Humor Quotes - Page 162

Wait, how do most people make friends? I've only done it once. There has to be an easier way of going abouit it than getting thrown around and bleeding all over the place. But both of us went through that. So maybe...Nosebleeds = Friendship Maybe friends are drawn to bloodsheed. You know. Like sharks.

If my public existence does anything worthwhile, hopefully it at least demystifies the author a bit, because I know when I was younger I felt like authors were like wizards or something. Turns out they're total muggles.

My soul is chaos, how can it be at all? There is everything in me: search and you will find out ... in me anything is possible, for I am he who at the supreme moment, in front of absolute nothingness, will laugh.

Humor (is) the process that allows one to brush reality aside when it gets too distressing.

Parents never you make church and studying the word of God optional for your children. If they are in your house, get them up, teach them the word of God, the greatest awards, PhD or achievements any child could have is to grow up in the word of God. I and my family are living witness and it is extending to our third generation.

The room continued to spin though she was standing still, but her ears were hot. She felt like she'd just slammed three doubles of tequila and needed a fistfight chaser.

Then she called Gansey.It rang twice, three times, and then: "Hello?"He sounded boyish and ordinary. Blue asked, "Did I wake you up?"She heard Gansey fumble for and scrape up his wireframes."No," he lied, "I was awake.""I called you by accident anyway. I meant to call Congress, but your number was one off.""Oh?""Yeah, because yours has 6-6-5 in it." She paused. "Get it?""Oh, you.""6-6-5. One number different. Get it?""Yeah, I got it.

I have lightning and wind powers," Jason reminded him. "Piper can turn beautiful and charm people into giving her BMWs. You're no more a freak than we are. And, hey, maybe you can fly, too. Like jump off a building and yell 'Flame on!'"Leo snorted. "If I did that, you would see a flaming kid falling to his death, and I would be yelling something a little stronger than 'Flame on!

No I didn't spell that wrong it's just the Canadian version

I've won Satan's lottery.

You know,” he said, “P.S.S. Piss Camp.” “Yeah, I get it,” I said, “It’s just not funny.

There is no pathos more bitter than that of parting from someone we have never met.

So you're the guy who did the no-no cha-cha with my baby sister.

Melody began to mumble incomprehensibly under her breath as she worked frantically on securing her most important papers into bankers boxes.tHer father stomped into her room, eating a banana.tMelody looked up at him with a sweaty and nauseated look on her face. “What are you tramping around so heavily about?” she asked him.tBernie finished the last of the banana, and then held the peel in his hand as though it were a washcloth he had just found on the floor of a gym locker room.tMelody pointed to her trashcan with her eyes.t“I make an insane amount of noise when I approach you, because you once yelled at me claiming that I was 'sneaking up on you',” Bernie replied, using finger quotes on the last phrase. “That kind of treatment stays with a guy.”tMelody shook her head. Her father knew how much she hated finger quotes. Why he insisted on using them was beyond her. “I was five at the time”, she said.t“Ah,” Bernie said, with a knowing grin on his face. “The angry period.

Writing poetry and reading books causes brain damage.

This is the legend of Cassius Clay, The most beautiful fighter in the world today.He talks a great deal, and brags indeed-y, of a muscular punch that's incredibly speed-y.The fistic world was dull and weary,But with a champ like Liston, things had to be dreary.Then someone with color and someone with dash, Brought fight fans are runnin' with Cash.This brash young boxer is something to see And the heavyweight championship is his des-tin-y.This kid fights great; he’s got speed and endurance,But if you sign to fight him, increase your insurance.This kid's got a left; this kid's got a right,If he hit you once, you're asleep for the night.And as you lie on the floor while the ref counts ten,You’ll pray that you won’t have to fight me again.For I am the man this poem’s about,The next champ of the world, there isn’t a doubt.This I predict and I know the score,I’ll be champ of the world in ’64.When I say three, they’ll go in the third,10 months agoSo don’t bet against me, I’m a man of my word.He is the greatest! Yes!I am the man this poem’s about,I’ll be champ of the world, there isn’t a doubt.Here I predict Mr. Liston’s dismemberment,I’ll hit him so hard; he’ll wonder where October and November went.When I say two, there’s never a third,Standin against me is completely absurd.When Cassius says a mouse can outrun a horse,Don’t ask how; put your money where your mouse is!I AM THE GREATEST!

Elizabeth waited until he had left and then promptly burst into laughter. She couldn’t help it, she had been soaked, threatened by a skunk, attacked by a dog and now given a moral lesson by a man that had threatened her with a Winchester earlier. She couldn’t remember ever having a better day.

As far as I know, I'm the most honest person I’ve met in this life.

When in doubt, look intelligent.

Black graffiti on a black helicopter.

Men ought to be a four-letter word! Menn!

I figured something out," he said aloud. "The future is unpredictable."Hassan said, "Sometimes the kafir likes to say massively obvious things in a really profound voice.

Rico laughed a little, feeling helpless. "Is your life always this...I don't know-""Tide of chaos washing ashore on the beach of what the fuck? Yesh.

What, everyone you know has been kidnapped by pirates and forced to chop octopus in a kitchen that smells like a whale's stomach?""Quite a lot of them, yes," said Trudi, who appeared to be one of those people who'd heard of sarcasm but thought it was some sort of exotic fruit like a pineapple.

