Funny Quotes - Page 52

You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named "Bush", "Dick", and "Colin." Need I say more?

Don't go there Rule" Lawe warned him softly. " I don't think your horoscope declared today to be a good day to die.

Blood shall drop out of wood, and the stone shall give his voice, and the people shall be troubled:

Radical Edwards's profile? He's a seven-foot tall ex-basketball pro hindu guru drag-queen alien.-Jet Black, from the Cowboy Bebop anime script

When The Pyramid falls, the other cities will follow in short order. Nature's balance will be restored and Man will finally return to solitude.

The presence of crisis does not prove the absence of God. I think in time of crisis Christians should rise up and point to the world on something bigger. The crisis is an opportunity for us to proclaim to the children of darkness what we proclaim in the light.

This was so unfunny, Steve had to laugh.

Manners without sincerity, is called polite society

Yes she met with a slight accident involving a stake." Ash said "funny how that happens sometimes...

Why did Nicky call me the Baby Killer?" Kiara sniffled. "Because she is a bitch," Leontes said. Jaeger gave him a chastising look. "She's dead." "Dying did not make her any less of a bitch," Leontes replied.

This doesn't mean you're getting a discount."Audrey heaved a mock sigh. "Oh well. I guess I'll have to ply you with sexual favors, then."Gnome choked on the soup. "I'm old enough to be your grandfather!"Audrey winked at him, gathering the empty bags. "But you're not.

You are going to love the sports here. Snow skiing and water-skiing and rock climbing and all kinds of extreme sports. I give you full permission to hurl yourself off stuff.

Miss Vida" Liam said "has anyone never told you that you are positively the whipped cream on the sundae of life?"She glared at him."Anyone ever told you your head is shaped like a pencil?""That is physically impossible," Chubs groused."He'd be__""Actually Liam began, "Cole once did try to__ What?""Oh,I'm sorry," Chubs said, "apparently the middle of my sentence interrupted the beginning of yours. Do continue.

Graduating from the School of Hard Knocks doesn't always get you to Fort Knox.

You should assume the mantle of your birthright.

Zebrowski says that if you killed someone else just hide the body, he's not starting over on the paperwork.

I was walking home alone from school and I was wearing a dress. A dude drove by and yelled, "Nice tits." Embarrassed and enraged, I screamed after him, "Suck my dick.

Well, let’s just hope it doesn’t come to that.” I started back down the alley. “Truthfully, it’s not you I’m so much worried about as your ass. It’s like the Eighth Wonder of the World or something. Be a shame to deprive future generations of Dreamers, don’t you think?” My stomach rumbled. “Come on, I’m starving.” A snort escaped him. “Nice to know you care.” I patted my belly and shrugged. “Yeah, well. A girl’s gotta have priorities.

Be careful, though.""Aren't I always?""No, I think the word for how you usually are is 'reckless.

This is America. We’re entitled to our opinions.”“Wrong. This is Texas. And my opinion is the only one that counts.

Jace said that the cast of Gilligan's Island could do something anatomically unlikely with themselves.

lying in bed with Johnny Depp sussing out which males are what kind of pet from their clothes.

Groupies will give you Chlamydia, Edward.”“Right, Virg. Groupies throw underwear on stage. They don’t throw flowers.

Don't look now, but that's my ex over there."Surely I'm not the only one who takes "don't look now" as "there's no better time than now." I looked."Bad, Ali!" Another slap to my arm. "Bad, bad, bad Ali! Have you no self control?

I had a dream about you last night.We moved into a cabin in the countryside.I couldn't handle the spiders.You couldn't handle my drama.I moved back to the city.

Mom, camping is not a date; it's an endurance test. If you can survive camping with someone, you should marry them on the way home.

Do you never get exhausted being so wholly unbearable?

I looked to the sitting room then and gaped at Alec's body lying across my sofa making it look smaller than it was. He was reading something.A book."What are you readin'?" I curiously asked."That porn book we were talking about earlier at my house. This dude is my God! He just fucked this Ana chick while she was on her period.""Stop it!" I screeched. "Stop readin' and put the bloody book down!"He was reading Fifty Shades of Grey.I was both horrified and mortified.Alec got up from the sofa, placed the book on the coffee table and turned in my direction."Why are you blushing?"Him noticing my embarrassment only caused my already red cheeks to heat up even more."Oh damn, your cheeks are so flushed," Alec said and took a step towards me.

