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Humor Quotes - Page 12

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Unearth marvels as you walk the path,Stand in awe,Therein is the joy of life.
Barbara Neville
You have a very attractive revenge streak in you. I like it. A lot.” ~Maggie Mae Castro to FBI Special Agent Clive Poole
Beth Yarnall
Jocks usually aren't smart. Their muscles feast on their brains.
Katie McGarry
New from Ronco, the Zomb-Matic adjustable dead. Choose how much of uncle Willy comes back to eat you!!! People like it when they have some control over how quickly they are consumed by guilt, or a dead loved one...
Neil Leckman
Do you know what happens when you play a country song backwards? You get your wife back, your dog back and your job back.
Richard Belzer
It's the perfect solution. We argue all the time. We can't stand each other. It's like we're already married.
Lisa Kleypas
Sierra, it's Christmastime. Put a stupid mistletoe over his head and kiss him already!
Jay Asher
I'm sorry. I use my rapier wit to hide my inner pain.
Cassandra Clare
Ever notice that phrenologists have funny-shaped heads?
The Covert Comic
All right people, listen up! If you've got a family back home waiting for you or if you just want to save your own skin, turn around and walk away. Also, women! I have no intention of fighting any women!
Hiromu Arakawa
Pan took the joke good-naturedly, probably deciding it wasn't a good idea to argue with a fifteen-year-old who had just pulled two people up ten feet.
Grace Anthony
I had a dream about you; you were a zombie in a post-apocalyptic world. I was the only human left, you tried to bite me and I said no. We became good friends.
Rodney Jenkins
I was sorry to have my name mentioned as one of the great authors, because they have a sad habit of dying off. Chaucer is dead, Spencer is dead, so is Milton, so is Shakespeare, and I’m not feeling so well myself.
Mark Twain
Many are they that rise up against you. Many there be which say of your soul, ‘’There is no help for you.’’ But the instruments of death is prepared for your cause.
Compton Gage
LET ME IN LET ME IN LET ME INLET ME IN LET ME IN LET ME INLET ME IN LET ME IN LET ME INLET ME IN LET ME IN LET ME INLET ME IN LET ME I-Oh, uh, helloI did not expect an answerI did not expect an entranceI did not expect this room to be so unbelievably dullSo, uh, goodbye
Francesco Marciuliano
I finally decided what I want to be when I grow up - late.
Brian Spellman
Don't go looking for boys in the darkThey will say pretty things thenleave you with scars.Do go looking for boys in the parkFor that is where the true gentlemen are.
Anna Godbersen
Sometimes I don't even know why I'm writing what I'm writing...I'm just following these people around and taking notes.
P. Anastasia
Jesus girls! Wake up! If a guy wants to drain you of your energy, emotions, and life force he won’t sparkle in the sunshine, he’ll just marry you.
Nick Shamhart
I was supposed to be waiting up here when you got back, only your Phoenix lot got in the way...”“Yes, they do that,” said Dumbledore.
J.K. Rowling
Count Olaf sounds like an awful person. I hope he is torn apart by wild animals someday. Wouldn't that be satisfying?
Lemony Snicket
The difference between your crazy and my crazy is that you don't think you're crazy.
Steve Maraboli
In a manner of speaking. As we intend for you to found a dynasty. And that dynasty will rule society until it has progressed enough to-""Overthrow the dynasty in a revolutionary, blood filled coup!" Iggy said eagerly.We all looked at him."Just saying." He sheepishly took a bite of cookie.
James Patterson
Have you made any other friends since we've been here?"I gave him the death stare. "Yes, actually.""Who? I want a name.""Jamie Roth.""The Ebola kid? I heard he's a little unstable.""That was one incident.
Michelle Hodkin
She had a highly developed sense of humor which in some lights looked a bit like a sense of justice.
