Hilarious Quotes - Page 5

You know what? You know what? You know what?' I was waving my finger under her nose. 'You scratched the Son of God. That's your ass, that's what.

Nat is already laughing. We go through this every morning. She tells Nik I own a clown car.I glower at her while I put my foot up onto Nik’s lap and kick the passenger door while turning the ignition.She starts.Works every time.Nik looks like he’s not sure whether to laugh or get the hell out of the car.We’re on our way to work and Nat says, “Nik, turn on the radio.”He shakes his head and replies cynically, “I would but I’m scared the roof might fly off.”Nat and I burst into laughter. We laugh so much we both sob and laugh at the same time.

Dearest Annie, Roses are red. Violets are blue. I’m using my hand But I’m thinking of you. - Ronan P.S. Just to clarify, I’m using my hand to write this note…get your mind out of the gutter.

What are these? They look like scars." Meryn glanced down and realized he was talking about her stretch marks. Had he never seen stretch marks before?”“Those are called stretch marks.""Stretch marks? How did you get them?" "Human females get them when we grow. If we grow too fast our skin rips apart and heals. It's a very painful process." Meryn lied through her teeth. There was no way she was going to discuss stretch marks after the most mind blowing sex of her life. Nope. Wasn't going to happen. Aiden's expression became reverent."Human females are amazing creatures, you endure so much pain yet are so fragile." He kissed each shiny line.I'm going to hell.

Are they Russian by way of the Ozarks?

He liked murder. Murder and long walks had been two of his favorite things when he was younger.

Miniature Emilie came along. Lincoln could tell she was watching him, but he tried not to encourage her. He didn't want to betray Beth. They wouldn't let you ride Splash Mountain, he thought.

Moments later, Sona Kilroy, heading for the open doorway, stepped over the sergeant’s body. With an old auto-rifle in his left hand and his favorite sword in the other, and the sharp melodic din of bolts and bullets ringing in his ears, ‘the Hammer’ grinned an evil grin to himself, well pleased. He wished he could’ve seen the look on the face of Indomitable’s captain when he realized the tables had just been turned on him! The thought amused him. It was bloody hilarious. He cackled, reveling in this complete reversal of fortune. Then he stalked onward with conviction, a grim smile on his lips – intent on taking the ship for himself. * * *

The only good thing was that by midnight, even most of the bums had gone home to sleep it off. That was lucky for them, because Ray was the worst damn driver I’d ever seen. And that was after I jerked his head out of the duffel and parked it on the dashboard.“Gah! That makes it worse!” he told me, as I tried to get the eyes facing forward.“How can it possibly be worse?”“Because I got double vision now! Get it off! Get it off!”He batted at his own head and succeeded in sending it tumbling into Christine’s lap. She immediately went into hysterics and slapped it away. The head fell out of the car; Ray hit the brakes and we came to a screeching halt.“What are you doing?” I screeched, as he hopped out. “There are people firing at us!”“Tough!” came from somewhere under the car.

Nothing is as irritating to a shy man as a confident girl.

Just a few questions for you, Mr. Dunne. Or Kenny. Can I call you Kenny? I feel we've become friends in these past few seconds. Can I call you Kenny?

I am Detective Inspector Me. This is my partner, Detective Her."The traffic warden frowned. "Her?""Me," said Stephanie."Him?""Not me," said Skulduggery. "Her.""Me," said Stephanie."You?" said the traffic warden."Yes," said Stephanie. "I'm sorry, who are you?"Stephanie looked at him. "I'm Her, he's Me. Got it?

Who am I?What is my mission?

With these words there came the rending scream of a shattered stirk and an angry troubling of the branches as the poor madman percolated through the sieve of a sharp yew, a wailing black meteor hurtling through green clouds, a human prickles.

Hmmm... that's interesting.""What?""There seems to be a gentleman walking towards us with a shotgun.

Daniel?”I raise an eyebrow to match his expression. “Holder?”“What are you up to?”“I do not know what you are talking about,” I reply innocently.“You do know what I am talking about because when you are lying, you do not use contractions when you spe

I came up with my own expression. I like to make it hail. Yeah. That's when you throw change on sluts.

I am what prevents the Accelerator from being a bomb.""Except you didn't," said Gracious. "Because you weren't around.""I got bored.""You're a machine.""Machines can become bored, too."Gracious looked suddenly concerned. "My toaster is bored?""Perhaps, " said the Engineer. "I do not know many toasters.

Forgive me. I continue to underestimate the breadth of your ignorance.

somewhere between hello and I want this job, he'd lost all business sense and hired the pretty lady just because she wanted the job. Was it because she turned him into a seventeen-year-old with raging hormones?

