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Funny Quotes - Page 14

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There are so many other fun ways to dishonor the family name that buying girls’ underwear shouldn’t be one of them.
Rin Chupeco
Isn’t it so weird how the number of dead people is increasing even though the earth stays the same size, so that one day there isn’t going to be room to bury anyone anymore? For my ninth birthday last year, Grandma gave me a subscription to National Geographic, which she calls “the National Geographic.” She also gave me a white blazer, because I only wear white clothes, and it’s too big to wear so it will last me a long time. She also gave me Grandpa’s camera, which I loved for two reasons. I asked why he didn’t take it with him when he left her. She said, “Maybe he wanted you to have it.” I said, “But I was negative-thirty years old.” She said, “Still.” Anyway, the fascinating thing was that I read in National Geographic that there are more people alive now than have died in all of human history. In other words, if everyone wanted to play Hamlet at once, they couldn’t, because there aren’t enough skulls!
Jonathan Safran Foer
So just bust a move!
Ava J. Abramowitz
Would you like to sit?" Kellen asked her."You'd better do it soon," Owen whispered close to her ear, "or I'm going to bend you over that table and break the club's no-penetration-in-the-lounge rule.
Olivia Cunning
What? Quinn's one of them? I just thought he was an a*shole!
Simon Holt
Grabbing a scarf off the chair, I threw it at him. He caught it, clutching it to his chest as he flew into the air. "You gave Tink a scarf. Tink is free!" He flew out into the hallway like a little cracked-out fairy, screeching, "Tink is freeeeee!"Ren looked at me. "What the actual f**k?"I sighed. "He's obsessed with Harry Potter. I'm sorry."Tink darted back into the room, holding the scarf to his bare chest. "There is no reason to apologize when it comes to Harry Potter.""You do remember what happened to Dobby, right?" I said."S**t." Tink's eyes widened and he dropped the scarf.
Jennifer L. Armentrout
I do not do free e-books. I occasionally like to eat that thing you people call "food".
Carla H. Krueger
Did you just call me ‘sweetie’?” I asked. She shoved my shoulder. “No.
Joel N. Ross
We are racing down Main Street. Arthur is right on the tail of a blck sedan with tinted windows that won't pull over. He slams the horn."Arthur," I say.The car doesn't yield."Arthur," I say.He hits the horn again, still close on the car's bummper."Arthur, our turn was back there.
Peter Canning
I had a dream about you last night. It wasn't until after you sold me the talking car, I realized you were the world’s best ventriloquist.
Michael Summers
Werewolves and silver bullets!” Shakespeare coughed a quick laugh and shook his head. “Lord, what fools these mortals be!
Michael Scott
It was around then that the phone rang. It was my friend Cee Cee, wanting to know if I cared to join her and Adam McTavish at the Coffee Clutch to drink iced tea and talk bad about everyone we know.
Meg Cabot
Puppies are cute. I'm fierce!""Yeah!" Evelyn snorted. "Romas says you're as fierce as a kitten.""A kitten?" Kiera's tone grew more hurt. "I'm not afraid of him, just because he's twelve feet tall and can bench press me with his toes. It's not nice of him to say that
Lizzy Ford
We made it back to the airport without getting mugged, stoned, shot at, pounced on, bombed, shelled, garroted, gassed, pitched into, caught in a cross fire, sniped at, blockaded, napalmed, or trip-wired. No one even hit us with a water balloon.
Daniel Quinn
Puns are the highest form of literature.
Alfred Hitchcock
You're very welcome," she said, giving my hair a hard tug. "You should be used to being gawked at by now.""And yet I'm not.""Well, if it gets too bad, give me a signal, and I'll get up on the banquet table, toss my skirt over my head, and do a little dance. That way no one will be looking at you.
Leigh Bardugo
Dylan, while he is in the shower and he and Joss are only seperated by the curtain and his invisibility:Dylan: "Maybe if you would come in here and scrub my back it would speed things up."Joss: "I'm not invisible."Dylan: "I know this.
