Funny Quotes - Page 59

Play and be happy.

Life is not complex at all when we do not think about it.

You'd be surprised how expensive it costs to look this cheap.

AHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!' he screamed.'So that's Sara,' I said.'Yes.''She seems nice.

God will break California from the surface of the continent like someone breaking off a piece of chocolate. It will become its own floating paradise of underweight movie stars and dot-commers, like a fat-free Atlantis with superfast Wi-Fi.

You haven't been fired," Mary said with a sigh. "You always jump to the worst possible conclusion. Why on earth would you be getting f

And I’d be damned if I let the first photograph of me in ten years be taken on fucking Amtrak. I mean, the light alone.

Wait a second," Clary said."I never understand why people say that," Luke said, to no one in particular. "I wasn't going anywhere.

When they figure out how to bottle up orgasms and sell them as a food additive, I'll be first in line.

Werewolves never joke about age,” he said solemnly.“Why not?”Connor shrugged, a smile teasing his lips. “I dunno,” he finally admitted. “I just thought it sounded good.

Self-knowledge is better than self-control any day," Raquel said firmly. "And I know myself well enough to know how I act around cookies.

I said, I ain't buyin' no chocolate covered cherries." "Oh, come on. You know you want to."D shook his head like Jack was just too much to be believed. "I do not either want to, and them candies makes me think of my grandmother, so it's real fuckin' weird that you turned 'em inta some kinda sex fantasy, okay? 'Cause then I get all mixed up in my head where I'm in my grandma's livin' room makin' Play-Doh french fries while you suck my dick and that's just ten kinds of wrong. Even I ain't that fucked up."Jack laughed. "Not yet you aren't." He looked at D's face, smiling with him.

Sire," Oliver said as he helped Petunia to her feet, "I'd like to marry Petunia. "Of course you would," retorted the King Gregor. "But not right now! we just got those two taken care of." He pointed to the twins who were still trying to play Christian's odd game. "And weddings are expensive!

So the reason I was struck again and again was because of my overwhelmingly positive energy. Funny, I'd always thought of myself as a pessimist.

If I asked you to do something for me, I don't suppose you'd listen?" When he had my attention, he continued, "I'm going to take you home. Try to forget tonight happened. Try to act normal, especially around Hank. Don't mention my name."By way of an answer, I shot him a black look and swung out of the Tahoe. He followed suit, coming around to my side. "What kind of answer is that?" He asked, but his voice wasn't nearly so gruff.

A man wants too many things before marriage, but only peace after it.

Wisdom of the Ages: "Women" Any culture that has supported the education, rights and sanctity of women has dominated those cultures who have not. As Lycurgus the Spartan lawgiver once said, "Strong women make strong men.

It is a sign of immaturity to believe that being older than someone (automatically) makes you more (mentally) mature than them.

Over the road there was a church: a modern gray building, which constantly played a recording of church bells. Strange it was. Why no proper bells? I never went in but I bet it was a robot church for androids, where the Bible was in binary and their Jesus had laser eyes and metal claws.

The moonlight caught the glint of his lip ring, which he was now fondling with the tip of his tongue as he stared down at me. It was a bit awkward.

Mr. Acme comments that the new foodservice professionals in the cafeteria are two-headed carnival escapees and probably also wanted convicts. He expresses his deep conviction that the names they gave him are aliases and promises that if he finds one more cat whisker in his chicken almandine, he will hand them over to the police, whom, he is sure, will be glad to have them back.

I only hope, for the sake of the rising male sex generally, that you may be found in as vulnerable and soft-hearted a mood by the first eligible young fellow who appeals to your compassion.

He bursts into tears, and not some manlike tears either, where you pretend you're brushing something off your face and, incidentally, wipe a tear. Nope. He starts bawling like a kid who spilled his Slushie...

I grabbed my purse, which was conveniently place by the front door. Gabriel was such a considerate abductor/host. He even left the front door unpadlocked.

We must have taken a wrong turn turning somewhere.""Where, Purgatory?" said Dozy. "We're in Hell.

The first way not to shake hands is executed by receiving someone’s hand in yours and proceeding to squeeze it tightly, hurting the other party as if they were responsible for a past death in your family, or your adoption as a child.

He stepped back with exaggerated courtesy. But when I walked past him, he swatted my rump. Hard enough to sting.“You need to be more careful,” he growled. “Keep interfering in my business and you might get hurt.”I said sweetly as I continued to Jesse's room, “The last man who swatted me like that is rotting in his grave.”“I have no doubt about it.” His voice was more satisfied then contrite.

Ove looks at the group assembled around him, as if he's been kidnapped and taken to a parallel universe. For a moment he thinks about swerving off the road, until he realises that the worst case scenario would be that they all accompanied him into the afterlife.

And we love you but I have to ask you to help me, to help us, please.”“How?” I asked, “By pretending nothing ever happened? Act as if she and I were strangers? Stand the way your sister acts towards me after all of what we had? Forget my story by her side? Are you asking me for that, Gabriel, for God’s sake?”“It sounds pretty bad when you put it like that…” Gabriel said, “but yes, pretty much.

There was a seminar for advanced students in Zürich that I was teaching and von Neumann was in the class. I came to a certain theorem, and I said it is not proved and it may be difficult. Von Neumann didn’t say anything but after five minutes he raised his hand. When I called on him he went to the blackboard and proceeded to write down the proof. After that I was afraid of von Neumann.

Jamie gawked at the JLM T-shirt peeking out of Theo's leather jacket and his face glowed. "Yes I-L-Y?