You should find something better to do with your time,” Mandy told him. “I spend my time shooting people, and then I take them to darkrooms and blow them up.”“…Come again?” Alecto questioned with a tone of alarm in his voice. “I take photographs and develop them myself, I’ve got my own darkroom… it was a joke,” Mandy laughed. “I love photography and I’m gonna be a photojournalist someday.”“Really?” Alecto asked. For the first time since she’d met him, he sounded slightly enthusiastic. “…I take photographs and I film my own home movies, I have a darkroom as well… but I can’t be a photojournalist like you… I can’t be anything… still, at least I can take photographs, it’s fun.

Don’ttempt the scorpion if you don’t want toget stung.

The woman at the next table is making eyes at you,” Lanie said, whispering conspiratorially.“Really? What does she make them out of? Cloth?

You promise?""I cross the place where my heart used to be and wish to be even more deader than I am now.

Speaking of body decorations, I luuhhhvv your belly piercing!” Heeb said, looking at the gold ring in the center of her slim, tan waist. Despite the artic cold, Angelina had opted for a skin tight, black tube top that ended just above her belly, on the assumption that a warm cab, a winter coat, and a short wait to get into the club was an adequate frosty weather strategy. Heeb was still reverently staring at her belly when Angelina finally caught her breath from laughing.“Do you really like it? You’re just saying that so that you can check out my belly!”“And what’s so bad about that? I mean, didn’t you get that belly piercing so that people would check out your belly?”“No. I just thought it would look cool…Do you have any piercings?”“Actually, I do,” Heeb replied.“Where?”“My appendix.”“Huh?”“I wanted to be the first guy with a pierced organ. And the appendix is a totally useless organ anyway, so I figured why the hell not?”“That’s pretty original,” she replied, amused.“Oh yeah. I’ve outdone every piercing fanatic out there. The only problem is when I have to go through metal detectors at the airport.”Angelina burst into laughs again, and then managed to say, “Don’t you have to take it out occasionally for a cleaning?”“Nah. I figure I’ll just get it removed when my appendix bursts. It’ll be a two for one operation, if you know what I mean.

What are we going to do when we get into the temple, anyway? Are we going to fight our way through the Necromancers on our

-I am alergic to these flowers.-I know.

He wrote you a poem?" Evelyn looped her hand around Georgiana's arm and led the way to the chairs lining one side of the room."He did." Grateful to see Luxley select one of the debutantes as his next victim, Georgiana accepted a glass of Madeira from one of the footman. After three hours of quadrilles, waltzes, and country dances, her feet ached. "And you know what rhymes with Georgiana, don't you?"Evelyn wrinkled her brow, her gray eyes twinkling. "No, what?""Nothing. He just put 'iana' after every ending word. In iambic trimeter, yet. 'Oh, Georgiana, your beauty is my sunlightiana, your hair is finer than goldiana, your—' "Lucinda made a choking sound.

I'm a little bit naked, but that's okay.

She’s like a cross between an onion and donkey,” Farah said.“Why?” Jason and Connor asked simultaneously.“Cause she’s a piece of ass that will bring a tear to your eye.” Farah laughed.

We watch television and we play music, but mostly we've found ways to amuse ourselves." "Really?" Valkyrie asked. "Like what?"Plight's smile faded. "Like human sacrifice."He grabbed one arm and Lenka grabbed the other and Valkyrie cried out.They both let go, laughing."Naw," Plight said," we just play board games.

I have a black belt in sarcasm, and my wit is like lightning.

Fat men take a cushion with them wherever they go.

Let's pray that the human race never escapes Earth to spread its iniquity elsewhere.

Well--to put it briefly--Arianna and I had become--well--friends.""I see.""Nothing improper, you understand," Lelldorin said quickly. "But our friendship was such that--well--we didn't want to be separated." The young Asturian's face appealed to his friend for understanding. "Actually," he went on, "it was a little more than 'didn't want to.' Arianna told me she'd die if I left her behind.""Possibly she was exaggerating," Garion suggested."How could I risk it, though?" Lelldorin protested. "Women are much more delicate than we are-- besides, Arianna's a physician. She'd know if she'd die, wouldn't she?

What are you doing sister? / Killing swine.

Ear demons are totally real," Cody said. "They're what make microphones like these ones work. They're also what tell you to eat the last slice of pie when you know Tia wanted it.

Don’t do that? This is your sage advice?”“Yeah.” He burped and blew it out the side of his mouth. “Sorry, the burritos we had for lunch are kinda comin’ back on me.

This isn't the first time I've used this, and the test subject showed no signs of impaired cognitive ability.""Who was the test subject?" asked Aurora."I test everything out on myself before taking it into the field."She stared at him. "You zapped your own brain?""And it didn't do me any harm apart from the dizziness and the vomiting spells and the weirdly persistent ringing in my ears. Also the blackouts and the mood swings and the creeping paranoia. Apart from that, zero side effects, if you don't count the numb fingertips. Which I don't.

