Funny Quotes - Page 60

I've never felt so bereft and panicky. What do I do without my phone? How do I function? My hand keeps automatically reaching for my phone in its usual place in my pocket. Every instinct in me wants to text someone, 'OMG, I've lost my phone! ' but how can do that without a bloody phone?

What’s going on?� Ingrid asked. “Listen, nothing bad today, please.� She pulled a chair out and sat down. Faye stared at her and said the words as quickly as she could. “I’m just going to give it to you straight as I can. Mila is a witch.� Ingrid busted out with a laugh. “I wouldn’t call her that,� she said. “That’s a little harsh, isn’t it?� She poured the juice into her glass and took a drink. “What did the brat do this time?� She set her glass down.

I'm sorry I missed the meeting and hurt your little feely-weels okay?

As I reflect on all my friends and colleagues in my life on this special occasion... Mother is only half the word that immediately comes to mind.

Henry narrowed his eyes at me. "You going somewhere?""Lacrosse field trip," I said. "I enjoy whacking the hell out of people with mallets.

It's hard to believe someone who walks around commanding so much attention with his acute cockiness, hard muscles, and tattoos would ever let someone like me bring him to his knees-and make no mistake, I bring him to his knees. I bring him to his knees, hard.

Idiot," I said, before grinning broadly and crushing his mouth to mine. "We need to pick new pet names for each other," he muttered as I hefted myself up from the ground.

Pause while reading a book only in case of two things:1. To kiss2. To sip coffeeToo bad both are a luxury.

All superheroes have origin stories, like how Bruce Wayne’s parents get killed and he goes to Tibet or whatever, and Superman is an alien, and Spiderman had that radioactive spider. Me? I kissed a janitor in the school bathroom

You know it feels good. I can hardly geta…I don’t even…”There was something amusing about watching him trying to form a coherent sen-tence. Amusing, but arousing at the sametime.

And you'd think that killing people would make them like you, but it doesn't. It just- it just makes them dead.

We may not be all that bright, Jace said, but at least we are alive.

hey. I just wanted to make sure you got home," I say. "Katniss, I live three houses away from you," he says.

I wont take no for an answer. I will use this to bind you to my bed until you change your mind if you dont answer the way I want you to. Will you marry me?"She grinned. "I dont know." Her attention fixed on the tie for a few seconds before she met his gaze again. "I might be tempted to say no just to get you to tie me to your bed.

The New World Order is established by degrees. The first degree is truth of the one subject, which follows from the existence and the oneness of the universe, and from the ancient belief that God is all-knowing.

My eye was drawn to a bright green hue, the same shade as a poisonous Amazonian frog, the tiny, delightfully deadly ones.

This is an Aston Martin, Gin.You don't run over dead bodies in an Aston Matin.""Tell that to James Bond

Special Super Bowl Wisdom of the Ages: "Unger Games" If your meals depend on you beating the Seahawks, you're gonna go "'Unger-y.

Dana was what Steve called a "silent partner" in the Brixton Brothers Detective Agency. Being a silent partner meant that Dana didn't carry a business card, that his name didn't appear on the company letterhead, and he wanted nothing to do with the Brixton Brothers Detective Agency.

put my hand in front of her finger, thinking, 'She’s a magician; it might be loaded.

I felt bad for the girls in my school, who flocked to prom like it was the second coming of Christ, complete with double-rainbows and unicorns.

I spilled spot remover on my dog now he's gone.

To tell you the truth. I am a wild and passionate novelist. I am therefore easily given over to telling wild and passionate lies.

I frowned as my fingers throbbed. “Wait a sec. There’s a chance I can’t work with fire and you let me do that?”“How else am I going to figure out your limitations?”“What the hell!” I pulled my hand free, furious. “That’s not cool, Blake. What’s next? Trying to stop a moving vehicle by standing in front of it, but whoops, I can’t do that and now I’m dead?

Just shut up and talk. - Shella

Do I look like the kind of person who wastes time turning goats into pin cushions?

Death is not considerate, or fair.

Sorry I'm late," Ms. Egami said to the class. She dropped her papers, which scattered in that special way papers do when one is running late.

I'm a little bit naked, but that's okay.

What did Isabelle want?" Jace asked.Alec hesitated. "Isabelle says the Queen of the Seelie Court has requested an audience with us.""Sure," said Magnus. "And Madonna wants me as a backup dancer on her next world tour."Alec looked puzzled. "Who's Madonna?""Who's the Queen of the Seelie Court?" said Clary."She is the Queen of Faerie," said Magnus. "Well, the local one, anyway."Jace put his head in his hands. "Tell Isabelle no.""But she thinks it's a good idea," Alec protested."Then tell her no twice.

Shouldn’t you be at your posts?” Jayden stepped up.Logan nodded.“Just talking about…girl stuff,” Tristan said.“Mascara,” Blake said.“What?” Tristan said.“Leaving.” Logan shoved the boys.Jayden leaned in. “There’s something the others wish to remain secret. But I think having the knowledge would be beneficial. You’re—”“Bait.” I didn’t bother to hide my grin.“Precisely, but don’t be alarmed because—” He jerked back. “You know?”“I do.”Jayden stared blankly, then patted my head. “Excellent.

