Humor Quotes - Page 153

Learning the difference between God's intervention, the devil's mischief, and PMS can lead to increased happiness.

Without the door let sorrow lie,And if for cold it hap to die,We'll bury 't in a Christmas pie,And evermore be merry.

They say revenge is a dish best served cold. This isn’t correct. Revenge is a dish best served lukewarm or at room temperature (depending on the room) with a side of sauerkraut lightly sprinkled with pepper, a generous helping of golden brown roasted potatoes, and a large loaf of marble rye, washed down with any kind of unfiltered wheat beer.But whatever you do—and remember this, as it can be a matter of life or death—don’t put any sort of fruit in the beer. Fruit doesn’t belong in beer.

If the world should blow itself up, the last audible voice would be that of an expert saying it can't be done.

I'm not going to die, I'm going home like a shooting star.

I never had any doubts about my abilities. I knew I could write. I just had to figure out how to eat while doing

Whenever my mom talks too much, I say she has Pac-man of the mouth.

We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart.

Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a purpose.

If you ask me I think the greatest breakthrough each and everyone of us need is not on finance, marriage, work, relationship, own house, car but self. The first breakthrough should start from being selfish.

Hey!” I said, indignation filling me. “I’m immortal! Doesn’t that mean I won’t get saggy boobs and gray hair? Because if it doesn’t mean that, I want a refund—

Taking good care of your husband or wife is the best way to thank their parent or parents for having taken good care of them.

It doesn’t matter what temperature a room is, it’s always room temperature.

Writing is like talking to yourself, just in a way that makes it look like you're not crazy!

First of all I express sincerity. There's also that sense of humor, by which people sometimes learn to laugh about themselves. I mean, the situation is so serious that the people could go crazy because of it. They need to smile and realize how ridiculous everything is. A race without a sense of humor is in bad shape. A race needs clowns. In earlier days people knew that. Kings always had a court jester around. In that way he was always reminded how ridiculous things are. I believe that nations too should have jesters, in the congress, near the president, everywhere.....You could call me the jester of the Creator. The whole world, all the disease and misery, it's all ridiculous.

Instantly, the pair fell to groping one other as if each had puff the magic dragon at a rock concert in Woodstock.

There ya are.” Erik grinned at her as he came bounding down the steps two at a time. He stepped around his statue of a sister as if such a thing were normal. Perhaps here it was. He paused, nodding at Malina. “Morning, banshee.” He gave a small brotherly laugh and poked his thumb toward her face. “She does kind of look like a banshee with her hair flying around like that and her mouth all open. Yeah, ma froze her good. See how her eyes don’t move?” Erik leaned closer to her and grinned as he looked into her mouth. “Ha, Euann put a mint in there.

I decided that being called “crazy” by a man was not an insult but a challenge. It gives the woman an opportunity to say, “Crazy? Oh, I’ll show you fucking crazy.

Ironic, isn’t it?” Shawn said.“It’s not ironic at all,” Gus said.“Dude, it’s so like a black fly in your chardonnay.”“How many times do I have to tell you that’s not ironic, either?”“Rain on your wedding day?”“‘Irony’ is the use of words to convey a meaning that’s opposite to their literal meaning,” Gus said. “That stupid song came out fourteen years ago, and we still have this exact conversation at least once a week.”“Yeah,” Shawn said. “Ironic, isn’t it?

He who laughs last laughs the laughiest.

Of what use is my going to church every day and still come home and remain the same? Of what use is my attending the mosques and the next day I enter the mall with knives and start slaughtering people in the name of religion.God is a God of variety. He was not stupid creating all of us different with our uniqueness.His creating us different shows the level of His creativity. He didn't make you white to hate black or vice versa. He made it so that we can cherish and love each other irrespective of our differences just as He loved us with all our flaws and our short comings.Can we forgive those who have offended us? Yes and some will say no but never forget that you are not worthy but God still forgives you even till the last hour of your life.If God can love us against all our atrocities why can't we learn to love one another.Take a look around you, you can only see sad faces. Was that really God's intention for us on earth? Absolutely not. But we have remoulded God's creativity to suit our taste and lifestyles and now we are reaping the fruit of our labour. You should not expect to reap love when you sowed the seed of hatred. What a man sows that he reaps. We sowed on weapons of war and we are yielding war in return. We have sowed on weapons of destruction so why are we asking for peace.If you ask me....I will say let's go back to our source. He has never lost any battle. I am a living witness.

God I loved Sammy. I’d considered marrying him, but his wife got upset when I asked for his hand.

Gay ships are yay ships!

Is this Clarissa Fray?" The voice on the other end of the phone sounded familiar, though not immediately identifiable.Clary twirled the phone cord nervously around her finger. "Yeees?""Hi, I'm one of the knife-carrying hooligans you met last night in Pandemonium? I"m afraid I made a bad impression and was hoping you'd give me a chance to make it up to-""SIMON!" Clary held the phone away from her ear as he cracked up laughing. "That is so not funny!""Sure it is. You just don't see the humor.""Jerk." Clary sighed, leaning up against the wall.

