Funny Quotes - Page 9

The Shrink always warned me that carriers stay wracked with lifelong guilt. It's not an uplifting thing having turned lovers into monsters. We feel bad that we haven't turned into monsters ourselves--survivor's guilt, that's called. And we feel a bit stupid that we didn't notice our own symptoms earlier. I mean, I'd been sort of wondering why the Atkins diet was giving me night vision. But that hadn't seemed like something to worry about...

What the heck kind of name was Sir?

What starts in the heart doesn't stay in the heart, it either turn into action or words.

Love is the emotion that a woman feels always for a poodle dog and sometimes for a man.

He would have shaved the centaurs, dipped them in honey, covered them with feathers, and hung them up like a bunch of pinatas. I'm just saying." - Warren

No kind of social system can make you more happier and secure than your own money.

Chalk again?" Cal seemed almost disappointed. "Too bad there's no chalk monster."Penn snorted with amusement. Chalk monster. That was like saying it was a vampire. Everyone knew vampires didn't exist. Zombies who drank blood to stay alive. Ridiculous.

Just because we don't understand why they'd cover up something doesn't mean they aren't," Bobby said, and we both turned to look at him. "Now you just sound paranoid," I said. "Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not after you," Bobby said with an expression so serious that I couldn't help but laugh.

Normally, she would never wish a head injury on anyone, but it might make her days in Archival Studies a bit easier.

You are judged many times more by what you do in groups than for what you do as individuals.

We were surrounded by thirty-foot-tall giants who were about to kill us. Then the sky opened up, and the gods descended.""Grandad," the kids said, "you are full of schist." "I'm not kidding!" he protested.

And why was I sitting on the curb? I honestly didn’t know, but it was better than being inside my apartment, all alone. And yeah, I was alone out here, but it didn’t feel that way. I was pretty sure there was a squirrel over by the tree, so that counted for something, right?

I live in my own little world. But its ok, they know me here.

If everyone in the world sat quietly at the same time, closed their eyes and concentrated as hard as they could on peace and goodwill, all the killing and cruelty in the world would continue. And probably increase.

Principal Totty was one of those people who frown while they’re speaking, and then smile at the end of each sentence. It was weird. It was like there were two different people inside her brain.

What I don’t get is how this helps me. You two get superpowers, and I get what?”Cian smiled broadly. “You have a power, Meggie. You have a magical pussy. It was sleeping with you together that brought us into our power. That vagina of yours is pure gold, lover.” Meg gave Cian a playful shove and rolled her eyes while he and his brother had a good laugh.“Don’t go expecting to use it on anyone else,” Beck said as though the thought had suddenly occurred to him. “That only works on the two of us.”Meg walked up to him and gave him a saucy smile. “Yes, Beck, I was planning on opening up shop. I was going to hang a sign on the cottage door and charge for it.

Thus, in moments of catastrophe, when hard decisions needed to be made quickly, all AIs included in their calculations a human death toll governed by a factor called ‘pigheadedness’.

I said,’What’s your problem?’ Asshole.” There was a question behind his question, and that shadow question was ‘Do you want to dance?

Those of little understanding say the world will soon end. It is the current age that is coming to an end. The end of this age is the beginning of the next.

I grunted, hauling the rope hand over hand. A plaintive squeak came from the pulley system with each draw, as if I had strapped some unfortunate mouse to a torture device and was twisting with glee.

Of course they were eaten,� he retorted, his eyes flashing in cold humour. “Trolls generally aren’t exactly renowned for being vegetarians.

Self-doubt is a persuasive mistress careful not to shag her or you’ll never get your balls back.” - Simon Hunt

Whoever said that a drunk mind speaks sober thoughts...was clearly still drunk off their ass. -Jackson 'Blame It on the Pain

He's all right. His hair is cute."Jonas froze, his lobster fork halfway to his mouth. " Oh my God, you're in love.""I'm not in love.""'his hair is cute'? You never say anything nice about anyone. Coming from you, cute hair is a mating call."" I talked to the guy for thirty seconds. And then he waved at me while i was in the tank.""Holy fuck, you're getting married, aren't you!"" Will you simmer. I certainly am not.

In lieu of Tasers, you'll have to hit me. Hard as you can. Then maybe some kind of fight-or-flight response will kick in and I'll turn into a bat to get away from you.""Fight or flight.""Yes.""Only half of that is flight.

He fanned his fingers and spider lines cracked the ice. Seconds later the tea boiled.“You control tea?”Jayden’s satisfied smile faltered. “No. I…I control water. The tea, the actual plant doesn’t change, however—” He caught my look and nodded. “Ohhh. You were being facetious.”“If that means joking, yes I was

I tore off another chuck of muffin and stared down at my chest. I shrugged and dabbed the muffin in the cum and popped it in my mouth. "I can't believe you just did that!" "Yeah," I snarled up my lip, "didn't quite think that one through all the way.

Wyatt should’ve looked ridiculous sitting on the floor, leaning into the crate makingkissykiss noises at the cat, but he didn’t. He looked … mouthwatering. “Hey, sweet thing,” he said in a low cajoling voice. “Come on out. I’ll gonna love you up, I promise. You know you want some of that.”“Oh, please,” Emily said on a laugh to cover up the fact that her bones melted at thesound of him. “That’s never going to work—“But hell if the cat didn’t shift ever so slightly closer to Wyatt and sniff at him.Wyatt flashed both Sweetie and Emily a smile. “Aw, that’s it,” he crooned to thesuspicious, wary cat. “Come on, baby girl, all the way. I’ll be good to you, I promise.”Emily laughed again, even as she felt her nipples tighten. She crossed her arms over herchest. “Honestly, Wyatt, no selfrespecting female – cat or woman – is going to—

I hate goblins.

