Humor Quotes - Page 133

When God made man she was practicing.

Give it up to God,” they’d say, or “He won’t give you more than you can handle.” Fuck that. He preferred to just stay here and kill things.

I love new clothes. If everyone could just wear new clothes everyday, I reckon depression wouldn’t exist anymore.

I know every guy here, and they’re all pretty much jerks.

Are you sure you weren't adopted?""Mom would like to think so, but it was a natural birth, so her memory's real clear.

Like I tell our kids, 'Your Mom isn't always right and I'm not always right. But together, WE'RE ALWAYS right!

In dealing with us, God always starts with our motives. What do you want for the people? What does God wants for his people? What do you want Him to do for you; that's is a starting place.

Delia was an overbearing cake with condescending frosting, and frankly, I was on a diet.

Whenever you feel like feeling like a devil's advocate, Bible-thump. That, in a worldly world, is the great irony and satire of evangelism.

You walk a fine line between beautifully macabre and uncharacteristically psychotic.

I look up to say something but he puts his finger to my lips and whispers, “Don’t talk. You’ll just spoil my fantasy of rescuing an innocent damsel in distress as soon as you open your mouth.

Europe, the land of easy mathematics where he who works adds up and he who retires subtracts. The land where the economy gets to stagger all over the continent.

The main causes for divorceare marriages.

Cabel gives her a quizzical look. "I am totally not getting enough attention here.

If you have the woman you love, what more do you need? Well, besides an alibi for the time of her husband’s murder.

JACKYour duty as a gentleman calls you back. ALGERNONMy duty as a gentleman has never interfered with my pleasures in the smallest degree.

We all understand the value of sacrifice, even if that only involves setting aside dessert so as to lose weight, or putting money in the bank so as to later buy a house. Progress or achievement in any arena requires choices that often oppose what one feels like doing. The trick in truly succeeding with this in the long run is locating enough depth of feeling that the experience of conflicting desires dissolves. For that to happen, one has to learn how to think emotionally and physiologically.

Yo soy carne muerta. Translation: I am dead meat.

Har. Bloody. Har.

For someone who'e smarter than a supercomputer, sometimes you're a real idiot.

The ideal home: big enough for you to hear the children, but not very well.

It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.

We're authors. We're more than a little unstable.

After a certain point, all natural bodily changes are for the worst.

Bookshop Customer: 'Who wrote the bible?'Customer's friend: 'Jesus.

If chance be the Father of all flesh, Disaster is his rainbow in the sky, And when you hear State of Emergency! Sniper Kills Ten! Troops on Rampage! Whites go Looting! Bomb Blasts School! It is but the sound of man worshiping his maker.

Interesting how fashion is cyclical,” Jaccob said when she came out of the store with two black plastic bags. “Goth was the look when I was young, too.” “It’s not a look,” Chuck said. “I’m just wearing my feelings on the outside.” “Uh huh.” His phone buzzed. “Hang on a second." He rolled up his sleeve to check his HUD, but the call hadn’t come through there. Huh. He had to pick up his phone and check the read-out, which listed a phone number: an old school page. “That’s funny…” “Dad, you’re doing that thing again,” Chuck said. “What thing?” Jaccob asked. “That thing where you have to check every single doohickey you carry around.” “I am not.” Jaccob took his hand out of his coat pocket, where he’d been reaching to check his police scanner or music player (he hadn’t decided which to use first).

Some people would say it's a bad idea to bring a fire-spider into a public library. Those people would probably be right, but it was better than leaving him alone in the house for nine hours straight. The one time I tried, Smudge had expressed his displeasure by burning through the screen that covered his tank, burrowing into my laundry basket, and setting two weeks' worth of clothes ablaze.

You're not eating anything," said Marilla sharply, eying her as if it were a serious shortcoming. Anne sighed. I can't. I'm in the depths of despair. Can you eat whenyou are in the depths of despair?"I've never been in the depths of despair, so I can't say," responded Marilla. Weren't you? Well, did you ever try to IMAGINE you were inthe depths of despair?"No, I didn't."Then I don't think you can understand what it's like. It's very uncomfortable a feeling indeed.

Life is tough, then you die.

Some humans would do anything to see if it was possible to do it. If you put a large switch in some cave somewhere, with a sign on it saying 'End-of-the-World Switch. PLEASE DO NOT TOUCH', the paint wouldn't even have time to dry.

So the owner of a monster head wants to meet on a path named Nut,” I said. “That’s appropriate.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

Wonders happen either way. With you or without you.

The love of books is among the choicest gifts of the gods.