Don't talk for five minutes, there's a good chap! I've a strange feeling come over me--almost as if I were going to think!

I unwrapped my love for her like one might unwrap leftovers. Gotta eat up the old stuff first, as a cannibal might say in a retirement home.

It is one thing to praise discipline, and another to submit to it.

What you call idiot points, I call awesome dollars. ~Seth

Fifth Cosmic Seal:(Liber 003 - Seal of Tuzassotama) One who has received this Cosmic Seal is mystically empowered to proclaim himself as "God, Lord, Universal Master or God-Incarnate" on earth and he controls all spirits of the occult kingdoms.

Man, it was a good thing vampires didn't get cancer. Lately he'd been chain-smoking like a felon.

Instead of playing Draw Something, fucking draw something

You is getting nosier than a parker.

Stories don't care who takes part in them. All that matters if that the story gets told, that the story repeats. Or, if you prefer to think of it like this: stories are a parasitical life form, warping lives in the service only of the story itself.

I don't want to stay here overnight,' said Harry angrily, sitting up and throwing back his covers. 'I want to find McLaggen and kill him.

The quickest way to get over something you loved and lost is to get another one.

How, exactly, did I kill him? He died on the golf course.” One minute he’d been practicing his swing, and in the next—phzzt—a freak lightning bolt had hit him right in the nine iron. His shoes were still smoking when she reached him.

Madonna's- Justify My Love, follows us into the lounge, where several men, seated at the tables, eye us like hungry lions as we walk through. Tiger asked, "So, this is a WHOREhouse?""Actually, a gay BATHhouse. I hope you don't mind that I'm a little bit of a SLUT-puppy.""MIND? NO. You're MY HERO.

Well, no, not married as such, but yes, there is a specific girl that I'm not married to.

I'd never met coffee that wasn't wonderful. It was just a matter of how wonderful it was.

For anyone of a rational disposition, fashion is often nearly impossible to fathom. Throughout many periods of history – perhaps most – it can seem as if the whole impulse of fashion has been to look maximally ridiculous. If one could be maximally uncomfortable as well, the triumph was all the greater.

I am very much out of my element here. There are moments, listening to the conversations going on around me, when I feel I am going to lose my mind. Earlier today, I heard someone say the words, "I felt at one with the divine source of creation." Mary Roach on a conducted tour of Hades. I had to fight the urge to push back my chair and start screaming: STAND BACK! ALL OF YOU! I'VE GOT AN ARTHUR FINDLAY BOX CUTTER! Instead, I quietly excused myself and went to the bar, to commune with spirits I know how to relate to.

Do you know, sire, I think that if we live to tell our grandchildren about this war, they will accuse us of making it up.' -Marielle

A gypsy girl approached Don Zana and Alfanhui and held out her tambourine. Don Zana said to her, 'You don't pay for art, kid.

Here’s one secret no one will tell you about getting laid after a date. DON’T TALK. Most girls blame either their looks or excessive timidity for their virginity. This is only true to an extent. These girls are also horribly annoying.”—Aurelia Nichols & Jillie Bean, 101 Tips to Lose Your Virginity after 25

Man is certainly stark mad; he cannot make a worm, and yet he will be making gods by dozens.

Did you wake him?""If I say yes, will you spank me?"Syn rolled his eyes. "You're horrible, Mari.

I don’t mind hot and spicy. Actually find that appealing in a girl. And chicken wings.

First things first, though, I thought, and headed straight for the liquor cabinet. Times like this call for straight scotch, no rocks.

I've accepted the fact I have mental illness but when my imaginary friends start calling me crazy that's where I draw the line

Hey, Carlos," the Professor says when he walks in. "How was REACH?""It sucked.""Can you be more specific?" my guardian asks."It really sucked," I elaborate, sarcasm dripping from every word.

Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant

...We find our greatest peace when we embrace something that gives meaning to our lives. Often, it is love for somebody or something we can give up our lives for, or somebody or something that we are sure will never betray us. That love could be for a partner, for our offspring, for a country or for a belief...

As we all know, blinking lights means science.

Finally, my watchers had to fess up. In embarrassed and genuinely polite tones, they said they had no other choice but to arrest me. Then they accompanied me to the prison across the way. As I entered, an extremely tall SS man leapt in front of me and asked: “Do you have any weapons?” “Why?” I responded. “Do I need any?

The pig was so earnest. So sincere. So very “there.” The pig brought gravity and mythic import to this well-worn fairy tale.

When your past shows up to haunt you, make sure it comes after supper so it doesn't ruin your whole day.

Well, in the first place girls never marry the men they flirt with. Girls don't think it right.

Unrequited love is so boring. Weeping under a blue-black sky is for suckers or maniacs.

I’m tired. Dead tired. So tired I can barely stay awake to write this. After helping Mr Bircher search for his head all night, I’m a little annoyed too. Dad doesn’t help. He doesn’t know what it's like for a girl my age, trying to fit in at school as much as possible, and trying to fit in all the dead people. It’s not easy being a soul helper.

Cause I'm Irish, and everyone remembers me.