Humor Quotes - Page 10

If asked for an opinion we’ll say what we think. And by “what we think” I mean the answer that comes to our mind first, seems most logical and requires the least amount of effort to articulate, while getting us in the least amount of trouble. Really that’s what our communication boils down to.

Harry," Bob drawled, his eye lights flickering smugly, "what you know about women, I could juggle.

I'd heard that if you saw a Reaper, you saw what you expected to see, what you thought the agents of Death would look like. Personally, I wanted to see little, fuzzy pink bunnies, but apparently my subconscious visualized tall, scary, and skeletal. My subconscious and I needed to have a long talk.

Ministry of Magic (M.O.M) Classification.xxxxx Known wizard killer / impossible to train or domesticate / or anything Hagrid likes

Nick‘s eyes widened as a total state of befuddled huh possessed him. Was he in theTwilight Zone?

In the end, everything is a gag.

I really believe, or want to believe, really I am nuts, otherwise I'll never be sane.

Serena had to cross her legs: in moments of dire amusement her bladder tended to play tricks.

Cassidy continued to rub his chest and groaned at Ollie pleadingly. “I don"t like it. Make it stop.”“It"s just love, sweetie. It won"t kill you. I promi

Valkyrie walked to the back door, which hadn't been closed properly, shut it and locked it. There was now a baby in the house, after all. She couldn't take the chance that a wild animal might wander in and make off with Alice, like those dingoes in Australia. She was probably being unfair to both dingoes and Australia, but she couldn't risk it. Locked doors kept the dingoes out, and that's all there was to it, even if she didn't know what a dingo actually was. She took out her phone, searched the Internet, found a picture of a baby dingo and now she really wanted a baby dingo for a pet.

Parker, I'm old," She said matter-of-factly. "I get away with these things." She continued to wave and smile wildly. "People treat me like an idiot so I'm allowed to act like one from time to time. It's one of the perks.

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.

You’ll be angry, but I’m going to ask anyway. Will you marry me?' The unsupported voice, the one that happened when he couldn’t breathe, but had to speak.I nudged his hands apart to see his face, and found it faintly overcast by tension. 'No,' I said gently,He blinked again and asked, his voice unaltered, 'May I ask you once a year, every seventh of December, in case the answer changes?''Yes. I don’t think it will.''Oh. I only ask because I hate the thought of not having breakfast with you for the rest of my life.''My dear,' I said. 'Jamie. That’s a different question.''Oh. Will you have breakfast with me for the rest of my life?''Probably.

Two girls walk past in gargantuan heels and dresses so tight that their skin is spilling out, and one of them says to the other, "Wait, who the fuck is Lewis Carroll?" and in my imagination I pull a gun out of my pocket, shoot them both and then shoot myself.

I made this [letter] very long, because I did not have the leisure to make it shorter.

I’d seen weirder things than a haunted shoe, but not many.

There's one thing you can say for air pollution, you get utterly amazing sunrises.

I like to smile at the men who look mean so they know I believe in their better selves. That makes a difference in the world. This is how you might be able to reform a possible rapist without ever going to psychology school.

Anyway, why would you trust anything written down? She certainly didn't trust "Mothers of Borogravia!" and that was from the government. And if you couldn't trust the government, who could you trust?Very nearly everyone, come to think of it...

I enjoy self-publishing & sending publishers rejection letters. They're like, 'Who is this guy?' And I'm like, 'the end of your industry.

Totalitarian systems are notably devoid of humor at every level. Laughter, which brings acceptance and freedom, is a threat to their rule through force and intimidation. It is hard to oppress people who have a good sense of humor. Beware the humorless, whether in a person, institution, or belief system; it is always accompanied by an impulse to control and dominate, even if its proclaimed objective is to create prosperity or peace.

Don't ask for a girl's hand in marriage and forget to ask for her leg too.

French name, English accent, American school. Anna confused.

Maybe what you need in your life is not the next level of accomplishment or the next level of accumulation but the next level of appreciation for what you have; that will set the stage to make a space for what you will accumulate in the future. ( a bit deep) Simply put thank God for now before setting the goal for tomorrow because if you grow in gifts and didn't grow in gratitude, you have gained nothing.

Jinx, I know you just lost your grandfather, but you straighten out your tone right now or I will smack you one!

I had the right to remain silent... but I didn't have the ability.

Even the world’s greatest actor cannot fake an erection.

What? Why are you making the glee nose? The death of my world is funny? The final vengeance of my people? I will kill you.

The most successful critics are always scribbling things in their programs, largely because it gives them an important and industrious air. Also, it is interesting to try to figure out what you've written afterward. Last week, for instance, I made a very helpful note during the second act of a drama called "They Walk Alone." "Lanchstr get face stuck 1 these nights awful if," it seemed to say.

Who knew death could lead to an eating disorder?

Of course, everyone's parents are embarrassing. It goes with the territory. The nature of parents is to embarrass merely by existing, just as it is the nature of children of a certain age to cringe with embarrassment, shame, and mortification should their parents so much as speak to them on the street.

