Humor Quotes - Page 112

I hope I never smell the smell of apples again!" said Fili. "My tub was full of ut. To smell apples everlastingly when you can scarcely move and are cold and sick with hunger is maddening. I could eat anything in the wide world now for hours on end - but not an apple!

Myrtle Mae, you have a lot to learn, and I hope you never learn it.

I don't let birdies and pars get in the way of having a good time

We don't shoot somebody soon, I'm gonna forget how

The real flight of this hawk is impending.Still,this bird is yet to be tested for real.Though I have leaped over the seas,well,the entire sky is still remaining to fly.And make sure that ,i am gonna do it with all my heart and all my soul.#loveyoourlife #liveyourlife #hvFUN

Wit seduces by signaling intelligence without nerdiness.

People being tough with you doesn't mean they're villains.

He knew from experience that true and obvious ideas, such as the ineffable wisdom and judgment of the Great God Om, seemed so obscure to many people that you actually had to kill them before they saw the error of their ways...

And then, anger gave way to pure and simple job satisfaction. I mean, when I looked at a dead zombie head on a spike, I thought, "Hey, I did that. Picasso would have been proud. Especially how I rearranged that eye

We were restless for ages...After a while I heard an owl hooting and calmed myself by thinking of it flying over the dark fields – and then I remembered it would be pouncing on mice. I love owls, but I wish God had made them vegetarian.

Mental Note #50: The apple doesn't fall far from the tree, even though it most desperately wants to. - Notes from Ellen Wasserfeldman

...No man is foolish when his friend betrays him because a man’s world is most serene when he has people to trust and call friends. After all, is it not often said that a friend is another self?

The food was so good that with each passing course, our conversation devolved further into fragmented celebrations of its deliciousness:'I want this dragon carrot risotto to become a person so I can take it to Las Vegas and marry it.

My cat mocks me frequently. It's the universe's way of keeping me from getting too big of an ego.

If my liver cared enough, it would have told me to stop. - Jonathan "Jack" McVoy

God is silent. Now if only man would shut up.

Of course, if 40% of women need oxytocin to progress normally, then something is wrong with the definition of normal.

Bitten? You mean you're a-""A werewolf," said the girl. "Like everyone else here. Except you, and the asshole. And the asshole's sister.

If I ever meet myself,' said Zaphod, 'I'll hit myself so hard I won't know what's hit me.

It is one of those lessons that every child should learn: Don't play with fire, sharp objects, or ancient artifacts.

One day we found them. They must of been holding a gook convention or something, cause it seem like the same sort of deal as when you step on a anthill and they all come swarming around.

Steal not this book for fear of shameFor on it is the owners nameAnd when you die the Lord will sayWhere is the book you stole awayAnd when you say you do not knowThe Lord will say go down below.

A demigod?” I repeated like I’d just learned to speak a few seconds ago. “A real, live demigod?”“Opposed to a fake, dead one?” He chuckled, proud of himself, and then sighed when my eyes narrowed on him. “You used to have a sense of humor, Seth.

Bad kitty!" he screeched, snarling and baring his fangs at Grimalkin, who yawned and turned away to groom his tail. "Evil, evil, sneaky kitty! Bite your head off in your sleep, I will! Hang you by your toes and set you on fire! Burn, Burn!"-Razor

To some believers, being on the pill or using a condom is a nonverbal way of telling God to go to hell.

Don't blame me. Tell your mom to move closer. Tell her there's this new club called civilization and you guys should join.

The scientific method is nothing more than a system of rules to keep us from lying to each other.

If you go on with this nuclear arms race, all you are going to do is make the rubble bounce.

Never talk back to a teacher. Teachers are like God. Actually, teachers are God's boss.

In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.

He kills her in her own humor.

And we're not lost."We are so fucking lost. Literally adrift in the nothing space between universes.

The only thing set in stone are dumb quotes and names of dead people. Everything else is subject to change.

My main regret in life is that there is no MacArthur Fellowship awarded in the field of Panda Satire.

