Humor Quotes - Page 106

I felt like an animal, and animals don’t know sin, do they?

But in doing so---moving forward...---he's still dealing with the past. It's always strung out behind us, innit, attached to our arses like a roll of toilet paper we trail out of the bathroom, pointing the way to the giant shite we just took. It doesn't matter if we flushed it down; Everyone still knows what we did there. So its fine to say it's all done and you have no connection with the past, that you're a new person every second, but silly in my view to pretend that person isn't made of the old one.

The trouble with dead people today is they have no sense of decorum

Bitch, if I ain't a G, I'm an OG

Hello, Minister!" bellowed Percy, sending a neat jinx straight at Thicknesse, who dropped his wand and clawed at the front of his robes, apparently in awful discomfort. "Did I mention I'm resigning?

They were all on his side. Hi boat sank.

If you can find no way of getting the Notes duplicated, why not try the Ministry of Cultural Affairs, who might be sympathetic (provided they do not actually read them)? I must, however, confess to a rooted dislike—perhaps you share it?—of seeking the help of Official (particularly Government) Bodies. Whenever anyone addresses me in his official capacity, I am at once filled with a desire to attack the Official Body he represents. I have every sympathy with the Irishman who, on being fined five shillings for Contempt of Court, asked the Magistrate to make it ten shillings; 'Five shillings' he explained 'do not adequately express the Contempt I have for this Court'. I am quite unable to identify myself with any organized body or cause (even if it is a body of opposition or a lost cause). I am a born blackleg. I thoroughly approve of E. M. Forster's declaration, 'If I had to choose between betraying my country and betraying my friend, I hope I should have the guts to betray my country'. For me, there is no doubt that the very small word in the centre of the blank canvas at the end of 'The Artist at Work' is solitaire, not solidaire.

The world isn't fair, Calvin.""I know Dad, but why isn't it ever unfair in my favor?

There are many good inventions on earth, some useful, some pleasing: for their sake, the earth is to be loved. And there is such a variety of well-invented things that the earth is like the breasts of a woman: useful as well as pleasing.

Thanks to my mother, I was raised to have a morbid imagination. When I was a child, she often talked about death as warning, as an unavoidable matter of fact. Little Debbie's mom down the block might say, 'Honey, look both ways before crossing the street.' My mother's version: 'You don't look, you get smash flat like sand dab.' (Sand dabs were the cheap fish we bought live in the market, distinguished in my mind by their two eyes affixed on one side of their woebegone cartoon faces.)The warnings grew worse, depending on the danger at hand. Sex education, for example, consisted of the following advice: 'Don't ever let boy kiss you. You do, you can't stop. Then you have baby. You put baby in garbage can. Police find you, put you in jail, then you life over, better just kill youself.

Lord Peter Wimsey: Facts, Bunter, must have facts. When I was a small boy, I always hated facts. Thought they were nasty, hard things, all nobs. Mervyn Bunter: Yes, my lord. My old mother always used to say... Lord Peter Wimsey: Your mother, Bunter? Oh, I never knew you had one. I always thought you just sort of came along already-made, so it were. Oh, excuse me. How infernally rude of me. Beg pardon, I'm sure. Mervyn Bunter: That's all right, my lord. Lord Peter Wimsey: Thank you. Mervyn Bunter: Yes indeed, I was one of seven. Lord Peter Wimsey: That is pure invention, Bunter, I know better. You are unique. But you were going to tell me about your mater. Mervyn Bunter: Oh yes, my lord. My old mother always used to say that facts are like cows. If you stare them in the face hard enough, and they generally run away. Lord Peter Wimsey: By Jove, that's courageous, Bunter. What a splendid person she must be. Mervyn Bunter: I think so, my lord.

Forget UNIX - it will be gone in 5 years.

Like every other creature on the face of the earth, Godfrey was, by birthright, a stupendous badass, albeit in the somewhat narrow technical sense that he could trace his ancestry back up a long line of slightly less highly evolved stupendous badasses to that first self-replicating gizmo---which, given the number and variety of its descendants, might justifiably be described as the most stupendous badass of all time. Everyone and everything that wasn't a stupendous badass was dead.

... human beings fear the unknown. So, whatever's freaking you out, grab it by the balls and say hello.

Coincidences are like unicorns.you can believe in them all you want,but that doesn't make them real

For the record, I would like to point out that it is NOT being obsessive to memorize a boy's schedule so that you can accidentally bump into him. It is called being efficient.

The trick is in genuinely appreciating the elements of apparent resistance while you are engaging them. Not to oppose or remove them as much as to creatively fold them into one’s linear line of movement, exploiting them and making the necessary adjustments as you go.

Well you seemed too busy to call him a prat and I thought someone should.

A project goal like a joke. If you have to explain it, it is not good / fun.

I have so much hate that it has turned into love.

Here I am Rock You Like a Hurricane.

Love passed me by and I failed to get the plates.

Heifer.”“Rich man’s whore!”“At least mine can cook the food he eats. And replaces it, too.”“Now see, Dee-Ann Smith. That was just mean!

It's not like the Middle Ages, when you had the Church and the aristocracy keeping everything nice and stagnant.

Hatori: "SHIGURE... I WILL TELL EVERYONE IN THE PUBLISHING INDUSTRY EVERYTHING I KNOW ABOUT YOU, STARTING FROM WHEN YOU WERE FOUR YEARS OLD..."Shigure: "Sorry, Tohru-kun. My lips are sealed!

Whether you think you're right or you think you're wrong. You're right.""If you think in pictures, write. If you think in words, paint.

