Funny Quotes - Page 48

So where does the name Adam's apple come from? Most people say that it is from the notion that this bump was caused by the forbidden fruit getting stuck in the throat of Adam in the Garden of Eden. There is a problem with this theory because some Hebrew scholars believe that the forbidden fruit was the pomegranate. The Koran claims that the forbidden fruit was a banana. So take your pick---Adam's apple, Adam's pomegranate, Adam's banana. Eve clearly chewed before swallowing.

And then came the three-toed sloth. Stupid sloth. It was a crazy-looking beastie, all arms and bristling grey fur; its body was a blob, the kind of shape a six-year-old would draw for a pig, and its face was flattened like a racoon that had run full tilt into a brick wall. A triangular stub of a nose jutted out at an angle beneath a fringe that must have been difficult to see through. In fact, from side-on it looked disturbingly like John Lennon.

My body is tired as worn out rug, but my brain (if i had) is always full of curiosity, jumping around for seeking new funs. If they could learn how to be cooperative each others, my life could be way easier... sigh*

All mothers are slightly insane.

God is the one subject of reality. Take away the one subject and there is nothing real.

Drainage tubes ran out of his belly and side, and there was a catheter the size of a pencil coming out his penis. Nothing particularly hurt, so he had to assume he was on pretty nearly all the narcotics there were.

No, officer, I have no idea why I'm wearing this possum costume. I called you what? OH. My bad."-Nastasya

You scared the crap out of me,” I shove his bare chest with a growl. “Wasthat you at the front door?”“Ya think?” He fires back with a raise of his eyebrows, taking hold of my armagain, as he practically drags me back toward the front entry.“Did it occur to you to say something?” I shoot back with a scowl. “I thoughtyou were some kind of psychopath.” My frown deepens, as I consider whether he might in fact be a psychopath.

You can call me Grandpa, if that does it for you.

I'm realizing that some of my greatest (or at least most determined) genius lies in my ability to procrastinate.

I swear by the self-assurance with which elderly men sitting in public tilt sideways to allow the gas to escape loudly.

I paid, got up, walkedto the door, openedit.I heard the mansay, "that guy'snuts."out on the street Iwalked northfeelingcuriouslyhonored.

That's worst than gonerreha, man!

After that came her biggie: a triple murder--her dealer, the dealer's sister, and the dealer's sister's boyfriend.Reading that made me feel a little funny that we'd fucked and I'd loved her.

Welcome to Telepathics Anonymous. Don’t bother introducing yourself.

Since I had a soft spot for zombies and my curiosity was killing me, I opted for plan Z.

Personally I think there is no doubt that sub-atomic energy is available all around us, and that one day man will release and control its almost infinite power. We cannot prevent him from doing so and can only hope that he will not use it exclusively in blowing up his next door neighbour. (1936)

Mooooon!” said the Ogre. “Tranquility …” Then he pointed at the full moon. “Neil Armstrong walked in a sea of Tranquility.” Then he added, “It’s made of cheese. But you have to take off the plastic before you put it on a burger.”Mickey sighed.“What’s his story?” the wraith asked.“He’s chocolate,” Mikey said.

World is so full of idiots that you can't even imagine to escape. The only solution is isolation. But it still spares one!

How art thou out of breath when thou hast breathTo say to me that thou art out of breath?

Noah held my hand and my bag as he escorted me to the third floor - the Women's Pavilion. The elevator bell rang and the doors opened. "Jesus, Echo, circulation in my hand would be a good thing," said Noah. "Sorry." I tried to let go, but Noah kept his fingers linked with mine.

She stood up when he approached her,Not to hug him,but to slap him.

I was feeling the height of bitchiness.

Why don't you wear those tiny shorts when you run, like they do in the movies?" His voice was low and sexy, and he knew it."Because I'm not in a movie. I know it's confusing, since you obviously live 'The Saxon Show' day and night, but some of us want to live a boring, old, normal high school life, you know?

I guess we're oil and water. (Phoebe)I'd say we're more like gasoline and a blowtorch. (Dan)

Yeah, that’s what Jeffrey said too. Oh, wait … Jeffrey said something about a Sacred Abil and the Trophy of Stavlini, or Stavriti, or Stav … something.”“Staviti?” The hysteria in Emmy’s voice was definitely becoming prominent now. “The Trophy of Staviti? You stole the Trophy of Staviti?”I clapped a hand over her mouth, trying to muffle her shriek. “No!” I answered reflexively. “Or yes. Kind of. Maybe. Why?”She gave a muffled answer, and I realised that I was still holding my hand over her mouth. I pulled away, allowing her to speak again.“You don’t know who Staviti is, Willa? Seriously? You couldn’t pay attention in class even for that much?”“I knew it sounded familiar,” I grumbled, feeling defensive. “Is it the god of … um … food or something?

Through lightest dark or darkest light, You dont need no bling to join the fight. We're mercs with mouths and so much more, Yippee-ki-yay, we're the Deadpool Corps!

I don’t know who you think you are” — my mother’s voice was low and dangerous — “but if you don’t get out of my way right this instant, it won’t matter.”Adam was the Alpha werewolf in charge of the local pack. He was tough. He could be mean when he had to — and he wouldn’t stand a chance against my mom.