Life is a very brief candle especially when you burn it at both ends

A horse must be a bit mad to be a good cavalry mount, and its rider must be completely so.

I knew I was in deep shit. I didn’t know how deep—just that I still hadn’t touched bottom.

There's a big difference between want and need," she muttered to herself, picking her pad and pen back up. "I mean I want a bikini body, but I need chicken nuggets.

They hate you.""Why?""Cause you're a dick, Mitch.

- Padre Peregrine, non ti comporterai mai con un po' di serietà?- No, finché il nostro Signore benedetto non farà altrettanto. Ti prego, non fare quella faccia così terribilmente scandalizzata! Il Signore non è mai troppo serio. In effetti, è difficile dire che cos'altro sia, oltre a infinito amore. E l’amore più puro è anche letizia, non ti sembra? Non puoi amare nessuno, senza andare d’accordo con lui, e non puoi andare d’accordo con chiunque in qualunque momento, a meno di non ridere di lui bonariamente. E’ vero o no? Senza dubbio noi somigliamo a buffi animaletti che si rivoltano nella coppa della marmellata, e Dio deve amarci tanto più in quanto risvegliamo il Suo senso umoristico.

The Colonel led all the cheers.Cornbread!" he screamed.CHICKEN!" the crowd responded.Rice!"PEAS!"And then, all together: "WE GOT HIGHER SATs."Hip Hip Hip Hooray!" the Colonel cried.YOU'LL BE WORKIN' FOR US SOMEDAY!

Getting drunk was good. I decided that I would always like getting drunk. It took away the obvious and maybe. If you could get away from the obvious often enough, you wouldn't become obvious yourself.

Percy?" Annabeth gripped his arm."Oh, bad," he muttered. "Bad. Bad." He looked across the table at Frank and Hazel. "You guys remember Polybotes?""The giant who invaded Camp Jupiter," Hazel said. "The anti-Poseidon you whacked in the head with a Terminus statue. Yes, I think I remember

Some writers write to forget. Some forget to write.

Why are they all staring?" demanded Albus as he and Rose craned around to look at the other students."Don’t let it worry you," said Ron. "It’s me. I’m extremely famous.

As a child, I was more afraid of tetanus shots than, for example, Dracula.

She needs tampons. Evidently it helps with this process. We have to secure the location of where they are being sold, acquire them and then get them back to my mate posthaste.

Anthony looked down at his evil clutches -- hands, he reminded himself, hands -- and grinned anew.

The best laid plans may not get you laid the way you planned.

I want to be the best race horse around when I grow up, Mama.You can be, Charlie, as long as you are willing to try your best and not give up when you have a bad day.

I hate patience. Slows everything down.

Here was a flower (the daisy reflected) strangely like itself and yet utterly unlike itself too. Such a paradox has often been the basis for the most impassioned love.

A domesticated man makes my lady parts beep!

[Hearing] was distinct from listening, which could only be achieved when hearing was combined with giving a shit.

Look at the stupid, poor people. Look at the stupid, poor, burned-out people. Look at the stupid, poor, burned-out people, look at their dead baby. It's death porn for the masses.

Feel free to look around, but being as though there aren't any people eighteen or older here, stay off the bed. I'm not allowed to get pregnant this weekend.

That's not a religion, that's Pokemon.

I quite agree with Dr. Nordau's assertion that all men of genius are insane, but Dr. Nordau forgets that all sane people are idiots.

It was supposed to say "Great Artist" on my tombstone, but if I died right now it would say "such a good teacher/daughter/friend" instead; and what I really want to shout, and want in big letters on that grave, too, is FUCK YOU ALL.

There's always a bit of suspense about the particular way in which a given school year will get off to a bad start.

Is your dog in a coma?" Quinn asked when the dog didn't move a muscle."No. Lump leads an active and demanding internal life that requires long periods of rest.

The human race can be roughly divided into two categories: ailurophiles and ailurophobes - cat lovers and the underprivileged.

Nothing in life was ever clearly drawn, obviously just, or totally emotionally satisfying, but the moment-to-moment stuff of reality featured infinitely more complication, sleaze, struggle, true beauty, unfairness, profundity, passion, and depth of consciousness than she, in her frantic struggle to be somebody other than her unspectacular self, had been previously aware of. page 302

You'd be surprised how expensive it costs to look this cheap.

One time I actually cleaned out my closet so good I ended up on the cover of Time magazine.

Be optimistic. Always put on clean underwear if you're going on a date.

You haven't been fired," Mary said with a sigh. "You always jump to the worst possible conclusion. Why on earth would you be getting f

It doesn't matter if they hate you, or embarrass you, or simply don't appreciate your genius for inventing the internet-""You invented the inte

Have some more tea, dear," Hester said, reaching for the pot and refilling my cup. "I always find that helps.

Our opponent is an alien starship packed with atomic bombs," I said. "We have a protractor.