Funny But True Quotes

She shuddered. “What is it with slobbery kissers? Are they trying to drown us in spit? I mean, Jesus, swallow every now and then.

The funny thing about the heart is a soft heart is a strong heart, and a hard heart is a weak heart.

Like all great adventures, this one started with someone trying to get laid. King Menelaus didn’t go to Troy for the baklava.

It's always funny that you can try and try again to steal all your critics' ammo, predict their responses, but no matter what, they'll still have a water gun stashed somewhere.

There is this common notion that people are shallow and ignorant until they go out and see the world. I, on the other hand, went out and in comparison realized I was in pretty good standing.

There is a certain delightful sort of hope which the introvert can receive only by having company over...the hope that they will leave soon.

Holy crap, Caleb! You're my uncle." Nick"No!" Caleb"It's worse. He's the half-brother of your great-grandfather." Kody"You're not helping." Caleb"No, but I'm entertaining myself at your adorable expense." Kody"Yeah, y'all are missing the important fact. To a Cajun, that makes him my uncle." Nick"Great. I always wanted to be a monkey's uncle. Nice to know I finally succeeded." Caleb

What if everything about me is totally made up? What if I’m actually…I don’t know. A wanted fugitive in the States.”“Julia.” He reached across the table and grabbed her hand. “Nobody makes up being a high school math teacher.”“That’s why it’s the perfect disguise!”He shook his head. “Nobody.

... they only trusted the wisdom of people brighter and more worldly than themselves when it was expressed in the vocabulary and style of rural idiots. In his guise as Brazenydol, he had once had a contract with DARPA to teach a team of physicists the basic terminology of tractor pulls so that they could give an acceptable explanation of omniwavelength stealth to a Congressional committee that didn’t understand tractor pulls, either.

Don't worry. Life goes on. With or without you. So, live it, while it's given you.

Be careful not to appear obsessively intellectual. When intelligence fills up, it overflows a parody.

Some things are so silly they have a certain brilliance to them. Other things, set as standards for brilliance and therefore exalted by many who don't know why, become tarnished because of it.

While she could hardly fathom what had just happened to her that night, she reached some conclusions before she fell asleep, certain things now made perfect sense; Moon River didn’t sound so syrupy, mistletoe wasn’t such a bad idea, and perhaps dating was not such a frivolous waste of time after all.

People will laugh at anything, except their own moronic self.

Wisdom of the Ages "US News Media" If the devil is the father of all lies, isn't the US News Media their bitchy stepmother?

By(e) pen, I've tried my hand at poetry; only to see how boring it is to me. That is, unless I get a chance to destroy each and every piece while doing it as I please.

Respect? Of course, always, to all, because everything seems funnier when you're trying to show respect.

Wisdom of the Ages: "Brian Williams Week" Just like me in 2003, it looks like Brian Williams ended up "Between Iraq and a Hard Place.

The fact that we're all different is the one thing we all have in common.

Nothing amuses people more than a cocky guy who starts losing.

Ish #21 "Stop saying the only meat you eat is chicken. It's still meat!

When guys try to get a good job and make a lot of money, it's so that they can find a good mate, because they know women like guys with money. Big tits are to men, what big wallets are to women. A sexy woman can have almost any man she wants. And a rich guy can have almost any woman he wants.

It's like playing the lottery. It doesn't matter how extremely low the chances are of winning. You gotta be in it to win it. Hitting on every girl in sight is like buying a whole lot of lottery tickets. You never know, one day one of them might actually pay off.

With a philosophy education, one can infuriate his peers, intimidate his date, think of obscure, unreliable ways to make money, and never regret a thing.

Just like you silly bums, I have a personal sky god. I bow to him, as you do to your airy-fairy sod. He prefers I call him Mr. NOT.

The manlier you are, the harder it is to understand what a woman wants: there is not a hint of female brain in you.