Maple thought optimistically that human beings, on their good days, weren't much dimmer than sheep. Or at least, not much dimmer than dim sheep.

What I remember most clearly is how it felt. I’d just finished painting a red fire engine-like the one I often walked past near my grandparents’ house. Suddenly the teachers, whose names I've long forgotten, closed in on my desk. They seemed unusually impressed, and my still dripping fire engine was immediately and ceremoniously pinned up. I don’t know what they might have said, but their unexpected attention and having something I’d made given a place of honor on the wall created an overwhelming and totally unfamiliar sense of pride inside me. I loved that feeling, and I wanted to feel it again and again. That desire, I suppose, was the beginning of my career. tI have no idea where my fire engine painting ended up, but I never forgot the basic layout. Several decades later, it served as the inspiration for this sketch for an illustration in a book called Why the chicken crossed the Road.

The obvious thing to say of his appearance was that he would have been extremely handsome if he had not been entirely bald. But, indeed, that would itself be a rather bald way of putting it. Fantastic as it sounds, it would fit the case better to say that people would have been surprised to see hair growing on him; as surprised as if they had found hair growing on the bust of a Roman emperor.

Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.

Death does not wait for you to be ready.

I hear sweets help these kind of things, too…” -Jared“What kind of things is that?” -April“I don’t know.” He shrugs before adding, “Woman troubles, heartbreak, Twilight ending? Whatever bugs your mind.”-Jared

—Then, said Cranly, you do not intend to become a protestant?—I said that I had lost the faith, Stephen answered, but not that I had lost self-respect. What kind of liberation would that be to forsake an absurdity which is logical and coherent and to embrace one which is illogical and incoherent?

Don't fucking quote me!

Sometimes the fact that you can't sense God isn't an indication that He is not there. It is just an indication that you are hanging out in the wrong place.The cave is not a physical location, it is a state of mind.

Does he give you zings in your things?

Oliver laughed - actually laughed."I like this new Claire," he said. "You should work her this hard all the time, Myrnin. She's interesting when she's forthright."Claire, possessed by the spirit of Eve, shot him the finger. Which made him laugh again, shake his head, and walk up the steps.

Always drink upstream from the herd.

Evan nuzzled his chin into the crook of Dan's neck, finding the spot that always made Dan squirm and laugh. "I love you, Danny.""You gets so fucking sappy after I let you top," Dan responded, but he didn't move away. "We should stick a spigot in you, drain it out, and boil up some maple syrup." "You stick your spigot in me, I wouldn't be the one topping anymore.""Nice. You freak." "You're the one who wanted to make maple syrup out of my sappiness," Evan protested...

You don’t understand,’ I said. ‘I need to be with her. With every fibre of my being I ache for her. I’m in love.’‘I do understand,’ said Zoran. ‘It was same for me with Mrs Zoran when I first meet her. But the feeling goes away after few hours.

Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.

A woman who is praying and a woman who is having fun, they both say " Oh My God", the only difference is how they pronounce it.

What is that?" Dad said, looking at the doll."It’s called the Scream," I said."I know that, but what us it?” Dad said.“Maybe she sleeps with it,” I said to Dad as he tucked it under his arm.“Then no wonder it’s screaming,” he said.

This is nice,' Melody said, picking up a red leather box with a vintage watch inside.'Yes, it is nice. It's the watch I gave Walker as a wedding gift.''He gave it back?''Actually, he sold it back to the person I bought it from who alerted me and I reacquired it.''I'm sorry. That sounds upsetting.''It was. Very. Especially since he sold the watch to buy combs for my long hair and without knowing what he had done I sold my hair to buy a leather case for this watch.

Nothing was ever where Cole wanted it to be.

Jason hated being an old man.

No Tyson, the guy in the story did not attract the attention of a moose. Tyson is sad now.

I wasn't concerned, but I was thinking that the fastest way to get your mind off him and on me would be to tell you something truly appalling about him.

What goes up must come down. Which is why we invented Viagra, to make it stay up a little longer.

It's funny how different people are. If I'd been this kid and someone was snarling "Ordering a pizza?" at me, without even thinking, I would have snarled back "Yeah. You want pepperoni?"-Maximum Ride

Me mum always told me the rich was blessed, but I thought she was talkin' about gold." She leaned over to cackle in his ear, then actually patted him on the head as if he was some slavering lapdog. "You might have escaped the gallows, lad, but you was already well hung.

I will liken my judgment unto a ring: like as there is no slackness of the last, even so there is no swiftness of the first.

God is Santa Claus for Grown-Ups.

You’re far too prickly tempered to be a mistress. You’re far better suited as a wife.

Screw sharks a Transformer could be stretching up on its tippy toes and would still have a mile of cover to eat me.

my problem is that my body acts before my brain thinks... it sometimes brings me huge trouble, or also huge success. recently, my body and brain got come to an agreement. it may be far better to live this gambling life than living in boring average ...they at least make my art more interesting

No, no. Don't make that face. Every time I propose to you, you make that twisty, unhappy face. It wears on a man's confidence.

His handsome face is suffused with rage. He stands before me shaking, then to my disgust, bursts into noisy tears; "I shall tell my mother of you!" he sobs and crashes out of the chamber