Humor Quotes - Page 136

Blood shall drop out of wood, and the stone shall give his voice, and the people shall be troubled:

Though breastfeeding is supposed to the most natural thing ever, it seems like a rich-people sport for all the stuff we buy to help.

What in the blue star-blazes did you see in Jason?" he asked, still forcefully but with his frustration and jealousy under better control."For one thing, Djetth, he wasn't trying to kill me!"

I find that love is confusing, lust is always definitive.

When The Pyramid falls, the other cities will follow in short order. Nature's balance will be restored and Man will finally return to solitude.

The presence of crisis does not prove the absence of God. I think in time of crisis Christians should rise up and point to the world on something bigger. The crisis is an opportunity for us to proclaim to the children of darkness what we proclaim in the light.

NIHILIST, n. A Russian who denies the existence of anything but Tolstoi. The leader of the school is Tolstoi.

Part of what I love about novels and dogs is that they are so beautifully oblivious to economic concerns. We serve them, and in return they thrive. It's not their responsibility to figure out where the rent is coming from.

Fourth Cosmic Seal:(Terrestrial Seal 1330 - Seal of Ba-Vara) One who has received this Cosmic Seal (Living Grand Master of the Order of Astral and Terrestrial Hierachy) is empowered to control not less than 100,000,000 spirits and 33,000,000 demi-gods.

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the heck she is.

He hoped and prayed that there wasn't an afterlife. Then he realized there was a contradiction involved here and merely hoped that there wasn't an afterlife.

They heard the click of the mail slot and flop of letters on the doormat. "Get the mail, Dudley," said Uncle Vernon from behind his paper. "Make Harry get it.""Get the mail, Harry.""Make Dudley get it.""Poke him with your Smelting stick, Dudley.

I adore Wilkie Collins,” Tessa cried. “Oh—Armadale! And The Woman in White …Are you laughing at me?”“Not at you,” said Will, grinning, “more because of you. I’ve never seen anyone get soexcited over books before. You’d think they were diamonds.”“Well, they are, aren’t they? Isn’t there anything you love like that? And don’t say ‘spats’ or ‘lawn tennis’ or something silly.”“Good Lord,” he said with mock horror, “it’s like she knows me already.

Manners without sincerity, is called polite society

Jesus was a good guy, he didn't need this shit.

Unusual financial activity: none, unless you count the fact that someone in the family is way too into Civil War biographies. (Can this be a possible indication of Confederate insurgents still living and working in Virginia? Must research further.)

Well, don't stand about like that, man; if you're no use you're certainly no ornament. Bring that in and tell me what it says.

Generally I try to avoid discussing consciousness, since it's, like, hard.

They kill hundreds of people, those pilots. I would have loved to have flown the plane that dropped the bomb on Japan. A couple of dudes killed hundreds of thousands. That f****** rules! Yeah!

It is not over. Champions extend their limits and make things happen.

So far I had the god of evil and the god of terror on my side. My good-guy image was taking a serious beating. Maybe I should recruit some unicorns or kittens with rainbow powers to even us out.

Resentments make even the best of us feel superior.

But, of course, you might be asking yourself, 'Am I a feminist? I might not be. I don't know! I still don't know what it is! I'm too knackered and confused to work it out. That curtain pole really still isn't up! I don't have time to work out if I am a women's libber! There seems to be a lot to it. WHAT DOES IT MEAN?'I understand. So here is the quick way of working out if you're a feminist. Put your hand in your pants.a) Do you have a vagina? andb) Do you want to be in charge of it?If you said 'yes' to both, then congratulations! You're a feminist.

Well, we were always going to fail that one," said Ron gloomily as they ascended the marble staircase. He had just made Harry feel rather better by telling him how he told the examiner in detail about the ugly man with a wart on his nose in the crystal ball, only to look up and realize he had been describing the examiner's reflection.

I steal from the rich to give to myself.

Everyone wants a Christmas tree. If you had a Christmas tree Santa would bring you stuff! Like hair curlers and slut shoes.

Friends don't menace friends with giant terrifying swords, okay?

I escape disaster by writing a poem with a joke in it:The past, present, and future walk into a bar—it was tense.

There must be a mistake," I said. He adjusted his bag on his shoulder. "That's a creative name. What do you shorten it to? Missy?