His eyes go wide while a gasp of wonder passes his lips. He turns his body fully toward us. His lips moving like a fish out of water, gasping for breath. He gives his head a shake and stutters out, “Mer—mermaids. There are fish with women’s bodies or—women with fish bodies sitting upon the rocks. I—I never knew...

The fastest way to end an argument with your wife is to admit she’s right.

Now it was just the three of us: the leader, the warrior, and the kid about to wet his pants. Guess who I was.

Let your eyes talk, mouth listens and ear sleeps.

Nessa held her arm up. She was staring at it, trying to gauge how big that was. “Dude, that’s as big as my arm. That’s like being f****d by a limb dude!” She wiggled her arm back and forth. “That's not normal.

Corvid looked up at her. "Oh, hello Doris.""Gertie, dear," she said. "They call me Gertie.""You used to be Doris," Corvid said as a matter of fact."Who?" She seemed unsure of what she was being told."Doris, daughter of Oceanus and Tethys?" Corvid carried on when he saw her blank expression. "You must remember Nereus? Your husband?"Nothing."You gave birth to fifty sea nymphs. I guess sea nymphs come out slippy and hydrodynamic, but even so, fifty of them? That must stick in the memory as the day before you felt really sore for a month or so?"Doris thought about it for a moment. "It does ring a bell. Sorry, who are you?

I'm a whore!"Miki hit the brakes...her hands.. gripping the steering wheel, glanced at Sara. "You're not wearing any underwear, are you?"Sara let out a strangled squeal...

I don't just have only the peace of God, I do also have a God who gives peace, not just resources but the revelation of His presence.

Some women nodded, others shook their heads. I would have killed myself before I let one of them move into my house. Would you Helen? Would you really?

You promise?""I cross the place where my heart used to be and wish to be even more deader than I am now.

I wondered if full-blooded vampires had something like blue balls for their fangs if they didn’t get to feed when they were expecting to. Like some kind of pseudo-sexual gingivitis.

His ears caught a sweet chiming noise, and a moment later a warm rush fell over his body. How we doing Rhage? Too hot? Butch's voice. Up close. The cop was in the shower with him. And he smelled Turkish tobacco. V must be in the bathroom too. Hollywood? This too hot for you? No. He reached around for the soap, fumbling. Can't see. Just as well. No reason for you to know what we look naked together. Frankly, I'm traumatized enough for the both of us. Rhage smiled a little as a washcloth scrubbed over his face, neck and chest.

Hayden?""Yes,Gia?""Nothing I just wanted to say your name

The Bible talks about building houses on sand and rock, but says nothing about a brick house built on a blanket.

People run around looking for millions of likes in their life and on the social media but do you know what? If you get just one true like from just one who loves you the most, it surpasses all other millions. God loves you the most even without make over.

It’s possible to be flippant here, when Jihadists fly aircraft into buildings they shout God is Great, what do atheists shout when they do it?

What are we going to do when we get into the temple, anyway? Are we going to fight our way through the Necromancers on our

Fenchurch had red mullet and said it was delicious.Arthur had a swordfish steak and said it made him angry. He grabbed a passing waitress by the arm and berated her.“Why’s this fish so bloody good?” he demanded, angrily.

My cousins had told me dead people came back as Dracula.Draculas got thirsty at night and drank only blood, leaving themilk and juices in the refrigerator for the house owners. I thoughtDraculas were cool, they had some manners. Still I didn’t like theidea of anyone drinking blood.

Oh, everything is fun when I’m around.” Hercules’s knees knocked into the back of my seat as he leaned back. “This one time, when I was ordered by the gods to . . .”I could only think of three words.Fuck. My. Life.“You should drive, because I’m going to end it all. Once we’re on the freeway, I’m going to jump out of this vehicle and throw myself in front of a Mack truck.”Josie’s laugh cut off her yawn. “That’s a little excessive.”Adjusting the sunglasses I’d stolen from Aiden yesterday morning, I smirked. “I do not think anything is excessive when it comes to him.”“But that won’t even kill you.”I sighed. “Yeah, but I’m pretty sure it’ll knock me unconscious for the time being.

It's not just the cheerleading thing I have a problem with, it's the whole jock enchilada. I'm all for a good game of basketball in teh driveway or a killer bike ride. But when there's tackling and grunting involved-- no thanks.

We were in the middle of a scene, and this crazy woman comes roaring out of the crowd, screaming, grabs my whip, and damned if she didn’t punch me.” Rubbing his reddened chin, the man’s lips curved a little. “It’s almost funny, but still, she ruined our scene.

Treat me like a joke, watch me leave you like its funny

He'd barely seen me coming, and despite the horribleness of what I'd just done, I kind of wished one of my instructors had been there to grade me on such an awesome performance.

I'm not the smartest fellow in the world, but I can sure pick smart colleagues.

If you're trapped in the dream of the Other, you're fucked.

My darling, you are indisposed! You must remain abed for the next eight months. Little Buford - ""I am NOT naming our child Buford...

This social worker lassie turns round n gies us a stroppy look. Ah jist smiles bit she looked away aw fuckin nippy likes. Disnae cost nowt tae be social. A social worker thit cannae be fuckin social; that's nae good tae nae cunt, thon. Like a lifeguard thit cannae fuckin swim. Shouldnae be daein that kinday joab.

Oh, you dear good father!" cried Mary, putting her hands round her father´s neck, while he bent his head placidly, willing to be caressed. "I wonder if any other girl thinks her father the best man in the world.""Nonsense, child; you´ll think your husband better.""Impossible," said Mary, relapsing into her usual tone, "husbands are an inferior class of men, who require keeping in order.