Humor Quotes - Page 116

Chapter One of My Life. I walk down the street. There's a deep hole in the sidewalk. I fall in. I am lost. I am helpless. It isn't my fault. It still takes forever to find a way out.Chapter Two. I walk down the same street. There's a deep hole in the sidewalk. I pretend I don't see it. I fall in again. I can't believe I'm in the same place! But it isn't my fault. And it still takes a long time to get out.Chapter Three. I walk down the same street. There's a deep hole in the sidewalk. I see it there. I still fall in. It's a habit! My eyes are open. I know where I am. It is my fault. I get out immediately.Chapter Four. I walk down the same street. There's a deep hole in the sidewalk. I walk around it.Chapter Five. I walk down a different street.

The dog growled again, long and ferocious. The hair on my neck tingled.And just when I knew he would attack, a horrible scream split the air, and Darlene passed out and fell over on her side.

The voices in my head that tell the other voices what to do are mean.

At first, I could lie about my lack of sleep and she'd fall for it, but she started suspecting insomnia when I began seeing purple elephants in the air vents at the office. I knew I shouldn't have asked her about them. I thought maybe she'd redecorated.

Well-developed characters will ruin your writing plans every time. You may think you know where you're going with a story, but they have other ideas.

A mathematician may say anything he pleases, but a physicist must be at least partially sane.

Mogi: Greg Parker left the hideout a while ago and bought a large amount of food. He's heading back to the hideout now. And I've been able to ascertain that he purchased multiple boxes of the same brand chocolate.Aizowa: That clinches it.Ide: It feels a little strange that chocolate is the deciding factor here.

My fore-parts, as you so ineloquently put it, have names.”I pointed to my right breast. “This is Danger.” Then my left. “And this is Will Robinson. I would appreciate it if you addressed them accordingly.” After a long pause in which he took the time to blink several times, he asked, “You named your breasts?”I turned my back to him with a shrug. “I named my ovaries, too, but they don’t get out as much.

When did you first feel like a grown woman and not a girl?” We wrote down our answers and shared them, first in pairs, then in larger groups. The group of women was racially and economically diverse, but the answers had a very similar theme. Almost everyone first realized they were becoming a grown woman when some dude did something nasty to them. “I was walking home from ballet and a guy in a car yelled, ‘Lick me!’” “I was babysitting my younger cousins when a guy drove by and yelled, ‘Nice ass.’” There were pretty much zero examples like “I first knew I was a woman when my mother and father took me out to dinner to celebrate my success on the debate team.” It was mostly men yelling shit from cars. Are they a patrol sent out to let girls know they’ve crossed into puberty? If so, it’s working.

The greater the pain, the greater the fun.

Despite the fact that an Indonesian island chicken has probably had a much more natural life than one raised on a battery farm in England, people who wouldn't think twice about buying something oven-ready become much more upset about a chicken that they've been on a boat with, so there is probably buried in the Western psyche a deep taboo about eating anything you've been introduced to socially.

Have a smile on your face for everyone you meet, and a plan to kill them.

Nobody liked my plan."You want us to split up?" Chase asked, his brow wrinkling in obvious bewilderment.Lake echoed the sentiment, her voice flat. "Why would we split up? There's four of us and one of him." After a brief moment's pause, she amended her head count to better reflect the real odds. "Three and a half of us, one of him."Three and a half, as in three werewolves, one human. I narrowed my eyes. "For your sake, Lake, I'm going to pretend that Devon is the half."Dev, unquestionably the strongest person in the room, just shrugged and let me keep my delusions. "It's because of my petite stature," he said. All 6'4" of him.

Are you insinuatin' that my daughter is a liar?""Oh, no, not at all. I'm saying your daughter is a liar. Surely you can appreciate the difference.

The poor things keep calling in those – those pumbles, I think they're called – you know, the ones who mend pipes and things – ""Plumbers?"" – exactly, yes, but of course they're flummoxed.

Give a poet a pen

It was hard to decide on a literature course. Everything the professors said seemed to be somehow beside the point. You wanted to know why Anna had to die, and instead they told you that 19th century Russian landowners felt conflicted about whether they were really a part of Europe. The implication was that it was somehow naive to want to talk about anything interesting, or to think that you would ever know anything important.

...that was Bud Caldwell's Rules and Things to Have a Funner LIfe and Make a Better Liar Out of Yourself Number 83...If a Adult Tells You Not to Worry, and You Weren't Worried Before, You Better Hurry Up and Start 'Cause You're Already Running Late.

Men seldom make passes at girls who wear glasses.

Harry — I think I've just understood something! I've got to go to the library!”And she sprinted away, up the s

When my mother passed away several years ago—well, wait a minute. Actually, she didn’t ‘pass away.’ She died. Something about that verb, ‘to pass away’ always sounds to me as if someone just drifted through the wallpaper. No, my mother did not pass away. She definitely died.

I think fish is nice, but then I think that rain is wet, so who am I to judge?