I hope so,” grumbled Ian. “I’m going to look for another one of ‘em winged dogs for Mabel.

Frederick left the young couple gazing into each other’s eyes. Revolting, the way otherwise sensible people could carry on, he decided. Something to do with being married, no doubt. Perhaps it damaged the brain.

We are all born rude. No infant has ever appeared yet with the grace to understand how inconsiderate it is to disturb others in the middle of the night.

Wisdom you speak, Obi Tina.''None of that - I'm the one who gets to speak backwards - no, we're both wrong - that's the little green guy, Yoda.''You're right. So I just get to pout and act badly when you try and teach me anything.''Try channelling Luke rather than Annakin - the outcome is better.

Never make a person feel, that he/she is very (extra) special.. Cause, then that person starts feeling that 'You' are not worth him/her.

Sorry,ʺ she said, her face shining with joy when she saw me. ʺShould have put a sock on the door. Didnʹt realize things were getting hot and heavy.ʺʺNo avoiding it,ʺ I said lightly, clasping Dimitriʹs hand. ʺThings are always hot with him around.ʺDimitri looked scandalized. Heʹd never held back when we were in bed together, but his private nature wouldnʹt let him even hint about such matters to others. It was mean, but I laughed and kissed his cheek.ʺOh, this is going to be fun,ʺ I said. ʺNow that everythingʹs out in the open.ʺʺYeah,ʺ he said. ʺI got a pretty ‘funʹ look from your father the other day.

You can't love me if you don't love you, you can't think of nothing to do with me if you can't think of nothing to do with yourself, stop feeling sorry for yourself and tidy up, clean up the apartment until you get a house, do that job until you build your own company. Look at what you have and think on how to make it better.

Gotta have my make up, in case I run into Joey and he wants to beat the shit out of me. Gotta look my best! Maybe he'll punch me repeatedly in the kidneys and the stomach so it doesn't mark up my face. He's so thoughtful!

I decided to masturbate with shampoo instead of conditioner today. Because yolo. Things Jesus never said.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

Vampirism is not a contagious disease.

When boy likes you, you say no thank you. You don't kick him on the ground.

The roof was torn off the gym. God's way of telling the jocks that they'd better remember who's really charge.

It took Caine a few beats to get it. “No. Go kill yourself. Eat your own gun. No. No no no.”“You’re happy here counting fish and nagging kids to work?” Edilio asked.“He’s not,” Virtue said, beating Toto to the punch and earning an annoyed glance from Caine.“He’s only done it for two days since the battle, and he’s already bored.

Although they probably know that some children were used and some children are used as miners, most adults are ignorant of the chocolate industry’s use of minors.

I feel like getting married, or committing suicide, or subscribing to L'Illustration. Something desperate, you know.

I had this dream about you. We went hunting up in the mountains and I caught a unicorn. You told me now I know how it feels to be you.

I'm almost finished," said Wilhelm, wiping out a line with his sleeve and drawing over it."I never doubted you for a moment," said Vex, then looked at Aurora and spoke more softly. "I actually doubted him the whole time. He's really not very good."Wilhelm turned. "I'm standing right in front of you. I can hear literally every sound you make.""Wilhelm, please," said Vex, "this is a private conversation.

Some kleptomaniacs do not steal things only; they also, while some only, steal lovers.

Never put off till tomorrow what may be done day after tomorrow just as well.

She smiled again. "Do you like cat?" she said."Yes," said Richard. "I quite like cats."Anaesthesia looked relieved. "Thigh?" she asked, "or breast?

There are only two kinds of people who are really fascinating: people who know absolutely everything, and people who know absolutely nothing.

Those guys who want to have the Mohawk...which, to me, is the new business casual.

Stupid English.""English isn't stupid," I say."Well, my English teacher is." He makes a face. "Mr. Franklin assigned an essay about our favorite subject, and I wanted to write about lunch, but he won't let me.""Why not?""He says lunch isn't a subject."I glance at him. "It isn't.""Well," Jacob says, "it's not a predicate, either. Shouldn't he know that?

I’ve been working on something that merges rap with classical…. I call it Baby’s Got Bach.

You’d better tell me what you know, toad,” said Tiffany. “Miss Tick isn’t here. I am.”“Another world is colliding with this one,” said the toad. “There. Happy now? That’s what Miss Tick thinks. But it’s happening faster than she expected. All the monsters are coming back.”“Why?”“There’s no one to stop them.”There was silence for a moment.“There’s me,” said Tiffany.

If more Africans had eaten missionaries, the continent would be in better shape.

Can't stand all these poisonous creatures, all these snakes and insects and fish and things. Wretched things, biting everybody. And then people expect me to tell them what to do about it. I'll tell them what to do. Don't get bitten in the first place. (quoting Dr. Struan Sutherland)

Disappointments are often my greatest motivation.