Judy went back to Paulie’s place, but either he wasn’t home or he wasn’t answering his door. After banging on the door for four minutes, then waiting another ten, she decided she’d probably have to find someplace else to crash today She wished she’d taken the time to actually have a few friends.

You really are a pain in the ass,” he laughs. I swat him playfully, laughing too as a single tear rolls down my cheek. He wipes it away and tucks my hair behind my ear, “But you’re my pain in the ass.

I have my priorities and I know my purpose. I do not Praise God because of my pain but I praise Him because of what the pain is producing.

She’s like a cross between an onion and donkey,” Farah said.“Why?” Jason and Connor asked simultaneously.“Cause she’s a piece of ass that will bring a tear to your eye.” Farah laughed.

If you call yourself an "authoress" on your Facebook profile, you suck at life. You are stupid and your children are ugly. It doesn't matter if you're just trying to be cute and original. You're not. You are about as original as all those other witless twits "writing" the one millionth shitty Fifty Shades clone. Or maybe you're trying to show your 2000 fake Facebook "friends" that you are an empowered feminist who will not stand for sexist terminology. But you're not showing people that you are fighting the good fight, you're showing people that you are a sheep, who's trying just a little too hard to ride the current wave of idiotic political correctness. The word "author" is no more gender-discrimination than the word "person." Do you call yourself a personess? No, of course not, because then you might as well wear a sign around your neck that says, "Hello, I'm a retard.

I tried to picture a bunch of guys in blue suits running around a beachside neighborhood, knocking on doors and flashing Fed creds. That should cause a stampede of illegal aliens heading south.

It’s complicated,” I said in defense, hands going up to show surrender.“Talk slowly,” Jenna retorted derisively.“Okay, I deserved that,” I admitted.

Boredom can be a lethal thing on a small island.

Log Entry: SOL 118My conversation with NASA about the Water Reclaimer was boring and riddled with technical details. So I'll paraphrase for you:Me: "This is obviously a clog. How about I take it apart and check the internal tubing?"NASA: (After about 5 hours of deliberation) "No. You'll fuck it up and die."So I took it apart.

Revenge of the Giant Grill Man.

David tells me that fairies never say 'We feel happy': what they say is, 'We feel dancey'.

Oh, well, that's not bad, I suppose. I mean, I'd prefer devastatingly sophisticated - but almost endearing is more than I could have hoped for under the circumstances.

You will stay with me. You will sleep here at my side and you will touch me. I am depressed but not when you stroke my chest.

Stay in the car Nick""okay."Ash gets out abd goes to look at the dead body."For an immortal being with 11,000 years under his belt Ash sure is stupid." Nick gets out and sees the blood."That's a lot of blood." Nick's book starts sending him an alert. "What Lassie? You going to tell Timmy about the well?" pulls out book, and opens it. words start to appear.LOOK AND YOUWILL SEE THATWHICH WAS CANNEVER BE.WHEN THEYSEEK A BOYYOUR AGE...... RUN, YOUFLIPPINMORON, RUN!"I'm not gonna argue with my book on that. The safest place is with Ash.

Well, I've seen porn!" Evan defends and Dan just looks at him. "Okay, captain Pornie, walk me through it," Dan challenges. "I'll be the pizza guy, and Jeff can be the plumber. You can be... hey, why don't you be the high-powered young executive?" Evan grins at him with a glint in his eye. "Okay, fine." He laces his fingers together and flexes them in front of him as if he's warming up. He sits back in chair and his eyes focus on the eaves of Jeff's roof then begins. "The young executive come home after a hard day...[five pages of detailed porn]"...and all fall asleep together on the executives huge bed. The End." Evan is pretty clearly proud of himself, and Dan really blame him. After an appreciative silence, Dan says, "Okay, yeah, so maybe there's some merit to the whole threesome thing.

We watch television and we play music, but mostly we've found ways to amuse ourselves." "Really?" Valkyrie asked. "Like what?"Plight's smile faded. "Like human sacrifice."He grabbed one arm and Lenka grabbed the other and Valkyrie cried out.They both let go, laughing."Naw," Plight said," we just play board games.

She was hearing the words. They just weren't registering on her Richter scale of sanity.

Ladies pick funny things to be proud of.

If I had to pick another career, I'd be an optometrist for potatoes. That's where the money is.

Like your zodiac sign? Percy asked. 'I'm a Leo.'No, stupid,' Leo said. I'm a Leo. You're a Percy.

Why are you wearing a T-shirt under your other T-shirt?" Livvy asked."In case one of them is stolen," Marked said, as it were entirely normal.

Fat men take a cushion with them wherever they go.

I call the right axe Sorrow," she said. "You know what I call the left one?" "Happiness?" "Sorrow. I can't tell them apart.

Airplanes may kill you, but they ain't likely to hurt you.

The na at the end of banana annoys me as much as it would you if it were bananana.

Without humor, we’d all be what we’re laughing at. Without arrogance, we’d be humiliated to admit we already are.

I’m not trying to—What do teenagers say nowadays?” he asked my grandmother.“Get all up in her biznez,” Nana said.Without cracking a smile.“That’s right,” he replied. “We’re not trying to get all up in your biznez, Ali.

If a picture paints a thousand words, then a naked picture paints a thousand words without any vowels....

The starvation of a child has no justification, even if the crops have failed, or the population is too large.