Funny Quotes - Page 75

If I had been born in the 1700′s, presumably children had a bigger vocabulary than I had which means I wouldn’t have been able to recite fairy tales to kids because I’m not smart enough.You know…?I’d have to be like…..uh:In time passed, though not long ago, there lived three pigs in stature, little in number, three, who being of an age both entitled and inspired to seek their fortune did set about to do thusly.When they had traveled a distance, pig numbered first spake saying, “Harken Brethren, head this impetuous realm! Tarry me far from hearth and home I fear we shall fair *snort* not well!” And so being collectively agreed, but individually impaled, the diminutive swine sought each to erect himself an abode.....

You're not just doing that to impress her, are you?""Everything I do is to impress her. It's my mission in life," he said with a completely serious face, while he squeezed my knee under the table. Mom burst out laughing. "I like him," she said."Me too. I think I'll keep him," I said, taking his hand and twisting my fingers with his. "Good," he said, giving my hand a squeeze.

Ceres wanted a united front in the plant war.""The plant war," Percy said. "You're going to arm all the little grapes with tiny assault rifles?

...a row of tables manned by seated, serious women. Each woman looked like she could be someone's least-favourite aunt.

For what religion has never had sects? Rest assured, Extremism is always the derrière.

Bike lane: the section of the road that accommodates wide loads and has speed bumps to protect drunk drivers.

You look worse today than you did when you had two blackeyes.”“Why, thank you, Tyler. You always say the sweetest things.

When in doubt, poke the beehive with a stick to see if anything interesting flies out.I clapped my hands. 'I had no idea Pit teams had such pretty cheerleaders. Can you do it again, but with more spirit this time?

Valkyrie stood there and waited for her to start making sense."There is a vegetable-plant hybrid we've been working on, modifying the genes and receptors, mutating the proteins and acids so that they are, in effect, neurotransmitters. Our work on the synapses alone has been quite illuminating."Valkyrie stood there and waited for her to start making sense.

Is this about what happened to you and the old Sector 7?” I asked with a growl of my own.His hands tightened their grip on my shoulders. “How did you know about that?” “Tabby-Chan told me.”“Freaking Meko-Chan,” Kuroi uttered, “I swear, that kid is gonna get it. What did she tell you, exactly?”“She told me not to tell you that she told me what you told her.” I realized what I said. “Oops.” ~Luna's POV, Clash of the Clans: Shinobi 7 Companion Book #1

I moved to assist, but never got the chance. there was some pretty violent banging for a minute, and then a tearing sound. Finally the stall door flew open, and Ray's shirtless body emerged and started bitch-slapping everything in sight.His aim was off, probably due to the difficulty of having his eyes on the other side of the room, but he made up for it with sheer determination.

I'd never been a good damsel in distress. I was a "hands-on" damsel.

Why does everyone have to pretend to be stupid and not know long words?

... but to remain historically accurate, I would have had to leave out an important question that I felt needed to be addressed, which is, 'What if Jesus had known kung fu?

A little vanilla never hurt anybody.” He nipped her ankle. “Great shoes by the way. Sexy as hell.

Dear Literary World, Sorry for breaking down your door...I'll pay for that!!! Since I'm here and planning to stay a while, let me tell you some stories!!

(True,) the white hole said. (My name is Khairelikoblepharehglukumeilichephreidosd'enagouni-) and at the same time he went flickering through a pattern of colors that was evidently the visual translation.

Well, clearly not. Goodness boss, just look at those filthy paws. I’ve never seen any fish carry paws like those. Usually they are cleaner.

[Thou] mad mustachio purple-hued maltworms!

Is that a stake, Bones, or are you just happy with my new dress?”“In this case, it’s a stake. You could always feel around for something more, though. See what comes up.

I was going straight for Mantis, but then that bloody gas got in my eyes and, I don't know, some massive bloke reared up in front of me. I hit him, but I swear, it was like hiting a wall."Gracious nodded. "You hit a wall."Maybury blinked at him. "I what?""I saw it. You ran into a cloud of gas and stumbled around for a second until you reached a wall, and then you shrieked and punched it. It was very heroic.

You're never too old, too wacky, too wild, to pick up a book and read to a child.

...you don't care because you're all that and I'm just an artery in a dress.

Writers are highly resistant to reality. Just as well or the human condition would go undocumented.

I had no idea that marriage was only supposed to be between two people who wanted to get between the sheets and make more people. What ever happened to marrying for love— or to get on your partner’s health insurance policy, or for presents? No one was going to buy two people in their thirties a four-slice toaster if we just continued to live in sin.

What you're experiencing isn't a dry spell. It's a dust bowl. Tell me, do you find cob webs in there every time you get yourself off?

As Confucius once said, "He who does nothing is the one who does nothing."'Gabby pondered the words, the furrowed her brow. 'did Confucius really say that?'Sunglasses in place, Stephanie managed the tiniest of shrugs. 'No, but who cared? The point is, they handled, and most likely they found some sort of self-satisfaction in their industrious-ness. Who am I to deprive them of that?'Gabby put her hands on her hips. 'Or maybe you just wanted to be lazy.'Stephanie grinned. 'Like Jesus said, "Blessed are the lazy who lie in boats, for they shall inherit a suntan."''Jesus didn't say that.''True,' Stephanie afreed, sitting up. She removed her glasses, stared through them, then wiped them on a towel. 'But again, who cares?

The medium is the message, the message is encrypted, and the encryption key is controlled by NSA.

