moon. "Don't touch my Twinkies. Ever. If you want Twinkies, buy your own.

First Pallas and now you,” the gray-haired man said, shaking his head at Nick. “It’s like I’m running a goddamn dating service around here.

To work hard, to live hard, to die hard, and then go to hell after all would be too damn hard.

I do wish this time you'd try to dress better while you're home. Folks in town get the wrong impression of you. They think you are--ah--slumming.

The enemies agenda is destruction, his strategy is division and his tactics is on little differences. Mind you he is not going to be happy until he sees you divided.

It's because his wife left him. That's why he's acting funny. She left him the other night. While she was putting her bags into the taxi he was outside on the footpath begging her to stay. On his knees! Why are men so embarrassing?Bev