Well sue me for staring. I'd be willing to scrub away my shame on his washboard abs.

To claim that one can never live a positive life with a negative mind is a very negative claim to make!

If a religious book makes you harbor ill thoughts about those with differing faith, then, you're reading the wrong crap of late.

Everyone has a sense of humor. If you don't laugh at jokes, you probably laugh at opinions.

Pride is pride not because it hates being wrong, but because it loves being wrong: To hate being wrong is to change your opinion when you are proven wrong; whereas pride, even when proven wrong, decides to go on being wrong.

Dogs are angels full of poop.

If I were to vote, I would intentionally vote for the goofiest candidate. It is my theory that when the people can outwit the leader, the more respected their voices will be.

I enjoy poetry where I can talk as bizarre as I please, but theology or philosophy, I always respect the truth by taking it a step further.

Children throw tantrums because they've imagined their 'father in heaven' does so. And because, their inherited religious book has, in written, shown them so.

We can't against human stupidity. Because they are too many and too dangerous.

Life is funny, when you are young you want to be older and those that are older wish to be younger.

It was 10:30 in the morning and I was already running behind. This is hardly unusual, but it pisses me off every single time.

Psychobabble attempts to redefine the entire English language just to make a correct statement incorrect. Psychology is the study of why someone would try to do this.

One of the Christian's biggest fears is appearing 'too Christian'. God forbid, because that's often characterized as god-awful! We want to be one, but without being 'one of them'.

Growing up I sometimes imagined that for Christ's return perhaps He would appear as 'Black Jesus' to white people and 'White Jesus' to black people just to screw with the racists.

Everything is possible in America, except the production of intelligence.

Google, Facebook helps people than people helps people, in today's world

Flattery does not encourage the perfect flow of love in the vein of your relationship. Be genuine and speak out what you feel for each other without hiding the painful truth.

For me, the times I always regret are missed opportunities to say farewell to good people, to wish them long life and say to them in all sincerity, "You build and do not destroy; you sow goodwill and reap it; smiles bloom in the wake of your passing, and I will keep your kindness in trust and share it as occasion arises, so that your life will be a quenching draught of calm in a land of drought and stress." Too often I never get to say that when it should be said. Instead, I leave them with the equivalent of a "Later, dude!" only to discover there would be no later for us.

Pure wisdom is the 'fruit of life' banal platitudes are the 'bane of existence'.

It was a running joke; everyone was aware of how ridiculous the rumor mill was, and yet they all shamelessly participated in it.

Nothing ruins a good thing quite like knowing you share your opinions with mindless little tits.

She was supportive, didn’t pry or expect anything from me, and sensed when I needed my space. If she were a guy, I’d probably date her. Or, if I were a lesbian. And if she were a lesbian. I guess we’d both have to be lesbians for that to work. Regardless, she made a pretty great friend.

Real comedy is not when you laugh at an idiot, it's when the idiot laughs at you.

After each of his books, the writer, for a while, feels once again that he can now die happy.

I am not sure if women are attracted to genius. Can you imagine the wise wizard winning the woman over the gallant swordsman? It seems rather otherworldly in more ways than one.

Wisdom of the Ages: "National Symbol" With the preponderance of lawyers, banksters, arms, drug and tobacco dealers in our government, shouldn't our national symbol be changed from the eagle to the vulture?

They say the crazies come out at night. I say the crazies come out during election year: Elections have the power to turn once seemingly normal people into certified loonies.

Angels are good not simply because they see bad as bad, but also because they see bad as corny.

I do not want to sound cynical or condescending, but your lips are moving, your mind unbending.

To be a philosopher, just reverse everything you have ever been told...and have a sense of humor doing it.

We men are fascinated by the things we don't really understand. It gives us something to think and talk about: like females, they drive us nuts.

If no one knows when a person is going to die, how can we say he died prematurely?

Wisdom of the Ages: "Valentine's Day" Because she never forgets, especially if you do.