Catherynne M. Valente
The ability to remain constant, whole and playful, even while working technically, concentrating and upholding urgency, is essential to achieve a state of balance that will allow for this to happen. This has to come to life, and cannot stay just an idea or hope or intention or imitation, or ignored. The guarantee and proof that this balance and power is real is in its actualization. That is, that it manifests in functional reality. As in any intention, whether that be vague or specific, an ambition or desire, a goal or state of being, a question or hope, a curiosity or purpose, there exist natural and unnatural obstacles to its realization.
Darrell Calkins
They say that 'Guns don't kill people, people kill people.' Well I think the gun helps. If you just stood there and yelled BANG, I don't think you'd kill too many people.
Eddie Izzard
I was compared to Charles Bukowski yesterday. It was the best and worst compliment I've ever gotten.
Rosa Sophia
For a sane person to sincerely be happy that someone has succeeded, they have to either be profiting or likely to profit from that person’s success, or be that person.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Jesus!" Luke exclaimed."Actually, it's just me," said Simon. "Although I've been told the resemblance is startling.
Cassandra Clare
When presented with a member of the opposite sex, some of us get numbers and some of us throw up.
Daria Snadowsky
As I watched the sky morph shades of amber and amethyst, of fiery orange and smoldering pink, I always wondered if colors and images like these once inspired the greats before us to construct their beauty and masterpieces.
Hubert Martin
Something you killed didn't stay dead? Wow. That must have really put some termites in your coffin.
Christopher Farnsworth
People don't deserve the restraint we show by not going into delirium in front of them.
Louis-Ferdinand Céline
Hell may have all the best composers, but heaven has all the best choreographers.
Neil Gaiman
Just as I had long suspected, a person didn't really need math for anything anyway. Maybe some people did. Some limited people.
Augusten Burroughs
How long have you been a Wiccan?''A what?''A pagan. A witch.''I'm not a witch,' I said, glancing out the door. 'I'm a wizard.'Sanya frowned. 'What is the difference?''Wizard has a Z'He looked at me blankly.'No one appreciates me.' I muttered.
Jim Butcher
Wynter's Pass was a picturesque region in the north of Vohlfhein, where the Bleak Hills eventually collapsed into the Frozen Sea. From the back of Mr. Buckles, who had been on a slow trot since sunrise, Monch watched the light glisten off of the frozen branches of the evergreens. As the sun warmed the frozen ground, sending the evening's frost into retreat, Monch absorbed the splendor of it all and wondered how expensive the local real estate must be around here. He then contemplated attempting to find an agent that would represent his interests well."This land is such a spectacular wonder," the Lion of Ahriman declared. "It would be very much sought after if they could just do something about the bears, the White Orts, the wolves, the bloodthirsty cannibals, the snow manapés, the frost wizards, the northern bandit gangs, the dire lynxes, the similarly sounding but not related pygmy bloodthirsty cannibals, the demon possessed yaks, the dead-soul animated trees, the..." Monch paused for a moment."It just occurred to me that this land is really not safe at all. It seems almost everything in it wants to kill me," the Templar admitted.
D.F. Monk
He kissed the corner of her lips before whispering by her ear, “And that was just my hand, love.
Michelle M. Pillow
No, thanks," said Harry. "The toilet's never had anything as horrible as your head down it— it might be sick." Then he ran, before Dudley could work out what he'd said.
J.K. Rowling
Sons, any man who is considered a success in life owes a lot to society. We have been very blessed, my dear sons. We have to show our appreciation to our society for making that possible. A time will come when you will meet other Kamerunians who share the same vision for this land. I am advising you to make them partners in our common goals when that time comes. We shouldn’t shy away from playing a formidable role in financing that political force that shall emerge. We must use our influence to ensure that it succeeds.
