Humor Quotes - Page 107

Your job is to focus on my personal happiness, she said, & I've got big plans, so break time is over.

Very touching," said a voice from the stairway. "Do you want me to imitate a violin?" - Damon

My reading list grows exponentially. Every time I read a book, it'll mention three other books I feel I have to read. It's like a particularly relentless series of pop-up ads.

She runs the gamut of emotions from A to B.

How can you love someone who doesn't think they deserve to be loved?

HUMAN BEINGS MAKE LIFE SO INTERESTING. DO YOU KNOW, THAT IN A UNIVERSE SO FULL OF WONDERS, THEY HAVE MANAGED TO INVENT BOREDOM. (Death)

I never talk back. I listen and always remember your every word, so come pen or mouse, never forget that I will treasure your thoughts forever. Yours truly, Paper.

It's perfectly normal that extraordinary things happen to me. I'm an exceptional person. Oh, don't think I'm boasting. I mean to say that, unfortunately, I'm exceptional and that, unfortunately, I can't live by the rules. I must make my own.

Still it is true that many same-sex couples want nothing more than to join society as fully integrated socially responsible family-centered taxpaying Little League-coaching nation-serving respectably married citizens. So why not welcome them in Why not recruit them by the vanload to sweep in on heroic wings and save the flagging and battered old institution of matrimony from a bunch of apathetic ne'er-do-well heterosexual deadbeats like me

Talking about a problem sometimes makes it worse.

Wizards don't believe in gods in the same way that most people don't find it necessary to believe in, say, tables. They know they're there, they know they're there for a purpose, they'd probably agree that they have a place in a well-organised universe, but they wouldn't see the point of believing, of going around saying "O great table, without whom we are as naught." Anyway, either the gods are there whether you believe in them or not, or exist only as a function of the belief, so either way you might as well ignore the whole business and, as it were, eat off your knees.

Some men do not know the father of 'their' children.

I didn't hear you complaining last night.''That's because I wasn't,' she argued.'Then what's the problem?' he asked aggressively.'There is no problem. We had a good time and now it's over.''Just like that?''You want flowers?

I'm not absolutely certain of my facts, but I rather fancy it's Shakespeare -- or, if not, it's some equally brainy lad -- who says that it's always just when a chappie is feeling particularly top-hole, and more than usually braced with things in general that Fate sneaks up behind him with a bit of lead piping.

Princess, the contents of your shoe closet would break the budgets of a lot of third world countries - Jake Malone

The storm only grew stronger. Walls of facets became flooded with cracks, the tumultuous gale escaped through the smallest crevice. With her arms spread wide and all her muscles hard and taunt, she broke free from the chrysalis, letting loose her new wings and that mighty storm. I thought it was over, but I was wrong. She spread her wings and sang her song. She rode upon the howl of wind until she was gone.

Sure, Bob Dylan had some good songs. But he could have been a doctor.

Are you familiar with that play?In fact, we're almost living it!

Then the small man suddenly ran after them and said:"I want to get my haircut. I say, do you know a little shop anywhere where they cut hair properly? I keep on having my hair cut, but it keeps on growing again."One of the tall men looked at him with the air of a pained naturalist.

That's ridiculous." Especially the part about Christian being manly.

You can’t even begin to fathom the amount of fucks I do not give about what you want.

Right. I can see it now. Merry Christmas, everybody! And by the way, did I tell you I'm a vampire? No need to pass the gravy, just bare your neck-

A blind ingenuity goes nowhere

Remember these, Sons! Truth presented with tenderness enriches the soul of man and enhances humanity in the process. A Franco-Cameroonian relation based on truth and nurtured with tenderness will be to the benefit not only of Kamerun and France, but also of mankind as a whole.

I would have killed myself years ago if it weren't for the fact that I’m pretty sure death is the only thing more terrible than life.

. . . confirmed libertines don't reform until they're tired . . .

Did you talk to him about it?""Oh, sure. Nothing happened, yadda yadda. The usual. But my maydar went off like crazy.""Maydar?""As in, he may be thinking about super hot sex with her. Like radar, only not as sure.

If I can give one bit of advice to any drama major, high school theater kid, or inmate who is reading this in a prison library with dreams of being cast in he prison play, its this: write your own part. It is the only way I've gotten anywhere. It is much harder work, but sometimes you ave to take destiny into your own hands.

The minute you stop caring about your business, is the same minute your business stops caring about you.

And of course, when you see your brother in the toilet bowl...there's a little voice that say, 'I wonder where he would go...'...if it hadn't been for his head...

Inhumanity, n. One of the signal and characteristic qualities of humanity.

But I didn't. I didn't say anything, if only because I had no idea how to respond to such an overture. If my experience with friends was sparse, what I knew about boys- other than a competitors for grades or class rank- was nonexistent

The spells are made up. I have met people who assure me, very seriously, that they are trying to do them, and I can assure them, just as seriously, that they don’t work.

