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Humor Quotes - Page 165

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So why did you want to kiss me?""We're friends aren't we?" Callum shrugged.I relaxed into a smile. "Of course we are.""And if you can't kiss your friends who can you kiss?" Callum smiled.
Malorie Blackman
What about you? If I asked you . . . would you turn me?"Faith's eyes went wide. "Turn you into a vampire?""No, turn me into a frog. Could you do it?"Faith finished her beer in one long swallow. "I might be able to, physically. But I wouldn't."Miranda had known she would say that, but still, her heart sank. "Why not?"She laughed. "Because my boss would kill me.
Dianne Sylvan
I remember one incident which bears upon this part of the treatise. The gentleman who gave it to me had asked to see my tobacco-pipe; he examined it carefully, and when he came to the little protuberance at the bottom of the bowl he seemed much delighted, and exclaimed that it must be rudimentary. I asked him what he meant."Sir," he answered, "this organ is identical with the rim at the bottom of a cup; it is but another form of the same function. Its purposes must have been to keep the heat of the pipe from marking the table upon which it rested. You would find, if you were to look up the history of tobacco-pipes, that in early specimens this protuberance was of a different shape to what it is now. It will have been broad at the bottom, and flat, so that while the pipe was being smoked the bowl might rest upon the table without marking it. Use and disuse must have come into play and reduced the function its present rudimentary condition. I should not be surprised, sir," he continued, "if, in the course of time, it were to become modified still farther, and to assume the form of an ornamental leaf or scroll, or even a butterfly, while in some cases, it will become extinct.
Samuel Butler
We are sometimes hurt mostly or only not by what happened or is happening to us but by being felt sorry for.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
So does anyone have a good survival strategy, or is there no hope for getting out of this nightmare?’ asks the Colonel.‘We came up with a big, fat zero. I don’t know how we’re going to survive the blood hunt,’ says Dee.‘That wasn’t the nightmare I was referring to,’ says the Colonel. ‘Death by stupid comments is what I was talking about.
Susan Ee
Making love to a person in their sleep is the only guarantee they'll wake up with a smile on their face.
Bauvard
A pair of great heels was much more satisfying than a man. They lasted longer, and better yet, they didn’t leave me for someone prettier.
Cindi Madsen
In my book an erection constitutes personal growth.
Amunhotep El Bey
Humm humm haaa. Rahmumm humm haaaa," intoned Opal, finishing her chant. "Peace be inside me, tolerance all around me, forgiveness in my path. Now, Mervall, show me where the filthy human is so that I may feed him his organs.
Eoin Colfer
...writing Jeeves stories gives me a great deal of pleasure and keeps me out of the public houses.
P.G. Wodehouse
If I order an appetizer is there any chance I can get it quickly? I'm two and a half months pregnant with a Bradford," she said, not mentioning it was twins because the thought was actually starting to scare her and she hadn't told Trevor yet and didn't want him finding out this way. She just hoped the woman understood because she was close to crying. Judging by the slightly startled look on the woman's face she did.The waitress shook her head. "No, you're right. You probably won't be able to survive the wait," she said, sending Trevor, who was still trying to get the woman to leave, a glare. "I'll bring you out a bowl of clam chowder followed by chicken fingers, they'll only take a few minutes to prepare. Will that work?"Zoe nodded solemnly. "You are my hero.""I'll put a rush on your food," the waitress said before walking away."Bless you," Zoe said, fighting the urge to kiss the woman.
R.L. Mathewson
Although I understand that all days are equal with 24 hours each, most of us agree that Friday is the longest day of the week and Sunday the shortest!
D.S. Mixell
He’s lost it. Our son is insane. Or on drugs. Or maybe not on enough drugs.
Ransom Riggs
And he gave it for his opinion, "that whoever could make two ears of corn, or two blades of grass, to grow upon a spot of ground where only one grew before, would deserve better of mankind, and do more essential service to his country, than the whole race of politicians put together.
Jonathan Swift
Whatever story you're telling, it will be more interesting if, at the end you add, "and then everything burst into flames.
Brian P. Cleary
Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and a three-dollar pantyhose that won't run.
Phyllis Diller
The average adult hates being treated like a child, unless it suits them.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
I wish I could run into the world’s arms. Linger within the spaces between nothing. I wish I could filter out of existence. To live quietly without dying. I wish I could be cherished by life itself. To speak and sing volumes without lying to myself.
F.K. Preston
He was chugging brown pop from a can Jack had handed him while he stuffed nacho cheese Doritos in his face. I was glad to see he looked lots better, almost completely like himself, which proves Doritos and brown pop really are health foods.