Did those nice church ladies come by again?" He nodded. "I asked them if a man died and then the woman remarried, and then the three of them met in heaven, would it be a sin for them to have a threesome, since they were all married in God's eye. And they decided they were late to be somewhere else.

The Engineer smiled (internally, for of course it had no mouth). It was feeling good. It was feeling optimistic. Moving at its current speed, it would arrive back in Ireland in plenty of time to shut everything down before a series of overloads and power loops inevitably led to a sequence of events which would, in turn, eventually lead to the probable destruction of the world. The Engineer wasn't worried.And then the truck hit it.

At present, however, with his aching head and queasy stomach, Sebastian was feeling exceedingly resistible. Or if not that, then resistant. Aphrodite herself could descend from the ceiling, floating on a bloody clamshell, naked but for a few well-placed flowers, and he‘d likely puke at her feet.No, no, she ought to be completely naked. If he was going to prove the existence of a goddess, right here in this room, she was damned well going to be naked.He‘d still puke on her feet, though.

He looked at Ghastly. "Thoughts?""I want to kill Sanguine," was the first thing Ghastly said. "And I want to do it slowly, in front of a lot of people. Using a hammer."Skulduggery nodded. "Very healthy.

Has that obscenely rich fucker upset you again?

I find a good cliche very comforting in times of stress." said the Sage

Sionnach smiled in the way of the falsely modest and added, "Forgive me for not standing, but I can't find the energy just yet."the answering heat flare was enough to raise the temperature in the cave, enough to explain the fine sheen of sweat on Sionnach's body. It wasn't comfortable, but it was useful at hiding the truth. He waited as Keenan's gaze took in the candles, the glasses beside the bed, and the fact that Sionnach was seemingly naked. There were moments in every faery's life that were too perfect to have been planned, and Sionnach was having just such a moment as he reclined in Rika's bed grinning while the faery who had caused such upheaval in Rika's life—and in their desert—very obviously misinterpreted the clues.

Forgive me for saying so, Your Highness," Clarissa said slowly, "but for one as unaccustomed to good deeds as you, perhaps it would be best if you started with one on a smaller scale. Something like, I don't know, spreading bread crumbs for birds?""Birds?" Valentina stared at Clarissa as if she had sprouted wings and would fly off. "Why on earth would I wish to feed birds?""It was just a thought," Clarissa murmured.

Everything ok here ?"Ryan grunted urging her with a hand on her lower back."He thinks you should mind your own business,"Makenna told the Beta,translating the grunt.Dominic cocked his head."You understand his grunts?"She lifted her chin."I thought it was crystal clear."Dominic turned to Ryan."Marry her."Ryan grunted again before heading for the door."What did he say?"Dominic asked her."Fuck off,"she translated.

To increase the chances of a writer trying to kill themselves, cut off their hands.

Where will we go?""I hear hell is particularly nice at this time of year.

The average adult hates being treated like a child, unless it suits them.

We would not be ashamed of doing some of the things we do in private, if the number of sane human beings who do them in public were large enough.

So...Now that we got that over with, let's get back to love at first sight, Evan said. Not infatuation at first sight...Love. With a capital L, he clarified.Love? Heeb asked, playfully pretending not to know the concept.Yeah. The real thing. The conviction that if you had this one woman, all other women would become irrelevant. You'd never again be unhappy And you'd give up anything to have her and keep her.You've experienced that?Only once. And I haven't stopped thinking about it ever since.Tell me more.Sometimes I think that I still chase women just to forget about her. Because I know I can never have her. But I can't seem to forget about her, no matter what girl I'm chasing...No one can possibly compare....Who is she?Delilah, Evan said wistfully.Delilah?, asked Heeb, intriguedDelilah Nakova, Evan replied, with a hint of awe and reverence in his voice.

Doing nothing is hard. You never know when you’re done. —T-SHIRT

If the shoe fits, buy another one just like it.

Oh, my God!" Ignatius bellowed from the front of the house. "What an egregious insult to good taste.

Oh man, Alex. That's sad. Seriously, mate, go get yourself laid.""What?" He gave Baldrick a quick kiss on his little head--he didn't care how stupid he looked, he loved his ugly cat--and put him down on his kitty bed in the corner."Isn't that what single sad people do--get cats when they've given up on human companionship?

No way, that would kill my diet for the week. I don't know how you can stand to eat so unhealthy, Quinn. Just consider it an amuse-biatch.

The fact that you have just buried your parent or parents and/or sibling or siblings does not make you less likely to die today.

Elizabeth smiled warmly. "For you I will allow it, Mr. Trask. How is your wife, sir? Still putting up with you, or has she finally come to her senses and run away?" Trask laughed, slapping his knee. "I see married life has not tamed that wit of yours, Miss Elizabeth! Well done! Your poor hus- band, to be saddled with such a wench!" Lizzy assumed a mournful face. "Yes, it is a tragic affair. It is merely a matter of time ere a cell at Bedlam will be his home.