Funny Quotes - Page 33

When I was younger I used to think that band-aids did all the work. I mean after all, it binds your wound together and makes everything better back to the way it was. But then I became an adult and started to fall in love,fvi and I realize that band-aids are so overrated lol.

Oh, my dear! I’m afraid you’ve mistakenme for someone else! My name is Rhea Silvia. I was the mother to Romulus and Remus, thousands of years ago. But you’re so kind to think I look as young as the 1950s.

There have been two great narcotics in European civilisation: Christianity and alcohol.

I had a dream about you. You were on a bike going 70 miles an hour, I could see you approaching my car in the mirror. You were trying to say something so, I jumped on the brakes as hard as I could, I guess I forgot I had tied your bike on my bumper.

The old woman was the kind who would not cut down a large old tree because it was a large old tree.

Political debate: when charlatans come together to discuss their principles.

I want to rip the rest of those buttons open and climb him like a monkey in a banana tree. Oh God, what I would do with his banana...

Lila!" he said cheerfully. "So you aren't a figment of my brothers imagination after all.

Reply when questioned on the safety of the polio vaccine he developed:It is safe, and you can't get safer than safe.

If you're funny, if there's something that makes you laugh, then every day's going to be okay.

If God can help us locate demands, He can also help us locate the leaks.

Fuck You!' [Oskar said] 'Exuse me!' [His mom said] 'Sorry. I mean, screw you.' 'You need a time-out!' 'I need a mausoleum!

Home is where, when you go there and tell people to get out, they have to leave.

Dear Mom,I won't be home this weekend because I'm wanted for treason and I have to clear my name. Also, I took the last Sprite from the fridge.Love, Steve

Whenever I think of something but can't think of what it was I was thinking of, I can't stop thinking until I think I'm thinking of it again. I think I think too much.

What do you do when you’re in a room of vampires and the most dangerous one tells you that youknow too much? You bolt. What did I do? I hyperventilated.

Remove yourself, sir!

BioLogos claims there is no conflict between the theory of evolution and creationism. Huh? Here is where the creationists seem to have the intellectual advantage: they at least see the conflict. Actually, it is not that BioLogos isn't aware of the conflict, but rather, it has come up with the answer to the long-standing conflict between Darwinism and creationism: simply pretend there is no conflict.

It's funny how cucumber water can taste so much better than pickle juice, even though they come from the same source.

Well, someone slap my butt and give me a hero cookie. (Nick)

Humor is not an end in itself, but a tool to understanding. A dense head must be tickled with an ax.

They say laughter is the best medicine, and I agree. Plus, it’s free, has no bad side effects and is available to EVERYONE.

Oh. Momma told me not to tell you that your bed squeaks. But I think you know, 'cause I could hear it this morning. Jake dropped his fork. Tor, for the first time Jake had ever seen, turned scarlet. Maureen looked at them both and sighed. Christmas is always so interesting with you, Mark.

Tell me, what's the difference between tracking a wild beast and securing a husband?

Literature doesn’t exactly have a strong mental-health track record.

Some people stride toward a better future. Others have chauffeurs.

There are four categories of questions Emmily asks:1. Can I please go to the bathroom?2. Where is the bathroom?3. Is it okay if I raise my hand and ask a question?4. I don't understand anything you've said in the last thirty minutes. Could you explain it again? Also the last six weeks.

I love the sound of it," Trina whispers, as if speaking too loudly might interrupt the drumming patter of the rain outside. "It makes me want to sleep. Snuggle my head right up in your armpit and snore for three days.""My armpit?" Mark repeats. "Good thing we all showered up in the storm this morning. My pits smell like roses. Go ahead and get comfy.

^Do every day a thing that scares you_♥

His life was a constant war with insensate objects that fell apart, or attacked him, or refused to function, or viciously got themselves lost as soon as they entered the sphere of his existence.

...seeing the way his trousers clung to those most English parts.

I thought you came down right on the side of go directly to jail, do not pass Go, do not collect two hundred dollars.

Come here, cat. You wouldn’t want to destroy the space-time continuum, would you? Meow. Meow.

This is Simba," Nicole said, pointing to the lion. "Is he dangerous?" Asked Chase."Not really. He mauled a trainer, but nothing much.