Rumo!" said Rumo. "That's right!" Smyke exclaimed. "You Rumo, me Smyke." "You Rumo, me Smyke." Rumo repeated eagerly. "No, no." Smyke chuckled.

717! You are behaving like a demented bluebottle - stop that!

Right. Because if you have trouble putting ketchup and mustard on a hot dog, you should totally move on to saving lives.

Men know that most women want to have an emotional connection with someone before they sleep with them. Men know that a lot of women think it's romantic to be friends first, and then the friendship blossoms into a relationship. Men know that they have to jump through all these hoops first, before they can get laid. And that's really all romance and courtship is to a man: hoops he has to jump through to get laid.

As I climbed up into the high old bed, the large fly in my personal ointment did the same. Had I actually told him he could get in bed with me? Well, I decided, as I wriggled down under the soft old sheets and the blanket and the comforter, if Eric had designs on me, I was just too tired to care."Woman?""Hmmm?""What's your name?""Sookie. Sookie Stackhouse.""Thank you, Sookie.""Welcome, Eric.

So I have. Let me hold the baby, Scarlett. Oh, I know how to hold babies. I have many strange accomplishments. Well, he certainly looks like Frank. All except the whiskers, but give him time.”“I hope not. It’s a girl.

We are all a little weird. And we like to think that there is always someone weirder. I mean, I am sure some of you are looking at me and thinking, “Well, at least I am not as weird as you,” and I am thinking, “Well, at least I am not as weird as the people in the loony bin,” and the people in the loony bin are thinking, “Well, at least I am an orange”.

We all men want a bad girl friend, but a good wife.

Discipline allows magic. To be a writer is to be the very best of assassins. You do not sit down and write every day to force the Muse to show up. You get into the habit of writing every day so that when she shows up, you have the maximum chance of catching her, bashing her on the head, and squeezing every last drop out of that bitch.

Are you real?” Stupid. Of course he’s real.“Yes, Julie. I’m not the mystical man from your dreams.

A drunken but exceedingly depressed German clown from Munich entertained the public.

Not one word about proposals, no matter how much she pushes,” I told my friends. “No matter what she says or how loud she cries, don’t try to throw that up as a distraction.”Gabriel’s lips twitched. “I don’t think it’s going to be that bad. It’s one woman against five supernatural creatures... And Zeb.”“You laugh because you haven’t heard my mother’s thirty-minute verbal dissertation on appropriate seasonal flower choices. We’re better off letting her yell at us for being dirty, premarital fornicators.

Dallas popped his jaw. “I do not cackle. I bitch like a he-man.

To answer your question, you want me because I'm made of awesome.

If one wishes to elicit a reaction from the elusive species known as 'reservus quietgirlius,' one must poke.

I got this delicious bottle of perfume called Fabreze

What was worse, he couldn't tell her how much he thought he maybe might kinda sorta love her.

You should get a better boyfriend. One with an IQ higher than a turnip.

I’m the sexiest of them all! - Carol

Nothing makes you think you might need years of therapy like saying the word breasts in front of your mother.

All of my life God has allowed me to share prospectives with people who are different. You cannot lead people whose prospective you are not willing to understand.

Worrying is like praying for crap!

I don't have a car."His eyes sliced into mine. "I walked here," I explained. "I'm on foot.""Angel," he said in a way that sounded like he sincerely hoped I was joking.

Excuse me, your attention please.” He waited until the whole floor had stopped what it was doing and turned to face him. For a split second his impulse control kicked in, but by then his mouth was fully engaged. “For the record, Claire Marsden and I are not having sex.

Most writers regard the truth as their most valuable possession, and therefore are economical in its use.

They say watch the breathing, watch the diet and for God’s sake make that kid go quiet. But they never say: “I am wrong and you are right”, because the self –pride they always want to hide! But in time, like the truth it shall come to surface and all those lies, that awful misery they always boast about will be extinct, whilst their conscience filled with guilt.

Hasn’t stopped us before. And besides, if they wanted to kill us, we’d be dead by now and would be having an entirely different conversation. I wonder if I’d still be mad at you, or if we would talk in words or pictures. Maybe in smells. That would be cool.” -Janco

You see, unlike most writers today, I do not use a computer. I write the old-fashioned way: on the walls of caves.

I'd grown impervious to all three of his facial expressions.

She's better than Netflix.

Rina’s always claimed that I expect too little from life,” Standard said.“Then at least you’ll never be disappointed.

Death would be an extremely bad thing like most of us paint it, if being dead were painful.