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Funny Quotes - Page 41

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Hard-ons don't make you think less. They make you think stupid.
Dani Alexander
That was his cover story. Architecture… a job that would take him out of town often and would require long hours and meetings that wouldn’t allow him to answer his phone. Of course, he had to have a good cover. Cell coverage in Hell was spotty.
Danielle James
You look like a hot tamale.”“That’s not really a compliment.
Simone Elkeles
He slowed down a bit more. "Gaia, how do you know these things?" She shrugged. "I'm smart." "And modest, too." "Modesty is a waste of time," she pronounced. "I'll keep that in mind.
Francine Pascal
Well, bloody noses." I hug his coat tighter. "Those are definitely hot.
Stephanie Perkins
I swore I'd never become some lord's brainless arm ornament and political host, but I've become far worse. I'm a glorified housekeeper and sperm donor. -from the journal of Payton Marcus Townsend.
J.L. Langley
Don’t be hating on my peacock. It’s just not right. - Kye
Krista Alasti
I like stepping into the future. Therefore, I look for doorknobs.
Mark Rosen
I had a dream about you. You had no skin or muscle on your face, and to try to conceal your bare skull you liberally applied lipstick and makeup. Your birthday was coming up, and I knew you were probably sensitive about parties that emphasize the aging process, so I decided to box up your gift in a coffin and wrap it with black wrapping paper. I got you the best gift ever too—a hooker, who happened to be dead, because that enabled me to procure a sizeable discount.
Dora J. Arod
And soon we were just rolling around on the ground, cursing and screeching and ripping out handfuls of hair. Without super hearing, I wouldn't have heard Zeb whisper, "This is the coolest thing I have ever seen.""Maybe they'll get muddy," Dick said. "Please, Lord, let them get muddy.
Molly Harper
I got an 'A' in Business Marketing in college!- as if that means a goddamn thing in the real world...
Whitney G.
And you look beautiful," she added."I look like a cake.""But a beautiful cake.
Andrea Cremer
Aside from the obvious, Francesca, what do you want in return for supplying information?” Bones asked, getting back to the subject. “You to take me,” she replied at once. “Not gonna happen!” I spat, squeezing him possessively. Three sets of widened eyes fixed on me. That’s when I realized that what I had a firm grip on was no longer his hand.
Jeaniene Frost
Aaron’s mouth dropped open when he entered the “room;” it was more like a huge open loft … no walls, huge floor to ceiling windows, shiny hardwood floors … perfect for a studio. He had no idea how Jake had acquired such a huge space in Manhattan.As if reading his mind, Alyson leaned over and whispered, “He bought the place next door and tore down the walls.”“Perfect,” replied Aaron, “and did he happen to find a treasure chest hidden in one of the walls as well?”“What do you mean?”“I mean, how the holy hell does he afford this place? He looks like he’s twelve.”“He’s twenty-​two, and he happens to be quite successful.”“At twenty-​fucking-​two?”“He was born with talent?” Alyson said questioningly.“He’s a lucky wanker who blew the right people?” suggested Aaron.Alyson tried to scowl but grinned instead, “A child prodigy?”“A deal with the devil?”“Naturally gifted?”“An indulgent sugar daddy?”“How about ‘c) All of the above’?” asked a third voice from behind the partition at the far corner of the studio.
Giselle Ellis
And how did you know about that?” Seven looked at his watch. Chase held up a hand. “Let me guess, in two minutes and thirty seconds, I was going to tell you Martin called.”“No.”“No?”“Six minutes and fifteen seconds. You had a couple of false starts. Then you were going to apologize because he wouldn’t help you by putting you in touch with his contacts in Washington.”“Something tells me you’re going to be no fun come Christmas.
Adrienne Wilder
Never grow up!
R.W. Mitchell
On horseback you feel as if you're moving in time to classical music a camel seems to progress to the beat of a drum played by a drunk.
Walter Moers
I know what dissipate means, Arty. I'm not three, for heaven's sake.
Eoin Colfer
He'd gone from sixteen to seventy-five in a matter of seconds, but the old-man smell happened instantly, like boom. Congratulations! You stink!