Hoping fast that my arrow's flight is steady and true, I need this, I need my arrow to find you, To pierce your skin and enter your undecided heart, Please, oh please, this can be our brand new start, Maybe it's not meant to be, Maybe my arrow will miss and strike a tree, But my love for you is strong, it guides my arrow, I cannot miss, the window to your heart is very narrow, It slams shut igniting embers and sparking fury spatter, To my heart and your window, we are known as 'shatter.

Thank you, Deke. You are very good to me.” “I know,” he smirks. “Can I get back in your bed now?

I'd rather have less time than I think, than less think than I have time.

It felt like he’d been dragged through the nine circles of hell — by his testicles.

The slang for the rectum is "prison wallet".

The truth is, every son raised by a single mom is pretty much born married. I don't know, but until your mom dies it seems like all the other women in your life can never be more than just your mistress.

If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.

Oh for craps sake. You're not dying again, are you? It's seriously inconvenient when you do that." -Aphrodite

An idealist is one who, on noticing that a rose smells better than a cabbage, concludes that it makes a better soup.

I am amazed upon the many battle that we engage in, be it money, control or matters of the heart, only very few of us knows how to fight in the right way or understand who we are really fighting against. To win any battle you' ve got to have the right strategy and resources because victories don't come by accident.

It is possible to compromise in certain areas when choosing a partner for life, but never on a cravat.

Not a wonder you are out camping with us princess,” Rizz said dryly.Falita gave a clearing snort of her opposite nostril and looked up. “Why's that?”“One can't go snorting and blowing snot all over a castle. It would ruin the décor!”Falita ignored the comment. “A bath would certainly freshen things up.”“You've bathed three times in five days. How many more baths do you need?” Artamos asked.“Enough to stay clean, and I don't recall either of you bathing on this trip.”“I don't need to Princess,” Rizz replied. “I have my own naturally sweet odor.”Falita scrunched up her nose, “I'm aware of that, and it is not pleasing in camp.

Mysteries force a man to think, and so injure his health.

You don't find a masked man wielding a gun interesting? Tell me...what do you find interesting then-Matt Carter

Cats, Dog considered, were clearly a lot tougher than lost souls.

One ought to have some sort of transcendent realization that the world exists because the gods are trapped in the same abyss you've occupied for three years. It should be inspiring or comforting or, I don't know, cathartic.

Unrequited love is a billion times less intolerable than unrequited hate.

Wait.” Stefan’s voice was hard suddenly. Bonnie and Elena turned back and froze, embracing each other, trembling. “What is your—your father—going to do to you when he finds out that you allowed this?” as I do, and we will be sharing a belly laugh tomorrow.

You look disappointed to see me, Zach," Macey teased. "Don't you like my jacket?

Wild!" Ron said, twiddling the replay knob on the side. "I can make that old bloke down there pick his nose again... and again... and again...

Everything you can imagine,is real.

His hand cups the back of my neck, and before I can think, he dips down and our mouths meet. For a split second I worry that he thinks he's kissing Courtney. But that instant the warmth of his soft lips spreads into mine, all thoughts dissolve. Pure feeling is all I have left. Little electric sparks sip through my bloodstream, making sure every nerve in my body is focused on his amazing mouth.

Prepare yourself for some bad news: Ronald Reagan’s library just burned down. Both books were destroyed. But the real horror: He hadn’t finished coloring either one of them.

She is an agent of the Devil, possibly escorted out of Hell for behavior which would make a demon go "Ooooo, that's nasty!

Claim whatever you want. Say you only want a happy family or a successful career or a big house. I say: no, that's not what you want. You'll settle for those things, but you really want a monkey that does your evil bidding. Pullman is a genius just for this.

Why it's simply impassible!Alice: Why, don't you mean impossible? Nothing's impossible!

What's the use of complaining about something you have no intentions of changing it?

Patience is a virtue and the best things in life are worth waiting for.

I have found out that there ain't no surer way to find out whether you like people or hate them than to travel with them.

I am yet to meet the idiot at whose door success arrived as a direct result of his refusal to invest in the enterprise that made him rich.

I am ever a gentle maiden," she shouted. "Damn if I'm not.

In Ruth's view, they looked 'like a couple' because they seemed to possess some terrible secret between them - they appeared stricken with remorse when they saw her. Only a novelist could ever imagine such nonsense. (In part, it was because of her perverse ability to imagine anything that in this instance Ruth failed to imagine the obvious)

I’m twenty-four, a first grade teacher, have a Yorkie named Pedro, a goldfish named Fish, have never had sex, or a serious boyfriend, and I’m the town lesbian who pukes when she sees a pussy. Nothing really to be jealous of at all.

I'm friends with a guy who is friends with a former Playboy model. So I guess you could say I'm 1 degree away from 212 degrees.

Being with her can prove difficult, but life without her would be unbearable.

There are few sources of energy so powerful as a procrastinating college student.

Good thing we weren't here when this happened," Fred added. "We'd be pancakes - DEAD ones!

Falderson," he said quietly to Bahzell in passable Navahkan, "is as stupid as the day is long." He craned his neck to gaze up at the hradani and shook his head. "In fact, he's even stupider than I thought. You, sir, are the biggest damned hradani-no offense-I think I've ever seen.