Humor Quotes - Page 135

When you get a thing the way you want it, leave it alone.

If you want to know the Correct term for me, I'm a Dark-Hunter."Nick digested that word slowly. "Which means what? You hunt darkness?""Yes, Nick. That's exactly what I do. There's just not enough of it." Now, there was some sarcasm you could cut with a knife.

Oh, well, faint heart never won so much as a scrap of paper

Love is worth dying for, said the spermatozoid.

I ordered a single espresso because I wanted a drink I could hook up with.

Hey, aren’t you that girl from the web?” the new one asked, bending to suck my earing between his teeth. I pulled my head away. “You got the wrong girl.”Mr. Hawaii pulled back to take a better look at me. “No, I think you might be.” To my total bewilderment, he spun me around. “Hey! What are you—?”“Hey, it is you!” he yelled excitedly, drawing the attention of the crowd. “Hey, everyone, it’s Cheeky Galore!

I once sent a dozen of my friends a telegram saying 'flee at once - all is discovered.' They all left town immediately.

If you know what life really wants, and if you know what you really want, you can begin to create the relationship.

We are gods with anuses.

The arrogant man probably thought his path to heaven was already assured, and that he acted in accordance to God’s will just by breathing.

Damn,' someone behind me says. 'I was hoping we would get to scrape some Stiff pancake off the pavement later.

Love is poached eggs and the Sunday newspaper and slow, hard sex.

Every morning when I wake up, I experience an exquisite joy —the joy of being Salvador Dalí— and I ask myself in rapture: What wonderful things is this Salvador Dalí going to accomplish today?

Wisdom of the Ages: "The Pope and Congress" It looks as if confidence in the American voter to exorcise the demons in the Capitol has completely fallen through.

A lady decidedly. Fast? perhaps. Original? undoubtedly. Worth knowing? rather.

Facebook has been spreading across the continents faster than a highly contagious Asian bird flu!

There are many good things about getting older, but no one knows what they are.

The only French word I know is oui, which means “yes,” and only recently did I learn it’s spelled o-​u-​i and not w-​e-​e.

So when people see me walking on the street, they feel like we're old pals. Women pull my cheeks and men clap me on the shoulder; I'm like a petting zoo. But movie stars, on the other hand, are much more untouchable. Those are people that you watch from afar. They're regal lions. I'm a friendly goat.

Along with voting, jury duty, and paying taxes, goofing off is one of the central obligations of American citizenship. So when my friends Joel and Stephen and I play hooky from our jobs in the middle of the afternoon to play Pop-A-Shot in a room full of children, I like to think we are not procrastinators; we are patriots pursuing happiness.

The creative process is a love story that never ends. The ideas are like suitors competing for your attention. You may have relationships, with multiple ideas, at once. You may devote yourself completely to one idea, for a awhile, but the affairs will never end. There will always be more ideas to romance and more concepts to develop. And all for that wonderful moment when you get to gaze at the complete creation and hold perfection in your arms, for one blissful moment... before your inner-critic starts tearing it to shreds.

I always find that if I sit down, a solution presents itself!

Terrorism is just a whole other level of anger management issues.

She’s a mixed-breed and not the least bit aggressive. She decided long ago she wanted to be a pet dog, not a guard dog. I think that’s another reason why that man wanted to get rid of her. I’ve never understood all this fascination with aggressiveness. It’s like an epidemic. People don’t just want aggressive dogs, they want to be aggressive themselves.

Written on her tombstone: "I told you I was sick.

Hey, Rosalie? Do you know how to drown a blonde? Stick a mirror to the bottom of a pool.

The world economy would collapse if a significant number of people were to realize and then act on the realization that it is possible to enjoy many if not most of the things that they enjoy without first having to own them.

Are you okay with what we ordered?” Angeline asked him. “You didn’t pipe up with any requests.” Neil shook his head, face stoic. He kept his dark hair in a painfully short and efficient haircut. It was the kind of no-nonsense thing the Alchemists would’ve loved. “I can’t waste time quibbling over trivial things like pepperoni and mushrooms. If you’d gone to my school in Devonshire, you’d understand. For one of my sophomore classes, they left us alone on the moors to fend for ourselves and learn survival skills. Spend three days eating twigs and heather, and you’ll learn not to argue about any food coming your way.” Angeline and Jill cooed as though that was the most rugged, manly thing they’d ever heard. Eddie wore an expression that reflected what I felt, puzzling over whether this guy was as serious as he seemed or just some genius with swoon-worthy lines.