Yo, beautiful. Come pop this collar off me.”Natalya hissed, “Are you mad?”“What’s she gonna do? Vivisect me? Imprison me? We’ve got a pact to fulfill,remember?” To Dorada, she cried, “Seriously, sweetheart, shake that mummified ass over here.”Regin kicked the glass. “Lemme the fuck out—”La Dorada swung her head around,peering at Regin with her one eye.“Okay. That’s freaky. Lookit, Gollum, if you spring me, I’ll help you find your Precious.

Marketing is so powerful that it can make even an extremely untalented musician a one-hundred-hits wonder.

The sun, with all those planets revolving around it and dependent on it, can still ripen a bunch of grapes as if it had nothing else in the universe to do.

Arthur shook his head and sat down. He looked up.“I thought you must be dead …” he said simply.“So did I for a while,” said Ford, “and then I decided I was a lemon for a couple of weeks. I kept myself amused all that time jumping in and out of a gin and tonic.

I handed him a beaker and toyed with the pleats of my skirt. The folds kept rippling against my knees in a distracting way. It was one of Naomi's additions to my wardrobe. I quickly decided that I hated it.

Stand up upon the right side, and I shall expound the similitude unto thee.

If one billion of you watch and do not intercede as one million of you assent to the one thousand who participate in the murder of a child, then one billion of you are a billion times guilty.

Who is this repulsive dwarf?

Brooke?" he finally found the sense to ask. "What are you doing here?""I need a gun."This was not how his dream was supposed to go.

I have been scientifically studying the traits and dispositions of the “lower animals” (so-called,) and contrasting them with the traits and dispositions of man. I find the result profoundly humiliating to me. For it obliges me to renounce my allegiance to the Darwinian theory of the Ascent of Man from the Lower Animals; since it now seems plain to me that that theory ought to be vacated in favor of a new and truer one, this new and truer one to be named the Descent of Man from the Higher Animals.

We broke up in eighth grade when Tara-Mae Forrester offered to let me touch her boobs. And I did.

You really think love needs to have a future?”“Absolutely.”“Good,” Lily said. “So do I.”“Good,” I echoed, leaning in. “So do you.”“Don’t repeat what I say,” she told me, swatting at my arm.“Don’t repeat what I say,” I murmured, smiling.“You’re being silly,” she said, but the silliness was falling out of her voice.“You’re being silly,” I assured her.“Lily is the greatest girl who ever was.”I drew closer. “Lily is the greatest girl who ever was.”For a moment, I think we’d forgotten where we were.And then the officers returned, and we were reminded once again.

Shadowmane sighed as well. :We had better do what this Topaz commands. Unicorns are jerks when they don’t get their way.:

(The Mona Lisa), that really is the ugliest portrait I’ve seen, the only thing that supposedly makes it famous is the mystery behind it,” Katherine admitted as she remembered her trips to the Louvre and how she shook her head at the poor tourists crowding around to see a jaundiced, eyebrow-less lady that reminded her of tight-lipped Washington on the dollar bill. Surely, they could have chosen a better portrait of the First President for their currency?

The priest DID have it coming, though," Lelldorin declared hotly."What priest?""The priest of Chaldan at that little chapel who wouldn't marry us because Arianna couldn't give him a document proving she had her family's consent. He was very insulting.""Did you break anything?""A few of his teeth is about all-- and I stopped hitting him as soon as he agreed to perform the ceremony.

But the purpose of the book is not the horror, it is horror's defeat.

Advertisements contain the only truths to be relied on in a newspaper.

Im James Bond. Im Jason Bourne. Im Super-freaking-Mario come to life.

Goodfellow snickered."Wouldn't be any fun if we didn't run into some sort of catastrophe." Pulling his dagger ,he waved me on."After you,your highness.Puck to Ash

I don’t think I’m crazy, but then again, define crazy.

The smell of new office supplies is so satisfying while being kicked out of Staples for inappropriate behavior with a file folder is so embarrassing.

Neil Mars?! I could blame him for having killer looks but he could not be faulted for this. He couldn’t have chosen that name for himself. No wonder he tortures his Mom by calling her by her name.

I want to do it too!” said Gazzy, sitting very, very quietly, completely motionless.“Nope,” said Nudge, shaking her head. “You stand out like a fart in church.

I always thought it's way more important to be funny or to be honest than to look any certain way

I broke up with this girl, and they put me with a psychiatrist who said, 'Why did you get so depressed, and do all those things you did?' I said, 'I wanted this girl and she left me.'And he said,'Well, we have to look into that.'And I said, 'There's nothing to look into! I wanted her and she left me.' And he said, 'Well, why are you feeling so intense?'And I said, 'Cause I want the girl!' And he said, 'What's underneath it?' And I said, 'Nothing!'He said, 'I'll have to give you medication.'I said, 'I don't want medication! I want the girl!'And he said, 'We have to work this through.'So, I took a fire extinguisher from the casement and struck him across the back of his neck. And before I knew it, guys from Con Ed had jumper cables in my head and the rest was...

It is weird to me on how people will come to church frequently and have absolutely no desire or intention to change anything about their life based on what they experienced in the church.

Err on the side of awesome.

God takes two and make them one but satan takes one and make it two.

According to the fortune-cookie logic most people live by, the best things in life are free. That's crap. I have a gold-plated robot that scratches the exact part of my back where my hands can't reach, and it certainly wasn't free.

That wasn’t so bad,” I decided, after downing the shot. Maybe I was getting my rhythm. “Because you threw it over your shoulder,” Scarface told me, looking smug. “Did not.” I looked behind me, only to see an outraged vamp with fey wine dripping down his face. “Oops.” “It was for luck,” Ray said defensively, wrapping both my hands around a glass. “Drink!” I drank.

I had a dream about you last night.. You pretended not to be a three hole punch.

I was performing my ritual of sipping tea, shooting flirtatious glances and planning murder