Humor Quotes - Page 126

Welcome to Telepathics Anonymous. Don’t bother introducing yourself.

...it seems to me that sometimes-or perhaps I might venture most of the time-occurrences have no cause at all. New stars appear and old ones vanish. Short hats become popular again. Things are as they are and do as they please for absolutely no reason at all.

Can you even have human nature if you don’t have the capacity to feel?” I ask. “Do you mean on some kind of existentialist ‘what are we if not the things we feel’ kind of way?” I don’t know what he means by existentialist. I say as much. He laughs. I entertain the idea of stabbing him for several minutes.

Like a welcome summer rain, humor may suddenly cleanse and cool the earth, the air and you.

According to the U.S. Census Bureau, a family is defined as two or more people living together who are related by birth, marriage or adoption. In other words, the U.S. Census Bureau is run by radical leftists. Why do you think there's a whole category for the unemployed?

Oh hell no,” he exclaimed, shaking his head. “I’m not playing Buffy the goddamn Vampire Slayer with you.

Personally I think there is no doubt that sub-atomic energy is available all around us, and that one day man will release and control its almost infinite power. We cannot prevent him from doing so and can only hope that he will not use it exclusively in blowing up his next door neighbour. (1936)

Girls. Jesus Christ. They can drive you crazy. - Holden Caulfield

You're an idiot.""I've never claimed to be otherwise.

The panther prowled around me in a loose, wide circle. Its mouth turned down, almost in a pout, and it seemed disappointed that I wasn't going to run away. Or scream, at the very least. Its tail, which was at least three feet long, twitched back and forth in what seemed to be annoyance. Or maybe anticipation. I didn't know. I'd always been more of a dog person.I cleared my throat, and the panther stopped and flicked up one of its rounded ears. Listening."Um, nice kitty?

We who think we are about to die will laugh at anything.

Young people, however, tend to ignore the customs of their elders. Adolescent rebellion has been responsible for all manner of absurd costumes. The more ridiculous a certain fashion is, the more adolescents will cling to it.

Leo couldn't help smiling. "That could be fun.""Fun" she said unhappily."Blue elephants.""Blue elephants.""Kiss me you fool.""You fool.

If you still believe that aliens would travel hundreds of light years to carve temporary graffiti in our wheat, then your imagination is one of the seven wonders of the world, and should be bronzed.

When the bishop farted we were amused to hear about it. Should the ploughboy find treasure we must be told. But when the ploughboy farts... er... keep it to yourself.

Turns out all it takes to bring enemies to peace is a bigger enemy.

Scientists need to invent a way to make DNA work like in cartoons.

It's not that there is more stupidity. It just has more intrusive ways of presenting itself. It used to be, you could be near an idiot and you wouldn't know it. With today's advances, that's less likely.

I’ve lowered my character with a great deal of unwholesome reading material.

I was wasting my life, always thinking about myself.

I wouldn't marry Giddon to save my life," Katsa said. "Not even to save yours.""Well." Raffin's eyes were full of laughter. "I'd leave that part out.

Nothing makes sense, not that much of the world ever did." Quote from the book: "UnHoly Pursuit: The Devil on My Trail.

You never know what the vodka will bring,” I laughed.“Oh, like the time you caught my hair on fire at the candlelight party in Mel’s basement! That was the craziest thing that I ever had happen to me. If you hadn’t switched to water, I would have been bald!”-Cora, Nessa

NASA spent millions of dollars inventing the ball-point pen so they could write in space. The Russians took a pencil.

The difficulty with humorists is that they will mix what they believe with what they don’t—whichever seems likelier to win an effect.

Or the woman in front of me in the security line who asked if they would put her cat, Dave, through the luggage X-ray machine because she wanted to see if he'd eaten a necklace.

What?" Jace was still staring at her as if she'd told him she'd found one of the Silent Brothers doing nude cartwheels in the hallway.

In this dirty minded world, you are either someone's wife or someone's whore. And if you're not either people think there is something wrong with you....but there is nothing wrong with me

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.

I've given her signs! I've given her plenty of signs. What does she want me to do? Slap him across the face with my glove, and challenge him to pistols at dawn?

Good,’ he said. ‘Cause Maggie’s all the nightmare I can take.’I smiled. ‘Gus, I never knew you dreamed of me.’He gave me a one-fingered salute.

I'm convinced that Theoretical Physicist is just another way of saying BS Artist.

