Funny Quotes - Page 11

That's your solution? Have a cookie?

Ever since my famous battle with Python, I've had a phobia of scaly reptilian creatures. (Especially if you include my stepmother, Hera. BOOM!)

Leaning forward in your chair when someone is trying to squeeze behind you isn't enough. You also have to move the chair.

I slowly climbed the porch steps while wondering, what exactly did Elias know about my life in London; what precisely was wrong with his mind...And what was the heaviest item in my bag.

Would you kick her ass already?" Dick said, shoving me back toward Missy. "Come on, Stretch, man up. You do better than this! Get mad."I nodded, rolling a dislocated shoulder back into place with a grunt and staggering back toward my opponent. Behind me, Zeb yelled, "She tried to hurt Fitz!" He turned to Gabriel and Dick. "That'll get her mad."Gabriel rolled his eyes. "She's been framed for murder twice over, shot in the back, her arms were set on fire, and her parents are being held hostage. You think tampered dog water is what's going to make her angry?" "You tried to hurt my dog!" I wheezed as I lurched toward a grinning Missy.

I briefly consider keying her precious BMW, but quite frankly, I don't have the energy to go all Carrie Underwood on her ass. I still have over an hour drive ahead of me. -Jackson 'Blame It on the Pain

sometimes when everything seems atits worstwhen all conspiresand gnawsand the hours, days, weeksyearsseem wasted – stretched there upon my bedin the darklooking upward at the ceilingi get what many will consider anobnoxious thought:it’s still nice to beBukowski.

Oh, so your middle finger has a mind of its own then?" Alex asked with an amused look.I glared at him and said, "Yeah, and she was just sticking up for me

I lost my balance when the train pulled away, but a human crumple zone buffered my fall. We stayed like that, half fallen. Diagonal People.

Women are heavyweight boxers; only, they punch with words, not fists.

Inconvenience in progress, work is regretted.

I can’t believe I’ve missed this sport. It’s all about fingering holes and caressing balls.

I hope that the kind reader recognises this as a despairing attempt at humour.

You try almost dying, being chased, thenhopping in a car with a complete (horny)stranger.

We usually learn from debates that we seldom learn from debates.

You talk more when you're nervous," he said, still standing close to her."No i don't. That's absurd. I'm just trying to explain to you-""Do i make you nervous?""No. I'm not nervous.""You're trembling.""I'm cold. I'm wearing practically zero clothes."His glance went to her lips, then back to her eyes. "I noticed.

Yes," he said. "I am sure. I double-checked everything after you went home yesterday. I even made a few improvements, just in case." The first part of that reassured her. The second part... not so much. "What kind of improvements?" "Oh, nothing, really. Mostly just streamlining. You really did very well; I certainly don't want you to think that I am one of those people who has to be in control all the- Oh, well, I suppose that's actually true- I do have to be in control all the time. But only because I am in charge, of course.

Sam gave Captain Suicide a droll stare. "How did you die again? Oh wait, I know this. 'I can take 'em. I don't need to wait for reinforcements. I can do it myself.' How'd that work out for you again?

The Rusty Ruins were the remains of an old city, a hulking reminder of back when there'd been way too many people, and everyone was incredibly stupid. And ugly.

All the latchkey children cursed and smashed bottles, teased about underwear, and puffed on those unfiltered cigarettes that only the cowboys could roll.

My mother raised her eyebrow, and murmured, “And to think I was always worried that you didn’t have any friends. I suppose I should have been counting my blessings.

The primary feature of women is not a 'beauty', it's a 'mystery'.

Every culture has some ritual for joining two people together and making them stay that way, and ours is giving tax breaks.

You're boring me, M'Ordant. Go away." V'Aidan"You can't be bored." M'Ordant"And a good thing, too, since I'd no doubt perish from it while in your company." V'Aidan

The British were unhinged by the colonists' unorthodox fighting style and shocking failure to abide by gentlemanly rules of engagement. One scandalized British soldier complained that the American riflemen 'conceal themselves behind trees etc. till an opportunity presents itself of taking a shot at our advance sentries, which done, they immediately retreat. What an unfair method of carrying on a war!

He with the cleanest clothes isn’t necessarily the cleanest.

You are amazing," she said. "And you make a very handsome elephant.

Kate grasped her small handbag and pulled a small blue vial and threw it into the grinding mass. It shattered harmlessly, causing two creatures to pause with a look of confusion."What is that potion?" Simon asked.Kate stared as the two undead things began to shuffle forward again. She glanced into her purse. "Damn it! That was my perfume.

Screw this. He’d blown his shot at nice-and-easy, which only left quick-and-brutal—my favorite way to play.

Even choosing the perfect dinner wine loses its earth-shattering importance if your guests happen to be cannibals, and you, the unsuspecting entree.

If you're too open-minded your brains will fall out.

What sort of look are you going for?” Damn, how did he answer this? “Something…normal,” he finally said.