Susan Bischoff
Looking but not seeing is the hearing but not understanding of the eye.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Thine own things, and such as are grown up with thee, canst thou not know; How should thy vessel then be able to comprehend the way of the Highest, and, the world being now outwardly corrupted to understand the corruption that is evident in my sight?
Compton Gage
I had a dream about you last night.. You were in the amazon rain forest yipping like a dog.
Amy Sommers
You two were in a cave together?’ said Miss Simpkins in horror.‘Yes,’ said Kate, ‘and it was very, very dark.
Kenneth Oppel
They love their hair because they're not smart enough to love something more interesting.
John Green
Whoa, Rebecca," Talia said smiling even wider, "Walking on the wild side, are we?"Raisa seemed to think the situation needed more explaining. "He - uh - I'm tutoring him.""She is," Han said solemnly. "She's very good. I'm learning a lot."Pearlie snickered. "What's she teaching you?""Well," Han said, "we're jumping around a lot.
Cinda Williams Chima
Brooke stared in surprise. “You brought me lunch?”“I was in the neighborhood.”She checked out the label on the bag. “DMK is twenty minutes from here.”“I was in that neighborhood, and now I’m here,” he said in exasperation. “Seriously, woman, you are impossible to feed.” He strode over and set the bag on her desk. “One cheeseburger with spicy chipotle ketchup and a side of sweet potato fries—chosen specifically for a certain spicy and sweet girl I know—and a green dill pickle for your eyes. So there.” He crossed his arms over his chest.Brooke studied him. “You seem very ornery right now.”“As a matter of fact, I am.”“Why?”“I don’t know,” he huffed. “Just . . . eat your Brooke Burger. Stop asking so many questions. Sometimes a guy just wants to buy a girl lunch. Any objections to that? Good. Enjoy your Sunday, Ms. Parker.”He strode out of her office, gone as quickly as he’d appeared.Brooke stared at the doorway and blinked.
Julie James
In the event that your feminist activities are discovered, quick diversions include bursting into song, asking him how to fix something in the room and fainting.
Reductress
What's the matter, fairy boy? Pissed because Chrys rather kiss me?" - Essence (Nymphs of Macedonia Trilogy #1)
Racheal Renwick
I recommend you don't attend the wheat and chaff bonfire.
M.J. McGuire
Let me set it straight, I've done some shit,And maybe I ain't too proud of itThe monster in your bedYou were begging me "please don't stop!"Said that I'm a douchebag, won't call backThe worst hangover you ever hadFelt so good at first, you knew that it could never lastWanna wash the dirt off my hands, wanna get this all off my chestBut I'm no good at saying sorry... woah oh!I didn't mean to fuck you over,I just want to have some fun
The Summer Set
Asked in 1919 whether it was true that only three people in the world understood the theory of general relativity, [Eddington] allegedly replied: 'Who's the third?
Arthur Stanley Eddington
Lunch makes me feel a bit better.
Suzanne Collins
I'd say," the Ranger answered after a few seconds' deliberation, "that he'll be heading south now that he has the chance. Back into Araluen.""How do you know that?" Horace asked. He was always impressed at the two Rangers' ability to read a situation and come up with the correct answer to a problem. Sometimes, he thought, they almost seemed to have divine guidance."I'm guessing," Halt told him.
John Flanagan
Finding out that you are not your lover’s only lover hurts, but not as much as discovering that you are the side chick … or the side dick.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Be calm when your wife yells at you, calmer when she chastens you, but be terrified when she ignores you.
Matshona Dhliwayo
I will not stand here to be insulted by you, hedgepig," Mangiz fumed."Then stand somewhere else and I'll insult you there, featherbag!!
Brian Jacques
Life would be a great deal easier if dead things had the decency to remain dead.