Probably no purer incitement to hatred existed, Lydia had found, than being told of anyone or anything: you will love him, her or it. The spirit immediately rose up like a fanged cobra.

You can take the barbarian out of the tavern, but he can take the blood out of your body.

America is now wholly given over to a damned mob of scribbling women, and I should have no chance of success while the public taste is occupied with their trash--and should be ashamed of myself if I did succeed. What is the mystery of these innumberable editions of The Lamplighter (by Maria Susanna Cummins), and other books neither better nor worse? Worse they could not be, and better they need not be, when they sell by the hundred thousand.

Freddie experienced the sort of abysmal soul-sadness which afflicts one of Tolstoy's Russian peasants when, after putting in a heavy day's work strangling his father, beating his wife, and dropping the baby into the city's reservoir, he turns to the cupboards, only to find the vodka bottle empty.

Emma, okay, enough with the singing. Mommy's getting a three-pill headache.

He dropped the joint in the dirt and ran inside. It wasn't his first, and wouldn't be his last. The joint, that is. Not the kid. He was pretty sure, at this point, that he would never have sexual relations with his wife again.

Words are a weapon, and rotten kids like Tyler Jones get a free pass when it comes to using them because the marks they leave are invisible. Why don't more adults realize that?

See, they say it’s ‘survival of the fittest’, but you and I really know that it’s ‘survival of the most heavily armed

I think preconceived ideas or prejudgments are meant to give us an edge whenever we are dealing with others we don’t know or haven’t made the effort to understand.

That's your mom, right?" Pathik smiled. "She looks nicer than she did when she was dragging you away the other night.

Maple thought optimistically that human beings, on their good days, weren't much dimmer than sheep. Or at least, not much dimmer than dim sheep.

Nightmares did come true. Because, after her second night of major loving with the man of her dreams, the absolute last person she ever wanted to see was her mother. Yet there she was, her small, hefty frame trundling up the stairs to Maira’s front door.She was so frozen with horror, she couldn’t move until she heard the doorbell ring.Don’t answer it. Maybe she’ll go away.Well, that was just stupid.

Babe!

What I remember most clearly is how it felt. I’d just finished painting a red fire engine-like the one I often walked past near my grandparents’ house. Suddenly the teachers, whose names I've long forgotten, closed in on my desk. They seemed unusually impressed, and my still dripping fire engine was immediately and ceremoniously pinned up. I don’t know what they might have said, but their unexpected attention and having something I’d made given a place of honor on the wall created an overwhelming and totally unfamiliar sense of pride inside me. I loved that feeling, and I wanted to feel it again and again. That desire, I suppose, was the beginning of my career. tI have no idea where my fire engine painting ended up, but I never forgot the basic layout. Several decades later, it served as the inspiration for this sketch for an illustration in a book called Why the chicken crossed the Road.

I suggest you give up now. According to my research, in a vampire-werewolf love triangle, the vampire always gets the girl.

You can hear my dreams? God, you must never get any quiet. I'd be shooting myself in the head if I were you.

I have always understood that money made in the patent medicine business is a practical bar to social success.

I don't mind foreigners. God save the queen!" he squeaked and ran.

Being a geological formation gives you a lot of time to think. Also, I subscribed to a number of learned journals.

Matty just rolled his eyes and walked over to his older brother. "Why is it when everyone thinks they're on their death bed, they suddenly find Jesus?"Jayne shrugged and replied, "Because that's where he likes to hang out?

Don't worry, boss,” HARV said. “I get the feeling that this is only the tip of the iceberg of complications.”“HARV, you’re a machine. You don’t get feelings.”“Would it make you feel better if I said I've done a numerical analysis on the probabilities and the results are skewed toward you having more problems with this case?

They never let you live it down. One little mistake!"- Nero

The bracelet and the first charm appeared the day I punched Austin Jackson in the nose. I didn't mean to slug him. His face just got in my way. It was a bruising end to a disastrous first month in middle school.

Two puzzles that cannot be solved:The miracle of birth and misery of death.

The only thing which really seemed to pay off in life, if you went by Mary Pedersen's example, was sleeping with your superiors.

You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.

So, Mr. Mandrake, what is it you plan to do with me this evening?” I asked haughtily. “I presume,” he said, playing along, “that I will start with feeding you proper and then proceed with more…pestiferous acts.”I smiled through the confusion. I’d have to look up that word later.

I think that as a species we’ve played at being the self-indulgent, spoiled adolescent way too long, and now there are permanent damages and absolute risks that most people are ignoring.