I was young once and slender and pretty and I made the most of it. It's somebody else's turn now.

But Princess Magnolia wore glass slippers on weekdays. Princess Magnolia was afraid of snails. Sunlight made Princess Magnolia sneeze. And at the moment, the Princess in Black was hog-tying a monster.

I think I would scream too if someone violently jammed a big ass breast in my mouth.

You are going to love the sports here. Snow skiing and water-skiing and rock climbing and all kinds of extreme sports. I give you full permission to hurl yourself off stuff.

Graduating from the School of Hard Knocks doesn't always get you to Fort Knox.

Senator John Kyle claiming that over 90 percent of what Planned Parenthood does is abortion.Stephen Colbert: Over 90 percent, that is unbelievable...in that it is not true. Only 3 percent of what Planned Parenthood does is abortion. Kyle just rounded it up to the nearest 90.

It is amazing what you can accomplish if you do not care who gets the blame

Your….your bat cave?” Emily responded.“Yes, I’m quite proud of it. I put those visiting Boy Scouts to good use building bat houses, and now I’ve got dozens of them lining the walls of my tool shed.” She ran a hand down her long, witchy hair. “Bat houses, I mean. Not Boy Scouts. I don’t have any Boy Scouts in my shed.” She looked around, and Ryan couldn’t help but wonder if anyone might indeed be missing a Boy Scout.

You should assume the mantle of your birthright.

We call talking about other people’s personal lives ‘gossip’ only if we aren’t or weren’t part of the conversation.

Immortality is the new twenty!

Once I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: "No good in a bed, but fine up against a wall.

You will be very visible in the company photo, also the website and any other marketing materials. There's no way to avoid it. The photo will only be scheduled when you are in the office, so don't try pretending to be sick. They'll wait for you.

To be really mediæval one should have no body. To be really modern one should have no soul. To be really Greek one should have no clothes.

Some people masturbate to temporarily replace their partners when they are absent, whereas some people do that to temporarily live in the present.

My mother had tried to fool me into thinking I was a natural beauty, and I’d believed her for a little while, that is, until I moved to the land of beautiful people.

Look, cat, you and I are never going to be friends. She’s going tocall you Max, but I’m going to call you Shit Head. And if you think forone second—” The cat lies down in a tight little ball of nastiness andfalls asleep. “Oh, please. Make yourself at home by sleeping on myscrotum.” I peek out into the sitting room area that connects to thefour bedrooms, and then glance back at the kitten. Releasing a sigh ofdiscontent, I pet Shit Head with one finger. He purrs extra hard, andI find myself wondering if I could train him to do things. Every heroneeds a sidekick, and I’m nothing if not a Grade-A Hero. - Dante Walker

She led him past the engine room, which looked like a very dangerous, mechanized jungle gym, with pipes and pistons and tubes jutting from a central bronze sphere. Cables resembling giant metal noodles snaked across the floor and ran up the walls. “How does that thing even work?” Percy asked. “No idea,” Annabeth said. “And I’m the only one besides Leo who can operate it.”“That’s reassuring.”“It should be fine. It’s only threatened to blow up once.”“You’re kidding, I hope.”She smiled. “Come on.

Bullshit is the glue that binds us as a nation.

I’ve always wondered though,” Orn mused aloud, “what does God need with a starship?”“Are you going to make that stupid quip every time we pass a missionary ship?”“Until they learn a new position.

Author is the prisoner of his thoughts .

If God exists, I hope he has a good excuse.

Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.

I don't eat food, I eat fat.

Don't ever trust men with good intentions. They'll always disappoint you."Leo

Groupies will give you Chlamydia, Edward.”“Right, Virg. Groupies throw underwear on stage. They don’t throw flowers.

Ask me if I sparkle and I’ll kill you where you stand.” (Bones)

I had a dream about you last night.We moved into a cabin in the countryside.I couldn't handle the spiders.You couldn't handle my drama.I moved back to the city.

But it's the science of the stars!""She thinks it's Satanic. You gave her daughter a pentagram.""It's a natal chart, duh. You can't let ignorance trump science here, Miss Mary!

To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funnybone.

Please note, I am not suggesting that illicit drugs are required to break down social barriers.