Humor Quotes - Page 11

I gave him my best cryptic smile. He did not fall down to his feet, kiss my shoes, and promise me the world. I must be getting rusty.

Just deleting vandalism on the Chuck Norris page," Radar said. "For instance, while I do think that Chuck Norris specializes in the roundhouse kick, I don't think it's accurate to say, 'Chuck Norris's tears can cure cancer, but unfortunately he has never cried.

Michael had to pound me a couple of times to convince me not to go stage a rescue." Shane shrugged. "He hits like a girl, for a vampire.

After moral poisoning, one requires physical remedies and a bottle of champagne.

The toddler started making this whine/moan noise while pawing at Tabitha. I know as a woman I'm supposed to have this innate love of babies, but the truth is, they kind of remind me of zombies. They stumble around, arms out, moaning. And if they get a hold of you, they suck the energy out of you.

I’ve never cheated on a lover. I’m faithful, always. But the war comes before anyone’s feelings. Every time.”Wow. Battle before love. Without a doubt, he was the most unromantic male she’d ever met. Even more so than her great-grandfather, who had laughingly burned her great-grandmother to death after she’d given birth to Gwen’s grandmother.

If cats looked like frogs we'd realize what nasty, cruel little bastards they are. Style. That's what people remember.

Whenever man comes up with a better mousetrap, nature immediately comes up with a better mouse.

In the first place God made idiots. This was for practice. Then he made school boards.

I do not think that there can ever be enough books about anything; and I say that knowing that some of them are going to be about Pilates. The more knowledge, the better seems like the a solid rule of thumb, even though I have watched enough science fiction films to accept that humanity's unchecked pursuit of learning will end with robots taking over the world.

If you are of the opinion that the contemplation of suicide is sufficient evidence of a poetic nature, do not forget that actions speak louder than words.

Welcome to the wonderful world of jealousy, he thought. For the price of admission, you get a splitting headache, a nearly irresistable urge to commit murder, and an inferiority complex. Yippee.

Yuki (in a standoff with Zero): We're going to stay like this until vol. 10? Why...don't we sit down...Zero?Zero: I can't. If I sit down, I won't be able to get up again. (I've reached my limits in many ways).Yuki: Well, I'm going to sit...

I don’t believe we should carry backupplans in life’s suitcase—they’re too easy to unpack like living a life in yoga pants, so comfortable our hips spreadinto new timezones...

Hey Susie Derkins, is that your face, or is a 'possum stuck in your collar?

You frighten me, when you say there isn't time.""I don't see why. Christians have been expecting the imminent end of the world for millennia.""But it keeps not ending.""So far, so good.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

I think you learn more if you're laughing at the same time.

Hiking is sort of like strip poker: by the end, all the participants are hot, sweaty, and nearly naked, and the winner is the person who wore the most layers.

He gave a wry smile. With all this vigilant vigils on virginity, you would think the country would have controlled its population by now.

Magnus, standing by the door, snapped his fingers impatiently. "Move it along, teenagers. The only person who gets to canoodle in my bedroom is my magnificent self.""Canoodle?" repeated Clary, never having heard the word before."Magnificent?" repeated Jace, who was just being nasty. Magnus growled. The growl sounded like "Get out.

Two steps forward...one step back...I've always hated that old cliche too...I believe that we should all be able to dance through life and only change the tempo now and then.

Don't be scared of Bambi the demon said. "She's only curious and maybe a little bit hungry."?

I used to look at Jinks and marvel at her smooth complexion, but over the years I have come to realise that she has been spared wrinkles by virtue of never having succumbed to heavy thought.

Colt, you’re a cop. I’m fairly certain you realize what you are proposing is illegal. As in bigamy.”He laughed. “You don’t legally marry us both. Just one of us. Then the three of us make our own private vows.”“Fine,” she leaned back and gave him a smug look as if expecting her next question to jar some sense into them. “Who am I going to legally marry?”He grinned at her transparency. Obviously, she thought this was going to be a sticking point. “We’ll arm wrestle to decide that.

He found Luciana sitting alone at a table in the Allied officers' night club, where the drunken Anzac major who had brought her there had been stupid enough to desert her for the ribald company of some singing comrades at the bar."All right, I'll dance with you," she said, before Yossarian could even speak. "But I won't let you sleep with me.""Who asked you?" Yossarian asked her."You don't want to sleep with me?" she exclaimed with surprise."I don't want to dance with you.

I live in my mind, such that whatever destroys me shall be a creature of my own invention.

The only bright spot in the entire evening was the presence of Kevin "Tubby" Matchwell, the eleven-year-old porker who tackled the role of Santa with a beguiling authenticity. The false beard tended to muffle his speech, but they could hear his chafing thighs all the way to the North Pole.

Lia caught sight of it immediately and glared at him. "You gave me your word. You swore you wouldn't tell him.""I'm a mass murderer," he said pointedly. "Not exactly trustworthy.

