Comedy Quotes - Page 8

Hands can cook, hands can create, hands can kill. There is no better tool than our hands.

Where have all the Fembots gone?

To be a philosopher, just reverse everything you have ever been told...and have a sense of humor doing it.

Secret 3963. It’s only a sucking chest wound if you’re not the shooter.

I have so much hate that it has turned into love.

Well, bloody noses." I hug his coat tighter. "Those are definitely hot.

How can you love someone who doesn't think they deserve to be loved?

You make terrible, terrible plans." "Hey, " I protested. "One of my plans caught you didn't it?" "Yeah, but you meant to catch Sean." He took his hand off my shoulder. I waved his concerns away, along with a cloud of gnats that had found us in the forest. "You're getting lost in the details. Keep the big picture in mind.

...Whenever someone says to me, 'Jerry Lewis says women aren't funny,' or 'Christopher Hitchens says women aren't funny,' or 'Rick Fenderman says women aren't funny... Do you have anything to say to that?'Yes. We don't fucking care if you like it.I don't say it out loud, of course, because Jerry Lewis is a great philanthropist, Hitchens is very sick, and the third guy I made up.

I think comedy as an art involves the audience as a participant as much as is involves the artist.

Etiquette tip: If you're looking for the right time to leave a party, when the host yells, "No one leaves here alive," that's your cue.

If you are going to write a book,Make sure it is going to be worth reading .

There is no greater power than that of a laugh and happiness is a force which can save a person from the horrors of the world.

What have you got in there you little bastard?

I think you're a shit,’ said Keith sharply. ‘I think much of what you’ve done this season is shit and I think what you've put everyone involved with this club through is shit. How’s that?

Comedy to me has always seemed a social tightrope for the comedian. For all axioms intellectually sound the general public would prefer to be amused, but in those emotionally sound, it then chooses to get offended.

Everything comes out of smoke and mist and nothingness, a mystical happening…

SHUT UP," Carot Top say, the cocane now taking effect. "This isnt Poetry 101. People want to laugh. Your suposed to be a 'King' of Prop Comedy. But youve been acting more like a jester of prop comedy.

You are mad!" she snapped, her chest heaving. "And you are a devil!""And you, my dear," Royce imperturbably replied, "are a bitch." With that, heturned to the horrified friar and unhesitatingly announced, "The lady and I wish to be wed.

The second rule of improvisation is not only to say yes, but YES, AND. You are supposed to agree and then _add something of your own._ If I start a scene with 'I can't believe it's so hot in here,' and you just say, 'Yeah...' we're kind of at a stand-still. But if I say, 'I can't believe it's so hot in here,' and you say, 'What did you expect? We're in hell.' Or if I say, 'I can't believe it's so hot in here,' and you say, 'Yes, this can't be good for the wax figures.' Or if I say, 'I can't believe it's so hot in here,' and you say, 'I told you we shouldn't have crawled into this dog's mouth,' now we're getting somewhere.

They’re not pro-life. You know what they are? They’re anti-woman. Simple as it gets, anti-woman. They don’t like them. They don’t like women. They believe a woman’s primary role is to function as a brood mare for the state.

Comedy is a necessity to get through life with the fewest scars. Humor is the best antidote to help relieve all struggles.

When people get into their 30s plus "boyfriend" sounds weird...if you really think about it. Instead, I think we should universally start using the term "manfriend" or "snookie bookie cuddles pie".

To see a man slip on a banana skin is to see a rationally structured system suddenly translated into a whirling machine.

The real mystery isn't what's under the redaction mark, but what's above it.

I'm the kind of person who becomes silent when I get scared, because I hope Death will not notice me if I am very still and very quiet. It has worked well so far.

Myrtle Mae, you have a lot to learn, and I hope you never learn it.

At the end of the world, music always played on like a bad movie.

These days, you could stage a three-point orgy in the garden and nobody would bat an eye...

What can you answer? Now be careful, don’t arouse my spite, Or with my slipper I’ll take you napping,faces slappingLeft and right.

...Daisy doesn't even go to his funeral, Nick and Jordan part ways, and Daisy ends up sticking with racist Tom... you can tell Fitzgerald never took the time to look up at clouds during sunset, because there's no silver lining at the end of that book, let me tell you. I do see why Nikki likes the novel, as it's written so well. But her liking it makes me worry now that Nikki really doesn't believe in silver linings, because she says The Great Gatsby is the greatest novel ever written by an American, and yet it ends so sadly. One thing's for sure, Nikki is going to be very proud of me when I tell her I finally read her favorite book. -Silver Linings Playbook, p. 9

Now Vegas, while you were asleep your classmates and I were discussing time manipulation. What are your thoughts on the subject?”“Well,” Vegas turned to the class, his captive audience and smiled, “if you can manipulate time so this bell would hurry up and ring, I'd think it’s fabuloso.” The class snickered again, but not everyone since someone else had made a similar joke just several minutes prior. Naturally, Vegas hadn't been able to hear it over the sound of his own snoring.