When I was young and had no senseIn far-off MandalayI lost my heart to a Burmese girlAs lovely as the day.Her skin was gold, her hair was jet,her teeth were ivory;I said, "For twenty silver pieces,Maiden, sleep with me."She looked at me, so pure, so sad,The loveliest thing alive,And in her lisping, virgin voice,Stood out for twenty-five.

People have hope because they cannot see Death standing behind them.

The nails from a suicide's coffin, and the skull of the parricide, were of course no trouble; for Vesquit never traveled without these household requisites.

Life is all about exploring yourself, discovering yourself and grooming yourself, then you will surely stop negative thinking.

Don't bite his face, Eleanor told herself. It's disturbing and needy and never happens in situation comedies or movies that end with big kisses.

In bed, I can go for hours. Oh yes, I love naps.

I feel as though whenever I create something, my Mr. Hyde wakes up in the middle of the night and starts thrashing it. I sometimes love it the next morning, but other times it is an abomination.

If something is going to happen to me, I want to be there.

A man's subconscious self is not the ideal companion. It lurks for the greater part of his life in some dark den of its own, hidden away, and emerges only to taunt and deride and increase the misery of a miserable hour.

Even I, as sick as I am, I would never be you. Even I, sick and depraved, a traveler to the grave, I would never be you.

You know that person on your left shoulder who tells you that you can't do it or that you're not good enough? Tell that person to GET LOST!

This is what it's all been about with you," he said in an even tone. "All the fear, allthe running. The nightmares." When she nodded, he said, "You called him the devil.""But you... married him?" "Basically? Yes.""Ceremony and everything?"She swallowed. "He tricked me into it. I-I was only sixteen."A muscle ticked in his cheek and his irises grew pale. "Then know this..."She stopped breathing."Lass, I'm about to make you a widow--

Chicken Soup for the Soul". You've heard of these books, am I right? We've all heard of them. But I wonder if you're aware of just how many "Chicken Soup" books exist on the planet. No offense, but I doubt it. I doubt it because in the time it would take you to come up with a number, the number would have become obsolete. Even as you read this, in some quiet, fecund place, another "Chicken Soup" book is being born.

People sin, Lena. People in love sin a lot. God invented sex. He knows how it works

Forthwith I crush this acid lemonFreeing myself of the malefic venomHither I let thee rottenLet my curse be forgotten.

We're not cannibals,' he said as if to remind them. 'Cannibals boil people alive in cauldrons. I prefer to think of ourselves as evolved eaters. As a family, we're at the forefront of fine dining. Human flesh is an acquired taste, and I've worked hard to give you all the chance to appreciate it for yourselves.

Do you still want me to go to hell? I must admit, I don't know the way.

It’s adult swim time and I’m diving in here at the shallow end.

Take some more tea," the March Hare said to Alice, very earnestly."I've had nothing yet," Alice replied in an offended tone, "so I can't take more." than nothing." opinion," said Alice.

Wiping the rivulet of sweat running down my ear with the bottom of my muscle shirt, I snuck a sniff under my pit. Whoa. Kill a moose

Basically, all women are nurturers and healers, and all men are mental patients to varying degrees.

Well why don't you lean over this counter a little more and give me your best kiss, and then I'll tell you if I want you to take me out to dinner.

Listen, I'd rather lie naked in a plowed field under an incontinent horse for a week than have to read that paragraph again!

I don't know where people got the idea that characters in books are supposed to be likable. Books are not in the business of creating merely likeable characters with whom you can have some simple identification with. Books are in the business of creating great stories that make you're brain go ahhbdgbdmerhbergurhbudgerbudbaaarr.

Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.

...Daisy doesn't even go to his funeral, Nick and Jordan part ways, and Daisy ends up sticking with racist Tom... you can tell Fitzgerald never took the time to look up at clouds during sunset, because there's no silver lining at the end of that book, let me tell you. I do see why Nikki likes the novel, as it's written so well. But her liking it makes me worry now that Nikki really doesn't believe in silver linings, because she says The Great Gatsby is the greatest novel ever written by an American, and yet it ends so sadly. One thing's for sure, Nikki is going to be very proud of me when I tell her I finally read her favorite book. -Silver Linings Playbook, p. 9