Doug MacLeod
A forest," William said, his expression distant. "Where the ground is dry soil and stone. Where tall trees grow and centuries of autumn carpet their roots. Where the wind smells of game and wildflowers.""Why, that was lovely, Lord Bill. Do you ever write poetry? Something for your blueblood lady?""No.""She doesn't like poetry?""Leave it."Hehe. "Oh, so you have a lady. How interes--
Ilona Andrews
A tie is what you get after ice cubes have wrestled with hot water.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.
Woody Allen
Everybody just lets the media do their thinking for them... that's why you'll never hear any reggae on the radio!
Daniel Clowes
I had a dream about you. You were wearing Sylvester Stallone's sneer as pants, but his lips were saggy on your legs, so you had to wear a mustache as a belt.
Dora J. Arod
If ye canna see the bright side o' life, polish the dull side
Christina Dodd
The hamster-powered hat is the same as any other hat. It keeps your head warm and looks smart,' the inventor said. 'The hamster generates heat by running on the wheel. If you get a big enough hamster, it will keep your whole face warm.
Mark Jackman
Ish #21 "Stop saying the only meat you eat is chicken. It's still meat!
Regina Griffin
By morning, Adelaide was beginning to understand why she'd never completely understood how God worked. Given that He had made the bewildering, maddening, incomprehensible species that was man from His own image, it stood to reason that the Creator would be a complicated mass of logic never meant to be understood by the female mind. That, or the fall of man in the Garden of Eden had taken them even further off the path than she'd ever realized
Kristi Ann Hunter
If the most High grant thee to live, thou shall see after the third trumpet that the sun shall suddenly shine again in the night, and the moon thrice in the day:
Compton Gage
It seemed that, after contact with a few human generations, sand hogs would begin to understand human speech. The irony was that after coming to understand their riders fully, the beasts often ended up abandoning them and heading off into the wilderness.
Neal Asher
Thanks to bad graphic design, some readers love only the electronic version of some books.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
If they wanted their shit stirred, then stirred their shit was jolly well going to be.
Stephen Clarke
I can't believe he stabbed the guy. Eight years old. I'm the most irresponsible kidnapper ever.
Joey Comeau
I didn't come from a success lineage but I am so glad that my earthly lineage is not my final story because when I gave my life to Jesus twelve years back, God interrupted my story.
Patience Johnson
Again Creb grunted. It was the usual noncommittal comment used by men when responding to a woman. It carried only enough meaning to indicate the woman had been understood, without acknowledging too much significance in what she said.
Jean M. Auel
I feel pretty sure I know why the dinosaurs went extinct. They were waiting for Sam to pick out a cell phone case.
P. Anastasia
Whenever I wish to pay my respect to you, my middle finger says, it must first.
Fakeer Ishavardas
If you put any effort into anything you do and have a strong sense of self to the point where you don’t even question your choices before you walk out of the house— you’re a fucking weirdo.
Jen Kirkman
In spite of all the sparring that went on between us, I sort of liked Morelli. Good judgment told me to stand clear of him, but then I've never been a slave to good judgment.
Janet Evanovich
Horace, who had been trying to find out the meaning of Kurokuma for some time now, was pleased to hear the translation. "Black bear," he repeated. "It's undoubtedly because I'm so terrible in battle." "I'd guess so," Will put in. "I've seen you in battle and you're definitely terrible.
John Flanagan
There are some things you just don't say...not even in a school!
X
It’s a long shot, but this baby is pretty cool.” He pushed the button that brought up the menu. “I need to run a search.”“Of course, master,” the computer said with an inviting smile. “Which pornographic material should I seek out today?”Dante grinned. “Really? You can do that?” He felt Meg’s stare. “Nothing like that.
Sophie Oak
Ladies and Gentlemen, take my advice, pull down your pants and slide on the ice.
Diane Arbus
Don't you wish we all lived in black light.... for one thing, it would mean an end to toothpaste as we know it
Josh Stern
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