Janvier Chouteu-Chando
The staircase that was revealed was lit with a soft red glow.I feel like I'm walking down into a porn movie," V muttered as they took the steps with care.Wouldn't that require more black candles for you," Zsadist cracked.At the bottom of the landing, they looked left and right down a corridor carved out of stone, seeing row after row of...black candles with ruby color flames.I take that back," Z said, eyeing the display.We start hearing chick-a-wow-wow shit," V cut in, "can I start calling you Z-packed?"Not if you want to keep breathing.
J.R. Ward
Seeing your mother naked is not something you easily recover from. Seeing your mother naked and jumping from one side of a king-sized bed to the other with a nurse's hat on while your father, who is also naked, is chasing her with a bandanna around his neck, is reason to put yourself up for adoption.
Chelsea Handler
That was some powerful shit. Like mind and pussy-numbing, fuckilepsy inducing, reproductive organ-exploding powerful. You really are some kind of flogger wielding sex God.
Ella Dominguez
I had a dream about you. You suggested to split the profits, so I did. I threw one half in the furnace to power the steam engine, and the other half in the air to distract our pursuers.
Bauvard
Mothering Oxymoron: Reminding the kids to not talk with food in their mouths, yet I have food in my mouth while trying to correct them in the moment.
Mommy Moo Moo
Why do humans never do as they're told? Someone should replace you all with robots. No, on second though, they shouldn't, bad idea.
Jonathan Morris
So what if I don't learn algebra?''Someday schools will be open again,' Mom said. 'Things will be normal. You need to do your work now for when that happens.''That's never going to happen,' Jon said. 'And even if schools do open up somewhere, they're not going to open up here. There aren't enough people left.' 'We don't know how many people are like us, holed up, making do until times get better.''I bet whoever they are, they aren't studying algebra,' Jon said.
Susan Beth Pfeffer
Home was his favorite place too. But home for him was anywhere Jane happened to be. Never in his life had he loved someone as much as he loved her. So much that it scared him sometimes. He pulled her against him and looked out over the city. He was in love with his wife. Yeah, he knew what that said about him. That he was a goner. Leg-shackled for life. Whipped by a short woman with a big attitude. Yep, that's what it said about him, and he didn't care.
Rachel Gibson
When I am old and addled I will make coronets like Cad, that have nothing to do with history, but represent the whimsy and cobwebs in my brain.
Sherri Baldy
I'm a poet, and I like my lies the way my mother used to make them.
Aleister Crowley
Oh, goodie," Puck said as I stepped forward. "I'm going to have a rash in the most uncomfortable places.
Julie Kagawa
I've already seen what you've got," Liz said, completely out of patience. "Now gimme my wine.""It's not that. I want to show you something at my place."Do I have Idiot stamped on my forehead? They both knew what would happen if they were alone at his place.She leaped to grab the wine and some sloshed out on her head. "Ah!"He bit back a smile. "You shouldn't have done that.
Kylie Gilmore
Revenge is a dish best served in something microwaveable
Josh Stern
The dead are way more organized than the living.
China Miéville
This nation is like all the others that have been spewed upon the earth--ready to shout for any cause that will tickle its vanity or fill its pocket. What a hell of a heaven it will be when they get all these hypocrites assembled there!- Letter to J. H. Twichell, 1/29/1901
Mark Twain
I can see that an insufficent, or perhaps even defective, socialization process has led you to believe that four-letter words add power to languauge
Douglas Preston
Think clearly here—desire does not produce fun, but yearning does. To identify the transition point between these two, look at desire as accumulating or consuming, and yearning as letting go of or giving. You don’t collect truth or love, for example, you give them, and in the giving they come into being. And you have fun. Real fun, guilt-free fun, resentment-free fun, doubt-free fun; you experience and become the questions you engage—discipline and strength, imagination, independence, fearlessness, trust and freedom, knowledge, truth.
Darrell Calkins
In the Middle Ages, bloodletting was often performed by barbers, which is why the traditional barber’s pole—like the bloody towels that once hung outside barber shops—is colored red and white.
Cary McNeal
I'm your friend, and friends don't let friends die.
C.B. Cook
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