It's not a stereotype if it's always true.

St John had always been a fan of the RS Turbo, mainly due to the colour coded rear spoiler and air vents in the bonnet, which distinguished it from the more common and less powerful XR3i.

Even amidst tragedy there is laughter, sometimes farce. The degree of farce depends on who is running the tragedy.

I don't believe in virgin sacrifice. It encourages promiscuity at an early age

Hell is so bloody thing, but with Lucifer from Lucifer series, hell is like comedy.

Velva’s face glowed in the streetlight. “Sir Sun, don’t you see? I am your violent violet. And you are mine.

No,” he said after a pause, “the true art of the gods is the comic. The comic is a condescension of the divine to the world of man; it is the sublime vision, which cannot be studied, but must ever be celestially granted. In the comic the gods see their own being reflected as in a mirror, and while the tragic poet is bound by strict laws, they will allow the comic artist a freedom as unlimited as their own. They do not even withhold their own existence from his sports. Jove may favor Lucianos of Samosata. As long as your mockery is in true godly taste you may mock at the gods and still remain a sound devotee. But in pitying, or condoling with your god, you deny and annihilate him, and such is the most horrible of atheisms.

I fart in your general direction.

I'm not stalking her," I insisted."I'm making sure she's safe. Besides, how could you stalk Lori McGillicuddy?She'd see you and come out to your truck and say, "Hi, I'm Lori. Are you my stalker? It's so neat to meet you! While you're stuck here watching my every move, can I bring you anything? Sweet tea?

Comedy should provoke! It should blast through prejudices, challenge preconceptions; comedy should always leave you different than when it found you.

When my mother passed away several years ago—well, wait a minute. Actually, she didn’t ‘pass away.’ She died. Something about that verb, ‘to pass away’ always sounds to me as if someone just drifted through the wallpaper. No, my mother did not pass away. She definitely died.

I'd rather have less time than I think, than less think than I have time.

Writing is a solitary existence, especially if you forget to chat to your friends – sorry, I meant characters.

Good thing we weren't here when this happened," Fred added. "We'd be pancakes - DEAD ones!

My dad used to tell me that laughter was like a cough or a sneeze - the body's way of trying to expel something. But instead of some phlegm in your throat, or some dust up your nose, a laugh happened when something really true got into your brain. Something so true that your system just couldn't stand it.

You little prick. It's a whelk...it's a...it's a...dead whelk!

It’s like George always says: being in a rock ʼn’ roll band is very sexy, even when you’re only the keyboard player and your idea of the perfect Saturday night actually amounts to a bubble bath, a Richard Curtis boxset and a seafood linguine.

Why didn't you talk about whether women are funny or not?I just felt that by commenting on that in any real way, it would be tacit approval of it as a legitimate debate, which it isn't. It would be the same as addressing the issue of 'Should dogs and cats be able to care for our children? They're in the house anyway.' I try not to make it a habit to seriously discuss nonsensical hot-button issues.

You must be clever, Tracey to do these forgeries.""She's not clever. I did them," yelled Frieda."You'll get five years.""She did them."From Halfpennies and Blue Vinyl

Gabrielle chuckled, her dark eyes twinkling. “So he’s been after you, has he? Poor Etta, pursued by a sun priest offering to pleasure—” “Every nook and cranny,” Marietta interrupted dryly and Gabrielle tipped her head back with a throaty laugh.

Dolphins and sharks are natural enemies. Dolphins are like, "Quit eating us," and sharks are like, "Stop smiling all the time, you morons.

When you can't make it, just fake it

Stop your idiocy, Sandra, please. For once in your death.

Otis," I said."Shhh," he said. "I'm incognito. Call me...Otis.""I'm not sure that's how incognito works, but okay."Otis, aka Otis climbed into the chair I'd reserved for Sam.

Even as zombies, ridiculous prom gowns were the downfall of teenage girls, crippling them at the knees.

There's something about courting the darkness that makes some people see the truth in raw, twisted ways, as though they were shining a black light on life to illuminate the absurdity of it all. Comics tell you a truth you can only see from the underside of the psyche. At its best, comedy is prophesy and societal dream interpretation. At its worst it's just dick jokes.

Adam thinks that you two are in an argument."My body zinged into alert mode. My mind didn't know what Mrs. Vader meant, but my body already did. Even Sean glanced over at her with a cautious look."He does?" I asked faintly."A bad one," she confirmed."How could we be in a bad argument without me even knowing about it?

It could be worse... It could be raining