...Whenever someone says to me, 'Jerry Lewis says women aren't funny,' or 'Christopher Hitchens says women aren't funny,' or 'Rick Fenderman says women aren't funny... Do you have anything to say to that?'Yes. We don't fucking care if you like it.I don't say it out loud, of course, because Jerry Lewis is a great philanthropist, Hitchens is very sick, and the third guy I made up.

The goblins have been after me ever since I helped the Coven drive them out of Essex. (They were gobbling up drunk people in club bathrooms, and the Mage was worried about losing regional slang.) I think the goblin who successfully offs me gets to be king.

As a rule,I believe people shouldn't follow rules;rules should follow people.

You know, you're rather amusingly wrong.

We laugh, that we may not cry.

What, you didn’t pack your lunch?” Ty asked sarcastically as he shifted around in the seat and wedged himself against the door. He kicked a foot up and propped it on the console between the two front seats. “Sure, in my SpongeBob SquarePants lunch box. I have the thermos, too,” Morrison shot right back. Zane kept his mouth shut, eyes moving between the two men, and occasionally back to the driver, who was casually paying attention. Ty stared at the kid and narrowed his eyes further. “Spongewhat?” he asked flatly. Zane didn’t even try to hold back the chuckle when Morrison looked at Ty like he’d lost his mind. “Spongewha … you’re yanking my chain, aren’t you?” Morrison said. “Henny, he’s yanking my chain.” “Yeah, well, that’s what you getting for waving it in his face,” the driver answered reasonably. “What the hell is a SpongeBob?” Ty asked Zane quietly in the backseat.

Turning to Turnip, Miss Dempsey said, 'Do you think?'. 'As little as I can,' Turnip replied honestly.

I'm calm," Rachel insisted. "Every time I'm around you, some monsters attack us. What's to be nervous about?""Look," I said. "I'm sorry about the band room. I hope they didn't kick you our or anything.""Nah. They asked me a lot of questions about you. I played dumb.""Was it hard?" Annabeth asked.

I love libraries. Everybody there is serious and focused even if they are not absorbing or learning anything better

Bad enough that getting turned on when he had nothing more than a bath towel to hide it would make the condition kind of hard to miss, but getting turned on in front of his ex-fiancee was akin to smearing honey on his junk and walking into grizzly territory.

I liked things better when I didn't understand them.

Jocelyn’s stomach lodged another complaint with the management regarding the length of time since breakfast.

Why is a man with a knife after your blood? Who sent him? I would like to write the fellow a letter of thanks!

And make no mistake, my friend, your pointless life will end; but before you go, can you look at the truth?

I'm not the one going for a biology degree. I'm just a philosophy major who eats people.

When things in the country are in the pits, start a war with somebody.

…one lives and analyses data within a frame, unaware that the solution is most often just outside of that frame. Never underestimate the depth of your subjectivity.

Relax and breathe. The trouble with imaginative people is that we're good at picturing the worst that could happen to us. Fear is often just the imagination taking a wrong turn. Bad criticism is not the end of the world. As far as I know, no one has ever died from a bad review. Take a deep breath and accept whatever comes.

My sister having so much to do, was going to church vicariously, that is to say, Joe and I were going.

THE FIRST TEN LIES THEY TELL YOU IN HIGH SCHOOL 1. We are here to help you. 2. You will have time to get to your class before the bell rings. 3. The dress code will be enforced. 4. No smoking is allowed on school grounds. 5. Our football team will win the championship this year. 6. We expect more of you here. 7. Guidance counselors are always available to listen. 8. Your schedule was created with you in mind. 9. Your locker combination is private. 10. These will be the years you look back on fondly. TEN MORE LIES THEY TELL YOU IN HIGH SCHOOL 1. You will use algebra in your adult lives. 2. Driving to school is a privilege that can be taken away. 3. Students must stay on campus during lunch. 4. The new text books will arrive any day now. 5. Colleges care more about you than your SAT scores. 6. We are enforcing the dress code. 7. We will figure out how to turn off the heat soon. 8. Our bus drivers are highly trained professionals. 9. There is nothing wrong with summer school. 10. We want to hear what you have to say.

Bouillabaisse is only good because cooked by the French, who, if they cared to try, could produce an excellent and nutritious substitute out of cigar stumps and empty matchboxes.

Some people will each start investing more of their salary on ‘their’ house and spending less of it on ‘their’ car or cars only when they start being able to take ‘their’ house to work, funerals, weddings, etc.

I don't see any reason to let law interfere with justice around here. We never did before.

Amy let him lead her to the dance area. She gasped when he immediately tugged her body against his. Clearly Erik had not learned the dance rules taught at St. Francis High School. He didn’t leave room for air, much less a holy presence.

Since my trips to Earth, I've only managed to assemble a few basics facts about humans, condensing them in to four, overall points: kids got Reese's, teens got recess, adults got recessions, and seniors got receding.

Salt waters shall be found in the sweet, and all friends shall destroy one another; then shall wit hide itself, and understanding withdraw itself into his secret chamber-

Actually, I was the very lowest ranked member of the crew. I would only be “in command” if I were the only remaining person.”What do you know? I’m in command