I don’t give sick days if you’re playing in the snow.” He’s being funny, or trying to be funny. I can never tell which.

Headline?" he asked."'Swing Set Needs Home,'" I said."'Desperately Lonely Swing Set Needs Loving Home,'" he said."'Lonely, Vaguely Pedophilic Swing Set Seeks the Butts of Children,'" I said.

Shh." I squeeze his hand. His palm feels clammy. "We have to keep it down, okay? We don't want my dad coming in."He grits his teeth against more shivers. "Always knew I'd end up in your bed . . . and hear you say those words one day." He manages a smirk.Jeb snarls. "Unbelievable. Even when he's at death's door he's a tool." He arranges a pillow beneath Morpheus's neck. "Why don't you keep your mouth shut while we help you."Morpheus laughs weakly, his skin flashing with blue light. "What say Alyssa"--his breath rattles--"give my mouth something else to do?

Patch leaned back against the booth and arched his eyebrows at me. The gesture said it all: Pay up."You got lucky," I

Wisdom of the Ages "US News Media" If the devil is the father of all lies, isn't the US News Media their bitchy stepmother?

You think that killing people will make them like you more, but it doesn't,it just makes them dead.

Have you ever heard someone say 'I shouldn't have trusted my intuition'?

Wintertime is the best time of the year to get really fat.

The ones who constantly make us laugh are the hardest of friends to know - for comedians are the caricatures among us.

Elise hid her face in his shoulder, embarassed, "Kane! What will they think?" She whispered against his neck."That we're newly bonded and I can't keep my hands off of my lovely mate." And sure enough, the good natured calls that accompanied them across the yard left her in no doubt that the others were thinking exactly that.

I'm done. I'm going to go to bed and read important books about theater.""It would would be easier if you just said porn," Scarlett said."No idea what you're talking about. But knock first if you need me.

Don’t do anything stupid.""Don’t worry," I whispered over the line, "I’m an expert on stupid.""You’re...""Like, I can spot stupidity, because I know it so well. The way an exterminator knows bugs really well, and can spot where they’ve been? I’m like that. A stupidinator.""Never say that word again," Prof said.

If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

Look,” she said, “apparently you bring out my inner slut. I’m not going to thank you for that.”Wyatt smiled that sexy smile of his. “I could make you.”She pointed a finger at his nose. And then lowered it so it was pointed at another part of his anatomy entirely. “Don’t even think about it.”“Oh, I won’t,” he said silkily. “But you will.”And she knew he was right.

Go thy way, and tell my people, the people of thy Lord God what manner of things, and how great wonders of the Lord thy God, thou hast seen.

That's your truck parked up by the factory isn't it?" Magnus pointed. "It's awfully butch for a bookseller.

I go in on your arm and we separate. To make me look unavailable, since Vlad likes what he can’t have, I play dumb blonde and make myself sexy.” I glared as Adam barked with laughter at my words.“No going off of the plan, when he takes you in the back room—and he will, you work the information out of him without blowing your cover, or him.” I shot the glare to Ryder. “I have no intention of bobbing on Vlad’s knob. Or yours.” I tossed into remove the wide smirk my response had given him and it worked.

Finding the book was like kissing a lightning bolt.

The small amount of foolery wise men have makes a great show.

I am so happy that I grew up knowing the word of God, the spirit of discernment in me is 24hrs activated, I can differentiate between light and darkness. I put on the amour of God even when the whole world is going to hell, I refuse to join them. The light in me shall overshadow every power of darkness.

Hungry Joe was crazy, and no one knew it better than Yossarian, who did everything he could to help him. Hungry Joe just wouldn’t listen to Yossarian. Hungry Joe just wouldn’t listen because he thought Yossarian was crazy

I was beginning to think that Simon just had a bad case of OCD, ADD, and PMS. With a little BS and OMG mixed in.

Well, friend, I don’t know about your tastes, but I tend to like it very bloody,” Myrnin said. He shifted position, dragging Claire along like a rag doll without any effort at all. “Have we been introduced?”“Probably not. Why, are you asking me out, sweetheart?”“You’re not my type, darling. Is this one yours?”“No,” Frank said, and looked at Shane, just in a quick flicker. “Let’s say she’s a friend of the family.

When you learn to have the heart of praise in the presence of your enemies, you set the table; if you can work with God in darkness enough depending on the light that He showed you in the last season, you will learn to read your enemies as a sign that it is time to eat. ( a bit deep). Whenever you sense a crisis in your life, note that your harvest is near.

The thing that had been, it is that which shall be; And that which is done is that which shall be done.

I want to change my life...except I sort of like it. I mean, I couldn't be more delighted every Monday night after Fletch goes to bed when I come downstairs, pull up the Bachelor on TiVo, drink Riesling, and eat cheddar/port wine Kaukauna cheese without freakign out over fat grams. I'm perpetually in a good mood because I do everything I want. I love having the freedom to skip the gym to watch a Don Knots movie on the Disney Channel without a twinge of guilt. I've figured out how to not be beholden to what other people believe I should be doing, and when the world tells me I ought to be a size eight, I can thumb my nose at them in complete empowerment.

He spun out enough toilet paper to vandalize a house and carefully cleaned the seat.

Some people ate less food less often when they each had a home than they now do as hobos.

I just thought of a great theory that explains everything. When I went to that party, I was abducted by aliens. They have created a fake Earth and fake high school to study me and my reactions. This certainly explains cafeteria food.

Offstage, I couldn't put things into words, and that was the one thing I'd always been able to rely on. Putting my feelings into words and praying they wouldn't be able to get out again.

We are about to be eaten by a dragon, you’re crawling on bleeding hands through bat droppings, and you’re worried about being proper?