I swear I've good morals. It's just that bad ones befriend me. I'm a friendly person, you know. But I will talk to them. Believe you me.

Some people wish they were as happy as or happy like some people think they are.

Daddy,” said the toddler, now seething with righteous indignation, “you are a poo-poo head!”Feigning outrage, JFK lowered his voice. “John,” he said, “no one calls the President of the United States a poo-poo head.

I was one of those. I meddled with dark powers. Isummoned demons. I ate the entire little cheese, including the rind.

Rule number four for me as a writer? Plotlines are like sharks: They either keep moving or they die. ~J.R. Ward

Sure. What's the worst that could happen." Twenty minutes later, we had our answer. "I can't frecking believe this."I cringed. "I'm so sorry.""I'm bald!" Giguhl continued. "I look like a freak.""It's not that bad," I said. But it was. Oh, my lord was it bad. I'd never seen an uglier cat in my entire life.

You were lookin’ at me like you wanted to kiss me.”I force a laugh. “Yeah, right,” I say sarcastically.“Nobody’s watchin’ if you want to, you know, try it. Not to brag, but I’m somewhat of an expert.

Thou mayest choose an helpmeet," said the King to me.An helpmeet? What the great googly-moogly was that?

Critter: I was fairly relieved when Sea took off on her own. She was wearing some two-sizes-too-small T-shirt, practically forcing my eyes to home in on “the girls,” and all I could think was I’m going to turn into a pillar of salt.

If he sees you in this apartment he will seriously murder you and then break up with me.  And I really, really don’t want him to break up with me, Linc.”“But murdering me, that’s all good?

I looked at the stained-glass image of the lamb in the window above me, but that only reminded me that lambs are famous for being led to slaughter, or sometimes hanging out with lions in ill-advised relationships.

The fish is that perfect, amazing guy it can never work out with—you know, a bird and a fish may fall in love—but where would they live? . . . So the fish is your total dream guy, he’s smart, he’s handsome, he gets all your jokes, he loves to talk, he gives you a nine-hour orgasm and then makes you homemade chocolate chip pancakes and serves you breakfast in bed—but he lives all the way across the country and neither of you can move, or he’s married, or next in line for the throne, or he has a terminal disease or something . . . the fish.

You need to be greedy or ignorant to truly want to live forever.

If God gives you a gift and you don't know what to do with it, it won't make you happy. Some of you God gave a wonderful husband but you can't make a home and some of you God gave a wonderful wife but you can't make a good husband. Some of you can't even unwrap the gift so that you can appreciate it.

And yet their reward appear not, and their labor had no fruit: for I have gone here and there through the heathen, and I see that they flow in wealth, and think not upon thy commandments.

Anything else you want to discuss before we begin?”“Who cuts your hair? You should run them through with their own thinning shears. You have a wonderful face, and so much wasted potential for—” He stepped forward and grabbed my ear. “Ow!

As the nicknames get shorter, people come closer.

May I help you?""Mr. Neck-uh-stone-sack please," I replied."Um. You mean Nat?""Yeah. This is Counselor Smallwater's law office. May I speak with Nat?""Well, he's in a class right now. Can I take a message?""Hmm. I suppose it's all right. You can just tell him that his annulment is official now. He and his sister are no longer married.

These be they that have put off the mortal clothing, and put on the immortal, and have confessed the name of God: now are they crowned, and receive palms.

I'm transferring Ian down to New Orleans to assist with this,” Arch said as he looked at both men. “I would send Shayne, but Anna won't let him go anywhere without her. They're still in the honeymoon phase.” He made a quote motion with his fingers. Peter and Vincent exchanged horrified looks, before Peter responded. “Please, don't put us through that torture.

Pure joy is rare. That’s why for every meal I eat a really bloody steak.

He went through the bills with the jaundiced eye of a China trader, asking himself not whether he had been stolen from, but where the theft had occurred. If he couldn’t find it, that would suggest his factor back home in Shanghai was either cleverer or more honest than he had thought, and Crane didn’t think he was particularly honest.

You know what you are, Sam Brody?" she whispered, wrapping her arms around his neck. "A big, fat tease." They both knew there wasn't an ounce of fat on him. They also both knew exactly what she meant.

Ish #303 "It's a street food vendor! Stop asking for the health score rating.

We need to save the forests. I have a big warehouse we can store them in.

You don’t like my restaurant, Miss Connor?” “I couldn’t say since the waiting list to get in is six months long.” One side of his mouth curved up. “This is true.” His finger lingered, and I tried to swallow the nervous lump in my throat. “I think you can call me by my first name now, seeing as how you’re touching my boob. That puts us a little past formality, don’t you think?

She'd met Colin on a Monday.She'd kissed him on a Friday.Twelve years later.She sighed. It seemed fairly pathetic.

Coloron often pondered how a race, in which the stupid seemed more inclined to breed, had managed to come this far, and why human intelligence persisted—a discussion point in the nature vs nurture debate which had not died in half a millennium.