You climbed into my window in the middle of the night. So, either you're some kind of Vampire or some kind of Perv. Which is it?

Those sweet lips. My, oh my, I could kiss those lips all night long.Good things come to those who wait.

I was so comfortable. I was warm and cozy, in that blissful, dreamy place between asleep and awake...Until my comfy pillow moved.And the blanket keeping me warm moved.I grumbled at them sleepily, and then my pillow and blanket chuckled.I looked up, trying to make sense of my thoughts, and I saw him.Cameron.My pillow and blanket was Cameron; a half asleep, chuckling Cameron. I groaned and let my head fall back on his chest, his arms tightened around me. "I wondered why my pillow moved."He chuckled again, and I could hear the sound resonate in my ear.

It is said that the dead are infinitely patient, although it is usually said by the living, and how would they know?

When a Dragon, an Elf, and a Human walk into a bar, the Human is always going to be the punch line.

alone but trying to survive alone.

We survive largely because of the existence and recognition of high-end qualities—compassion, integrity, courage, humility, etc. These are how we perceive spirit. Even the most cynical and fatalistic bastard will snap out of self-absorption, abuse and hopelessness when confronted by an extreme expression of any one of these qualities. (Case studies show that this also applies even to rapists and murderers, not always, but more so than any other technique or therapy.) That is, beyond belief, the desire to feel good, or even hope or despair, there does exist an essential intuitive value system in each of us. This runs through and across every culture, and even every species. I don’t believe that those intuitive values are there to fool us into occupying ourselves so as to feel good while waiting for the inevitable to happen. Nature is not so decadent. Or cynical.

Man, n. An animal so lost in rapturous contemplation of what he thinks he is as to overlook what he indubitably out to be. His chief occupation is the extermination of other animals and his own species, which, however, multiplies with such insistent rapidity as to infest the whole habitable earth and Canada.

I had a dream that I was perfect…I woke up and was still perfect. Aw.

Suddenly, I saw ocean again—then another horizon line—but this time the deep blue sky was on the wrong side of the line…the Holy crap, we’re upside down side.

An opinion should be the result of thought, not a substitute for it.

No adolescent ever wants to be understood, which is why they complain about being misunderstood all the time.

We lifted up and then bobbed."Back! Pull it back!" (Christopher)"It's hard." (Kitty)"The ground is harder!" (Christopher)

He pulled me close and said, "Katie, don't leave me, you're my breath, I refuse to live without you."It was the most beautiful thing I had ever heard, but I still walked away, because my name is Anne Marie.

I am so glad that God's disappointment in me is not greater than his love and I still have a Destiny. I am growing in grace and mercy because that is the only soil that can produce the kind of life that God desires.

Ego is the world's worst narcotic

Dedicate your life to solitude and mortify your members which are upon the earth.

I know a lot about birds and bees, but I don't know very much about the birds and the bees. Everything I do know I had to teach myself on the Internet, because I don't have anyone to ask. For example, I know that you give someone a blowjob by putting your penis in their mouth.

I wondered for a moment if he was trying to get me to join a cult, but I realized it was just his youth talking, not a dogma.

She'll be back," Ranger said. "But not tonight."[Stephanie] "How'd you get her to leave?""Told her I was gonna spend the next twelve hours ruining you for all other men, and so she might as well go home."I could feel the heat rush to my face.Ranger gave me the wolf smile. "I lied about it being tonight," he said.

A great paradox which should God make us understand, we will weep, laugh, wonder and ponder is the paradox of human ignorance

Six saw a caterpillar.''What kind?''Green, with purple and white zigzags.''I see,' Thaniel said slowly. Liking children did not keep him from being perplexed by them. He was recently too old to remember his own childhood with any clarity. 'I imagine that was exciting?'She glanced up at him warily. 'No. It was just a caterpillar.

My feeling toward Republicans is like my feeling about sharks: of course they're stupid and vicious. It's in their nature to be mindless, ravening killing machines. It's nothing personal. They don't know any better. Pretty much the only thing you can do about them is stay out of their waters and, if you're unlucky enough to meet with one, shoot it through its rudimentary brain with a spear gun.

We will meet; and there we may rehearse mostobscenely and courageously.Shakespeare, Midsummer Night's Dream. Spoken by Bottom, Act I Sc. 2

Dance like it hurts. Love like you need money. Work when people are watching. -- Dogbert's Motto

This emotion I'm feeling now, this is love, right?""I don't know. Is it a longing? Is it a giddy stupid happiness just because you're with me?""Yes," she said."That's influenza," said Miro. "Watch for nausea or diarrhea within a few hours.

If no one knows when a person is going to die, how can we say he died prematurely?

Well, bloody noses." I hug his coat tighter. "Those are definitely hot.

Writers don't kill characters. Characters kill characters.

My creativity keeps me from starving. Humanity keeps my life mundane. Loving secures my love for life, but my imagination keeps me sane.

I had a dream about you. You had no skin or muscle on your face, and to try to conceal your bare skull you liberally applied lipstick and makeup. Your birthday was coming up, and I knew you were probably sensitive about parties that emphasize the aging process, so I decided to box up your gift in a coffin and wrap it with black wrapping paper. I got you the best gift ever too—a hooker, who happened to be dead, because that enabled me to procure a sizeable discount.

How’s Her Royal Bitchiness?” “Alive.” “Pity.

You look too pretty to be useful." "Truer words were never spoken.

I tan the easy way. I just wait for my liver spots to connect.