P.C. Cast
Ma'am is yet another horrible-sounding word in the lexicon of words that women are stuck with to describe various aspects of their body/life/mental state/hair. Vagina. Moist. Fallopian tubes. Yeast infection. Clitoris. Frizz. These are all terrible words, and yet they are our assigned descriptors. Who made up these words? Women certainly didn't. If, at the beginning of time, right after making vaginas, God had asked me, 'What would you like your most intimate and enjoyable part of yourself to be called?',' I most certainly wouldn't have said, 'Vagina.' No woman would, because vagina sounds like a First World War term that was invented to describe a trench that has been mostly blown apart but is still in use. Even off the very top of my head I feel like I could have come up with something better, like for instance the word papoose, which actually as I'm typing it feels like an incredibly brilliant word for vagina.
Jessi Klein
From an illustration in her "Animals of a Bygone Era": a Leptictidium, an extinct rabbit-like animal who left no descendants, says: "Too bad, because we were really cute.
Maja Säfström
You know that thing about Death Be Not Proud? Well, Fear Be Not Proud either. And Fear Be Not Elegant. What Fear be is stumbling, bumbling flight, crashing through brush, slip-sliding on pine needles, sloshing through puddles that are always deeper than you expect.
Josh Lanyon
Esmeralda?” Scarlett turned to the witch next. “Don’t you want to do magic, again?” “Of course I do! It’s the only thing I dream of. Casting spells… Turning people into frogs… Genetically engineering my gingerbread army…
Cassandra Gannon
I named my dog Stay, so I can say, 'Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!
Steven Wright
HECKLER: Say something funny!COMEDIAN: I don't do requests.
J. Ross Clara
Keep up," said an irritable voice in her ear. It was Jace, who had dropped back to walk beside her. "I don't want to have to keep looking behind me to make sure nothing's happened to you.""So don't bother.""Last time I left you alone, a demon attacked you," he pointed out. "Well, I'd certainly hate to interrupt your pleasant night stroll with my sudden death."He blinked. "There is a fine line between sarcasm and outright hostility, and you seem to have crossed it.
Cassandra Clare
Laughter is good for you. Nine out of ten stand-up comedians recommend laughter in the face of intense stupidity.
Jim Butcher
If someone breaks your best friend's heart, you should break their face
Abby Shanley
You may have noticed that the questions asked are better than the answers given. What do you expect? Perhaps we could submit these answers in a game and see if anyone could figure out what the hell the question was. “Ahh, how to be happy?
Darrell Calkins
Would you buy potato chips that listed potato by-product or potato digest as an ingredient
Michelle T. Bernard
You can't force folks to have good sense, even if they're family. Maybe especially then.
Patricia C. Wrede
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
George Carlin
What goes up must come down, unless a dragon eats it.
Brian Rathbone
Bad improvisers block action, often with a high degree of skill. Good improvisers develop action."(p.115)
Malcolm Gladwell
I woke up dead.Not only dead...but in hell.I had always been somewhat sketchy on what the afterlife - were there actually such a thing - would be like for a person such as I. From all accounts and all my imaginings, I figured it would be one of two things. Either I would be surrounded by great, burning masses that were endlessly immolating souls in torment... or else I would find myself trapped within my own mind as a helpless bystander, condemned to watching me live out my life over and over again and powerless to do anything to change any of it. When idle speculation prompted me to dwell on these two options, I would find myself drawn invariably to the former, since the later was just too hideous to contemplate....I was almost afraid to open my eyes, because once I did, I would know one way or the other. Perhaps I could have just lain there forever. Perhaps I was supposed to. Perhaps that was my true condemnation: to simply reside in hell with my eyes closed afraid of opening them lest matters deteriorate even further than they already had. This, in turn, made me dwell on the fact that every time I had believed things couldn’t get worse, they promptly had done so with almost gleeful enthusiasm .
Peter David
When the mind is free, magic happens.
C.G. Rousing
Our parents are the coolest parents ever. No other generation went on from writing letters to their own parents to sending snapchats to their own kids.
Sharad Vivek Sagar
It was pretty miserable wretches that minded at all whether they were wet or dry. He could not understand why such people had been born. "It's nothing but damned eccentricity to want to be dry" he would say. "I've been wet more than half my life and never been a whit the worse for it.
Halldór Laxness
To call an artist morbid because he deals with morbidity as his subject-matter is as silly as if one called Shakespeare mad because he wrote ‘King Lear.
Oscar Wilde
Real estate is the best investment on earth, however, when the music stops playing, which happens occasionally, don't be the one left without a chair.