What is Hell like?" I blurted out before I could stop myself. Damn my curiosity. "You've never been there?" He eyed me suspiciously. Yeah, I went to Hell every summer for vacation.

Sneaky would be a lime-green Volkswagen. Nobody would suspect the assassins in the lime-green Volkswagen.

Loving someone is sticking a pin through a voodoo doll and not hitting any vital organs

Jose: Do not drop me senorJeff:i wont drop you,joseJose:then i be jose jalapeno on the floorPeanut:do a little tap dance and we got salsa!Jeff:Thats terrible!Peanut:not with the right chips its notJeff:stop it! im sorry josejose:its okayjeff: okayJose:ill kick his ass laterpeanut:i'll turn ur ass into guacamolejeff: stop it!peanut: i will stir u with ur own stick!jeff:stop it!peanut: this is the way we stir the guac stir the guac stir the guac. OLE!!

I was just turned last week. I'm a librarian."He stilled, as if I'd just told him I was the inventor of the tube top. "I watched a movie about a librarian once. Well, she was a librarian by day, a call girl by--"I stopped him with a quick lift of an eyebrow. "If you finish that sentence, we cannot be friends.

At that point in time, there were three things in life that I knew for certain: (1) I was a girl who’d never met a site she couldn’t hack or a code she couldn’t break, (2) I had a roundhouse that could put a grown man in the hospital, and (3) I would without question chop off my own hands before I’d come within five feet of a pom-pom

Blackouts can be fun if approached with the right mindset. You just can't sweat the fact that you've lost a small portion of your life for all eternity. Occasionally, little bubbles of memory will float up like surreal Mylar party balloons at unexpected times throughout the net day and start piecing together a colorful, if incomplete, version of reality.

I love that she loves me a 10, on a 5-point scale. Well, I know it’s a 5-point scale, though I asked her on a 1-100 scale.

Percy: I thought I’d lost my mom forever, and I was stuck on a hill in a thunderstorm fighting this huge bull dude while Grover was passed out wailing. “Food!” It was terrifying, man.

When I was, like thirteen I thought it would be really cool to be a prostitute... I Thought It was like handsome guys would take you out on these romantic dates and you´d fuck them and then they´d pay you...

Hey, Ethan.""Yeah?""Remember the Twinkie on the bus? The one I gave you in second grade, the day we met?""The one you found on the floor and gave me without telling me? Nice."He grinned and shot the ball. "It never really fell on the floor. I made that part up.

Comedians can turn laughter into tears and back again.

His was a great sin who first invented consciousness. Let us lose it for a few hours.

The show doesn’t go on because it’s ready it goes on because it’s 11:30.

Shane, in case we don’t … don’t come out of this, I wanted to say…”He glanced over at her, and she felt her whole body warm from it. She remembered that look. It made her feel naked inside and out, but not in a creepy kind of way. In a way that felt…. Free. “If what you say is true, and I guess it has to be, I think I know why we’re … together,” he said. “I think I’d fall for you no matter what, Claire. You’re kind of awesome.

We got there without being spotted. I pulled her in, then shut the door, pressing my back to it and exhaling like an epileptic pilot who'd just landed a cargo plane full of dynamite.

BLACK IS SO FUCKIN' BEAUTIFUL

She moved like water, graceful and soft and lovely. Every part of me wanted to stick out my foot and trip her, just to see her stumble.

Sweetie, this is Hell. We invented paperwork.

Basil Stag Hare tut-tutted severely as he remarked to Ambrose Spike, 'Tch, tch. Dreadful table manners. Just look at those three wallahs, kicking up a hullaballoo like that! Eating's a serious business.

Your relationship or marriage is dead or dying, if you almost always have to remind your partner to miss you (and/or they almost always have to remind you to miss them).

You have not escaped his notice either- you are here by 'a call' not by choice.

Is he following? Can you have a flaming gay moment or something and check?""Why do I have to be the flaming gay one?

Your mail could've waited." Daemon followed me into the kitchen. "What is it? Just books?"Grabbing the OJ from the fridge, I sighed. People who didn't heart books didn't understand.

The behavior of any bureaucratic organization can best be understood by assuming that it is controlled by a secret cabal of its enemies.

I can only drive slowly.""That's all right.""And I can only do left turns."Rose ran downstairs, grabbed a road atlas, and ran triumphantly back up again. "Wales is left! Look! It's left all the way!