Foibles Quotes

After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said "No bablo ingles."

Mercifully one forgets one's love affairs as one forgets one's dreams.

Horse sense is what keeps horses from betting on what people will do.

I love that you get cold when it's 71 degrees out. I love that it takes you an hour and a half to order a sandwich. I love that you get a little crinkle above your nose when you're looking at me like I'm nuts. I love that after I spend the day with you, I can still smell your perfume on my clothes. And I love that you are the last person I want to talk to before I go to sleep at night. And it's not because I'm lonely, and it's not because it's New Year's Eve. I came here tonight because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.

Laugh and the world laughs with you snore and you sleep alone.

I believe in practicing prudence at least once every two or three years.

Yesterday was the first day of the rest of your life . . . and you messed it up again.

I don't gamble. I invest with a risk.

I figure you have the same chance of winning the lottery whether you play or not.

Well-adjusted means you can make the same mistakes over and over again and keep smiling.

Everybody hates me because I'm so universally liked.

I never gossip but I can give you the names of certain people who do.

I've got nothing against girls in tight sweaters - darn it!

Show me someone who never gossips and I'll show you someone who isn't interested in people.

Everyone is ignorant only on different subjects.

The ability to sin differs among people. For example a short-armed fisherman isn't as big a liar as a long-armed one.

He could sell the Pope on financing a Mormon tabernacle.

My mother said "You won't amount to anything because you procrastinate." I said "Just wait."

The worst thing about a bore is not that he won't stop talking but that he won't let you stop listening.

I was once thrown out of a mental hospital for depressing other patients.

I'm not at all stuck up . . . although judging from those around me I have every right to be.

She's not moody. She's just known for her versatility of emotions.

I don't believe in astrology - of course that's very typical of Leos.

When compelled to cook I produce a meal that would make a sword swallower gag.

I have a simple philosophy: Fill what's empty. Empty what's full. And scratch where it itches.

I mean, you may cause others a spot of bother by your weaknesses, perhaps, but coping with you may possibly increase their strength and sympathy. But if you sin deliberately, even if it seems only against yourself--well--you won't be the only one to suffer. You may even be the one who suffers least.

No one can have a higher opinion of him than I have - and I think he's a dirty little beast.

I have my standards. They may be low but I have them.

Deep down I'm really shallow.

You can't act like a skunk without someone's getting wind of it.

At home I am a nice guy but I don't want the world to know. Humble people I've found don't go very far.

When someone sings his own praises he always gets the tune too high.

I have too much respect for the truth to drag it out on every trifling occasion.

I may have faults but being wrong ain't one of them.

If I only had a little humility I'd be perfect.

Being popular is important. Otherwise people might not like you.

Some people see the cup as half empty. Some people see the cup as half full. I see the cup as too large.

He talks at the drop of a pause.

Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.

It gives me great strength to know that half the people I meet are below average.

We'd all like a reputation for generosity and we'd all like to buy it cheap.

I always read the last page of a book first so that if I die before I finish I'll know how it turned out.

Let's just say he has too many pigeons on his antenna.