Rick Riordan
What's the deal with this Malachai?" Xevikan"I don't know. I just joined him myself. But he seems level. Decent even." Zavid"He's with a half-daeve turncoat, a Charonte, and an Aamon, and you don't find that off?" Xevikan"Wait until you meet his Arel girlfriend, lunatic mother, and the two human homicidal maniac he calls family. Buddy, everything about the Malachai ain't right." Zavid
Sherrilyn Kenyon
How could I not fall in love with him," she asked. And on the tail end of her words, her bedroom door flew open and closed just as fast.Jen bent over, panting heavily as she looked up at Sally."Hey Sally girl. Who we falling in love with?" Jen asked breathlessly."Jen, what's wrong?" Sally paused and then decided on a better question. "What have you done now?"Jen stood up and took two deep breaths. Seeming to have regained her wind, she spoke quickly."First off, I've changed my mind. I don't want you to name your first born after me."Sally interrupted. "Thank goodness for that," she muttered."I want you to name your entire freaking litter after me," Jen growled. "Do you know what I've been through?" Jen's arms were flinging around as she glared at Sally. "I did that little strip tease to try and keep things from escalating with the rest of the pack and Decebel was beyond pissed. I had to sneak out of the gathering room and make a run for it. I've been running through the freaking forest trying to throw him off by changing back and forth so that I could place my clothes that I carried in my freaking muzzle. CARRIED IN MY MUZZLE SALLY! I put them in different places to throw off him off my scent." Jen went over to Sally's window and was trying to judge the danger of using it as an exit.
Quinn Loftis
The goblins have been after me ever since I helped the Coven drive them out of Essex. (They were gobbling up drunk people in club bathrooms, and the Mage was worried about losing regional slang.) I think the goblin who successfully offs me gets to be king.
Rainbow Rowell
You know, you're rather amusingly wrong.
Terry Pratchett
You have food?" Winter scolded. "I thought you said you were hungry."I'm hungry for other things besides what I have," [Clover] argued.
Obert Skye
Turning to Turnip, Miss Dempsey said, 'Do you think?'. 'As little as I can,' Turnip replied honestly.
Lauren Willig
I'm not the one going for a biology degree. I'm just a philosophy major who eats people.
Scott Westerfeld
Boomer took bites of all six varieties, contemplating each one and "guring out the order in which he would then eat them. “I like thebrown one and the lighter brown one and the almost-brown one. I’m not so sure about the minty one. But really, I think the lebkuchen spiceone is the best.”“The what?”“The lebkuchen spice one.” He held it up for me. “This one.”“You’re making that up. What’s a lebkuchen spice? It sounds like a cross between a Keebler elf and a stripper. Hello, my name eesLebkuchen Spice, and I vant to show you my cooooookies...”“Don’t be rude!” Boomer protested. As if the cookie might be offended.
David Levithan
The shrine I prayed at not to go to university,” Sand said.“I guess your prayer was answered,” Perrotte said.Sand strongly considered throwing something at her—but there was nothing to hand that wasn’t sacred.
Merrie Haskell
Wisdom of the Ages: "Valentine's Day" Because she never forgets, especially if you do.
Matthew Heines
Salt waters shall be found in the sweet, and all friends shall destroy one another; then shall wit hide itself, and understanding withdraw itself into his secret chamber-
Compton Gage
Then you're seventy-five, friends are dead, and you've replaced at least one major organ: you have to pee four times a night, and you can't go up a flight a stairs without being little winded -- and your're told you're in pretty good shape for your age. [....], in a decade you'll be eighty-five, and the only difference between you and a raisin will be that while you're both wrinkled and without a prostate, the raisin never had a prostate to begin with.
John Scalzi
He's turned his life around. He used to be depressed and miserable. Now he's miserable and depressed.
David Frost
Real men don't lift weights, they lift women.
Every male ballet dancer
What are you doing?” I asked Loretta. “Stabbing a cushion,” she told me.