Daddy loved his son. Daddy believed his son walked on water. Daddy, Mike had long ago decided, was an idiot.

I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.

What’s going on?”“Nothing.” She coughed, and released Talaith’s hand. “Exceptyou have some powerful enemies.”“Tell me what I don’t know, witch.”“Powerful enemies who are gods.”For a moment, Annwyl was shocked beyond all reason…thenshe shrugged. “Now that I think of it—I don’t know why I would besurprised.

The world hast fast to pass away- And cannot comprehend the things that are promised to the righteous in time to come: for this world is full of unrighteousness and infirmities.

You know that's why mermaids swim around topless all the time, right? It's because their boobs are too big and all bras are C shells.

People go to church for the same reasons they go to a tavern: to stupefy themselves, to forget their misery, to imagine themselves, for a few minutes anyway, free and happy.-- Circular Letter to My Friends in Italy

Was I the only one who became unsettled and swoonish at the sight of a large, inverted carcass hanging from a tree, its vital organs strewn about like children's toys, the occasional pack of hunting dogs fighting over a lung, another one looking for a quiet place to enjoy the severed head? It happened all the time and nobody else seemed bothered. People just walked up to the bloody carcasses and carried on entirely normal conversations, as though a man wasn't standing there squeezing deer feces out of a large intestine and small children weren't playing football with a liver.

It’s not the dead people you got to worry about… It’s the living that are scary.

Saphira waved her tail, the tip whistling loudly. "I'm not asking you to. However, if we attack first, we may gain the advantage." "Have you gone crazy? They'll..." Eragon's voice trailed off as he thought about it. "They won't be able to do a thing." "Exactly," said Saphira. "We can inflict lots of damage from a safe height." "Let's drop rocks on them!

There must always be an opposition because the enemy always opposes what the Lord has declared.

CUSTOMER: If I were to, say... meet the love of my life in this bookshop, what section do you think they would be standing in?

When she looked at him with those dark eyes, Nassar felt the urge to say something intelligent and deeply impressive. Unfortunately, nothing of the kind came to mind.

Sometimes you remind me a lot of James. He called it my 'furry little problem' in company. Many people were under the impression that I owned a badly behaved rabbit.

Dreams are fragile. Reality is a clumsy postman.

Thanks liver... you are a champ!

Henry held up his taco- formerly Vlad's- and grinned. " Little known fact, gentlemen. Tacos are the food of genius."pg248 Henry to Vlad & Joss

Having children is like living in a frat house - nobody sleeps, everything's broken, and there's a lot of throwing up.

Thank you,” she whispered, sending up a quick prayer for his continued recovery.“You’re welcome,” Marcus murmured.Honoria let out a little shriek of surprise, jumping back nearly a foot.“Sorry,” he said, but he was laughing.It was quite the loveliest sound Honoria had ever heard.“I wasn’t thanking you,” she said pertly.“I know.” He smiled

The more obscure our tastes, the greater the proof of our genius.

You know, in some cultures, when you save someone's life, you're then responsible for it."Allison thought about telling him she'd seen the same movie and was pretty sure the claim was bogus. Instead, she offered her own bit of nonsense. "In some cultures, saving a life is considered an interference with fate and is punishable by death.

My Zora senses are tingling," I said.Nathan looked at me blankly."Right, you don't know anything about Spiderman," I remembered."Spider who?" he asked.

Then there were the shabti, magical figurines that were supposed to come to life when summoned. A few months ago, I’d fallen for a girl named Zia Rashid, who’d turned out to be a shabti. Falling in love for the first time had been hard enough. But when the girl you like turns out to be ceramic and cracks to pieces before your eyes—well, it gives “breaking your heart” a new meaning.

Rachel opened her mouth to respond, but the head cut her off.

Sorry... my mind was wandering... one time it went all the way to Venus and ordered a meal I couldn’t pay for.

The fool has said in his heart: pass me another Everlasting God-Stopper, please.

I swear to Vishnu, if this doesn’t work, I’m going to stab you in the throat with a Pipette.

Only in Xanth would parents see a dragon looming over their children and depart with confidence.

If you neglected to warn Djetth beforehand that you were going to shoot him down, Your Highness, he may consider you in breach of contr

Either this wallpaper goes, or I do.

We?" Simon looked at him in disbelief. "Are you ever going home?""What, bored with my company already?" "Let me ask you something," Simon said. "Do you find me fascinating to be around?""What was that?" Jace said. "Sorry, I think I fell asleep for a moment. Do, continue with whatever mesmerizing thing you were saying.

The patter of tentative footfalls reached my ears. I flipped on my side to face the door and saw Ansel wander by. I rolled onto my back, rubbing sleep from my eyes. I'd crashed on my bed as soons as I'd gotten back from school, collapsing under the weight of the day. The floorboards squeaked as Ansel passed by my door again. I caught his nervous glance in my direction before he hurried down the hall. 'Ansel, I'm not the sun; stop orbiting and get in here,' I called.