Steven Ivy Attorney Entrepreneur
Dear Mrs. Black: On seven prior occasions this company has denied your claim in writing. We now deny it for the eighth and final time. You must be stupid, stupid stupid, stupid!
John Grisham
Do billboard salesmen record their sales on charts? If so, who's at the top of the billboard charts for billboard sales?
Ryan Lilly
And so the Universe ended.
Douglas Adams
You are well aware of your effect on women, and I'm sure it gratifies you no end to watch them sigh and salivate over your magnificent physique. I do not wish to spoil your fun, Dain, but I do ask you to consider my pride and refrain from embarrassing me in public."Women...sighing and salivating...over his magnificent physique. Maybe the brutal bedding had destroyed a part of her brain.
Loretta Chase
Thomas: Is it [my brain] fixed?Brenda: It worked, judging from the fact that you're not trying to kill us anymore...
James Dashner
And I was fairly certain that my strong-enough-for-King-Kong-but-made-for-a-woman deodorant had utterly failed. --Doom with a View
Victoria Laurie
And once the ripples still and the water returns to its unwavering calm, even the pebble that broke its surface will be forgotten. And the world will go on.
Hubert Martin
And he kissed me . . . slow. Agonizingly, maddeningly, painfully slow.I loved kissing. I also loved what it usually led to, but I was especially loving this part with Leo. The beginning, when everything is new and exciting, and everything in the entire world boils down to sweet feathering lips and quiet sighs. When the stars fade and the earth ceases to turn, its axis forgotten in the wake of things like: which way will you lean and which way will my neck naturally turn, and is it possible that I can actually detect your fingerprints, because my skin seems so alive right now and my nose just brushed yours and the tiny groan that just rumbled from deep in your chest is the most erotic sound imaginable, and gee your hair smells terrific
Alice Clayton
Observation: I can’t see a thing.Conclusion: Dinosaurs.
Carl Sagan
There's a difference between preferring books to parties and preferring sixteen cats to seeing the light of day.
Lauren Morrill
I had this guy’s file pulled this morning, along with the rest of your neighbors. His name is Desperado.”Pause. A few seconds passed. He was waiting for my reaction.“Did you say Desperado?” I couldn’t stop the snort of laughter that bubbled to the surface. “Yeah,” the Director confirmed. “He changed his name when he turned eighteen. It was Melvin.”I was still laughing. “’Cause Desperado is so much better than Melvin.
Laura Kreitzer
I’d heard you were dead.”"I heard you wear a red lace corset,” I said matter-of-factly. “But I don’t believe every bit of nonsense that gets rumored about.
Patrick Rothfuss
The hand on my hair moved to my back, and I realized someone was singing softly. The voice was familiar, and something about it made my chest ache. Well, that was to be expected. Angels' songs would be awfully poignant. "'I was working as a waitress in a cocktail bar, when I met you...'" the voice crooned. I frowned. Was that really an appropriate song for the Heavenly Host to be--
Rachel Hawkins
He turned his gaze upon her, and their eyes not only met, the pupils shook hands, exchanged business cards, and sat down for tea together.
John Moore
I don't like it when I outweigh my men.
Patricia Briggs
Jace suggested that the cast of "Gilligan's Island" could go do something anatomically unlikely with themselves.
Cassandra Clare
Do you remember—”“Fuck, yes.” Merrick stood. “And if you’re telling this story, I’m getting the bottle.
K.J. Charles
So it's true what they say about warlocks, then?" true?". "You can't be rude to everyone who talks to me."Alec made a wide, sweeping gesture. "And why not? Cramping your style, am I? I mean, maybe you were hoping to flirt with werewolf boy here. He's pretty attractive, if you like the messy-haired, broad-shouldered, chiseled-good-looks type.""Hey, now," said Jordan mildly. Magnus put his head in his hands. into?""Mermaids," said Magnus into his fingers. "They always smell like seaweed."," Alec said savagely, and kicking back his chair, he got up from the table and stalked off into the crowd.
Cassandra Clare
My friend Madea has "attitude" that comes with wisdom. Back in our teens and twenties, we thought we knew everything and made all those foolish mistakes. Then, when we got a little older, at thirty, we started getting these flashes of light, revelations of what a great and lucky thing it is that we didn't get caught doing those stupid things back then. Around forty, if we are lucky, we stop lying to ourselves. Fifty and above, we've run out of patience for foolishness. Take me to the bottom line.
Tyler Perry
Do you know how much damage we could do to each other in an hour?
David Bischoff
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