You, Ms. Lane, are a menace to others! A walking, talking catastrophe in pink!

The inner dimension and the hidden time have already been discovered.

She cannot: but must do it by distance of time.

Which is your bad shoulder?"His brows knit together. "The left," he said carefully.She slugged him in the right.He staggered. Steadied himself. Grinned. "Is that like some weird Wyoming mating ritual thing I should know about?""Damn you," she cried, flying into his arms. Finally. "Damn you, damn you, damn you!"He wrapped his arms around her, held her tight. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry I was such a coward.

You've got to have, like, a lentil for a soul to hate wiener dogs.

I always pass on good advice. It is the only thing to do with it. It is never of any use to oneself.

Be sure to lie to your kids about the benevolent, all-seeing Santa Claus. It will prepare them for an adulthood of believing in God.

Ford Prefect suppressed a little giggle of evil satisfaction, realized that he had no reason to suppress it, and laughed out loud, a wicked laugh.

Life is All About How you Handle Plan BPlan A is always my first choice.You know, the one whereEverything works out to beHappily ever-after.But more often than not,I find myself dealing withThe upside-down, inside-out version --Where nothing goes as it should.It's at this point that the realTest of my character comes in..Do I sink, or do I swim?Do I wallow in self pity and play the victim,Or simply shift gearsAnd make the best of the situation?The choice is all mine...Life is all about how you handle Plan B.

They say everything looks better with odd numbers of things. But sometimes I put even numbers—just to upset the critics.

wouldn't you like to make sure all those millions you give to Uncle Sam went to schools and hospitals instead of nuclear warheads?'As a matter of fact, he would. Playgrounds for big kids, preschool programs to little ones, and mandatory LASIK surgery for NFL refs.

A jaw like a mastiff's, a frame like a giant's, eyes like two daggers, a smile like a tiger's snarl,"Bernard murmured."Aye, he is all that!!" Master Herbert said."A murrain be on him! And when I came to him,what did I do? I did bow in all politeness, yet stiffly withal to show him I'd not brook his surliness.""I did hear ye did bow so low that your head came below your knees,"Bernard said.

They have been having sex for eighteen months now (he realizes he has to make himself stop counting, as if his sexual life is a prison term, and he is working toward its completion).

Another night then,' Mom said. 'Maybe on the weekend we can have a barbecue and invite your sister.' 'Or,' I said turning to Rafe, 'if you want to skip the whole awkward meet-the-family social event you could just submit your life story including your view on politics religion and every social issue imaginable along with anything else you think they might need to conduct a thorough background check.' Mom sighed. 'I really don't know why we even bother trying to be subtle around you.' 'Neither do I. It's not like he isn't going to realize he's being vetted as daughter-dating material.' Rafe grinned. 'So we are dating.' 'No. You have to pass the parental exam first. It'll take you awhile to compile the data. They'd like it in triplicate.' I turned to my parents. 'We have Kenjii. We have my cell phone. Since we aren't yet officially dating I'm sure you'll agree that's all the protection we need.' Dad choked on his coffee.

If a man can't love you for who you are, he's not worth The Dior Gloss.

Banks are the temples of America. This is a holy war. Our economy is our religion.

Happiness is not giddiness or some overly inflated sense of being.

There are moments, Jeeves, when one asks oneself, 'Do trousers matter?'""The mood will pass, sir.

It was 5:30 in the morning, and Wally’s coffee maker was just completing its automated process, yielding its much appreciated nectar for Richard’s consumption. He filled the biggest cup he could find two-thirds of the way up, and then opened the cabinet, selecting an espresso shot from the shelf. It proclaimed in bright red letters: “WARNING HIGH CAFFIENE. LIMIT 2 PER DAY”. Richard laughed a little as he dumped four of them into his coffee

I'm the warlock who's here to cure you. Didn't they tell you I was coming?"

Some disabled people spend a significant amount of their energy on trying to come across as abled or as not that disabled.

To fit the individual to live and to function in the institutional life of his day.

…so that’s why I’m pleased to announce my endorsement of Sarah Palin for President in 2016: because you know that whoever gets elected is going to fuck you over. So why not vote for somebody that you actually want to get fucked by?

Yes, Harry Potter!” said Dobby at once, his great eyes shining with excitement. “And if Dobby does it wrong, Dobby will throw himself off the topmost tower, Harry Potter!”“There won’t be any need for that,” said Harry hastily.

So please, oh please, we beg, we pray,Go throw your TV set away,And in its place you can installA lovely bookshelf on the wall.Then fill the shelves with lots of books.