Joel N. Ross
When people ask me what L.A. was like in the sixties, I tell them there wasn't as much terrible stucco as there is today: no mini malls with their approximation of Spanish two-story buildings, no oversized SUVs bulging out of parking-space lines. What used to say "Spanish-style" is now something diseased looking. Nobody seems to know how to stucco anymore.
Kim Gordon
am still confused, how you fallen in love` with fat dog?...
sakhiabbas
These Hoes Just Gon Fuck Who Ever Poppin , You Better Be Careful, When you fuck em' Raw!
Genereux Philip
You deserve good sperm. You’ve waited a long time.
Buffy Andrews
The prince set her down and dismissed his valet. The latter left with a bow and closed the door. Leaning against the wall, the prince pulled off his stockings. As he walked toward the amethyst tub, he yanked his shirt over his head.He was lean and tightly sinewed. Her little bird heart thudded.He glanced at her, his lips curved in not quite a smile. The next thing she knew, his shirt had flown through the air and landed on the cage, blocking her view toward the bathtub.“Sorry, sweetheart. I am shy.”She chirped indignantly. It was not as if she would have continued to watch him disrobe beyond a certain point.
Sherry Thomas
We men had a meeting a long time ago, and we all decided, 'It's trousers'. And that's what we've worn ever since.
Lisa Kleypas
You’re starting to look like you did before, and that’s not good because what you looked like was complete shit, so get up and go to bed so I can stop acting like your mother. I can already feel my balls starting to recede. And hey, does it look like I’m growing breasts? - Kye
Krista Alasti
I see that even as the world plunges into darkness and peril, you two stand around discussing your love lives. Teenagers.
Cassandra Clare
A good story should provoke discussion, debate, argument...and the occasional bar fight.
J. Michael Straczynski
Your level of neuroses will only find love in a made-for-TV movie.
Michelle Hodkin
My friend "M" says the irony of being a zombie is that everything is funny, but you can't smile, because your lips have rotted off.
Isaac Marion
I love like I’m thirsty. Can I offer you a tall glass of Sahara sand?
Dark Jar Tin Zoo
It is an undisputed truth of the modern age that there are now only two kinds of people in the world: people who call and people who text.
Lindsey Kelk
Mrs. Winalski owned a candy-apple-red 1965 Mustang GT convertible, and she drove it like she could die at any minute and needed to get five things done before that happened.
Lish McBride
It just seems like overkill when you already have a dagger and I have superpowerful magic at my disposal.”“‘Superpowerful?’”He stood up, a gold chain dangling from his fingers. “Let me remind you of two words, Mercer: Bad. Dog.
Rachel Hawkins
It's a shame I'm going to be forced to commit severe testicular trauma upon that boy
Jenn Bennett
This one's for Alaska Young!
John Green
I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.
Mark Twain
Well, don't expect us to be too impressed. We just saw Finnick Odair in his underwear.
Suzanne Collins
There is nothing morally wrong with buying stolen goods, unless you know that they were stolen.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
SHUT UP," Carot Top say, the cocane now taking effect. "This isnt Poetry 101. People want to laugh. Your suposed to be a 'King' of Prop Comedy. But youve been acting more like a jester of prop comedy.
Seinfeld 2000
You don't have to position yourself in front of people to be used by God. You don't have to convince anyone that you are good enough for the voice of God, just be grateful that God chooses who He wills and once He is ready to use you, no devil in hell can stop Him.
Patience Johnson
Show me a woman who doesn't feel guilty and I'll show you a man.
Erica Jong
We’ve all got weaknesses. Me, for instance. I’m tragically funny and good-looking.
Rick Riordan
His left eyebrow crept higher and higher as I told him the strange bits like the glowing letters and serpent staff. "Well, Sadie," Inspector Williams said. "You've got quite an imagination." "I'm not lying, Inspector. And I think your eyebrow is trying to escape." He tried to look at his own eyebrows, then scowled.
Rick Riordan
The door opens and my new neighbor is a vampire. He’s nearly a foot taller than me. Unruly ink-black hair, and a face made of knife angles. If I were obnoxious, I might use the term shockingly attractive . Or terrifyingly handsome . Holy mother of balls would also be an option.
Eva Morgan
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