I love sleep. I need sleep. We all do, of course. There are those people that don't need sleep. I think they're called 'successful.

Mom has a massive sunflower for a soul so big there's hardly any room in her for organs. Jude and me have one soul between us that we have to share: a tree with its leaves on fire. And Dad has a plate of maggots for his.

I wanted to stay this way forever.Which, it turns out, was exactly five more minutes.

People ask me all the time, "Where do your ideas come from?" So, to clear up this question...I keep my ideas inside the mind of a tiny man who is tied up in my closet!

Insanity is doing the same thing, over and over again, but expecting different results.

I don't deserve any credit for turning the other cheek as my tongue is always in it.

Her sculptured face was as perfect as a painting.

After discovering him in his threesome, I spent the next two weeks in bed suffering from a severe case of vagina elbow. It's a condition not unlike tennis elbow, but you get it from masturbating.

When you are unemployed, weekends are seven days long.

Is thyselves even a word?

See, that’s just it…You shouldn’t even know sayings like that,” I griped. “It takes normal people years to pick up on all those little phrases. Do you have any idea how stupid I feel, when I can’t even say ‘Hello, my name is Palta…Oh, and by the way—I’m the village idiot.’?

Satire is enjoyable compensation for being forced to think.

Believe me, It would be better if we didn't meet again. Go back to school. Go back to your life. And next time they ask you, say no. Killing is for grown-ups and you're still a child.

I could have blamed it on the intoxication of youth. Others might find fault on just intoxication. My parents would say that it was an act of plain stupidity. Reality would point out that it was Thursday night at college and the youth are prone to err.

When forced to leave my house for an extended period of time, I take my typewriter with me, and together we endure the wretchedness of passing through the X-ray scanner. The laptops roll merrily down the belt, while I’m instructed to stand aside and open my bag. To me it seems like a normal enough thing to be carrying, but the typewriter’s declining popularity arouses suspicion and I wind up eliciting the sort of reaction one might expect when traveling with a cannon.It’s a typewriter,’ I say. ‘You use it to write angry letters to airport security.

If you have to worry about a man, he's not worth worrying about.

He knew in that moment that falling in love with her would destroy him, and so he decided at once that he would do his damnedest to despise her.

Doing business without advertising is like winking at a girl in the dark. You know what you are doing but nobody else does.

If you were anyone else, your nuts would be taking a long vacation, and the destination would be out of your mouth

It is no wonder lesbians love women.

Ah, Proph." Tom paused. "You did have a nightmare last night.""And here I thought maybe I dreamed it," Prophet muttered sarcastically.

I went into a forest into a plain, and the trees took counsel- And said, Come, let us go and make war against the sea that it may depart away before us, and that we may make us more woods. The floods of the sea also in like manner took counsel, and said, Come, let us go up and subdue the woods of the plain, that there also we may make us another country. The thought of the wood was in vain, for the fire came and consumed it. The thought of the floods of the sea came likewise to nought, for the sand stood up and stopped them. If thou wart judge now betwixt these two, whom would thou begin to justify? or whom would thou condemn?

I want a new liver to replace my heart.""Um, why?""Because then I could drink more and care less.

If I feel the urge to burst into flames, I'll let you know," Simon was getting fed up. "Look, did you actually ask me to come all the way uptown just so you could stare at me like I'm something in a petrie dish? Next time I'll send you a photo.""And I'll frame it and put it on my nightstand," Jace said, but he didn't sound as if his heart was in the sarcasm. "Look, I asked you here for a reason, not to stare at you. Much as I hate to admit it, vampire, we have something in common.""Totally awesome hair?" Simon suggested

If you KNOW that you’re FUCKED Then you’re NOT If you think that you’re NOT THEN YOU ARE!Isn’t that lovely? Iambic pentangle?

You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named "Bush", "Dick", and "Colin." Need I say more?

White people are drawn to farmer’s markets like moths to a flame. In fact, white people have such strong instincts that ifyou release a white person into a random Saturday morning they will return to you with a reusable bag full of fruits and vegetables.

She gave him a strange maternal grin.For the first time, clearly, the thought surfaced in Paul Sheldon’s mind: I am introuble here. This woman is not right.

The satisfying sound of bone giving way, as well as his outraged cry, made the you-had-it-coming-asshole angles sing.

Rule number 2 - don't listen to me!" Arriane laughed, "I'm certifiably insane!

I love winter. The bugs are dead, and the people are indoors.

Nice to be born in this universe. Thanks dad and mom.